Autism: A New Diagnosis in a Poem

Autism,

But I don’t

Comprehend what this new

Diagnosis means for my son — for our family.

Emotional meltdowns

Figure into our daily life, or

Get in the way of our daily life.

He needs help — more than

I can

Juggle at this time.

Love and laugh with him —

Maybe I can do that. I know

No one can do this alone.

Others have (and will) help

Prepare us. They will answer

Questions we have.

Son, I wish you could

Tell me what you need.

Use your words please.

Voice your thoughts. Finally,

What can I do for

You to thrive in this

Zigzag world?

I have friends and relatives who are on the spectrum, so I’ve been nominally familiar with it all. I worked with some tweens at the school with autism too. Many friends have family have talked about their experiences, so we are learning.

Because my son personally looked us in the eye, my husband and I didn’t think he had autism. Though many have suspected my son had autism. It is hard to tell when his frequent ear infections interfered with his early speech development. He currently speaks several years below his level, so it’s been hard to gauge what my be autism or just a delay. Even the psychologist wasn’t sure the ratio. Still, he has received school services for several years. Now we will work on the other therapies that insurance should help cover now!

Good luck to you other families too!

Naptime

Original photo

Lord, let me retire

Yet mind fired; body expired

Ideas twirl whirl swirl

Face afire, icy toes

Flip pillow, rub toes

Toss, turn--

Sheets tumbled jumbled crumpled

Align hips, spine straight

Drop head to pillow

Shoulder to toe burrow below

Finally, brain refrains

Thoughts in, thoughts out

Breathe in, breathe out

Lungs billow,

Drool on pillow

No thoughts, no oughts

Zero consciousness

Blessed nothingness

--

Strange streaming, dreaming

Clasping, grasping vivid images

Yet lapsing, collapsing memory

Breaking light, waking sight

Birds' hymns, stretch limbs

Muscles relieved, rest received

I finished writing this poem and now I want to fall asleep. How about you? Anyway, if you are conscious enough, I'd appreciate a follow, tip, or monthly pledge. You can also find my musings on my personal blog, Facebook, and Twitter.

How to Gain Weight Quickly

Selfie

You know this is your true goal. Hardy-har-har.

I keep seeing articles about how to lose weight. People, this is not the answer! I tell you, you need a different mindset and solution. Good thing I know how to gain weight quickly — even 130 lbs. I’ve done it over the last 20 years. It’s rather simple really. Let me share my tips with you!

Medication with the Side Effect of Weight Gain

First, have an illness that requires medication with the side effect of extra hunger. Many mental illness medications will do that for you. (Okay, some balancing illness and side effects may be necessary.) This is how I gained my first 30 lbs. Even lots of exercise sometimes — like 3 hours of dancing, biking, and/or walking — won’t combat this.

Don’t Sleep at Night

Second, have manic episodes where you can’t fall asleep at night. This way you are tired during the day and can’t burn as many calories. I also suggest bedtime revenge procrastination. You have lots of stress and you feel out of control. This is how I gained probably lots of pounds. Honestly, I have no idea how much it contributed.

Overeating Because You Feel a Loss of Control

Second, engage in a binge eating disorder, but it can’t include any purging. Don’t worry. Just pretend you want to gain control in your life by the one thing you feel you can control: how much you eat. Or rather, that you have to eat when a cafeteria prepares it only three times a day. If you miss one, goodbye to a meal. So you overeat at each meal. I did this by eating extra food at each available meal. By the way, this habit will continue years after if you let it. This was probably some cause for 20/30 lbs. while starting new medications. Add another 10–20 lbs after that for feeling unable to control when I could eat.

Don’t Feel Normal

Getting on the right medication for the right diagnosis, thus reducing stress, will combat the weight gain process. I mean, that makes it so you sleep normal, eat normal, be normal. Sadly, I lost 10–15 lbs while staying extra busy. Too busy until I crashed after marriage. Wait, I may have been a little manic.

Bad Job, Birth Control Good for You

When you crash, make sure to crash real hard. Stay in a crummy job where they harass you, and go into a depressive mode for a few months. Oh, I forgot. Be on hormonal birth control too like so many women are at the same time as all the other fun stuff.

Shame, Shame Morning Sickness

But watch out for morning sickness during pregnancy. That will make you lose 16 lbs. Your ob/gyn will say it’s not a fun way to lose weight, but the results are good. (By the way, I switched to another doctor for the rest of my pregnancy. I wonder why.)

The key after that is to feel stressed and have a remaining binge disorder for a few years more. Oh, and joblessness. And post-partum depression. And switching to an even more infamous weight-gaining med. Pushing a stroller around with another friend may combat some of your progress. But drinking lots of lemonade to calm your stomach during your third pregnancy will help you gain back some weight.

Repeat the Cycle

You need to keep stressing over life. I can’t emphasize stressing enough. I mean it activates that cortisol, fight-or-flight, the lizard brain, increased hunger, all kinds of good stuff. You can do some exercise stuff, which will defeat your weight gain purpose. Luckily, the stress will usually kick back in. And don’t you dare learn coping techniques.

Bad Events, Trauma, All Fun Stuff

So my third son had a near-fatal accident three years ago and the family all had PTSD after. I can’t recommend this mysterious brain injury more. I mean, I gained 30 lbs. Don’t read The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk or get therapy. These might heal that brain injury. I mean, I had the best effects from PTSD, like anger, night terrors, blowup moments, and stress.

I can’t stress avoiding trauma-informed therapy enough — like exposure therapy, psychoeducation, EMDR, cognitive behavioral training, prayer and meditation, exercise, or talk therapy.

A Crappy Night’s Sleep

Now gaining weight might cause beneficial things like obstructing your airways at night. This is fun because you have sleep apnea, thus less oxygen at night. Crappy sleep will help you gain weight and increase your stress level. Don’t get help for sleep apnea — like a CPAP, mouth device, or oxygen at night.

Finally, Don’t Learn to Manage Stress

Stress is the best way to gain weight. I don’t recommend anything like professional help, exercise, meditation, coping techniques, a life coach, or adequate sleep. I mean stress probably caused most of my weight gain.

Seriously, Though

Yes, I have told you a tale of woe because I am sick of seeing quick hacks to a very real problem of obesity and eating disorders. Or the extremes of the body positivity movement that celebrates obesity. This is a serious epidemic that leads to many problems such as heart disease, high blood pressure, compromised immunity, lack of movement, and a shortened life span. Likewise, excessive weight loss causes many health problems too.

We must strive for balance and moderation, stress reduction, and accept that we can’t control outside circumstances. I personally recommend finding people to help you in your journey to be a healthy weight for you. Find friends, family, support groups, doctors, coaches, and so many others.

Lastly, our bodies are a divine gift. I’m working on how to take care of it. I imagine you are too. Let’s not get caught up in the extremes, but find what works for our bodies.

Lots of love!

Crazy Redheaded Lady

If you enjoyed my sarcasm, you can possibly find more by subscribing to my Vocal page or following me on Twitter, Facebook, Medium, or my personal blog Musings of a Crazy Redhead. Personally, I recommend tipping or pledging too through my Vocal page. ;)

Nocturnal Geometry

Photo by Eileen Davis

Inverted bowl of blackish blue 

Over rural acute-angled roofs, 

Girls giggle, bouncing on canvas circle. 

Then circumference springs support reclined friends 

Musing of sacred mysteries. 

Soon we slumber under Perseus’s protection.

- ---

Under beams of immortal moon, 

Westward of any plotted town, 

Youth leaders guide my eyes 

Through magnified lenses 

Upon reflective rocks, 

Cratered orbs, clouded globes, 

Dusted iced rock ovals-- 

Mere mirrors of superior suns. 

----

Under shroud of bluish black

Adjacent steepled spaces,

Sacred silence encompasses.

My gaze reaches Orion’s belt.

Unlike Orion who hunted beasts,

We’d hunted, nay gathered, ancestors home,

Mortals to achieve immortal mansions.

----

Like spilled milk across dark granite top, 

Within wire perimeters,

Feet sink in the grass,

My finger aims to Polaris

Guiding my son's eyes above.

Two dippers stream celestial serene, 

Intersect upon our axis.

----

Beneath sky's stalactites

Over suburban pentagonal homes 

Lighted linear paths, darkened rectangle yards 

My house obscured; no lights left on. 

Two perched on back porch steps. 

Warm wind brushes over our squared legs; 

Two entwined hands triangulate. 

As one outstretched grasp, 

our corporeal compass circumscribes 

Charted pinpoints, like glimmering glass fragments, 

Pressed upon a mosaic map. 

I capture the moments throughout my life where I have gazed at the stars and been infused with God's love. I refer to a sleepover, stargazing at a Young Women's activity, looking at Orion's belt after doing baptisms for the dead in the Monticello Latter-day Saint temple, and stargazing with my sons and my husband.

To What One Clings

 

-Eileen Davis

Gather my sons

Around the fire.

 

Faith will hold you

As you cling to it.

I can only guide

As you see fit.

 

Peril, my sons,

Shall surely try thee.

 

Foes bereave us;

Friends will flee;

Fun deceives the wise

Who pray on bended knee.

 

Trials, my sons,

Shall test thy will.

 

Pry away wrong;

Prove your strength:

Praying and pleading

To hold at length.

 

Experience, my sons,

Shall be for thy good.

Based on Doctrine and Covenants section 122 when God explains to Joseph Smith this experience is for his good.

Why I Quit My Second Job

Secret Garden at Thanksgiving Point (photo by Author)

Many of us operate on the cordiality principle where we want to please others around us. This desire helps bind us as a community, but can also backfire. We can overcommit ourselves when we won't say no to another person. I fell into this trap this spring (as I have many springs when my energy returns).

A Second Job

Feeling extra pressure from rising inflation, I applied for a second job at a grocery store. The "Now Hiring" sign advertised up to $15 an hour and a $500 bonus. When I didn't hear from the store for a week, I increased my hours as a tutor. Weeks later, the store hired me during the interview at $12 an hour and a six-month bonus. I started two weeks later on a Tuesday night. Because I had written my availability before increasing my hours at my tutoring job, they scheduled me for too many hours and at inconvenient times.

I enjoyed working at the grocery store because I socialized with many acquaintances I rarely see, but I missed seeing my children for two days in a row. So I reduced my hours at both my jobs to reduce stress and increase family time. Yet I wouldn't say no as many people-pleasers do. I wanted to please my coworkers at both jobs to the detriment of my mental health.

Before a Saturday evening shift, my husband and I talked about the impact of working too much when I felt an oncoming panic attack and suicidality. I debated working more, but I had to disappoint others to maintain my mental health. Otherwise, I have no strength to help anyone. Finally, I felt the peace I had prayed for when I made the decision to quit. About an hour before my shift, I handed in my uniform and said I needed to quit for my mental health. The supervisor said, "Okay."

I still hated to disappoint him.

Do you feel conflicted when you say no, even when it is for your health? Are you overworking yourself to relieve financial stress?

Effects of Stress

I am told to play mother,

Scholar, wife, CEO, or another.

I can’t fulfill all these roles

Without access to all controls.

I cannot rule a boss or a man;

I can only do what I can.

--"As a Woman" by Eileen Davis

In my health coach's group, we often discuss saying "no" to protect our health. My coach sees too many women gain weight because they stretch themselves too thin. As a result of too much stress, I know women who lose weight too. We learn overcommitting ourselves affects our physical and mental health because of negative stress. The constant state of stress and overproduction of cortisol increases our hunger, headaches, muscle tension, and more. Thus, our bodies and minds need short and long periods of recovery.

And yes, we need to unwind away from electronic devices, which actually stimulate the brain. I have a hard time with this because I still play puzzle games on my phone (but I listen to calming music!). Instead, I need to increase my recovery time. I've listed that drawing, stretching, deep breaths, calm music, swinging, and looking at the stars help me destress. I am working on these techniques, an ongoing process.

How has stress affected you? What activities calm you?

A Time and a Season

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven...a time to break down, and a time to build up... A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away...a time to keep silence, and a time to speak.

Ecclesiastes 3:1, 3, 6, 7

The ancients knew that there is a time and season for activity and rest--that we need moderation in all things. This is difficult in our present emphasis on productivity. But as the seasons change, we need seasons of rest and recovery too.

Particularly, there are times "to speak" no and times to "keep silence" to indicate a no. "No" can be powerful to restore balance in our lives, so we can say "yes" to more important matters. Thus, we will be more present and productive during the important activities.

How do you think setting boundaries by saying "no" will help you?

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Coming to Terms with My Bisexuality Within a My Moral Framework

selfie

I didn't "come out" as bisexual until Summer 2021 partially because I didn't have a term for my sexuality until a few years ago. Even when I did mention my sexual orientation almost two years ago, I only mentioned it briefly in a blog post. Later, I mentioned it in the context of tribalism on my personal Facebook page. No one said anything about my subtle "coming out". In a way, this comforted me because my friends and family viewed me as the same person.

When I Knew

In January 2000, I first felt same-sex attraction at sixteen years old during a school practice. This shocked me because I had an almost constant attraction to males, so it just didn't make sense. I knew Ellen Degeneres was a lesbian. My distant relative was gay. And Leonardo DiCaprio was bisexual--whatever that was. Despite DiCaprio, 90s media mainly portrayed the binary of straight or gay/lesbian, so I didn't understand where I "fit" in. I feared I might be a lesbian, but that didn't fit my experience of only fleeting attraction to females.

After this, I trusted my body's signals less. My libido already exceeded the normal level of my peers due to bipolar 2 symptoms (still undiagnosed). And already dealing with the shame associated with preteen compulsive self-stimulation, I only felt more shame and confusion. Generally, I feared my own sexuality. I only dared to share about self-stimulation--and not same-sex attraction.

Trusted adults reassured me self-stimulation was a natural inclination, and they encouraged me to forgive myself. Instead, I absorbed the shame my peers communicated subconsciously. So this definitely meant not admitting to same-sex attraction to anyone, especially in light of a few peers' degrading remarks on homosexuality.

College

While at college, I had a resurgence of same-sex attraction when I felt depressed during my second semester at BYU. Ironically, my attraction to males decreased significantly. I didn't share my feelings with anyone, but I think some people may have understood. For example, my sister had the impression that one of my struggles was same-sex attraction. She shared her impression later on and I confirmed it.

One college friend expressed that women can feel attracted to each other because they share their feelings openly. And she expressed that some teenagers die by suicide because they freak out when they feel same-sex attraction. Her words helped me cope with my own feelings, whether she knew it or not. Then I understood that it's okay to feel same-sex attraction and it isn't worth ending a life over it.

Also, a counselor at BYU talked about thoughts being like leaves in the wind. This simile aided my understanding that my thoughts of self-stimulation and same-sex attraction were fleeting ideas. They would disappear. This helped me cope with my feelings within my moral framework. (I know others have different experiences where same-sex attraction remains a constant.)

Before my proselyting mission, I wrote an essay entitled "The Genetics of Homosexuality." I tried to understand why some feel same-sex attraction. Subconsciously, I was trying to understand myself.

Why I Waited to "Come Out" in My 30s

In 2020, I started a post that I never published. I wrote:

"I don't want to be called brave, gross, or sinful for sharing. ... I don't want my story as part of an agenda. I don't want to be the bisexual woman who followed the commandments, so why can't you? I don't want to be the bisexual woman who is told to ignore my [beliefs] because others perceive it as anti-gay. I don't want straight women to feel uncomfortable around me.

I want to be me."

On Twitter, I follow or check out others' tweets about religious LGB individuals. There I see some on both sides mock, besmirch, cancel, and dox each other. I wonder at such hate and pettiness. And this is partly why I hesitated to share my experience beyond family and close friends. But I decided that my perspective and experience add to the variety of LGB experiences. My perspective may help other LGB individuals understand themselves.

My Marriage

I shared my same-sex attraction with my husband a few years ago. (I didn't understand myself well enough to tell him before then.) He accepted it as a part of my sexuality. We had already discussed that though we are married, we still feel attracted to other people. I am just attracted to a wider variety of people than my husband. We have worked for years to foster honesty and trust with each other about various sexual feelings. It hasn't been easy, but we know we want to be together.

Being married, I recognized that part of me is a sexual being. Sexual feelings are healthy when channeled in a positive direction. Thus, I learned my libido helps me express affection to my husband. And it helps propagate the species in families. When I feel same-sex attraction, I believe that sexual desire stems from a desire for a deeper connection. I first made this connection when pondering Jillian Michaels' first marriage with Heidi Rhoades.

My understanding that my sexual orientation didn't define me deepened over the years. My true identity is that I am human and a child of God. My sexual orientation is a secondary characteristic, along with others like my creativity. I have intrinsic worth for being alive. And so too does every person with same-sex, opposite-sex, or asexual orientations.

I learned self-acceptance largely through the example of a friend who I met through volunteer English teaching 18 years ago. While reading his blog and essays over the years, his words helped me put my bisexual feelings into perspective along with my spiritual beliefs. Soon I shaped new beliefs.

Talking with My Son

When I was 15, I overheard my mom talking with a relative and mentioning a sexual term. I felt very uncomfortable asking my parents or others about this, though my mom would have answered my question. Instead, I turned to the dictionary (the internet was still new). Still, I had only a vague idea of what the term meant. Though I am glad I sought a factually accurate source. Because of my reticence as a teenager, I hoped to develop that trust with my son so he will come to my husband or me first.

My husband and I have tried to help my oldest son feel comfortable talking to us about sexuality. One time he ran to his room so that one attempt didn't work well. I'm learning that it needs to come up naturally in conversation. While driving him home from school, I casually mentioned that maybe boys may date boys. He seemed to think I was a chill mom for that comment. Mostly, I want him to feel comfortable sharing his orientation with my husband and me. In another conversation with my son, my husband, and me, we discussed different orientations. We had a fruitful discussion where my husband and I reiterated: "Please come to us for your questions first". We hope to provide accurate information without him sorting through explicit or inaccurate internet sources.

My Political Take

Over my lifetime, the acceptance of the LGB community has increased, and they feel safer opening up about their experiences. Conversion therapy techniques once caused more harm than good. However, the pendulum has swung too far so that schools refuse to tell parents about a child's orientation. Many religions have softened their stance toward LGB individuals.

After Obergefell v. Hodges, same-sex marriage became legal in the US. Some accepted this as the new law of the land, while others still balked at it. Personally, same-sex marriage seemed an inevitable outcome, even if I questioned its morality. Instead, my husband and I discussed that marriage should be a religious ceremony and no longer the government's role. Before legalization, many insurance companies wouldn't include a same-sex partner on the other partner's plan. This type of situation definitely needed nondiscrimination legislation in the US before legalization.

Sadly, for many years (and still today) religious people, traditional marriage allies, LGB allies, and the LGB community fought instead of seeking compromises and peaceful resolutions. Both sides sometimes show signs of intolerance, being easily offended, and bigotry. We can love each other, seek understanding, hold boundaries, and agreeably disagree. This takes practicing humility on an individual level. Recognize you can only choose how you act and react.

If you want more of my take on LGB issues, consider tipping, subscribing, pledging, or following me on Facebook or Twitter @oeileend_oed.