 |
| selfie |
I didn't "come out" as bisexual until Summer 2021
partially because I didn't have a term
for my sexuality until a few years ago. Even when I did mention my sexual
orientation almost two years ago, I only mentioned it briefly in a blog post.
Later, I mentioned it in the context of tribalism on my personal Facebook page.
No one said anything about my subtle "coming out". In a way, this
comforted me because my friends and family viewed me as the same person.
When I Knew
In January 2000, I first felt same-sex attraction at sixteen
years old during a school practice. This shocked me because I had an almost
constant attraction to males, so it just didn't make sense. I knew Ellen
Degeneres was a lesbian. My distant relative was gay. And Leonardo DiCaprio was
bisexual--whatever that was. Despite DiCaprio, 90s media mainly portrayed the
binary of straight or gay/lesbian, so I didn't understand where I
"fit" in. I feared I might be a lesbian, but that didn't fit my
experience of only fleeting attraction to females.
After this, I trusted my body's signals less. My libido
already exceeded the normal level of my peers due to bipolar 2 symptoms (still
undiagnosed). And already dealing with the shame associated with preteen
compulsive self-stimulation, I only felt more shame and confusion. Generally, I
feared my own sexuality. I only dared to share about self-stimulation--and not
same-sex attraction.
Trusted adults reassured me self-stimulation was a natural
inclination, and they encouraged me to forgive myself. Instead, I absorbed the
shame my peers communicated subconsciously. So this definitely meant not
admitting to same-sex attraction to anyone, especially in light of a few peers'
degrading remarks
on homosexuality.
College
While at college, I had a resurgence of same-sex attraction
when I felt depressed during my second semester at BYU. Ironically, my
attraction to males decreased significantly. I didn't share my feelings with
anyone, but I think some people may have understood. For example, my sister had
the impression that one of my struggles was same-sex attraction. She shared her
impression later on and I confirmed it.
One college friend expressed that women can feel attracted
to each other because they share their feelings openly. And she expressed that
some teenagers die by suicide because they freak out when they feel same-sex
attraction. Her words helped me cope with my own feelings, whether she knew it
or not. Then I understood that it's okay to feel same-sex attraction and it
isn't worth ending a life over it.
Also, a counselor at BYU talked
about thoughts being like leaves in the wind. This simile aided my
understanding that my thoughts of self-stimulation and same-sex attraction were
fleeting ideas. They would disappear. This helped me cope with my feelings
within my moral framework. (I know others have different experiences where
same-sex attraction remains a constant.)
Before my proselyting mission, I wrote an essay entitled
"The Genetics of Homosexuality." I tried to understand why some feel
same-sex attraction. Subconsciously, I was trying to understand myself.
Why I Waited to "Come Out"
in My 30s
In 2020, I started a post that I never published. I wrote:
"I don't want to be called brave, gross, or sinful for
sharing. ... I don't want my story as part of an agenda. I don't want to be the
bisexual woman who followed the commandments, so why can't you? I don't want to
be the bisexual woman who is told to ignore my [beliefs] because others
perceive it as anti-gay. I don't want straight women to feel uncomfortable
around me.
I want to be me."
On Twitter, I follow or check out others' tweets about
religious LGB individuals. There I see some on both sides mock, besmirch,
cancel, and dox each other. I wonder at such hate and pettiness. And this is
partly why I hesitated to share my experience beyond family and close friends.
But I decided that my perspective and experience add to the variety of LGB
experiences. My perspective may help other LGB individuals understand
themselves.
My Marriage
I shared my same-sex attraction with my husband a few years
ago. (I didn't understand myself well enough to tell him before then.) He
accepted it as a part of my sexuality. We had already discussed that though we
are married, we still feel attracted to other people. I am just attracted to a
wider variety of people than my husband. We have worked for years to foster
honesty and trust with each other about various sexual feelings. It hasn't been
easy, but we know we want to be together.
Being married, I recognized that part of me is a sexual
being. Sexual feelings are healthy when channeled in a positive direction.
Thus, I learned my libido helps me express affection to my husband. And it
helps propagate the species in families. When I feel same-sex attraction, I
believe that sexual desire stems from a desire for a deeper connection. I first
made this connection when pondering Jillian
Michaels' first marriage with Heidi Rhoades.
My understanding that my sexual orientation didn't define me
deepened over the years. My true identity is that I am human and a child of
God. My sexual orientation is a secondary characteristic, along with others
like my creativity. I have intrinsic worth for being alive. And so too does
every person with same-sex, opposite-sex, or asexual orientations.
I learned self-acceptance largely through the example of a
friend who I met through volunteer English teaching 18 years ago. While reading
his blog
and essays over the years, his words helped me put my bisexual feelings into
perspective along with my spiritual beliefs. Soon I shaped new beliefs.
Talking with My Son
When I was 15, I overheard my mom talking with a relative
and mentioning a sexual term. I felt very uncomfortable asking my parents or
others about this, though my mom would have answered my question. Instead, I
turned to the dictionary (the internet was still new). Still, I had only a
vague idea of what the term meant. Though I am glad I sought a factually
accurate source. Because of my reticence as a teenager, I hoped to develop that
trust with my son so he will come to my husband or me first.
My husband and I have tried to help my oldest son feel
comfortable talking to us about sexuality. One time he ran to his room so that
one attempt didn't work well. I'm learning that it needs to come up naturally
in conversation. While driving him home from school, I casually mentioned that maybe
boys may date boys. He seemed to think I was a chill mom for that comment.
Mostly, I want him to feel comfortable sharing his orientation with my husband
and me. In another conversation with my son, my husband, and me, we discussed
different orientations. We had a fruitful discussion where my husband and I
reiterated: "Please come to us for your questions first". We hope to
provide accurate information without him sorting through explicit or inaccurate
internet sources.
My Political Take
Over my lifetime, the acceptance of the LGB community has
increased, and they feel safer opening up about their experiences. Conversion
therapy techniques once caused more harm than good. However, the pendulum has
swung too far so that schools refuse
to tell parents about a child's orientation. Many religions have softened their
stance toward LGB individuals.
After Obergefell
v. Hodges, same-sex marriage became legal in the US. Some accepted this as the
new law of the land, while others still balked at it. Personally, same-sex
marriage seemed an inevitable outcome, even if I questioned its morality.
Instead, my husband and I discussed that marriage should be a religious
ceremony and no longer the government's role. Before legalization, many
insurance companies wouldn't include a same-sex partner on the other partner's
plan. This type of situation definitely needed nondiscrimination legislation in
the US before legalization.
Sadly, for many years (and still today) religious people, traditional marriage allies, LGB allies, and the LGB community fought instead of seeking compromises and peaceful resolutions. Both sides sometimes show signs of intolerance, being easily offended, and bigotry. We can love each other, seek understanding, hold boundaries, and agreeably disagree. This takes practicing humility on an individual level. Recognize you can only choose how you act and react.
If you want more of my take on LGB issues, consider tipping, subscribing, pledging, or following me on Facebook or Twitter @oeileend_oed.
