How to Gain Weight Quickly

Selfie

You know this is your true goal. Hardy-har-har.

I keep seeing articles about how to lose weight. People, this is not the answer! I tell you, you need a different mindset and solution. Good thing I know how to gain weight quickly — even 130 lbs. I’ve done it over the last 20 years. It’s rather simple really. Let me share my tips with you!

Medication with the Side Effect of Weight Gain

First, have an illness that requires medication with the side effect of extra hunger. Many mental illness medications will do that for you. (Okay, some balancing illness and side effects may be necessary.) This is how I gained my first 30 lbs. Even lots of exercise sometimes — like 3 hours of dancing, biking, and/or walking — won’t combat this.

Don’t Sleep at Night

Second, have manic episodes where you can’t fall asleep at night. This way you are tired during the day and can’t burn as many calories. I also suggest bedtime revenge procrastination. You have lots of stress and you feel out of control. This is how I gained probably lots of pounds. Honestly, I have no idea how much it contributed.

Overeating Because You Feel a Loss of Control

Second, engage in a binge eating disorder, but it can’t include any purging. Don’t worry. Just pretend you want to gain control in your life by the one thing you feel you can control: how much you eat. Or rather, that you have to eat when a cafeteria prepares it only three times a day. If you miss one, goodbye to a meal. So you overeat at each meal. I did this by eating extra food at each available meal. By the way, this habit will continue years after if you let it. This was probably some cause for 20/30 lbs. while starting new medications. Add another 10–20 lbs after that for feeling unable to control when I could eat.

Don’t Feel Normal

Getting on the right medication for the right diagnosis, thus reducing stress, will combat the weight gain process. I mean, that makes it so you sleep normal, eat normal, be normal. Sadly, I lost 10–15 lbs while staying extra busy. Too busy until I crashed after marriage. Wait, I may have been a little manic.

Bad Job, Birth Control Good for You

When you crash, make sure to crash real hard. Stay in a crummy job where they harass you, and go into a depressive mode for a few months. Oh, I forgot. Be on hormonal birth control too like so many women are at the same time as all the other fun stuff.

Shame, Shame Morning Sickness

But watch out for morning sickness during pregnancy. That will make you lose 16 lbs. Your ob/gyn will say it’s not a fun way to lose weight, but the results are good. (By the way, I switched to another doctor for the rest of my pregnancy. I wonder why.)

The key after that is to feel stressed and have a remaining binge disorder for a few years more. Oh, and joblessness. And post-partum depression. And switching to an even more infamous weight-gaining med. Pushing a stroller around with another friend may combat some of your progress. But drinking lots of lemonade to calm your stomach during your third pregnancy will help you gain back some weight.

Repeat the Cycle

You need to keep stressing over life. I can’t emphasize stressing enough. I mean it activates that cortisol, fight-or-flight, the lizard brain, increased hunger, all kinds of good stuff. You can do some exercise stuff, which will defeat your weight gain purpose. Luckily, the stress will usually kick back in. And don’t you dare learn coping techniques.

Bad Events, Trauma, All Fun Stuff

So my third son had a near-fatal accident three years ago and the family all had PTSD after. I can’t recommend this mysterious brain injury more. I mean, I gained 30 lbs. Don’t read The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk or get therapy. These might heal that brain injury. I mean, I had the best effects from PTSD, like anger, night terrors, blowup moments, and stress.

I can’t stress avoiding trauma-informed therapy enough — like exposure therapy, psychoeducation, EMDR, cognitive behavioral training, prayer and meditation, exercise, or talk therapy.

A Crappy Night’s Sleep

Now gaining weight might cause beneficial things like obstructing your airways at night. This is fun because you have sleep apnea, thus less oxygen at night. Crappy sleep will help you gain weight and increase your stress level. Don’t get help for sleep apnea — like a CPAP, mouth device, or oxygen at night.

Finally, Don’t Learn to Manage Stress

Stress is the best way to gain weight. I don’t recommend anything like professional help, exercise, meditation, coping techniques, a life coach, or adequate sleep. I mean stress probably caused most of my weight gain.

Seriously, Though

Yes, I have told you a tale of woe because I am sick of seeing quick hacks to a very real problem of obesity and eating disorders. Or the extremes of the body positivity movement that celebrates obesity. This is a serious epidemic that leads to many problems such as heart disease, high blood pressure, compromised immunity, lack of movement, and a shortened life span. Likewise, excessive weight loss causes many health problems too.

We must strive for balance and moderation, stress reduction, and accept that we can’t control outside circumstances. I personally recommend finding people to help you in your journey to be a healthy weight for you. Find friends, family, support groups, doctors, coaches, and so many others.

Lastly, our bodies are a divine gift. I’m working on how to take care of it. I imagine you are too. Let’s not get caught up in the extremes, but find what works for our bodies.

Lots of love!

Crazy Redheaded Lady

If you enjoyed my sarcasm, you can possibly find more by subscribing to my Vocal page or following me on Twitter, Facebook, Medium, or my personal blog Musings of a Crazy Redhead. Personally, I recommend tipping or pledging too through my Vocal page. ;)

Reframing My Mindset to One of Abundance

Photo by Author

I don't want to go back to work on Monday. I suppose that's a normal feeling, but I need to be okay with it. Perhaps even be excited. I've had the last week off with my kids and I was sick for a week before that. So I am "out of practice". I have messed up my sleep schedule so 2 am is my normal again. But guess what? I need to go to sleep by 12 am to function.

Scarcity vs Abundance

On my health coach's page, I mentioned that I was rebelling by staying up late. She shared the insight that I had a scarcity mindset versus an abundance mindset. I view my time alone as a scarcity: why I stay up late. I am digesting her comments. So I guess I need to change my mindset that I have time alone--that I schedule it. Maybe I need to say no to a few things. Maybe say no to so much time on social media, the news, and phone games. I believe those are my biggest time wasters that increase my stress instead of destressers like drawing, writing, deep breathing, and looking at the stars.

What activities destress you?

Energy

Besides time, I realized I view my energy as a scarce resource instead of an abundant resource. Truly, energy isn't a limited resource. I realize my energy is only limited when I am ill or haven't slept well. I can largely control my sleep pattern. Also, energy begets energy. Another goal has been to set minimums. In the mini-lessons and coaching sessions, minimums often bring momentum to further the task. Thus, energy then begets energy. So while writing this I hope to reframe my mindset, besides just intellectually knowing it. Applying it.

My nephew used to run around the house right before bed until he'd crash. All that running energized him until he suddenly conked asleep. Thus, energy begets energy.

We also need to achieve a balance between energy and recovery. I've noticed there are different types of recovery. One type of recovery is doing something you love even when it's hard. For example, I love writing and drawing, yet those hobbies can mentally drain me. It is a creative outlet. On the flip side, looking at the stars, deep breathing, and naps rest my body and mind. It's a physical recovery versus a creative recovery.

You Got This

I chose the picture with "You got this" at the beginning of the article because my coach says it often in group meetings. In fact, her welcome package included a decal "You got this", which I pasted to my mirror. When I see it sometimes, it reminds me that I can take the next small step on my health journey.

Does the phrase "You got this" help you? Or perhaps another phrase?

Non-scale Victory

The health coach asks on the Facebook group every week what is one non-scale victory. That mindset takes away the uncontrollable weight outcome to the controllable victories of eating veggies three days a week. I realize more the journey has been about celebrating those small victories centered around a healthier mindset.

Personally, my weight has fluctuated within a five-pound range. I haven't achieved much there, but I have achieved a healthier lifestyle. I am finding more balance. My mental health has improved significantly since beginning my journey with my coach (seven months without self-harm episodes).

My coach focuses mostly on mindset so clients can achieve lasting health. She saw clients lose weight only to gain it back when that was the sole focus. She wants her clients to succeed in the long run.

This isn't fat acceptance BS. This is a healthy body positivity that encompasses an abundance of health in multiple areas. And that lasting change that will result in a healthier body (whether lighter, heavier, breathing easier, etc).

So, we got this.

If you want to see more of my coach's thoughts, you can visit her TRH Fitness FB page.

You can find me on Twitter @oeileend_oed. 

It's a Blessing to Be a Burden

 In my downward spiral, I felt I was only a burden. But I learned differently.

Photo by Sung Jin Cho on Unsplash

At some point, most of us feel like we are a burden to others. When we struggle mentally, emotionally, or physically, we may feel like a burden because we require additional care. We cannot fulfill all of our physical and emotional needs without assistance. It’s oh-so frustrating to rely on others for our basic needs. This summer I struggled with additional anxiety and feeling like a burden too.

My Experience of Feeling Like a Burden

In the spring, I started medication to help me manage my weight like many other individuals. One prescribed medication was a stimulant that could exacerbate my bipolar and anxiety. At first, I took a small dose of the stimulant and only experienced some anxiety as a side effect. My weight and blood pressure went down. My doctor said I could experiment with a larger dose. I varied between a full dose and half-dose to find a balance, yet my anxiety still increased.

Some paranoia appeared. I worried certain friends had abandoned me because some hadn’t responded to my messages. I felt like I was too much of a burden to respond to. Logically, I knew they were busy, but emotionally, I felt they had abandoned me. On the other hand, I felt like such a flake because I canceled on two other friends because I was tired. I tried to push through the paranoia and anxiety because I had results with physically feeling better.

On Father’s Day weekend, I took the stimulant too late in the day and slept poorly. On Monday, I was switching the laundry over when my husband suddenly announced he had to go into the office because of our boys’ loudness. My sleep-deprived brain flipped. I pleaded to my husband I needed a nap. At first, I cried. Then my brain spiraled down to the thought I was a burden to my husband; therefore, I must not exist. I self-harmed and my husband restrained me. I still struggled because he still might have gone to the office. After all, the boys are usually loud. My husband continued working from home. I tried napping, but I was too jittery from the medication. I reasoned no one loved me, God hated me, and I was a burden to my husband. Part of me knew my thinking was very skewed, yet the emotional pain and mental fog prevented reason. 

I slipped away from the house to disappear. I shut off my phone so my husband couldn’t locate or contact me. God had abandoned me. No one was looking for me. 

I kept hearing a boy yell “Mom!” I turned around on the path and no one appeared.

At the end of the trail, a young woman said “hi” to me. Maybe the universe cared about me, but then I could be wrong. No one had come to rescue me, unlike other times people had come to my rescue. I kept walking until I felt impressed one of my boys might be hurt looking for me. I returned home still angry and emotionally wrought. I saw my husband in the car. Once home, my husband said he and my oldest had been looking for me and called me. I still said God didn’t care for me because no one had noticed I was gone. No one had contacted me, though I usually contact my mom or siblings. Albeit, I turned off my phone. I cried, yelled, and rocked back and forth for a time. I calmed outwardly, but decided I would be a wooden puppet.

How do you react when you feel like extra weight to someone else?

Counseling Appointment

I debated going to my counselor appointment that evening. I attended. I broke down and my counselor employed some techniques to calm me. I knew this had to be a process she used. I still complained I was a burden and God didn’t care for me. 

She told me everyone is a burden to each other. That’s just a fact of life. 

That thought calmed me. I still felt upset with God. She said maybe God doesn’t exist. I recognized that calming myself mattered more than belief in order for me to stay alive. I could believe it when I had returned to a proper mindset. At the end of the session, I could look at my counselor for a few moments. She asked if I would be okay going home. I said yes.

How do you feel knowing that being a burden is a fact of life?

Aftershock

At home, I tried talking with my husband. I spiraled downward again, but not as severely. I blamed my husband for using me, and so on. I blamed God for someone not reaching out to me. I asked for a priesthood blessing. In the blessing, my husband voiced that angels would help me. I looked and no angels appeared. No one contacted me, but my son hugged me. The dog ignored me, but my husband hovered. No one called or texted me. Where were my angels? I had a test for God. He had to show me angels. Then I thought the angels may be my son and my husband. But they weren’t angels. They were just there to calm me down, so I’d make them regular meals.

Do you discount loved ones' efforts to help you sometimes? Why?

Only an Outside Angel Would Do

My sister texted me late that night. We texted then talked for hours. Then I felt like maybe an angel had come. My husband and son just didn’t count. They are angels, just too familiar angels for me to always recognize.

Do you have angels closer than you think? Do mortals count as angels?

The Paradox of Wanting Attention, But Not Wanting Attention

During the whole downward spiral, I didn’t want to reach out to anyone despite that it is my usual coping skill. Surely, they should know I needed help without my asking. The universe would tell them. I kept waiting. I wanted specific people to reach out in order for my prayer to count as answered.

I thought of posting on Facebook, but I often feel like I am begging for attention, or I am a burden. I struggle with the words of sympathy afterward. I think friends only respond to be nice or feel social pressure to do so. Some comment “Call me. Text me. Anytime.” My brain thinks, “why don’t you just, ‘Call me. Text me. Anytime’ before my plea?” Friends’ sincere reassurance feels futile because it is after my crisis and often only occurs when I draw attention to my distress. Sometimes, I am caught in the paradox of I don’t want attention, but I want it.

On the other hand, I only comment or call when I see someone struggling. I haven’t “been there” daily. I will bear your burden in an emergency yet the daily bearing of that burden feels overwhelming. After all, we have limits on how much we can do.

What reasons stop you from reaching out for help? Have you found a way to balance bearing another’s burdens while practicing self-care?

Follow-up

I made a primary care doctor appointment and stopped taking the stimulant. At the doctor’s office, the doctor told me to stop the medicine and he increased the dosage on another med. Eventually, I stopped all weight management medicine due to side effects. 

Mentally, I can open up about my burden now because it’s solved. My brain is thinking clearer. I still wonder about what to do for the next time when I don’t want to share my messy burden.

Do you make a plan for when you break down?

It’s a Blessing to Be a Burden

I tell myself, it is okay and normal to be a burden. I take on the burden of caring for my family because I love them. They take on my burdens because they love me. My friends and I reciprocate sharing our burdens and triumphs. Sometimes we have the strength to lift another. Other times we need someone to lift us. I hope many of us have the support system to bear one another’s burdens.

For all of our independence, we are an interdependent species. We depend on our parents or guardians as children. As adolescents, we depend more on ourselves and our peer group. As adults, we become as independent as our circumstances allow, yet we still need to rely on each other emotionally. In our weak moments, we can remember that we are each other’s angels. And if it helps, we can depend on God too.

How Can We Help Someone with Suicidal Thoughts?

Photo by Hasan Almasi on Unsplash

This post is personal advice and not a professional opinion.

Burnout has been worse this year for me and others. Personally, I have self-harmed multiple times and tried to die by suicide twice and I know of four adults who have died by suicide recently. I believe we all know someone who has passed away or is suffering emotionally, besides those suffering from COVID-19.

After a very rough night in January, I contemplated how we can address these problems. First, I wondered how loved ones felt. I asked how my parents felt when my siblings or I experienced suicidal ideation or attempts. My mom responded that she felt “helpless.” My dad concurred. At times, I felt helpless to assist my siblings when they suffered suicidality too.

Despite this feeling of helplessness, my family and I have helped each other through our mental illness struggles. Other friends, family, professionals, and strangers have helped too.

Here are the contents of what I will cover:

• Self-care
• Modeling healthy behavior
• Accepting your efforts
• QPR training
• Recognizing suicidality is complex, and not anyone’s “fault”
• Recognizing suicidal expressions are usually a desire to end the pain
• Being kind
• Holding each other accountable
• Following your gut
• Seeking professional help
• Pinkslipping
• Ideas for when a loved one is on a waitlist

Self-care

This may seem simple, but self-care enables you to have a clear and active mind. Your thoughts and actions to help others will flow more freely. Some basics of self-care include sleep, a balanced diet, exercise, meditation, social interaction, and spiritual practices. Make these basics easy to do and part of your routine.

How do you practice self-care?

Model Healthy Behavior

Modeling self-care will show your loved ones how to take care of themselves. Some of them will follow your example, but others may not. Keep modeling healthy behavior anyway. With some self-care routines, you can invite your loved ones to join you. For example, my mom invited me to walk with her in the morning.

What self-care activity do you think your loved one would enjoy?

Accept Your Efforts As Worthy

As humans, we will fail each other. You will fail your loved one at some point. However, you can use those failures to know how to do better next time. Successful people are the ones who fail the most and learn from their mistakes.

Many times, we can’t do much to help our loved ones, but we can do something. Work on what you can do within your physical and mental limitations. It may be small, but it adds up. Sometimes what you do will be a small act in a host of larger acts that will help someone recover.

So please don’t beat yourself up if you feel like you haven’t done enough. You can only do what you were emotionally, physically, and spiritually capable to do at the moment. Your efforts are imperfectly perfect.

Besides, you really don’t know all the good you do.

Like a dandelion seed, your small act can seed blossoms in every yard.

QPR (Question, Persuade, or Refer)

I am unfamiliar with QPR, but I know that it is training to identify and help someone contemplating suicide. Individuals can train in QPR to act as informed gatekeepers to “recognize the warning signs of suicide[,] know how to offer hope[, and] know how to get help and save a life.” The website lists “the known warning signs of a suicide crisis: expressions of hopelessness, depression, giving away prized possessions, talking of suicide, [and] securing lethal means[.]” For QPR training and further information, visit this website.

Along with this, don’t hesitate to ask your loved ones if they feel suicidal. I appreciate it when my family and friends will do this, despite how awkward it may feel. I will also ask my boys, husband, or others the same question when I see warning signs.

For advice on how to ask your loved one such a tough question, read this NAMI article.

What do you know about QPR?

It Is Not Your Fault, But a Variety of Factors

Sometimes we blame ourselves if a loved one self-harms or even dies by suicide. Occasionally, a loved one will blame you or others for their self-harm. But it is rarely someone else’s fault, or even the loved one’s fault. People’s poor actions may contribute to someone’s suicidality. These actions usually are abuse, severe shaming, bullying, restrictive government regulations, or fearmongering. It is a complex web of stress factors that lead to someone choosing suicide.

To explain this web, I occasionally blame my husband or another loved one for not being present enough. For example, nine months into my marriage I stayed home from a church meeting while my husband attended. I tried to guilt-trip him to stay home with me. He chose to practice spiritual self-care. While at the meeting, my husband sent his thoughts heavenward that I would be okay. I was angry with him when he returned. I said I almost didn’t make it, which was partially true. In reality, several factors played into my suicidality:

1. A bishopric counselor shamed me during my BYU ecclesiastical endorsement interview. He said I wasn’t thankful enough because I hadn’t properly done my visit teaching (despite my best efforts).
2. I had experienced sexual and religious harassment at a previous job where the employer and an Idaho Human Rights Council employee called it free speech.
3. I experienced betrayal trauma from an intimate relationship.
4. I felt shame over my continued attraction to a previous crush.
5. I overextended myself by taking too many college courses.
6. I suffered from burnout, SAD, and bipolar “spring fever.”
7. I was switching medications.

Ultimately, my suicidality wasn’t directly someone else’s fault, but a combination of a few people mistreating me, mental illness, and my actions. The people who mistreated me are culpable for their actions and some of the effects on me, but not my reactions. I chose my reactions (while under the influence of mental illness) to their mistreatment.

Overall, it is too complex to “fault” anyone for a loved one’s suicide.

Has a loved one ever blamed you for their suicidality? If so, how did you deal with it?

Recognize They Want to End the Pain

A loved one may say they want to die, but what they most likely mean is that they want to end the pain. I know that’s the case for me. So to help someone, we need to look at how we can help them handle the pain in a healthy way. Often validating their feelings helps considerably.

Be Kind

We need to treat ourselves and others with kindness and patience because we are all “children” learning how to live. When we focus on kindness to all, we will have a greater influence on others. And the chances of intentionally hurting someone diminishes.

Hold Each Other Accountable

As mortals, we hurt each other intentionally and unintentionally. Your loved one will hurt you, and you will hurt your loved one. As a consequence, we need to hold ourselves accountable and our loved ones accountable. We can do this kindly and firmly. We can develop ways to kindly express hurt, employ reasonable consequences, and foster forgiveness with one another.

About two decades ago, my family and I had to hold my brother accountable for wrongdoing for him to receive additional mental health care. One afternoon, my brother destroyed parts of the house, charged at me with a knife, and threatened to kill me. My other brother knocked him down while I called the police. The police and an emergency counselor helped calm my brother. My parents charged him, which put my adult brother under state custody.

My family and I acted with love so my brother would receive vital help. Occasionally, I yelled at my brother that everything wrong was his fault and I apologized. And my brother apologized in his own way. We forgave one another. I knew his actions stemmed largely from mental illness and anxiety.

With help from his social network, my brother now has a stable life, marriage, and family.

What is your experience holding a loved one accountable?

Seek Professional Help

You and your loved one need additional help to overcome suicidality. Depending on the situation, a loved one will need a therapist, a doctor or psychiatrist, group therapy, or medication. You will need a support network too, whether that be friends, family, support groups (like NAMI), a doctor, or a therapist. Caregivers may experience burnout, anxiety, depression, or PTSD.

Did you know that it’s normal for caregivers to experience compassion fatigue?

Follow Your Gut Feeling

We each have an intuition that we may call vibes, a gut feeling, empathy, or a spiritual prompting. Personally, I believe that intuition is our spirits and the Holy Ghost. Our intuition will sometimes guide us when to help another. Almost fifteen years ago, a neighbor followed a spiritual prompting to visit me. I heard her knock while I was attempting suicide. I had prayed for help minutes before. I stopped my attempt and answered the door. She was headed back to her apartment, but she returned and talked with me. Because she followed her intuition, she may have saved my life.

Your experience may not be as dramatic, but it is those small warnings and promptings that will often guide us to help our loved ones. This doesn’t mean our intuition is always accurate or always works, but it does mean it can work. And we can develop that intuition through mindfulness.

What do you call your “gut feeling”? Where do you think this intuition comes from?

For Immediate Intervention

This section is based on a conversation with my counselor. So you know, I am unfamiliar with pinkslipping.

When you need immediate intervention for a loved one, see what you can safely do to stop them from physically harming themselves. Or employ help from others. Call emergency services or take them to the Emergency Room. If they are already injured, they will need medical help.

If a suicidal loved one refuses help in an emergency, asking police or other legal authorities to “pink-slip” or probate an individual allows authorities to speed up the intake process.

“Probating” via an affidavit filed with the court and “pink-slipping” filed by doctors, psychologists, police or other healthcare professionals are the two ways to involuntary hospitalize someone suffering mental health issues.

-Lori Steinock, CantonRep.com

Through this process, a mental health professional will assess the individual within a 24–72 hour period. After that, a judge must approve the stay based upon the evidence.

Personally, I have not been involuntarily committed, but two of my siblings have. One stayed for several months (under state custody) and the other stayed only a few days. I went to the psychiatric unit voluntarily a few days after I gave myself a concussion. I stayed five days to start new meds. They put me in touch with a psychiatrist upon leaving. That said, I won’t ever voluntarily commit myself again. I reach out for help from my husband, a suicide hotline, or other family members. I schedule an additional appointment with my psychiatrist or therapist if the suicidality persists. The best way is to seek help as early as possible.

Do you know more about immediate interventions?

Ideas for When A Loved One Is on a Waitlist

Currently, there is a long waitlist in some areas for mental health professionals. To fill that gap, a loved one can visit a school counselor, religious leader, support group, regular doctor, or call or text a crisis hotline. For two or three years, I attended a free, peer-led Recovery International support group based on Abraham Low’s cognitive behavioral therapy books.

If a loved one needs financial help, look into temporary disability, charitable organizations, or your church. Psychoeducation can be very powerful too. Many professionals have written workbooks a person can process their emotions through. An individual can employ certain therapies on their own, such as emotional freedom technique (EFT) tapping, journaling 3 good things, and mindfulness.

And the best free therapy is routine, exercise, sleep, a healthy diet, and socializing.

Do you know of other free resources or support groups? Share in the comments.

Some Pandemic Measures to Stop COVID-19 Deaths Increase Mental Illness and Deaths of Despair

Photo by Author

My thoughts are somewhat scattered writing this. I have tried multiple times to write about the mental health crisis for myself and others, but I struggle to make it coherent since I am often overwhelmed when beginning. Initially published on my Medium page 1/15/21.

I feel like this pandemic has hurt so many people mentally — more than we will know for years. We put the value on physical life — as in not dying from the coronavirus or other diseases — but some in the government and media and some regular Joes care less about those who are at increased risk of a “death of despair.” We don’t matter because we are not obvious to the world. Our deaths are recorded as something other than suicide. We are recorded as the man run over by a train or the “selfish” man who dared defend himself. We are another gun violence statistic quoted to deny us guns needed for our self-protection.

I understand that COVID-19 is a deadly disease for many. I don’t want my parents to get it. I don’t want people to live in fear of getting it. But it has spread because no human can stop nature. We can only take a few measures to mitigate the damage. Yes, masks and social distancing help. And living a healthier life would help too. But the pandemic has been used for the reason to deny people work and critical social interaction.

Talking with My Therapist about the Mental Health Impacts

I discuss many of my feelings with my therapist as I go through this. She has shared that the normal burnout people experience in late winter happened in October. Her office waitlist has increased exponentially. My son who was put on the top of that waitlist, waited three months to be seen. Current patients have also doubled their normal visits, including me who quadrupled my visits over the summer. She expresses how mental health professionals must deal with the anxiety of both clients wearing the mask and not wearing the mask, of clients’ fears when others wear or not wear a mask, those who lose loved ones to COVID-19, and those who lose loved ones to deaths of despair. They counsel those who have lost their jobs, lost social connection due to shutdowns and social distancing, and an overall sense of powerlessness. Truly, mental health professionals are left to deal with all the negative consequences.

The Mentally Ill Need Help Too

My opinion and so many other opinions on our personal mental health have been poo-pooed because we don’t fit the current narrative. The 11-year-old boy who died by suicide while attending virtual school doesn’t fit the agenda that children are adjusting to all-day online school. We are only worth listening to if it fits the majority opinion’s agenda. I am tired of being on the agenda when it is only about denying me access to firearms or increasing the federal budget. Our needs and lives matter as much as anyone else’s needs and lives. Yes, we disagree on the different approaches. Sometimes it feels like we have to fight harder to receive the help we need.

And what is the help we need IMO? Access to firearms to protect ourselves. Access to “nonessential” jobs. Access to therapy that isn’t so overrun due to the media and government (both parties) stoking our fear of physical death. Access to robust healthcare, but our healthcare has been crippled through government interference in the healthcare industry. Access to the money that we earn instead of withholding it in payroll taxes. If we want the money back, we have to wait until tax return time or navigate the impossible network of applying for disability. Access to housing, which property taxes threaten to take away. Physical access to friends and family (guess what? hugs increase happiness and immunity).

A Doctor, the Media, and Politicians Downplay Mental Illness

In the current environment, mentally ill people are treated like we don’t exist if we don’t fit a person’s narrative. It feels the only people being acknowledged as having a mental illness are those who fear themselves or loved ones dying of COVID-19. One local pediatrician posts regularly (and friends and family repost) that our anxiety is only temporary whereas those who experience COVID-19, die from it, or have a loved one die of it experience greater mental and physical health consequences. Are others who relapse into addiction, self-harm, or hurt others due to loneliness, joblessness, and homelessness only experiencing “temporary” anxiety? Are suicide and drug overdose deaths “temporary” anxiety?

Having that “temporary” anxiety mixed with bipolar 2 and PTSD, I know that my scars from suicide attempts are only “temporary.” And it would have only been “temporary” if I died (except my husband stopped me).

The media dishonestly covers the lockdown’s effect on mental illness because they downplay its effects. A one-sided article appeared that the Utah Suicide Prevention Commission claimed that those wearing a mask felt better mentally because they feel protected, yet failed to mention those who experience anxiety due to masks. They also stated that there was not an increase in suicides in Utah when we don’t know if there is a suicide increase until the CDC publishes the information in 2022. Personally, I lost trust in this commission because they won’t delve into the multi-faceted effect of the “stop the spread” campaign’s effect on the mentally ill.

If I have reservations about the Coalition’s opinion, it is because I read accident reports that I know are suicides or are most likely suicides. I also know that statistics in other countries show a different story. In Japan, suicide has increased by 83% for women and 22% for men in October 2020. Sixty-six more people have died from suicide than COVID-19 in Japan as of October. Both COVID-19 and mental illness are deadly. Neither should be downplayed.

Accusing Others of Murder Denies Physical and Mental Reality

On Veteran’s Day, the Deseret News ran a story on a WW2 vet who passed away from COVID-19 and old age. The story delves deeply into how the family claims people are so selfish for not obeying the pandemic rules. It is only the fault of “selfish” people that they couldn’t gather at his death bed and that he died. There was no mention that it is actually the nursing home and hospital policies restricting access to dying loved ones. And that this is all in place because of the VIRUS. It is no one’s fault. The family will understandably feel rage, but it isn’t appropriate for the news to publish that without any counterbalance in the article or another article. Instead, the stories of those who are suffering from psychological distress or dying deaths of despair are lost in the police/criminal section.

When a relative broke down emotionally via telephone last summer, she accused me and “Utahans” of murdering my parents. I told her no. It is COVID-19 or nature that kills. It is not me or other Utahans. I soothed her fears, but I didn’t express my pain to her. At that moment, she couldn’t handle it. Later I approached her about my pain. She thought it hadn’t affected me because I didn’t show the personal pain or loneliness. Conversely, she felt suicidal due to others mocking her for wearing a mask and concern for her health and our older relatives’ health. We both worried about losing our older relatives. Yet the pandemic measures also stopped this older couple’s home health care. In Spring 2020, one almost fell into a diabetic coma and another had a stroke. Thankfully, another relative lives near the older couple so he could check on them.

Heavy-handed Lockdown Measures Increase Potential for Riots

There are additional consequences to the lockdown. I believe the protests have more easily turned into riots because of the heavy-handed measures. George Floyd had lost his job due to the government shutdown when he was being arrested for paying with fake money. If he hadn’t lost his job (and a bad cop kneeling on him), would he be alive today? Some minorities lost their “nonessential” jobs. When the racial tension built, the jobless minorities joined in protests that sometimes turned into deadly riots.

Politicians make more laws to “slow the spread” that the police have to enforce. When we already have increased tension with police, why are we increasing the need for police? And why are these measures mostly for the people and not the politicians? Overall, this is bad for mental health.

My Personal Struggles

I don’t often share how often and how difficult my struggles have been through the pandemic. I have tried to kill myself many times from March 27 to January 14. Each time, my self-harm has escalated. I am lucky because I have a counselor, medication, a home, a husband with a job. Yet I still have been on the physical brink of death despite increased help. The times of self-harm have been affected by pandemic measures such as the closure of parks, a teacher bullying me about an obsessive level of cleanliness for several weeks, people on Facebook bullying me for stating others have a different opinion on masks, lack of social interaction, and the cost for increased mental illness care for myself and family. Other factors come into play, but my suicidality has been greater than the eight years previously.

We need to find a better balance to increase everyone’s mental health, instead of a small minority’s mental health, while taking reasonable measures to “slow the spread.”

Finding Treasures in my Preteen Journal

Via Public Domain Pictures

While dictating and typing my journal into a Word document, I am discovering interesting themes in my preteen life. I see linguistic features of a preteen, emotional ups and downs, and how my family showed love toward me.

Dictation Oddities

Putting together poems for a potential anthology, I opened my journals to read the backstory. In the process, I chose to type my journals since I had to read them anyway. Because I can't keep my journal open and type at the same time, my husband suggested the dictation feature in Word. I tried it out and it mostly works.

I discovered some quirks dictating numbers and punctuation marks. While recording the date, the software will type numbers randomly in a number/word combination. Thus, I type the date. I don't see any pattern as to why it chooses the symbol or word. Number homophones are challenging for the computer too. For example, "ate" becomes "8" when it isn't next to a food word.

For punctuation, the dictation won't change parenthesis or quotation marks into punctuation, but it recognizes words like comma, period, and exclamation point. Sometimes period is recorded as the word and not the mark. MS Word will sometimes leave a space before a period too.

Names are a nightmare to record if they are not common or not the common spelling. I have two friends' names that have unique spellings. Those have to be changed by hand. One name records in two or three variations, Millera, Llera, etc. My sister's nickname is a homophone, which the dictation software never gets right. I doubt it ever will because it isn't a standard name. Sometimes I use the find feature to change multiple names back to the correct spelling.

I probably could work out several of these bugs, but I am too lazy to figure it out. I may or may not do it within the next week, month, or year.

Linguistically Speaking

I spelled my way to state level my sixth-grade year, yet I find many interesting spellings in my journal. My favorite is "doddled" or "doodled" for "dawdled." I frequently "doddled." I misspell "i before e" words often, especially piece and receive. Another word that has always stumped me is opportunity and Cincinnati.

Some interesting punctuation features include my obsession with ALL CAPS, parentheses, brackets, and excessive exclamation points. I counted 20 exclamation points after one word. Think I got my point across? I often put ANNOYED in all caps. My writing tended to be parenthetical, and it is still parenthetical. I noticed dictation mode won't add parentheses, instead, it spells out the word. So I gave up on adding parentheses (and brackets) while dictating. I add the parentheses, brackets, and ALL CAPS while revising.

ANNOYED

I record being annoyed almost every day in my journal. I mentioned this and the general negativity in my journal on a social media post. My friends mentioned how they often only record negative events to process them, which makes sense. One friend said it described her preteen daughter. Consequently, annoyed would describe my teenage son too.

According to my preteen self, everyone was annoying, especially middle school boys, my cousin who lived with us, my siblings, and my parents.

The boys qualified for a special category of annoying, which is laughable now. Being from a small town, most of the boys were in my Sunday School class, my German class, and other school classes. Some called me a robot or coppertop. One or two hit me. One boy swore at me when I asked him to dance. But then there was one boy who was the knight in shining armor that I mention over and over again. Generally, the knight in shining armor changed every year.

Most of these annoying boys changed attitudes in high school. They went from being mean to very nice. We girls suddenly changed to potential dates and girlfriends. Currently, I am friends on social media with most of these "boys," their wives, or their parents.

The Mundane

In my journal, I listed every step I took during the day. I thought it was a terrible idea to list every step in my day when I grew older, but it's interesting to read details that I would have otherwise forgotten. At the beginning of the journal, I wrote details in long sentences. After a few months, I shortened it to one or two words for the beginning and end of my day, e.g. "woke up, thought, ate, scriptures, showered, groomed, went to school" and "read, this, bed, bye!"

Mood Swings

I recognize patterns in my undiagnosed bipolar from my journal. I am a rapid cycler, which I see in my descriptions of feeling mad, sad, annoyed, and happy in quick succession. In one entry, I mentioned how I was having one of my "BIG" emotions. Now I call those emotional moments my "bipolar moments." I displayed these emotions toward my family and friends of disliking them one moment and loving them the next.

For example, I enjoyed visiting with my sister one day of Christmas Break, but I yelled at her the next day. She had accidentally broken my CD cover while sitting on my bed. She probably came to see how I was after I had a trying day. My cousin had thrown food at me in the morning and schoolboys had thrown my school stuff across the hall. Yet I recorded how "RUDE" she was along with those "horrid boys."

I wrote poems to deal with my mood swings. Many times I wrote of loneliness, yet I had friends and family support me. I isolated myself without realizing it. I wonder if it was my bipolar, hormones, or undeveloped brain that blinded me from recognizing the love others showed me despite the meanness or indifference of others.

My Love of Amy Grant Music Interrupted by Limbaugh

I listed every time I listened to a different music artist multiple times in a day. Amy Grant and 80s ballads made the top lists. The conundrum was having access to the CD player. Before my sister moved away to college, we had her stereo system. Then there was only my parent's CD player in their room. So one day when I stayed home sick, I complained that I had to relinquish the stereo to my dad during his lunch hour.

My dad had turned my Amy Grant music off to listen to Rush Limbaugh. I had occasionally listened to AM radio with my parents, but I wanted my music at that moment. For some reason, my dad thought he should have control over his possessions. And my parents often set the car radio to Rush Limbaugh, Dr. Laura, or other AM radio talk shows. These shows tortured me to the point of head pain because Limbaugh and others talked so loudly (or my dad turned the volume too high). Ironically, I dictated this journal entry about a week before Rush Limbaugh died. I am sad to see such a notoriously loved (and hated) man pass away--especially from cancer.

When my family traveled to the nearest Walmart 90 miles away, I begged my mom for a CD player. I wrote:

I fought (words) my mom over me getting a present. I need a bike and want a CD player. My mom said to find something under $50 for a present. I looked through the CD players. I had my mom come and see what I wanted. (A CD player for $78.96 [about]). My mom said to get a tape player. I said “NO!” I said to let me go back to the car so they could buy me a present. I went out when my mom was buying everyone else presents.

I rode home mad. Listened to Amy Grant Heart in Motion [on a Walkman].

Well, I didn't get a CD player for Christmas, so I resorted to recording CDs to tape. I never mentioned what my Christmas presents were, but I didn't seem disappointed according to my journal.

Feeling the Love

In the subtext, I recognize how much my family and friends truly loved me. My sister recognized I had a bad day and came to talk, but I became angry when she broke my CD case. My brother gave me two Amy Grant CDs without me ever asking him. My mom and dad gave me rides home from school almost every day. My mom brought me dinner during play practice. And the list goes on.

I record how often I looked forward to spending time with my friends at school. We laughed during class and play practices. I talked with "Millera" and my other friends at school, play practice, and tryouts. I looked up to a girl the grade above me because she brought so much fun to play practice. Overall, I remember the giggles more than the loneliness.

Many times when I felt lonely or sad, I recorded how I prayed for comfort. In those moments, I felt God's love envelop me. Even though others may have hurt me or I didn't recognize others' love, God ensured I could feel his love.

What do you remember from middle school? Do you recognize how others loved you despite not recognizing their love then?

This post is on Medium and my personal blog.

Christmas Blahs: My Tired Brain Is Racing a Mile a Minute

 An incident reminded me of a hurtful time that sent my thoughts racing.

Tired Me

Christmastime can be a difficult time for me as my body is overproducing melatonin. I feel tired yet I have difficulty sleeping. Last Christmas I felt suicidal two days before my GRE exam. I spiraled when babysitting plans fell through last minute and my husband hesitated on canceling his plans to watch the children. Then I took the GRE and had a bout of diarrhea midway through the exam. I thought it was really bad gas, but no, I discovered it was diarrhea the hard way. Oh, that was an uncomfortable two hours finishing the exam.

This Christmas season feels easier than last year because I am not applying to graduate school. Luckily, I didn’t get accepted for Fall 2020 because I would have really hated attending college during this pandemic.

Naturally, I had to tell you about last year’s Christmastime because my mind has been running forward and backward in time. Now I can get to the matter at hand.

Yesterday, I talked with someone who mentioned knowing someone that had hurt me several years ago. This old someone had refused to communicate with me when we had several commitments to fulfill together. It snowballed. I wrote through my feelings several years ago in my journal, so I thought my feelings had been resolved. I explored my emotions last night to understand why what happened still bothered me. I realize I wanted a connection with this other person, but it became impossible when she refused to communicate with me. Our communications have remained shallow ever since. And that is how it will stay because of her choice.

One incident involved shaming a child over what I viewed as inconsequential. My mind spun on this incident because I have had people shame my children and other children for something all children do (and many adults do in private — like picking plaque off teeth). This action is viewed as “gross” and unclean. In our current climate of this pandemic, some may view this action as possibly “killing” someone because a person may spread germs. (Hey, I thought germs just do what germs are genetically coded to do: multiply and spread in human hosts.) Yet children doing this “dirty” deed attend school daily and don’t spread Covid-19 nearly as much as adults do.

So, my mind thought of all the ways we shame each other over normal bodily functions. Many examples flitted through my mind while I lay in bed for hours. Eventually, I fell asleep and woke too soon. I tried resting twice through today, but my mind keeps racing.

I read through old journal entries to understand myself better so I can improve. I recognized that I had a lot of pain because of some adults and some children shaming me for years. I don’t want other children to feel that same shame I felt. That’s why I approached this person years ago about her shaming methods. However, she passed it off as a difference of opinion. Sure, we can have a difference of opinion, but the true problem is forcing that opinion on other children and other adults. It is fine to teach children sanitary habits, but it isn’t fine to guilt-trip them to stop an action.

Tomorrow I have a counseling appointment so maybe I can talk through some of these negative feelings instead of writing about them to you dear reader. But I am sure you needed this information in your life. It is unbelievably valuable information to know:

Don’t try to figure out mutual acquaintances with others. That’s what Facebook stalking is for.

So, reader, have you ever regretted discovering a mutual acquaintance? Do your thoughts race often? Finally, how is your Christmas season going?

Struggling to Write

 My brain is either too tired or too wired to write

Via Public Domain Pictures

Since I was ten years old, I have been writing stories and dreamed of being published. Many novelists have the same dream from a young age, so I am one of many. It is about finishing a work, yet I struggle to finish.

Today I am tired after substituting a kindergarten class, taking my son to the clinic, and making dinner. I want to write fiction, but that doesn’t come as easily to me. I have trained myself to write a blog post over the last six years. It is harder to get back into writing fiction seriously.

I have been too tired for sixteen years since leaving on my Latter-day Saint mission. During the mission, I only wrote letters. After I came home early, I reordered my life to cope with my new diagnosis of bipolar 2. I worked two jobs until marriage. Then I worked more, attended college, fell asleep after work, and had children. I felt tired for 9 years. After my third son, I managed to have some energy to blog and ghostwrite two novellas. Then I felt too tired during my fourth pregnancy. About two years later, I felt I could blog again. In the meantime, I wrote several chapters in several books. I made minute progress and then I lost interest.

Having bipolar 2, my brain is also wired at times. I have many shiny new ideas for novels (and blog posts) that I never finish. I start some novels but struggle to go beyond a week or month. I become bored with the project. In high school and college, I managed to write “novels” of 20,000 words. They were rough drafts that became second drafts. I sent these to publishers with no bites. I understand why I had no bites now. They were not detailed enough. As my creative writing teacher at BYU stated, the novels lacked immediacy. I had mostly dialogue, but no details to ground the reader in the setting or action.

The novels I wrote needed reworking and the plots have changed over time. I have my list of plot ideas for the novellas I wrote in high school and college. Many ideas will fall by the wayside. That’s the nature of the beast.

Currently, I have ideas for a humanoid species who have different powers, such as mind-reading, object-reading, lip-reading, mind control, and empath powers. They are in a hierarchy of who rules over another species. This idea came from the BLM riots. History could be rewritten according to the prejudices and enslaving different “readers.” So far, I have written the creation stories of the mind-readers and lip-readers.

In order to finish many of my partial drafts, I need to reacquaint myself with the characters, settings, and plots. That can take several days or weeks that I just don’t want to “waste” during the hour or so I have time each day. I also find that I want to write about issues currently troubling me. I need to itch that scratch, per se.

What I can finish easily are poems. When my mind catches onto an idea, I can usually write a poem within days. Albeit, they may be excellent poems or mediocre poems. I may rework them later. I know others who struggle writing poetry yet can write fiction quickly. I have that momentary excitement and hyperfocus that can channel writing poetry. Not so much with novels.

Editing is another aspect of my writing. I can catch some errors quickly, while others are not so obvious. Some words I misspell almost every time: piece, niece, opportunity, and so on. Yet I can spell most words with great ease. Grammarly has been very helpful with the self-editing process.

I wondered if I still had my editing prowess since I haven’t been a tutor for 17 years. Recently, a relative and friend asked me to proofread their writing. My skills came back. I recognized error patterns that I could point out and revising for a specific audience. My friend said I retained her writing style, which makes me very pleased. That is the goal of editing: to retain the writer’s style through editorial changes.

Now here I am writing another blog post about writing instead of writing fiction. I can manage some blog posts within 2–4 hours, which is why I usually devote my time to blog posts.

One day I will write fiction with ease again. When my children are older. When my youngest leaves the house. When I finish vacationing during retirement. Okay, maybe that time will never come unless I change my habits.

C’est la vie.