Who Fits the Traditional Mold?

"People have the most self-esteem when they achieve a balance in their sense of inclusion and uniqueness. That is, they wish to be similar enough to others to feel a part of their groups, but they also want to be be different enough to be special." 

Mark Moffett, The Human Swarm p. 134

My Relief Society studied Sharon Eubank's General Conference talk "Christ: the Light that Shines in Darkness" on Sunday. We discussed the section "Some of us feel we don't fit the traditional mold." One sister commented that none of us really fit the "traditional mold" because we are all unique.

In the Church community, sometimes we can feel like we don't fit the "traditional mold" of a Saint. Many have the idea that Saints are heterosexual couples with two or more children. The man served a mission and the woman may have served a mission. If they live in Utah, then they are probably white, have some pioneer heritage, grew up in the Church, are "conservative", etc. But this all follows a stereotype that we create in our minds of a "perfect" image. It isn't reality for most people. Even those who partially fit a stereotype, are not so easily typecast.

Some might say my family fits the mold of a returned missionary husband, yet he left when he was 22. I came home early from my mission. I have difficulties because of my bipolar. We have four boys, which would meet a stereotype of members; we both are from pioneer and convert heritage; white. We are libertarian conservatives. I chose to only act on heterosexual feelings, but I had some bisexual leanings as a young adult (my experience is not indicative of others).

There are other members I know who are single, divorced, remarried, struggling with addiction, LGBTQ, Democrat, Republican, childless, all races, and so on. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is a place for everyone to gather to bring themselves closer to Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father through sacred ordinances.

In Sister Eubank's talk, she says Christ's sees us in our tree, or as an individual. Christ knows our pain and sorrows. Then we come together in unity of purpose in our families and wards to improve ourselves and comfort one another. We are all imperfect, so we will smooth each other's edges out as bump into one another to fit together, per se.

This reminded me of how humans have two competing desires: to be a part of a group, yet assert their individuality. We need your individualism to retain personal identity, but retain a group identity too. If we don't maintain this balance, we feel too isolated in uniqueness or passed over in a crowd.

Church can be a struggle at times because we feel a loss of our personal identity among the group of Saints. We feel that we conform to the lifestyle of the Church's commandments. We no longer stand out. Some want to do anything to bust out of the traditional mold. So some may show individuality (or rebel) in small ways. Others feel that they don't fit the traditional mold for various reasons. And so they feel alone and isolated. Both groups have lost the balance of inclusion and uniqueness. We can try to find the balance by looking toward Jesus Christ to meet our needs.

Satan manipulates our desire to fit into any group with feelings of self-consciousness. We won't meet our potential because we are worried about what our peers or enemies may think of us. My second son was missing a button on his shirt so that he was extremely self-conscious during church. He tucked his head down, as if anyone could tell that a button was missing. It really wasn't that noticeable. My husband took him home for the second half of church. But he missed time being with friends because of his self-consciousness.

Self-consciousness has stopped me in my life from speaking or doing things. I am afraid of being judged as a mother especially. I try to remember that it only matters what my Heavenly Parents and Jesus Christ think of me. Only they have pure motives concerning my growth. So I can rely on the Spirit to guide me in my actions.