Coming to Terms with My Bisexuality Within a My Moral Framework

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I didn't "come out" as bisexual until Summer 2021 partially because I didn't have a term for my sexuality until a few years ago. Even when I did mention my sexual orientation almost two years ago, I only mentioned it briefly in a blog post. Later, I mentioned it in the context of tribalism on my personal Facebook page. No one said anything about my subtle "coming out". In a way, this comforted me because my friends and family viewed me as the same person.

When I Knew

In January 2000, I first felt same-sex attraction at sixteen years old during a school practice. This shocked me because I had an almost constant attraction to males, so it just didn't make sense. I knew Ellen Degeneres was a lesbian. My distant relative was gay. And Leonardo DiCaprio was bisexual--whatever that was. Despite DiCaprio, 90s media mainly portrayed the binary of straight or gay/lesbian, so I didn't understand where I "fit" in. I feared I might be a lesbian, but that didn't fit my experience of only fleeting attraction to females.

After this, I trusted my body's signals less. My libido already exceeded the normal level of my peers due to bipolar 2 symptoms (still undiagnosed). And already dealing with the shame associated with preteen compulsive self-stimulation, I only felt more shame and confusion. Generally, I feared my own sexuality. I only dared to share about self-stimulation--and not same-sex attraction.

Trusted adults reassured me self-stimulation was a natural inclination, and they encouraged me to forgive myself. Instead, I absorbed the shame my peers communicated subconsciously. So this definitely meant not admitting to same-sex attraction to anyone, especially in light of a few peers' degrading remarks on homosexuality.

College

While at college, I had a resurgence of same-sex attraction when I felt depressed during my second semester at BYU. Ironically, my attraction to males decreased significantly. I didn't share my feelings with anyone, but I think some people may have understood. For example, my sister had the impression that one of my struggles was same-sex attraction. She shared her impression later on and I confirmed it.

One college friend expressed that women can feel attracted to each other because they share their feelings openly. And she expressed that some teenagers die by suicide because they freak out when they feel same-sex attraction. Her words helped me cope with my own feelings, whether she knew it or not. Then I understood that it's okay to feel same-sex attraction and it isn't worth ending a life over it.

Also, a counselor at BYU talked about thoughts being like leaves in the wind. This simile aided my understanding that my thoughts of self-stimulation and same-sex attraction were fleeting ideas. They would disappear. This helped me cope with my feelings within my moral framework. (I know others have different experiences where same-sex attraction remains a constant.)

Before my proselyting mission, I wrote an essay entitled "The Genetics of Homosexuality." I tried to understand why some feel same-sex attraction. Subconsciously, I was trying to understand myself.

Why I Waited to "Come Out" in My 30s

In 2020, I started a post that I never published. I wrote:

"I don't want to be called brave, gross, or sinful for sharing. ... I don't want my story as part of an agenda. I don't want to be the bisexual woman who followed the commandments, so why can't you? I don't want to be the bisexual woman who is told to ignore my [beliefs] because others perceive it as anti-gay. I don't want straight women to feel uncomfortable around me.

I want to be me."

On Twitter, I follow or check out others' tweets about religious LGB individuals. There I see some on both sides mock, besmirch, cancel, and dox each other. I wonder at such hate and pettiness. And this is partly why I hesitated to share my experience beyond family and close friends. But I decided that my perspective and experience add to the variety of LGB experiences. My perspective may help other LGB individuals understand themselves.

My Marriage

I shared my same-sex attraction with my husband a few years ago. (I didn't understand myself well enough to tell him before then.) He accepted it as a part of my sexuality. We had already discussed that though we are married, we still feel attracted to other people. I am just attracted to a wider variety of people than my husband. We have worked for years to foster honesty and trust with each other about various sexual feelings. It hasn't been easy, but we know we want to be together.

Being married, I recognized that part of me is a sexual being. Sexual feelings are healthy when channeled in a positive direction. Thus, I learned my libido helps me express affection to my husband. And it helps propagate the species in families. When I feel same-sex attraction, I believe that sexual desire stems from a desire for a deeper connection. I first made this connection when pondering Jillian Michaels' first marriage with Heidi Rhoades.

My understanding that my sexual orientation didn't define me deepened over the years. My true identity is that I am human and a child of God. My sexual orientation is a secondary characteristic, along with others like my creativity. I have intrinsic worth for being alive. And so too does every person with same-sex, opposite-sex, or asexual orientations.

I learned self-acceptance largely through the example of a friend who I met through volunteer English teaching 18 years ago. While reading his blog and essays over the years, his words helped me put my bisexual feelings into perspective along with my spiritual beliefs. Soon I shaped new beliefs.

Talking with My Son

When I was 15, I overheard my mom talking with a relative and mentioning a sexual term. I felt very uncomfortable asking my parents or others about this, though my mom would have answered my question. Instead, I turned to the dictionary (the internet was still new). Still, I had only a vague idea of what the term meant. Though I am glad I sought a factually accurate source. Because of my reticence as a teenager, I hoped to develop that trust with my son so he will come to my husband or me first.

My husband and I have tried to help my oldest son feel comfortable talking to us about sexuality. One time he ran to his room so that one attempt didn't work well. I'm learning that it needs to come up naturally in conversation. While driving him home from school, I casually mentioned that maybe boys may date boys. He seemed to think I was a chill mom for that comment. Mostly, I want him to feel comfortable sharing his orientation with my husband and me. In another conversation with my son, my husband, and me, we discussed different orientations. We had a fruitful discussion where my husband and I reiterated: "Please come to us for your questions first". We hope to provide accurate information without him sorting through explicit or inaccurate internet sources.

My Political Take

Over my lifetime, the acceptance of the LGB community has increased, and they feel safer opening up about their experiences. Conversion therapy techniques once caused more harm than good. However, the pendulum has swung too far so that schools refuse to tell parents about a child's orientation. Many religions have softened their stance toward LGB individuals.

After Obergefell v. Hodges, same-sex marriage became legal in the US. Some accepted this as the new law of the land, while others still balked at it. Personally, same-sex marriage seemed an inevitable outcome, even if I questioned its morality. Instead, my husband and I discussed that marriage should be a religious ceremony and no longer the government's role. Before legalization, many insurance companies wouldn't include a same-sex partner on the other partner's plan. This type of situation definitely needed nondiscrimination legislation in the US before legalization.

Sadly, for many years (and still today) religious people, traditional marriage allies, LGB allies, and the LGB community fought instead of seeking compromises and peaceful resolutions. Both sides sometimes show signs of intolerance, being easily offended, and bigotry. We can love each other, seek understanding, hold boundaries, and agreeably disagree. This takes practicing humility on an individual level. Recognize you can only choose how you act and react.

If you want more of my take on LGB issues, consider tipping, subscribing, pledging, or following me on Facebook or Twitter @oeileend_oed.

Let's See Ourselves as More Than One-dimensional

Red Canyon displays the diversity of Earth

Many times we look at ourselves in the mirror and only notice our physical appearance. We pick on one feature we dislike or preen at another feature we like. For me, I focus too much on my obesity. Yet, we often neglect to see ourselves as multidimensional--like a disco ball. We are so much more: our talents, weaknesses, memories, knowledge, thoughts, and feelings. We may take that perspective outward to judge others based on their most obvious characteristic too.

Indeed, we have let ourselves be categorized in so many ways by race, ethnicity, religion, political persuasion, beliefs, sexuality, gender expression, nationality, and so on. These categories can be useful to help us identify our past, our needs, our beliefs, and so on if we keep it in perspective that we are multi-dimensional human beings. The harm comes when we focus only on one identity of ourselves or one identity of another person.

Overview

1. A mask says nothing about the person behind it.
2. An obsession with race can lead to enmity, but it can be a jumping point to understand our heritage better.
3. Labels for sexual orientation can lead to a greater personal understanding when kept in perspective.
4. We need to love our personal diversity (including weaknesses) in order to love others.
5. Growth comes from responsible reactions to a diversity of thought, culture, etc.

Only the Mask

This last year has taught us the preciousness of our physical bodies. We are taking so many actions to protect our physical bodies. However, we have judged one another based on the outward appearance of "obedience" to these actions. We judge a person on whether they wear a mask or not as if that determines their intelligence, political party, or religious affiliation.

We have taken this one measure to determine so much about a person. Some judge an unmasked person as being stupid, lazy, uncaring, disobedient, etc. Others judge the masked as woke, snobbish, liberal, unAmerican, stupid, etc. This piece of cloth tells us nothing about a person's character besides that they are wearing a mask.

We don't know their health history, their attitudes, their vaccination status, their compassion, or their political affiliation based on a mask.

But we can ask someone why they wear or don't wear a mask to understand them better. I know people who differ on mask-wearing for similar reasons.

Only Race

When we become hung up on race as a sole identifier, we may think our race is either superior or inferior. And we may view other races as either superior or inferior. Thus, enmity can distort our view that someone is an oppressor or a weakling, or it develops into self-hate or self-conceit. Either outcome denies the beauty of our personal and societal diversity.

Overall, we don't need to be prideful or humiliated by our skin color. Instead, we can let our skin color show us our heritage, our culture, and our human diversity. For example, I know my ancestors are most likely Northern Europeans because I am pale with freckles. Surprisingly, I also have some Semitic DNA (though my mom hasn't found a link in her family history research).

Sadly, sometimes certain characteristics have been attached to race. We may mistakenly associate whites with bigotry, blacks with stupidity, or Asians with excessive achievement. The list goes on. With any of these stereotypes, we create division with a member of our race or another race. When we look at more than skin color, we see a diversity of ideas too.

Our differences of experience, skin tone, and ideas provide us the opportunity to see new perspectives. Thus, diversity and opposition produce greater progress scientifically, spiritually, politically, or emotionally. Ultimately, it is part of our journey toward objective truth.

Only Sexuality

I recognized my occasional same-sex attraction since my junior year in high school but didn't have a label for it. In the 90s, only lesbian and gay labels floated as alternative sexual orientations. I still felt attraction toward males, so I knew I wasn't a lesbian. In the 2010s, I heard the label bisexual and asexual. Then I had a term for my sexuality: bisexual. It helped to have this label so I could process my sexuality as one of my many dimensions.

Some have an "us vs. them" mentality toward sexuality that focuses only on heterosexuality vs. LGBTQIA. Some straight people feel the need to identify as allies. Others call LGBTQIA the alphabet people (you have to admit the acronym keeps getting longer). This focus on only sexual identity creates division within our communities.

LGBTQIA individuals may feel alone, divided within themselves, or cluster in groups according to sexuality. Their allies and these individuals band together sometimes excluding those who disagree. Some persecute LGBTQIA individuals, whether intentional or not. In the end, both may resort to defensiveness. Hopefully, when we focus on loving the whole individual instead, the division and defensiveness will fall away concerning sexual orientation.

I know LGBTQIA individuals struggle to see themselves multi-faceted, which can lead to suicidal ideation. For example, David Archuleta had trouble even acknowledging his gayness to himself within his belief system, so he felt he needed to die by suicide. Sadly, he had difficulty seeing he could be gay and a Latter-day Saint Christian simultaneously (I know it's a tricky balance). He has a difficult road ahead of him, whatever path he takes. Plus, I am so glad he is still around.

Personally, I felt unity when I "came out" as bisexual to friends and family (I told my husband when I realized it myself). One sister was surprised, one sister knew it intuitively, one brother said he loved me, and my mom opined about the origin of my feelings, but all my family said they loved me. Then I shared my orientation on social media in a post about tribalism. No one commented on my sexuality. I felt unsure about that, but the non-reaction revealed to me that my friends and family view all of me already.

I hope others have similar social support. In my experience, it helps when relationships are rooted in more than one identity. In fact, having respect for disagreeing disagreeably makes a relationship stronger.

Love Yourself More Wholly to Love Others

Since self-hate often begins with thinking errors, it can be reversed through developing healthier thinking patterns.

I follow one person on Twitter who I notice can be harsh toward other people who profess different opinions (race, religion, culture, etc. don't play a factor). I wondered at her harshness until I saw a post about how she is harsh with herself. It clicked. Her frequent negative self-talk saps her energy to love herself and those ideologically different from her.

So how can we love ourselves more (to love others)? Truly, there isn't a one-size-fits-all answer. First, we need to remember we are intrinsic and eternal beings full of potential. Second, we need to address our physical needs--food, movement, sleep, needed medication, etc.--so our brains have the energy to rewire themselves. Finally, we can practice mindfulness, gratitude, and recognizing thinking errors (cognitive behavioral therapy). With practice, we can replace negative self-talk with realistic, kind, and positive self-talk.

The Value of Diversity

As humans we desire homeostasis--we don't want to rock the boat. But with the diversity within our own selves and the diversity of others combats that status quo. We cannot stay the same because we are in constant flux as we rub shoulders. Overall, we can use diversity, change, and opposition to create greater beauty.

We can let our beauty be like multi-faceted disco balls reflecting a rainbow of colors on each other and on the dance floor.

We are beautiful.