I received the letter today that I was not accepted to the linguistics MA program at BYU. I am disappointed. I have cried some tears, but that is to be expected. I believe that is a normal reaction.
Now I am trying to stay on a positive focus, so I am not on a downward spiral. I can feel tugs of the negative voice telling me I am stupid. But the reality is that there are only so many open slots each year in a program. I don't know why my application was rejected. I will probably ask for more details so I can improve those aspects. I may try to apply again next year. I know that my GRE scores were low.
Anyway, I am intelligent. But it is hard to see that intelligence as a mother sometimes. I don't have the time to sit and write intelligently thought out papers like I used to. Bipolar doesn't limit my intelligence, but it impacts my ability to concentrate. I have racing thoughts and my thoughts often go on tangents. I have a difficult time focusing. I love the next shiny thing. In this way, my writing is often choppy or stream of consciousness. It can be confusing. I have to focus very hard to complete tasks with bipolar and with four boys distracting me. I want peace.
I wonder about God's timing in all of this. What is in store for me? I still have a toddler at home I watch during the day. I just am antsy having been a homemaker for 12 years. I feel stuck in my growth. I've applied for a few part-time jobs, but I am only available in the evenings. This is just a pity party.
We save money since I won't be in grad school. We will save thousands of dollars.
I will keep my sanity, right?
Haha!
I am going crazy!
Now I am trying to stay on a positive focus, so I am not on a downward spiral. I can feel tugs of the negative voice telling me I am stupid. But the reality is that there are only so many open slots each year in a program. I don't know why my application was rejected. I will probably ask for more details so I can improve those aspects. I may try to apply again next year. I know that my GRE scores were low.
Anyway, I am intelligent. But it is hard to see that intelligence as a mother sometimes. I don't have the time to sit and write intelligently thought out papers like I used to. Bipolar doesn't limit my intelligence, but it impacts my ability to concentrate. I have racing thoughts and my thoughts often go on tangents. I have a difficult time focusing. I love the next shiny thing. In this way, my writing is often choppy or stream of consciousness. It can be confusing. I have to focus very hard to complete tasks with bipolar and with four boys distracting me. I want peace.
I wonder about God's timing in all of this. What is in store for me? I still have a toddler at home I watch during the day. I just am antsy having been a homemaker for 12 years. I feel stuck in my growth. I've applied for a few part-time jobs, but I am only available in the evenings. This is just a pity party.
We save money since I won't be in grad school. We will save thousands of dollars.
I will keep my sanity, right?
Haha!
I am going crazy!
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