I Already Regret My Vote, But I Would with Any Choice

Photo by Author

 First, Donald Trump and Joseph Biden are a reflection of what this country has become. Too many Americans resort to name-calling, shaming, and passive-aggression to make their points instead of logically arguing their points. We have fostered enmity instead of civility.

Second, our all-or-nothing voting system needs revamping. In the current system, we can only show support for one candidate instead of multiple candidates. Ranked-choice voting changes that dynamic where the voter can choose the level of support (first, second, third, etc.) he or she prefers. Votes are then tallied to show who has the most overall support, even if it may be many voters’ second choice. In this way, the candidate with the most overall support would win.

Third, the Democratic and Republican parties need to change their primary voting process. These two parties have dominated for so long without competition, they have become lazy in their approach to engage voters. If they truly cared for a better process, they would implement ranked-choice voting or just do one big primary without months of hullabaloo. Due to prolonged primaries many candidates who have less money drop out, even though they may be better choices.

Fourth, the media and presidential debate commission need to cover third-party candidates. Voters are not as aware of these possibly better candidates because the media largely ignores them. If news organizations want a fairer process, they ought to cover all candidates. And we the consumers should ask for it. Next, the debate commission needs to include third-party candidates no matter how “popular” they are. Then voters will be better able to compare all their options.

Finally, I have a more exhaustive list for improvements in this post.

My Voting History

In 2016, I voted for Evan McMullin because I felt he was a moral person. I considered the libertarian candidate but felt Evan McMullin would garner more votes in Utah. (Now Evan McMullin and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez are calling for lists of Trump backers in order to shame them.) Trump showed he engaged in “locker room” talk, had an adulterous past and antagonized many people. He also proposed immigration stances, which I disagree with. Hilary Clinton never entered my radar because with her came a rapist — Bill Clinton. There were other issues with Benghazi, her email server, and many of her political stances. I could go on longer.

Reflections on Trump’s Presidency

Four years later, Trump has shown more promise than I thought he would on his actions. He has helped the economy (besides the states’ manufactured COVID shutdown). Trump has chosen originalist judges instead of activist judges. He has been pro-life. I agree with several other actions he has taken, but he has been abrasive with his opposition many times a day. He lacks a filter from his brain to his mouth and Twitter fingers. I still disagree with his immigration stance (I also disagree with children in cages, which started under Obama’s administration). Trump pardoned Joe Arpaio who abused illegal immigrants. Next, I believe Trump shows a preference toward Christians more than other religions. I could go on longer.

Really? Both Candidates Are Disappointing

This 2020 Presidential election disheartened me again because the major candidates are both disappointing. I disagree with many of Joe Biden’s political positions except immigration. I believe he is kind, but Biden is sometimes a flatterer. In my experience, flatterers insult people in couched words that look nice but are more harmful because these veiled insults are harder to detect and counter. Also, Biden has violated females’ personal boundaries multiple times. Finally, Joe Biden makes many gaffes, but his gaffes have increased with age, which may show signs of senility. It leads me to believe others will manipulate his decisions.

In the Republican primary, I voted for Bill Weld. That was my chance to vote my conscience. Truthfully, I wished that Tulsi Gabbard had won the Democratic primary. I wonder if I should have voted in the Democratic primary instead. I value Gabbard’s more moderate positions, but mostly her willingness to listen to both sides. She is also willing to call out bad behavior on both parties.

If Tulsi Gabbard had been the Democratic nominee, I would have voted for her.

I researched Jo Jorgensen, the libertarian candidate, and her stances largely fit my political persuasions. I feel that the libertarian stance with immigration is kinder and in better order. I don’t know much about her personally since she is rarely in the news.

While staring at my ballot a week ago, I prayed about who I should vote for. I felt multiple candidates would be okay. In the end, I voted for Jo Jorgensen who best fits my political persuasions.

But I have debated that decision many times. Sometimes, I would rather vote Trump or Romney (as a write-in). I recognize that no matter who I voted for, I would have regretted it.

I half-wish I would have voted for Trump because I believe he defends the Constitution better than Biden will. Trump definitely tries to intimidate people into silence with his tweets and lawsuits. In that way, he has attacked free speech. Because citizens and judges largely recognize free speech as essential, free speech is better guarded than other natural rights, such as the right to bear arms. Biden plans to heavily regulate the right to bear arms, which personally endangers my family when I have a child molester still loose who tried to stalk my son his first-grade year.

Now it is just insane that the voting results are so close together in multiple states. Biden is the current president-elect, but if enough votes change as a result of Trump’s lawsuits, Trump may still be president for another four years. Personally, I hope the results change but doubt the election results will change.

Moving On

My life will continue with Biden as president. Some things will change for the better and for the worst. I am concerned about the worst possibilities, but there will be legislative and judicial checks and balances on those. I will adjust; Americans will adjust. I still feel America has great freedom and potential. I hope as citizens we work toward humility, goodness, and protecting liberty.

Struggling to Write

 My brain is either too tired or too wired to write

Via Public Domain Pictures

Since I was ten years old, I have been writing stories and dreamed of being published. Many novelists have the same dream from a young age, so I am one of many. It is about finishing a work, yet I struggle to finish.

Today I am tired after substituting a kindergarten class, taking my son to the clinic, and making dinner. I want to write fiction, but that doesn’t come as easily to me. I have trained myself to write a blog post over the last six years. It is harder to get back into writing fiction seriously.

I have been too tired for sixteen years since leaving on my Latter-day Saint mission. During the mission, I only wrote letters. After I came home early, I reordered my life to cope with my new diagnosis of bipolar 2. I worked two jobs until marriage. Then I worked more, attended college, fell asleep after work, and had children. I felt tired for 9 years. After my third son, I managed to have some energy to blog and ghostwrite two novellas. Then I felt too tired during my fourth pregnancy. About two years later, I felt I could blog again. In the meantime, I wrote several chapters in several books. I made minute progress and then I lost interest.

Having bipolar 2, my brain is also wired at times. I have many shiny new ideas for novels (and blog posts) that I never finish. I start some novels but struggle to go beyond a week or month. I become bored with the project. In high school and college, I managed to write “novels” of 20,000 words. They were rough drafts that became second drafts. I sent these to publishers with no bites. I understand why I had no bites now. They were not detailed enough. As my creative writing teacher at BYU stated, the novels lacked immediacy. I had mostly dialogue, but no details to ground the reader in the setting or action.

The novels I wrote needed reworking and the plots have changed over time. I have my list of plot ideas for the novellas I wrote in high school and college. Many ideas will fall by the wayside. That’s the nature of the beast.

Currently, I have ideas for a humanoid species who have different powers, such as mind-reading, object-reading, lip-reading, mind control, and empath powers. They are in a hierarchy of who rules over another species. This idea came from the BLM riots. History could be rewritten according to the prejudices and enslaving different “readers.” So far, I have written the creation stories of the mind-readers and lip-readers.

In order to finish many of my partial drafts, I need to reacquaint myself with the characters, settings, and plots. That can take several days or weeks that I just don’t want to “waste” during the hour or so I have time each day. I also find that I want to write about issues currently troubling me. I need to itch that scratch, per se.

What I can finish easily are poems. When my mind catches onto an idea, I can usually write a poem within days. Albeit, they may be excellent poems or mediocre poems. I may rework them later. I know others who struggle writing poetry yet can write fiction quickly. I have that momentary excitement and hyperfocus that can channel writing poetry. Not so much with novels.

Editing is another aspect of my writing. I can catch some errors quickly, while others are not so obvious. Some words I misspell almost every time: piece, niece, opportunity, and so on. Yet I can spell most words with great ease. Grammarly has been very helpful with the self-editing process.

I wondered if I still had my editing prowess since I haven’t been a tutor for 17 years. Recently, a relative and friend asked me to proofread their writing. My skills came back. I recognized error patterns that I could point out and revising for a specific audience. My friend said I retained her writing style, which makes me very pleased. That is the goal of editing: to retain the writer’s style through editorial changes.

Now here I am writing another blog post about writing instead of writing fiction. I can manage some blog posts within 2–4 hours, which is why I usually devote my time to blog posts.

One day I will write fiction with ease again. When my children are older. When my youngest leaves the house. When I finish vacationing during retirement. Okay, maybe that time will never come unless I change my habits.

C’est la vie.

My Thoughts on 2020 Latter-day Saint General Conference

I crocheted part of this during April Conference

For the last two days, I have watched around eight hours of my religion’s semiannual broadcast of church leaders. Being a lifelong member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have listened to hundreds of hours of religious talks. At age ten, I started crocheting during conferences on the first weekends of April and October. I still crochet to keep my hands busy. I occasionally write notes.

Weekly church meetings changed in mid-March to home worship. In June, our congregation met in small groups every third Sunday. I had been wearing street clothes for home worship for so long, I hesitated to wear a dress. I used to love wearing dresses, but I dislike them now chasing after children. So, the first Sunday back at regular church, I wore a nice shirt and pants. The next time we met, I reluctantly wore a dress.

This weekend I wore pajamas and street clothes watching General Conference, but it still tested my resolve because my typical home worship only lasts 15–30 minutes on Sundays.

While watching, I noted how many of the apostles have aged. Apostle David A. Bednar had brown hair when he became an apostle sixteen years ago (right before my mission). Now he has gray hair. Several of the apostles from my youth look very different today. For example, Matthew Holland, son of Apostle Jeffrey R. Holland, appeared much like the younger version of his father from the 90s. Wow! I am old and they are old too. Mostly, wiser.

Saturday Morning Session

President Russell M. Nelson opened General Conference sharing what blessings we have had through the pandemic despite the challenges. Families feel closer as they worship together. Missionaries are teaching more lessons, many online. Latter-day Saints have participated in many pandemic-related service projects, such as making masks. President Nelson stated that Heavenly Father is aware of us during this time. Many of my Priesthood blessings of late have that same phrase in them.

Elder David A. Bednar related his scripture study of the idea of tests. The word test is nowhere in the Bible, Book of Mormon, or Doctrine and Covenants (LDS scripture), but the words prove, try, and examine dot the pages. This life is our test to prove ourselves. Jesus grew incrementally in wisdom and spirituality. We can take his example of growing line upon line and grace to grace.

This talk reminds me of my college assignment to study Doctrine and Covenants 121:7 where Joseph Smith cries to God to release him from Liberty Jail. It states:

“… if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.”

I researched the etymology of experience and good for my assignment. I discovered experience is related to try. Thus when we are tried, we gain experience. The root for good may be related to Sanskrit gadhya, which means to seize (booty). So, when we are tried do we seize the good?

Young Women First Counselor Michelle D. Craig discussed how we desire to be seen deeply. Vice versa, we need to see others deeply. Sister Craig shared dhow she felt prompted to stop looking at her phone when she stood in lines. While in one line, she asked an older man about his cat because he had cat food in his cart. The man shared that it was his birthday. Sister Craig wished him a happy birthday. She likened this situation to the Good Samaritan parable. Being on a phone in line is similar to the priest and others passing the injured man.

Apostle Quentin L. Cook noted how the Church is around the 200-year mark, similar to when the Nephites and Lamanites in the Book of Mormon began dividing themselves about 200 years after Jesus visited them in the Americas. We are at a pivotal moment today to stay unified in purpose. Diversity strengthens our unity. Our different cultures, races, ethnicities, etc. contribute to each other’s knowledge. He noted some of the poor past actions within the Church toward Blacks and other minorities.

Manic Monday Musings

by Author's husband

Sunday nights and Mondays are just rough times. I used to have sleepless Sunday nights from my preteens to early twenties. Sunday nights are better now that I am not in school fulltime. I also take a sleeping pill. That probably makes a difference.

Homework Woes

My boys sometimes have rough Mondays or rough weeks. My teenager with anxiety struggles the most. He shuts down mentally and emotionally when he feels overwhelmed. Currently, school and homework present the largest challenges. He is failing in many of his classes because he has missed a lot of school days and he prefers to finish only his favorite classes first. He stated that he had finished homework each day. We discovered he had not finished all of his homework when staying at home. I kept him home for several days because he was sick. Other days, he had a case of nerves with stomachaches and headaches. My son’s anxiety can cause him to vomit. So it’s confusing to know when he is really sick.

My son is a video game addict. He obsesses about one game and moves onto another. His favorite games are on the PC. Sometimes he switches to multiple games within a day as a result of his limited attention span. Gaming probably contributes to that hyperactivity.

Today he stayed home with a headache, stomachache, and leg pain. I believe his leg pain is growing pain. He shoots up like a weed before his muscles and fat can catch up. His lanky body concerns me that he isn’t eating enough.

My son completed several of his computer class assignments without my assistance, but I helped him with English homework. I sat next to him so he stayed on task. I encouraged him to finish. I felt like I had to hold his hand through the entire process. We completed four or five assignments together over four-and-a-half hours.

Today he has had several meltdowns. He is worried he will fail all his classes and not be able to finish his homework. I suggested a father’s blessing and he said yes. My husband performed a blessing of comfort for him. I hope it helps my firstborn.

Monday has been hectic because my third son is at home too. I helped him with his homework for one-and-a-half hours. I really do have to “hold his hand” through homework since he has a specific learning disability.

Hanging Curtains

We have been hanging curtains in our basement over the weekend and today. We have twelve windows down there. It is nice to have so much light, but also a pain to hang curtains so we have some privacy. The TV Room has four five-foot by five-foot windows. All that light glares on the TV. We hung blackout curtains so we can watch movies during the day.

The curtains in my second son’s room were too sheer, so I had to buy more curtains to replace those. I needed to exchange another set of curtains because they didn’t have grommets like I thought they did. We only buy curtains with grommets so we can slide open the curtains. My husband and I switched around curtains this evening. Now no one can see my second son in his bedroom. Privacy is nice.

Counseling Appointment

I visited with my counselor tonight. We discussed ways to help my son complete his homework. She suggested making gaming his reward instead of him just expecting it every day. This has been a challenge and a blessing that all his homework is online. He can easily do it at home, but he is often tempted and distracted by games. I have to monitor his homework time. Sometimes I am just too busy or tired.

I expect some flak for changing his computer access because he has had issues since being a toddler. We have off times and on times of limiting his access. It was especially difficult last spring when school was online, he couldn’t visit friends, and the playgrounds were closed.

Smoke-filled Sinuses

Over the last four or five days, my sinuses have hurt due to the smoke particles collecting in them. Thank you wildfires. I irrigate my sinuses every day, take ibuprofen, and an expectorant/decongestant. That has helped to a degree. Finally today, my sinuses have cleared some. I am waiting for them to clear more. Unfortunately, post-nasal drip irritates my throat. My throat hurt terribly yesterday. I drank warm honey and lemon water to soothe my throat, which helped significantly. With all the congestion, I am coughing too. With COVID-19 in the air, I am concerned people will think I have it. But I don’t.

Saturday night, my husband gave me a blessing of healing. Heavenly Father promised to reduce the pain as I do my part to clear my sinuses. I hope this is true. I have had some epiphanies like drinking lemon juice and honey to ease my throat pain.

End of the Day

I am writing this entry to process my day. In a way, it is my journal since I have neglected regular journal writing. I used to write every day as a preteen and teenager. I wrote the most boring details, but I recognize now that the mundane moments shape us the most.

I plan to read some, play a mobile game, listen to music, and fall asleep.

Just relax. Just breathe.

How was your Monday?

My Gratitude and Ingratitude for COVID-19

Via Public Domain Photos

Among Latter-day Saints, some share this idea that trials are a blessing. A group of women I associate with repurposed this idea: the growth from trials is a blessing. In this paradigm, I share what positives I see with our growth during the worldwide trial.

1. We realize how meaningful physical affection and gathering together is. Thus, we look forward to when we have greater opportunities to gather.
2. We appreciate technology more. Technology has kept many working, connected, and learning.
3. Businesses and organizations recognize that more jobs can be done from home. Work from home options create greater flexibility for childcare and home locations. We have less pollution thanks to working from home.
4. We appreciate the efficiency of gathering at the workplace.
5. Many united in a worldwide fast to alleviate the effects of COVID-19.
6. We connect virtually more with those who live far away. For example, my siblings, parents, and I have weekly Zoom gatherings. My husband’s family does too.
7. We have serious discussions about the meaning of liberty.
8. We appreciate simplicity more.
9. Schooling has become more flexible with online options.
10. We recognize the need to be healthy.
11. We now express our creativity with masks.

Naturally, there have been negatives with COVID-19. Here are some negatives I have observed:

1. Bats. I hate bats who spread their cold to humans. Bats need to practice social distancing and wear masks.
2. Sadly, many have suffered ill effects or death because of this disease.
3. Many have succumbed to fear during this time. Some have forgotten to hope.
4. Domestic violence has increased.
5. Murders have increased.
6. Anxiety and depression have increased. This has led to an increase in suicides and suicidality.
7. Many lost their jobs during extended quarantines or lockdowns.
8. Some politicians have leveraged the situation to infringe on their citizens’ rights beyond temporary emergency powers. Also, some preventive measures have been unequally applied.
9. Some have engaged in blaming, shaming, namecalling, and passive-aggression. We can discuss without ad hominem attacks.
10. Where incivility in our arguments occurs, enmity sometimes festers.

Instead of letting these negatives bring us down, we can seek growth from them. First, we can recognize the values of physical life and quality of life. Second, we can learn to be kinder and more patient during disagreements. And finally, we can address joblessness and mental health challenges. Overall, we can increase our resilience during this worldwide pandemic.

How has the worldwide pandemic helped you grow? What negatives do you see that we can overcome?

My Mourning Prayer on 9/11

Via Public Domain Photos

I remember my paternal grandmother on her birthday, 9/11, each year. She died six years before the 9/11 terrorist attack. My father thinks she would have been very upset knowing her birthday was on such a sad day. This year she would have turned 115. My maternal grandmother passed away last week at 90 years old. She witnessed almost a century of history — 89 elevenths of September. I remember 19 elevenths of September since 2001.

In August 2001, I started my freshman year at the junior college in my hometown. I lived at home and my parents drove me to campus. I stayed for classes and walked home afterward. About three weeks into my freshman year, the world changed.

Around 7:30 am MDT, my mom drove me to school in a red Ford Taurus when we heard the news on the radio of an attack. Something had happened, but I didn’t catch all of it. I attended my freshman writing course and the professor mentioned nothing about the news. Two days later, he apologized for not addressing the terrorist attacks, explaining he hadn’t yet heard the news that morning.

At home, I watched the news for many hours as I digested the information of attacks on the Twin Towers, Pentagon, and Flight 93. The image of the planes crashing into the Twin Towers seared into my memory.

On September 13, 2001, I wrote this in my journal:

It has only been two days since 9/11. Someone is laughing at their cruel joke I suppose. That of course, was the day when idiots hijacked four planes. The World Trade Center collapsing. Pentagon. There will be many words said and written about this terrorist attack. And I will say a few of them. So many lives have been affected (besides the thousands that are dead). Now they say New Yorkers are [more] considerate. They changed. Did it have to take that much to change people? I hope it is a permanent one. Petty stuff doesn’t matter.

I worked on a poem after the terrorist attacks. It seemed the best way for me to sort out the chaos I felt. Hopefully, it helps others sort out their chaotic feelings too when they read it.

My Mourning Prayer on 9/11

I don’t recall my morning prayer.
Did I pray for world peace?
The terrorists were seated by then,
Maybe had control.
How was the world to know?
News flashed past my ears.
Later, I understood the enormity;
Then I mourned.
Such evil! Such travesty!

The walls came tumbling down…
In more than one way.
Petty differences set aside
Now in each other, we confide.
As I lay me down,
Oh God,
I pray
May this longer last
And not fade in the past.

After 9/11, I felt a change in our country. We became kinder and more patriotic. People donated blood to help those in New York City and the Washington DC area. We donated money (some got stuck in charitable bureaucracies). Some negative things happened too. We had to navigate our negative feelings about Islam and Middle Easterners. We gave up some of our freedoms in exchange for safety. And wars lasted beyond their objective.

For these 19 years, some have speculated how we could have stopped the 9/11 terrorist attacks. I witnessed one solution when I toured the Shanghai Art Museum with fellow volunteer teachers in 2004. We gasped when we saw 9/11 footage playing on a stairway wall. The planes flew toward the World Trade Center, but then the planes bounced off the Twin Towers. I read the description for the video: The artist portrayed his little girl’s idea of planes bouncing off buildings. That was her solution to stop 9/11.

So may we have planes and buildings that bounce off each other. And may we have the resilience and courage to bounce back from defeat.

My Moonbeam Spills on Your Face

As a teenager, I often gazed at the moon and stars through my bedroom window. God’s creations bore witness of his love for me. I contemplated how I could personify this message in poetry.

I wrote my first draft entitled “I spill a moonbeam” during my high school freshman or sophomore year. The words came as a song. Whenever I shared this poem, I sang it. I sang this poem to a friend during a sleepover. She complimented my singing voice, which I had never considered as beautiful, just off-key.

My first draft reads thus:

I spill a moonbeam
Across your face
While you do dream
Of a heavn’ly place.

I stream in sunshine
Through your window,
And yet you whine
Of my sun’s glow.

I whisper to you,
“I love you so!
I really do.”
Yet you don’t know.

I weep from above.
I groan within:
“Remember my love!
Let yourself grin.”

Again my moonbeam
Shines on your face
While you do dream
Of a heavn’ly place.

I showed this poem to another friend. She noted that the “do” felt repetitive. She wondered why people added “did” and “do” to poetry. I figured the “do” belonged in the first stanza because it kept the rhythm. I didn’t remove it.

A few years ago, I compiled a nature booklet that I hoped to sell on Amazon. I asked a retired English teacher from my hometown to look it over. She suggested removing the “do.” Here are her suggestions:

Screenshot by Author

I finally gave up the “do” for the next beta reader. Here are her suggestions:

Screenshot by Author

This revision still lacked the poignancy I wanted, so my mind percolated on how to improve the poem for the last few years. Last month, I finally wrote a revision late at night.

Here was my revision process:

Photo by Author

Photo by Author

Without further ado, here is the final revision of my poem:

My moonbeam shines on your face
While dreams vanish without trace

My sunbeam streams through your window
You toss, turn, and hide under a pillow

My breeze stirs your hair
While you kneel in prayer

My raindrops fall on your head
My tears, your fears soon shed

My moonbeam shines on your face
Day to day, you grow grace to grace