My Advice for Pregnancy, Postpartum & Bipolar

"Pregnancy and Newborn" by Petr Kratochvil

I read this article this morning about having bipolar and pregnancy. She had bipolar 1, which is more complicated than bipolar 2 with symptoms and medicines. It was nice to see other women with bipolar manage pregnancy, birth and postpartum. It's quite a task that requires a lot of adjustments. I know of one woman who went off all meds to have a child, but I wouldn't recommend that!

Jennifer Marshall included three tips in her article: have a plan when bringing home the baby, consider not breastfeeding, and weigh the benefits of medication versus other medications. I'm including some of her advice with my own advice for handling mental illness during and after pregnancy.

Regular Psychiatrist Visits and Medication Management

I changed meds over the course of four months preparing to have my first child. I struggled during that whole time with hypomania and self-harm, but I knew I wouldn't have access to a psychiatrist after that four month period due to lack of insurance and funds. After two months of pregnancy, I was able to go on Medicaid and see a doctor! I dropped an antidepressant after the first two months of pregnancy, but without the recommendation of a doctor. Luckily, my doctor added a new antidepressant later, which made a huge difference.

Lesson: Have a psychiatrist monitoring meds before, during, and after pregnancy. Don't change meds too quickly or go off without monitoring.

Safe Medication During Pregnancy

I switched medication so I could have children from class D to class C and B medication, but this doesn't work for everyone. Pregnant women should work very closely with a psychiatrist and obstetrician to monitor the mother's mental health and baby's risks. I took a medication without a lot of research on it during pregnancy and third baby probably had mild effects from it. I think it might have slowed his metabolism after being born, but I don't know. My doctor encouraged me to report the effect of the medication to a research, but I didn't. I wish I had now to add to the medical literature.

In the last trimester of my first pregnancy, I went off my mood stabilizer so I could breastfeed. A few days after delivering my son, I had a day of thoughts of self-harm and harm to my firstborn. But that was the only day of those feelings! After eight weeks, I chose to resume my mood stabilizer medicine when I could feel a slight depression coming on.

Lesson:  It is worth being sane even if a medication may be riskier during pregnancy. Be willing to forego breastfeeding for sanity. A sane mother is better than a harmful, depressed, or psychotic mother!

Regular Counseling Before, During and After Pregnancy

I made the mistake of not going to a counselor for two months before my first child, which led to serious self-harm (and changing meds too quickly). Luckily, I had a neighbor who listened to the Spirit and came to talk to me at a critical moment. Even though I had no insurance, I should have sought counseling when I first felt myself slipping. After that, I did seek counseling through my church's social services. From then on, I was more stable during my pregnancy and after. 

I stuck with counseling through my second pregnancy too, but I made the mistake of not going after the eight-week mark. I had moved and was no longer insured. We were on Medicaid a month later, but I still didn't see a counselor because we were only there for my husband's short internship. I didn't seek out a counselor for another two years and while trying to get pregnant a third time, which led to a worse breakdown. Since then, I have been regularly going to a counselor through my third pregnancy and the years after.

Lesson: Counseling is too important to skimp on while you are trying to get pregnant. Hormones and feelings fluctuate too much during this trial period. I chose counseling during each pregnancy, which I'm thankful for. The postpartum period lasts longer than I thought. I needed it for a period of at least a year or more after each child.

Self-care

I cannot emphasize self-care more for the periods before, during and after pregnancy. I ate more than I should have and gained weight, causing greater depression. I also stayed up too late at nights in an attempt to have "me" time. It has backfired into tired days and weight gain. Take care of yourself spiritually, mentally, and physically. I am a much happier mom when I take care of myself first and then my kids.

Hopefully this helps other women with mental illness who are having children. It's a delicate process and you need all the support you can get. Remember to create a support network of family and friends. We are an interdependent species.

Do you have more advice?

Authors Are Killers

"Bunhill Fields, London" by Paul Wilkinson

Author Sarah M. Eden tweeted on 5/27/15:

My 12yo: “What’s that face?” Me: “I’m trying to decide if someone needs to die.” 12yo: “If you weren’t a writer, that would be disturbing."

As an author, I often decide the fate of my characters. I realize that I have killed characters in my works in progress. Why should authors play God? Of course, we claim that our characters actually drive the action of the novel. However, we ultimately decide what to write. As an avid reader, I've noticed certain patterns of authors as killers. Warning: may contain spoiler alerts.

Widow(er)makers

During college, I read a lot of Anita Stansfield, an LDS romance writer. She had a pattern of a horrible first husband who had to die for real romance to happen. In the novel First Love and Forever, the woman falls in love with a man outside of the LDS faith, but she knows she shouldn't marry him. So she marries an LDS guy who turns out to be financially secretive. So what has to happen to him? A convenient car accident kills the first husband and the protagonist female can pursue her first love who has converted to the LDS faith. Similarly in Christmas Melody, the first husband was addicted to pornography and committed suicide. Cue, perfect second husband.

Another LDS romance writer, Rachel Ann Nunes kills spouses on occasion. In her Ariana series, one of Ariana's sons dies and a daughter-in-law dies. The remaining daughter-in-law marries the still living son. At least this happens over a series of books and the first spouses were good.

In Return to Me, the first wife dies, but enables the second wife to live. And the list goes on with other spouse killer plots. These deaths were at least necessary to the plot.

All of these romance plots influenced me early on in my marriage. Sadly, I told my husband that if he died then I would remarry soon after. Now, I want him to live as long as I do. He wants me to live too. Besides, we don't want to go through the dating process again.

Orphan Makers

"Seriously, you have to get rid of the parents because no good mother or father will allow their child to take a perilous journey or quest to save the world or whatever." -Julie Wright

Children's books often have incompetent or dead parents so the child can be the hero. One of the most famous of our time is Harry Potter. Dickens knew this well too. YA author Julie Wright explains this phenomenon well in this blog post. 

As a side note, another class of orphans includes children left with stepparents. For example, children without their biological mother or father are at risk in fairy tales: Cinderella, Snow White, Hansel and Gretel and so on. What is it with wicked stepmothers? Were they that awful during the Dark Ages that it survives in so many of our fairy tales?

Tragedy for Tragedy's Sake

Some authors kill off characters just for the shock value or to elicit some emotional response. It's somehow literary and thought-provoking. In my opinion, it often ruins the story and the reader is ticked off. Who hated the ending to City of Angels? There's no point to Meg Ryan's death. I know they wanted to emphasize the fragility of life, but her death ruined the entire show for me.

Shakespeare killed off so many characters in his tragedies that it is seriously a farce after so many times. In fact, we cheer for Hamlet's death in the end. I did anyway. And why did Romeo and Juliet have to kill themselves? Check for a pulse and breathing, for crying out loud! Truly, I hate Romeo and Juliet simply because they are too young. As adults they would have the brains to run away or resign themselves to loving someone else.

When Can an Author Kill A Character Reasonably?

I'm okay with some characters dying in books. Wicked villains deserve to die, rot in jail, or repent in jail. Some plots are more poignant with the death of a character, but it has to be done for the right reason (or because it's based on true events). It has to be foreshadowed and a significant part of the story--not an afterthought or this would be "literary." Tale of Two Cities, is a good example of how to kill a protagonist right. Dickens foreshadows Sidney's death similar to Jesus' death. Sidney sacrificed himself so someone else could live. It's a bittersweet ending that carries hope. The movie Return to Me is another great example.

So if an author kills a character, there better be a very good reason why.

So what deaths in books and movies did you agree with or not agree with?

8 Ways to Handle Frustration and Anger as a Parent

"Annoyed Woman" by Petr Kratochvil

My kids demand things on a daily basis. Sometimes, they'll harp on the same thing for hours or go cry. My frustration rises and I feel anger. Oh, we've all had these times when children drive us crazy. We may yell, threaten, or do any number of things. Our thoughts may turn to revenge or we choose to ignore our children. What can we do during these moments?

Remember We Are Children of God

We are all spirit children of Heavenly Father no matter what age we may be. That means we are spiritual brothers and sisters with our children. Jesus said, "Suffer the little children to come to me." Try to view them as through God's eyes. We may need to pray for this reminder. I repeat, they are not little devils!

Self-care

We need to take care of ourselves spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally. So remember to pray regularly, read scriptures, or do whatever calms your spirit. We can feel the peace of the Spirit despite the chaos around us. Pray for help, knowing you need help beyond your own. God's grace will fill the gap when we keep trying (see 2 Nephi 25:23).

Your physical body needs good food, enough rest and exercise to function properly. For our mental and emotional health, we need to take breaks from our children when we have the opportunity. We need time to recharge.

The Average Child

When I shared a moment of temper about my child at a Recovery International meeting, another group member mentioned that my child was being "average" for his age. Children usually act their age, whether it be the terrible twos or troublesome teens. Each age has its challenges and rewards. I remind myself that my toddler will grow out of the climbing phase and preteen will stop saying "worst family ever!" when he turns 20.

Humor Is Our Best Friend

Some annoying things children do can be funny too. You might as well laugh with your child or laugh at yourself. Humor reduces our temper and helps us cope. My kids may not laugh with me, but I still laugh for my own mental health. One time, my husband and I walked into a room with walls covered in fecal matter. The then one-year-old had taken off his diaper. After freaking out, my husband said we had a scratch-and-sniff wall.

Avoid Temperamental Language

When we choose to call our children little devils, brats, or any other derogatory term, the term automatically triggers temper or stress. We can avoid these terms in our thoughts and when we speak about or with our children. I remind myself that my children are angels in devils' clothing.

Let It Go and Simply Survive the Day

Some things don't matter in the long run. I feel upset when my boys won't clean their room and whine about getting on the computer. Some days I am really tired or stressed when I try to enforce this. My temper rises and I yell. I feel guilty over an action or thought, but it can't define me. Over time, I realize it's better to let them play on the computer and have a messy room instead of a mom ready to bite their heads off. I only have to function until I can take a nap or Dad comes home.

Call in the Cavalry!

Sometimes we are at the end of our rope. It's time to call for help. Keep a list of people who may help you in a pinch. They are like gold. By the way, some cities have crisis daycares for emergencies. 

Maybe you just need to talk the situation through with someone, even if you can't leave your children. I call my mom to help me cope through a tough spot. It's okay to go to a local group therapy like Recovery International or see a therapist. If parenting has you on edge or depressed constantly, see if you need medical help.

You Made It Through Another Day

I congratulate myself for making it to the end of the day with my hair still on my head. I only feel like this once or twice a week. Endorsing yourself for small successes will lead to bigger successes. Life is simply taking one step at a time.

Good luck to all you parents out there! May you have a solid few hours of sleep.

So what do you do to handle frustration as a parent?

Weight Loss Struggle

"Scale" by Megan Shannon

Probably about once a week I feel discouraged because of the lack of weight loss. I do well some of the time and then stumble. I look around and see I'm not alone in the struggle. Others are overweight or underweight; some using food as a loss of control mechanism. I've met some women who want to gain weight and can't. If only we could trade fat from body to body. Even those who maintain a healthy weight struggle.

Weight gain is common when taking medicine for mental illnesses and other illnesses. I gained probably about forty pounds from the different medicines I've taken over the years. Birth control adds to the weight gain too. Then it's more difficult after having children. The odds are often stacked against people.

We also think it's a simple calories in and calories burned. That's not always the case because there are many factors involving weight issues. Many bodies are different and a healthy diet can be different from person to person. Medical issues also contribute: thyroid conditions, depression, imbalance of chemicals in the body, etc.

Recently, I gained seven pounds within six weeks. My psychiatrist said it was probably from lack of sleep. I stay up too late at night and don't recover. I also eat more during this time. I went to bed earlier for a couple weeks and went down five pounds. Sleep makes a difference!

Food issues usually stem from emotional and control issues. It begins a vicious pleasure/guilt cycle turning into compulsive eating, or lack of eating. The key is to break that cycle. "I made a mistake and move on." Got to work on this.

Exercise makes a big difference too in how I feel. I know it helps me sleep better and increase my metabolism. However, when I don't get enough sleep, I don't feel like exercising. Ah, the vicious cycles :). When exercising, don't forget muscle toning. That increases metabolism too.

If only we didn't need food, but we do. So we struggle with weight issues on both ends of the spectrum. Now it's time for a nap.

Old People's Tricks

"Me and My Grandpa Walking" by Sarah Finucane

My grandpa lied about his age when he joined the army during WW2. He served in the European theater, and some of that time serving for an Italian POW camp. I knew he served in Italy and I assumed he was part of Operation Torch, which I researched for a US history report. I later discovered he was not. In January 2021, my aunt and uncle showed my parents and me documents about his service. I learned he was a supply clerk or prison guard.

In later years, my grandpa experienced several major heart attacks, strokes, and surgery. But he kept hanging in there for about eight years. It seemed he couldn't die. My grandpa reminded me of a tree in my front yard that shriveled on the outside, but the roots never died. I expressed in prose poetry my feelings:

The doctors say you only have a short time to live.
Your relatives have you marked down as the next funeral to attend.
Your family decides the flowers for your funeral and an “affordable” casket,
But you feel you should do your old body a favor and have one with cushions.

Your grandchildren have their eye on what ancient artifact they want.

Though Little Jimmy can’t decide among your wisdom teeth or gall bladder stones.
You make out your will with a couple witnesses at your side.
You talk of death as the next step,
But you know deep down this is all a lie:

I can see it from your mischievous grin and the scoff in your eyes.
I once saw that look in a child superhero’s face in a photo album.
Now a more wrinkled face, that child still likes to play tricks and pull practical jokes.
You put us in suspense with your heart attacks and strokes,
But you keep hanging on by a single thread.
You live in a feeble shell, but your mind is as quick as lightning.
I know a tree just like you; each year the old branches die,
But the hardy roots always shoot forth new life.
I know this is just another joke, so Grandpa, tell the truth.
You know you’ll never die. You’re immortal, always catching a second wind.
And I’ve decided I wanna be just like you when I grow old: a kid again.

His body never gained a second wind at the end of 2003. I couldn't go to his funeral because of classes, cost, and the long distance, but I saw him only a few months before. Now he watches out for my cousins on my mom's side.

I Got a Creepy Message

"Face of the Man" by George Hodan

So, I'm careful about who I accept as a Facebook friend, but I wasn't too concerned about Google +. I added a person to my circle because I'm building my audience on my social media platforms (except Facebook). Well, this man sent me an interesting message. It screamed stalker creepy to me. The man may not be a stalker, but it still matches what a predator might send. I'm especially aware of this after reading Anna Salter's book on predators.

Hello dear, how are you today? I got attracted to your picture and wish to be your friend, however thanks for accepting my request and I promised you won't regret meeting me, I must confess you are looking beautiful, as you can see my name is [John Doe]; [50+] years old from [city, country] but I am currently in [state, country], professional in [profession], on photo with my only son, unfortunately my wife passed away two years ago, though I'm not here for relationship but coming across to your beautiful picture has giving me a good reason to love again and I will appreciate if you can give me a chance. I believe age different and distance can never be a barrier in relationship as the most important is love and understanding to see what fate has in stock for us, kindly reply through your contact email to my private email address [email]. I can’t wait to know more about you as well as telling you more about myself. Note that stable communicating is the only key to every successful friendship. I’m sure you would find me interesting if you give me a chance. Looking forward to hear from you. Take care and stay bless, truly. [John Doe]

Okay, let me break down the scary aspects of this message:

1. He has taken a singular focus on me like I'm his next target.

2. Trying to engender trust with "You won't regret meeting me" and "Note that stable communicating is the only key to every successful friendship." You have to build trust over time and not with flattery.

3. FLATTERY saying "confess you are looking beautiful." His NICENESS does not equal TRUSTWORTHINESS. Ted Bundy was nice.

4. My profile states I'm married, so that should be a signal to not communicate.

5. Unsolicited, and has nothing to do with what I post on my Google+ account. He should go to a dating website if he's really interested in a relationship.

6. Plays the sympathy card: widower with child. Guess who else played the sympathy card? Ted Bundy.

7. Age gap of 25+ years. Age gaps can indicate a predator. Think of teachers who target their students. Even a 90-year-old can still rape somebody!

8. CHARMING. Predators charm people with their likability. For some reason, we think likability means trustworthy.

9. I don't know him; he may be a 14-year-old or a 80-year-old woman.

10. After my cousin read this, she pointed out that it's probably a phishing scam. The bad grammar may indicate that.

Of course, I blocked this guy. I also learned my lesson not to add anyone to my Google+ account who I don't know. I just figured he wanted to follow my writing. Next time, I'll be more careful.

Every Six Months, LDS General Conference Rolls Around

"Mormon Tabernacle Choir and Orchestra at Temple Square"
 by kennejima

General Conference is held in downtown Salt Lake City, Utah on the first weekends in April and October. Leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints preach from the pulpit for five two-hour sessions. We learn about Jesus Christ, family, and many other topics.

Reasons I Don't Go to the Physical Conference

As a rule, I don't attend the actual General Conferences even though I have lived in Utah about 25 out of my almost 32 years. I have been on the outside of Conference sessions many times because I was too young, babysitting, or hanging around. I've never had an insatiable desire to attend a meeting because I can enjoy listening on the couch or running errands. If I wanted to go, I'd have to find tickets. Too much of a bother. Besides, I'm usually napping during the afternoon sessions because of the brain dump (never staying up too late).

Why'd They Change Daylights Savings Time to March and November?

I miss that the time change is no longer on these leisurely weekends. Of course, I'd ban the time change on the principle of man messing with the sun and circadian rhythms. Politicians are crazy passing daylight savings time every year.

Announcements and Answers

I look forward to new announcements, but that rarely happens. I was excited when President Gordon B. Hinckley announced the Monticello, Utah temple, the first mini temple. I lived only 21 miles away as a teenager and young adult. I was married in this temple. Other temple announcements are fun to hear too. Sometimes, I hear answers to prayers or receive comfort.

Now I'll see what this next Conference holds...more or less the same.

I wrote more about General Conference for NewsCastic, "LDS General Conference Weekend: 7 Traditions and Annoying Aspects."

You can go to lds.org to listen this weekend.

What do you enjoy/dislike about General Conference?