Lehi High Chemistry Teacher Let Fear Turn into Bullying Some Students

Learning from this teacher’s mistakes, how can we channel our fear into positive outcomes?

Via Public Domain Photos

Scrolling through Facebook, a post mentioned chemistry teacher Leah Kinyon’s berating students on the first day of school. I searched through the news and my Facebook feed. Some parents on Facebook understandably called for her to be fired. After school on the first day, Alpine School District put the teacher on administrative leave. In the afternoon, the district announced she is no longer an employee (either fired or resigned).

After watching videos and reading comments, I determined Kinyon acted out of fear. She has let her fear of COVID-19, Trumpism, climate change, and anti-LGBTQIA sentiment turn into secondary anger toward others. Her anger manifested as intimidation, bullying, and name-calling toward some students and their parents for several years. Some parents and students feel fear from her actions too. In a way, Kinyon’s actions and the student’s actions represent how we all react to fear.

How can we address these fears in positive ways?

Summary

• Address fear of the pandemic to civil advocacy of your beliefs
• Apply the scientific method to parents’ beliefs
• Understand the fear LGBTQIA and their families face, and the fear on the other side. Understand that we can disagree agreeably about LGBTQIA issues and achieve a compromise of “fairness for all.”
• Recognize free will creates chaos in a democracy
• Address abuse with the offender and then authorities kindly and privately
• Strive to love those outside your circle

Coping with the Pandemic

Many of us fear the effects of COVID-19 and government policies, which fear may manifest as anger or despair. For Kinyon, she fears unvaccinated students passing the COVID variants to her and her family. She understands the suffering it has caused and feels frustrated others aren’t doing their part, just as we all feel about our “side”. 

In our fear, like Kinyon’s, we sometimes place blame on human “spreaders” for the suffering and death caused by the Covid-19 virus. We hate that we can’t control the virus because it isn’t a flesh and blood enemy to conquer. Instead, we dehumanize anyone not following our rules into the virus to retain our false sense of control. After all, we have some ability to control people. Yet we balk when others resent or defy our control over their free will. We justify banning free will under the banner of “right to life.” We fail to see that suffering or dying from the virus is a natural cause. No human deprived someone of their right to life. Nature did.

We can acknowledge the loss of control, to find what is within our individual control, such as personal hygiene and vaccination. We can share our experiences to encourage others to do the same. For example, Kinyon could be a compassionate advocate for the vaccine. She congratulated one student on the vaccine. Why not encourage, instead of shaming, others to vaccinate too?

Instead of turning to anger or despair, we can turn our fear into action, hope, and courage. Hope that the vaccine offers better protection. Hope that the virus is rarely fatal. Hope that we can adjust and thrive despite a virus. Courage to serve others in time of need. Courage to wear a mask, or not to wear a mask. Courage to maintain and encourage civility. 

What positive emotions do you turn your fear into?

Examining Parents Opinions VS Calling for Rebellion

Kinyon drew on teenagers’ desire to question or rebel against what their parents believe. She stated, “My parents were freakin’ dumb!” and that her world opened up after she stopped believing them. She admonished students to follow suit. This statement shows she has partially stayed in a rebellious mindset. Instead, this science teacher could teach students to apply the scientific method, to rigorously examine their parents’ political and scientific beliefs. Then let students form their own conclusions from presented facts, so they may adopt, adapt, or reject their parents’ beliefs. In this way, Kinyon could have promoted healthy independence.

Have you changed your childhood beliefs? Why?

Caring for LGBTQIA Individuals and Others

Bullying and shunning LGBTQIA individuals happen in Utah despite the urging of political and spiritual leaders to love them. According to the 2019 SHARP survey, LGB students experienced about 30% more suicidal ideation than heterosexual students. During my high school years, two classmates expressed their fear negatively that suicide or bestiality was better than being homosexual. Thus, when I felt same-sex attraction as a junior, I panicked. These attitudes, the weaponization of traditional marriage, and a subculture of perfectionism contribute to the LGBTQ suicidal ideation in Utah.

So I get why Kinyon fears for the LGBTQIA students as a Gay-Straight Alliance mentor. She wants to help them feel accepted and loved. However, her fearful approach backfires because she is excluding those who disagree with her (evidenced by “Get out!” in the video). Her exclusive approach alienates those who disagree on LGBTQ issues, instead of inviting them to the discussion where persuasion usually happens. Maybe on her better days, she shows kindness to all students when she sets aside politics.

How can we show love for both LGBTQIA individuals and others? 

Understand Free Will is Chaotic

Politics in a democracy center around free will and persuasion, thus multitudinous viewpoints. The hope is to argue the points kindly, listen to others, adjust positions, and hopefully find solutions fair for everyone. This process appears contentious and chaotic at times when everyone can voice their opinion. Why other countries consider Americans crazy! We will step on each other’s toes. We will offend each other (there is no right to not be offended). What one person does will affect another person. Yet that doesn’t mean someone has always violated another’s free will when it is a natural consequence.

We circumvent the free exchange of ideas when we engage in name-calling, shaming, shunning, or any other method to control another. Because Kinyon fears the influence of Trump and his supporters in the US, she intimidated students with Trumpist views to shut down their speech. This type of attitude on any side of the debate hurts the democratic process.

Kinyon also allowed her burnout and students’ comments to fester her. Understandably, she expressed her frustration, but in the wrong place and time. She probably needs mental rest, like the rest of us.

What do you do to rejuvenate your mind before a difficult discussion?

Overcome Fear to Report Bullying and Abuse

According to parents and students on my Facebook feed, Leah Kinney has acted similarly for eight years. Comments implied students had reported her behavior before. Maybe she received discipline. If she did, it failed to correct the mistakes. Sadly, it took a video to social media to initiate correction. Eric Moutsos revealed Kinyon’s name, workplace, and appearance, which publicly shamed her whether Moutsos intended to or not. Moutsos could have withheld identifying details and blurred her face in the video to let the content speak for itself.

The victims, or students, in Kinney’s case, feel intimidated because the teacher has power over them. I understand that fear as a student. In fifth grade, Mr. L. told D.S., “Damn you to hell” and threatened to paddle us with “Big Bertha” for disobedience. I circulated a classroom petition for him to stop swearing (really verbal abuse). Mr. L. justified to weepy me that he only used biblical words. I directed my fear into action to rectify a problem. Yet I didn’t know to report the verbal abuse to the principal, or even higher.

In my experience schools create an insular space where others fear to report harassment and bullying because of indifferent administrators. For example, I experienced retaliation when I reported workplace harassment as a school substitute. I privately addressed my concerns to the offender, then the school administration yet all justified her badgering. Days later, I received a notice that the substitute agency banned me from subbing at that school due to my “contentious and unprofessional” behavior. Despite my suicidality upon receiving the news, I engaged that fear to report to the district’s human resources department and the substitute agency’s local representative. HR and the representative concluded I could sub the next year at that school, and they would address the teacher’s behavior confidentially. I discovered the agency’s policy was to ban subs at schools whenever the faculty reported issues. In other words, retaliation against subs is a de facto policy.

Those reporting infractions show courage for their actions because of the potential fallout. Yet it matters how and why they report too. Reporting abuse needs to make an effort to correct — not punish — the offender and support the victim. In our society, some desire to destroy and avenge the offender. Both sides deserve love.

What happened when you blew the whistle? Why did you do it?

Love Your Enemies

Kinyon and most of us easily love those who show loyalty and have similar beliefs. We enjoy it when someone aligns their free will with ours. We may create a “tribe” of loyal friends that eventually excludes others. When someone threatens a friend, we defend our tribe, in turn attacking another “tribe.” Hurt feelings may fester into enmity. Thus, we need to remove our mental barriers and expand our circle to those with different viewpoints. And to those who hurt us too within certain boundaries.

Poem: Noon Day Sun

He hangs by nails

Above rocks of skull

The noon sun fails

Black clouds overfull

Three hours of dark

Three hours of pain

Three hours no spark

Three hours dark reigns

The guttural cry

The final plea

His breaths die

His Spirit rests free

Rocks slash ajar

Graves yield their saints

The earth shudders

A soldier utters:

“Truly, this was the Son of God”

Behind hewn rock,

His body stays

Earthen waves shock

Lightning strikes blaze

Two angels declare:

“He is gone; He is risen”

Women search elsewhere

For He fled death’s prison

Brighter than noon day sun

He parts the clouds

He blesses one by one

His love enshrouds

Truly He is the Son of God

My Mourning Prayer on 9/11

Via Public Domain Photos

I remember my paternal grandmother on her birthday, 9/11, each year. She died six years before the 9/11 terrorist attack. My father thinks she would have been very upset knowing her birthday was on such a sad day. This year she would have turned 115. My maternal grandmother passed away last week at 90 years old. She witnessed almost a century of history — 89 elevenths of September. I remember 19 elevenths of September since 2001.

In August 2001, I started my freshman year at the junior college in my hometown. I lived at home and my parents drove me to campus. I stayed for classes and walked home afterward. About three weeks into my freshman year, the world changed.

Around 7:30 am MDT, my mom drove me to school in a red Ford Taurus when we heard the news on the radio of an attack. Something had happened, but I didn’t catch all of it. I attended my freshman writing course and the professor mentioned nothing about the news. Two days later, he apologized for not addressing the terrorist attacks, explaining he hadn’t yet heard the news that morning.

At home, I watched the news for many hours as I digested the information of attacks on the Twin Towers, Pentagon, and Flight 93. The image of the planes crashing into the Twin Towers seared into my memory.

On September 13, 2001, I wrote this in my journal:

It has only been two days since 9/11. Someone is laughing at their cruel joke I suppose. That of course, was the day when idiots hijacked four planes. The World Trade Center collapsing. Pentagon. There will be many words said and written about this terrorist attack. And I will say a few of them. So many lives have been affected (besides the thousands that are dead). Now they say New Yorkers are [more] considerate. They changed. Did it have to take that much to change people? I hope it is a permanent one. Petty stuff doesn’t matter.

I worked on a poem after the terrorist attacks. It seemed the best way for me to sort out the chaos I felt. Hopefully, it helps others sort out their chaotic feelings too when they read it.

My Mourning Prayer on 9/11

I don’t recall my morning prayer.
Did I pray for world peace?
The terrorists were seated by then,
Maybe had control.
How was the world to know?
News flashed past my ears.
Later, I understood the enormity;
Then I mourned.
Such evil! Such travesty!

The walls came tumbling down…
In more than one way.
Petty differences set aside
Now in each other, we confide.
As I lay me down,
Oh God,
I pray
May this longer last
And not fade in the past.

After 9/11, I felt a change in our country. We became kinder and more patriotic. People donated blood to help those in New York City and the Washington DC area. We donated money (some got stuck in charitable bureaucracies). Some negative things happened too. We had to navigate our negative feelings about Islam and Middle Easterners. We gave up some of our freedoms in exchange for safety. And wars lasted beyond their objective.

For these 19 years, some have speculated how we could have stopped the 9/11 terrorist attacks. I witnessed one solution when I toured the Shanghai Art Museum with fellow volunteer teachers in 2004. We gasped when we saw 9/11 footage playing on a stairway wall. The planes flew toward the World Trade Center, but then the planes bounced off the Twin Towers. I read the description for the video: The artist portrayed his little girl’s idea of planes bouncing off buildings. That was her solution to stop 9/11.

So may we have planes and buildings that bounce off each other. And may we have the resilience and courage to bounce back from defeat.

Anger as a Secondary Emotion to Fear

On Monday night, my husband, boys, and I were ordering snow cones on Main Street when my youngest son darted into the street. Time froze. I could only yell, “Damn you, kid.” My husband rushed into the street and grabbed our son. Our son squirmed in my husband’s arms for the next half-hour while we ate our snow cones.

I wondered why I would swear at my child when he was in danger. What I said wouldn’t do any good. What motivated my cursing my child? I know I had the freeze reaction while my husband had the fight reaction. I was afraid for my son’s life, yet I felt no control. My PTSD from my third son’s accident reared its ugly head when my youngest was in mortal danger. I believe my mind knew that my husband would grab my son, as my husband had saved my third son last year.

In recent online conversations, I have read how anger is a secondary emotion. I realized that my curse came from the primary emotion of fear (and love). I was angry with my son, but truly I was afraid to lose my son. I love him so much I don’t want to lose him. But I know life can be cruel at times. I thank God that this time my son survived unscathed.

My counselor and I discuss my third son’s accident as I am sorting through that trauma. My counselor talks about how rape survivors will blame themselves for not fighting against their attacker, but their bodies freeze just to survive the ordeal. Their reactions kept them alive and were necessary. Many reactions are simply to survive the ordeal.

I understand that my fear manifested in anger toward my son. I cursed him to cope with that fear. I can understand what I did was inappropriate. For that, I need to let my executive brain and my lizard brain work through the problem. I wonder if I can train myself to have a healthier reaction. Whatever happens, my body is going for survival of my offspring.

One time when a deputy sheriff pulled me over, he said something about making sure his kids/my kids wear the “damn seatbelt.” His statement was intimidating and inappropriate. But I understand where his anger comes from. He has seen unbuckled children die in accidents. He loves those he serves, though it may come out in the wrong way.

With the threat of COVID-19, some are letting their fear and anger overrule love. For example, a woman in a Gainesville, GA Walmart told an unmasked woman and her children, “I hope you all die because you’re going to kill me and my husband.” She was afraid for her life and her husband’s life. Her primary motivation of loving herself and her husband is a good thing. It’s letting the fear overwhelm her into attacking others that is wrong. A better reaction would be to politely ask people to wear a mask and educate others on the risks. Then let people decide for themselves.

How can we let love guide our actions first instead of anger? It takes a lot of practice and soul searching. We need to accept our fear and see how it can positively motivate us along with love. For example, we can encourage others to make wise choices, but not attack them in any form. We need to apologize when we hurt others. We need to forgive ourselves and others.

We need to breathe. Just breathe.

See the Whole Person: both Good and Bad

During my high school chemistry class, I thought I had a perfectly funny comeback in my head. My guy friends would sometimes joke, “Die!” when playing war or video games. Thus, I felt it was okay to blurt out, “I hope you die!” to a guy friend. The whole class of six people froze. Stunned, the teacher told me not to say that. Most were flabbergasted because that didn’t fit my character at all. I fumbled an apology with a strange explanation. They ignored me for the rest of class. The next day everyone talked to me like normal. They had forgiven me for my stupidity.

Via Wikipedia

Five years later, I read Orson Scott Card’s book, Speaker of the Dead and one lesson stuck with me: People have a mix of good and bad. Andrew “Ender” Wiggins in Ender Games destroyed the hostile aliens because he empathized with them. In Speaker of the Dead, Andrew Wiggins shared the good and bad qualities of the hostile aliens, which opened the eyes of the public years later. His new mission changed to sharing deceased persons’ narratives of their good and bad points.

Like Ender, we understand people better when we empathize with them. We recognize the good and bad actions and personality traits they have. We understand their motivations for their actions. Whether or not we agree with those actions, we understand why people act as they do.

In our current day, we need to see people from the past and present as an entire person before “canceling” them. We need to put their words and actions into context before making a final judgment. In the meantime, we can set temporary boundaries around inappropriate words and actions. For example, my chemistry teacher corrected me and my classmates looked at me strange and ignored me for a day. They saw I recognized my error and we all moved on.

Thus, it behooves me to forgive others their stupidity as I have been forgiven of my stupidity.

We have all made mistakes, or sinned terribly, but most of us have learned from those mistakes and sins. Look at how the person is acting now. Has the person apologized? Has the person deleted those awful words? Have they made appropriate compensations?

Instead of “canceling” a person, how can we encourage a person to change?

Overall, we need more positivity and love in our world to change lives for the better.

Benefits of Staying Up Late

Many nights, I binge watch, read, or play Scrabble on my phone until the wee hours of the morning. I want to finish the plot of the story line. Or my mind races with thoughts of grandeur. Generally, I have an all or nothing attitude when it comes to staying up late. It is SO healthy, I know.

The first benefit of staying up late is that I have time alone in a household of four rambunctious boys. It can be very loud in my house during the day. I am in 1590 square feet of space full of toys, boys, and noise. I need an hour or two of silence at night. Being the youngest child, I became used to silence. The problem is staying awake beyond an hour of two of silence.

The second benefit of staying up late is the brain function.  First comes the headaches. Then comes the feeling of decreased decision making. For example, my boys watch the game show Awake on Netflix where contestants are awake over 24 hours and they perform poorly. After 72 hours of sleep deprivation, people are certifiably mentally ill.

The third benefit of late nights is gazing at the stars. I grew up in Southeastern Utah where I could see the Milky Way in all its glory. The night is so crystal clear in the rural desert. When I look at the stars, I feel connected to my Creator.

Via Public Domain Photos

The fourth benefit of late nights includes enjoying more food. I increase my calorie intake by at least one extra meal. This leads to the overall weight gain. The issue is mindless eating and making poor food choices the next day.

I know the roots of my addiction and much of it has to do with bipolar too. I have stayed up late since I was eight or nine-years-old. It began on weekends when I would read a book late. But I would sleep regularly the rest of the week. As a teenager, I knew I could stay up late reading books or watching TV over the weekends or school breaks. I often did when I had no schedule. I carried this mentality into college of late-night weekends. When I worked and went to school, I only had one day a week I could stay up late. As a stay-at-home-mom, my hours are more flexible, but I have greater stress. I turn to staying up late to "cope" with stress. I have times I reset to a better sleep schedule.

It has been more difficult since last March when my third son accidentally strangled himself and my husband revived him. (My third son fully recovered.) My husband, the older boys, and I have PTSD from the event. I have "coped" more with food and staying up late. We all have had individual counseling. Other events have upset my equilibrium as well.

Bipolar makes it harder to change addictions because it is more difficult to focus on a habit long term. That is a difficulty with losing weight. I have two separate "personalities" from day to night. I can be a planner for an hour until my impulsive side kicks in. Then I am ready to just go get it done. It can drive my husband nuts sometimes because he is likes to think about purchases for a long time.

Obviously, the benefits of late nights have consequences. I continue to work on my mental and physical health with mixed results. One day I will go to sleep before midnight.

*I write about this hoping that someone else can benefit from my mistakes. That they can improve where I am trying to improve too. I hope others can gain insight into why their loved ones might be so stuck in their addiction and maybe find a way to empathize or know how to help.

Fear Blocking Truth

Via Public Domain Photos

Last year I had applied to two linguistic MA programs, which had been my dream to be accepted for over a decade. When I was not accepted, I asked for the reasons why from one school: my GRE essay score was too low and my thesis topic was not a fit for the school. The school had an unusual number of applicants last year too.

I felt the logical steps were to pick a topic that faculty has some specialties in and retake the GRE. So I formed an idea of a second language acquisition project based on peer learning. I would start making a peer-to-peer website that people can match with each other to play games to learn language with each other. I started my TESOL certificate and beginning programming with this goal in mind. I am signed up to continue these online classes. I have some passion for this idea because I would love to make quality, free peer learning available worldwide.

But my passion isn't necessarily all in this area of linguistics. I wrote a focused draft of my statement of intent about peer learning and second language acquisition. I sent this to a professor and my idea to another professor. These professors suggested I look into different majors of TESOL and Second Language Teaching because of my focused idea. I felt defensive because I wanted linguistics. I wanted to learn about phonetics, spelling, comparative/historical linguistics, poetics, philology, and language acquisition. But I hadn't communicated that to them. I had lied to them and to myself. So they gave me suggestions based on my lies. I had been afraid of being rejected a second time from the linguistics MA. I sent emails back to them explaining my fear and lie to myself and them.

I feel like an idiot, but I am only human. I never felt like I was lying because I felt I was acting logically. I am recognizing that I was acting out of fear. Fear is not a good place to act from because it brings poor results. I am working on a new statement of intent that better reflects my general interest in linguistics. I can still have the same tentative Master's project, maybe.

By the way, I retook the GRE and scored one point higher on the essay score out of six points. I have an almost average essay score, so it's significantly better than before. Much more focused.

Whatever the future brings will be fine.

Addicts and their Families Need Support

Via Public Domain Photos

For a summer, I was a case manager at a day treatment center where several of the clients dealt with multiple addictions. I was too young to recognize all that I really could have done. But I have learned so much more about addiction and recovery.

Most of us know someone who deals with an addiction or compulsion. We may deal with an addiction or compulsion ourselves. It can be very difficult to be supportive for someone who has an addiction or compulsion. It is a balance between support and not enabling them in their bad habits.

The journey is very personal and not something we can always openly talk about. Sometimes, we suffer in private. There are resources for those who are the support system of addicts. We need to take that support for ourselves. We need to engage in regular self-care. If we haven't taken care of ourselves, we have nothing to give to anyone else. We need to also recognize that we cannot change the addict. Only the addict can change themselves.

Many spouses or other long-time support of addicts suffer from betrayal trauma. It is a form of relationship trauma and PTSD from dealing with the subtle or sometimes outright abuse. The abuse is sometimes unintentional, but it still hurts other people.

Professional help and support groups can help the support person and addict on the journey to healing and recovery.

When I was 10 years old, I stepped on a broken beer bottle at a local reservoir. I bled from the circle wound in my foot. My mom took me to the clinic where the doctor put in stitches. Someone's addiction to alcohol (and littering) caused my injury. But there was also a way to heal that injury.

Glass Shards

One bottle smashed to the ground
Two bottles smashed to the ground
One step into the street
Two steps into the street
One shard into my foot
Two shards into my feet

One bottle crushed in the puddle
Two bottles crushed in the puddle
One jump into the water
Two jumps into the water
One fragment in my calf
Two fragments in my calves

One truth smashed to the ground
Two truths smashed to the ground
One step down to hell
Two steps down to hell
One soul shred in two
Two souls shred in two

One lie crushed beneath our feet
Two lies crushed beneath our feet
One rung up the ladder
Two rungs up the ladder
One stitch in the wound
Two stitches in the wound


I believe in hope with the Savior for those hurt by addiction and the addicts. It may be long and difficult road, but worth the journey.


Spouse and Family Support:

Church of Jesus Christ Spouse and Family Guide
Al-Anon
Smart Recovery
PalGroup
American Addiction Centers

Sexual Compulsion Help:

Addressing Pornography-Church of Jesus Christ
Utah Coalition Against Pornography
Lifestar
The Betrayed, The Addicted, The Expert podcasts
Betrayal Trauma Recovery (spouse)

Addiction Recovery:
Church of Jesus Christ 12 step groups
Alcoholics Anonymous
List of Alcohol Addiction Recovery article
US National Helpline Substance Abuse 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
Narcotics Anonymous

The Painful Quest for Truth

From the beginning of humankind, we have sought for the truth. We want to know the answers to those deep questions about life and search through science, religion, philosophy, and society. God wants us to ask the tough questions because it builds our faith. He will answer our questions...but in different times or ways then we expect.

Satan intervenes during our quest with half-truths, flattering words, distractions, and lies. He yearns to discourage us when we face troubling questions and moral dilemmas.

We then have a choice of where and how we search for the truth.

"The Serpent and Eve Banner" by Circe Denyer

The First Desire for Truth & Knowledge

In the Garden of Eden, God imparted eternal truth and knowledge to Adam and Eve. This included the plan to return to Heavenly Father and to be like Him. However, Adam and Eve's paradise--which literally means to form walls around--soon became a prison. Particularly, this commandment of warning and choice halted their progress:

Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat, But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it, nevertheless, thou mayest choose for thyself, for it is given unto thee; but, remember that I forbid it, for in the day thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die (emphasis added; Moses 3:16-17).

Eve desired more knowledge to be like God as he had taught her. And she desired to follow every commandment, including multiplying and replenishing the earth. Thus, Eve recognized truth--but not the lie yet--in Satan's half-truth about the forbidden fruit:

"Ye shall surely not die: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as the gods, knowing good from evil" (emphasis added; Genesis 3:4-5).

Adam and Eve chose to not heed God's warning, but follow the other commandments. They fell on the double-edged sword of seeking knowledge, experiencing sorrow and joy. Their fall led to our existence (see 2 Ne. 2:25).

Paradoxically, God cast Adam and Eve out on their journey back to Him.

Satan Manipulates Our Desire for Truth

Satan manipulates our drive for knowledge with half-truths, philosophies of men, and knowledge for knowledge sake. He drives us into whatever wind of doctrine that distracts us from the whole truth of God. We get stuck on one passion and neglect the rest. Satan seeds doubt and casts out faith.

We sometimes search for truth from questionable sources. Instead of searching for answers from the source, we go to the opposition's camp. We can become swamped with so much useless knowledge, we never attain the highest truths of existence.

How do We Receive Answers?

First, we need to have faith to seek eternal truth. Without the foundation of faith, we are blown off course. We must hold on to what we know until we find the other answers we seek.

Jesus Christ told Oliver Cowdery during the restoration of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, "you must study it out in your mind" (D&C 9:8). The Lord wants us to use our brains and hearts to find answers. This inherently means to ask questions.

We prepare ourselves for an answer when we pray and clear our minds. Then we listen for answers. We allow the quiet to settle upon us.

How do we know if something is true? When the Holy Ghost speaks peace to our hearts and our minds (D&C 8:2).

The Answers that Never Come

I have had questions that sometimes I don't have a satisfactory answer to in my quest for truth.

I wonder why women don't have the Priesthood in the Latter-day Saint faith. I read Church messages and books by members on my truth quest. For example, I read Sheri L. Dew's book Women and the Priesthood, which gave me some answers. When men would say that she didn't have the Priesthood in her home, Sheri Dew responded she had access to the Priesthood through her baptismal and temple covenants. 

Covenant-keeping women have access to the Priesthood authority of God when we keep our baptismal and temple covenants. I can't rely on my husband or any other Priesthood holder to be present all the time. On the other hand, a man alone cannot give himself a Priesthood blessing. Another Priesthood holder has to do it.

What do women have that correlates with the Priesthood? I've concluded that it is not motherhood, but service. We have an authority that is veiled from the world.

I wonder why some--including myself--feel same-sex attraction. I realize I have a bisexual orientation. Since my first experience of same-sex attraction 21 years ago, I have studied this topic in Church messages, scientific findings, and a gay friend's blog. 

I believe that sexual orientation is neutral, including homosexuality and bisexuality. Same-sex attraction is neither good nor bad. I reason acting on the attraction is contrary to the eternal law of multiplying and replenishing, an eternal law God must abide by. In his mercy, God counsels against same-sex romantic behavior to prevent future heartache for same-sex couples. (These thoughts have been shaped from reading my friend's blog.) I may or may not be correct in my thoughts. I await further revelation.

I wonder why Black men stopped receiving the Priesthood and Blacks of African descent couldn't receive temple ordinances from the mid-1800s to 1978. Joseph Smith had ordained a few black men to the Priesthood, but the ordinations stopped after his martyrdom. In 1852, Brigham Young expressly forbid Black Priesthood ordination while stating the Lord would one day restore the Priesthood and temple ordinances to Blacks. Black members, particularly Jane Manning James and Elijah Abel, petitioned the Church for full Priesthood and temple blessings for 100-plus years. Prophets asked when the Priesthood and temple blessings would be available to all. In 1978, the Lord revealed to President Spencer W. Kimball and the Apostles to grant the Priesthood and temple blessings to Black people.

To me, it is very unfair Black people had to wait so long. The 1978 revelation still didn't include why the Lord waited so long and no reason has been revealed since then. Sadly, Brigham Young and other white Church members through 100-plus years fell into the temptation of speculating about why Black people were "less worthy" of the Priesthood and temple blessings. Racial rhetoric of their time contributed to the speculation. Their deviated quest for truth discounted the truth that all humans are created equal.

From an outside perspective, it seems Prophets should have changed the policy from the beginning. However, members feel they need revelation from God to change doctrine, not pressure from society. All I know is God loves everyone, no matter their skin color.

With all my questions, I feel some answers will only come after mortal life. In the meantime, I hold on to what I know.

Historical Quests for Truth

Questioning aspects of religion has led to many breakthroughs throughout history. The Bible records many of the answers to spiritual questions from Adam to Paul. And I believe the quest continued through Joseph Smith.

According to Latter-day Saint belief, Jesus Christ's entire church apostatized after His apostles died. Only records remained, but no Priesthood authority. A few hundred years later, Catholicism and Orthodoxy took shape with parts of the truth intact.

Many questioned the power and doctrine of Roman Catholicism. These questions resulted in multiple belief systems and improved Catholicism itself.

Via Public Domain Photos

Martin Luther questioned the doctrine of indulgences in his 95 Theses. Anne Boleyn convinced Henry VIII to break from Catholicism, though he used it only for his selfish desires. Thus, the Church of England was formed. Separatists from the Church of England split into multiple denominations. Baptists questioned how baptism should really take place. Many Separatist congregations fled to America, including pilgrims on the Mayflower.

During the Second Great Awakening in America, a 14-year-old Joseph Smith was on a quest for spiritual knowledge. He received an answer that no church was true, which wasn't what he expected at all. With each question Joseph Smith had, he received answers (whether he liked the outcome or not, such as plural marriage).

Joseph Smith's questions led to the formation of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, restoration of the gospel, Priesthood, and temple ordinances, and the translation of the Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ. He and others made mistakes along the way because they had no predecessors to rely on.

In our time, we continue the quest for spiritual truth. Like science, spirituality is a lifetime exploration that adjusts to new discoveries.

One "Bad" Thought Does Not Define Who You Are

"Thinking Woman" by George Hodan

Sometimes we have "bad" thoughts and we feel shame over them. That thought gets stuck in our minds as we obsess that we might act out on that terrible thought. We become debilitated in this obsessive thought pattern. We may act on this thought or not. (By the way, this may be a symptom of OCD.)

Note: some of these examples address my religious beliefs of chaste thoughts and same-sex attraction.  You may or may not agree with my beliefs. That said, I admire those who serve others whatever lifestyle they choose. I am also not confessing, just illustrating a universal struggle.

I felt like such a horrible person as a teenager because of unchaste thoughts and actions (nothing horrible). I denied forgiveness to myself because the thoughts just kept resurfacing. The excessive guilt debilitated me. I confessed to a bishopric councilor about my inappropriate thoughts and actions even though I had confessed and repented before. The councilor then explained that repentance is like getting a new car part. The dent from the sin is gone permanently through the Atonement. (No such thing as chewed-up gum!) Jesus Christ made me a new person. Over time, I forgave myself.

In high school and college, I freaked out when I was attracted to other females. Suddenly, I felt nervous around my female friends. What happened if I held a friend's hand? Nothing. I realized it only meant friendship. Later, a college classmate mentioned that teenagers commonly feel attracted to the same sex. (Sadly, some commit suicide after such thoughts.) They fear, like I had feared, that the one thought defined them.

During a therapy session at college, the counselor compared thoughts to debris going down a river. It all washes downriver. This helped me visualize my "bad" thoughts going away. In addition, therapist Blaine Hickman writes about detaching anxiety from "bad" thoughts to prevent compulsions.

Days after delivering my first baby, I saw a knife and imagined stabbing myself or my baby. I had to hide knives from myself. It took time for me to let go of the fear of hurting myself or someone else. I still fear that I may hurt my children. I have to remind myself that it is only a fleeting thought. Even in emotional turmoil, I can remove myself from the situation and follow coping techniques.

I found more peace after attending Recovery International. The founder, Abraham Low, stated that a disturbing thought is like a thief in the night that goes away. The thief leaves.

A disturbing thought does not define who we are! We choose who we are through our mental focus and actions. Even if we act on the "bad" thought, we can change! We can change through the Atonement and feel peace again.

Don't Shoot the Whistle Blower!

"Green Whistle" by Steven Depolo

Do we know how many atrocities have been stopped because of whistle-blowers? We have no idea, but more atrocities were avoided because whistle blowers revealed the truth. They are those brave people who risked their lives, families, and reputations. So don't shoot the messenger!

I mourn how society, family, friends, media, and leaders ridicule whistle blowers and victims. This victim-blaming hurts us as a whole and no victim should suffer more. It's not the victim's fault. It is the fault of the offender who hurt another person. Now imagine you are ridiculed for telling the truth. You hope someone will take you seriously then.

Whistle blowers are holding the offenders accountable. Offenders often won't change without being held accountable by society, family, and religious leaders. This is a matter of tough love for the offender.

Sometimes we don't know how to treat a whistle blower or victim. We are hesitant to believe them or want to deny it all. If what they say is true, it changes our world view. It hurts most when we have to change our view about close family and friends.

Still, look seriously into the allegations and take precautions, even if you don't believe the whistle blower. We need to evaluate our own loyalties, fears, and other blinders when searching for the truth. Follow the Spirit, or your gut, which will speak to both your mind and your heart (See D & C 8:2).

Often we can't verify through evidence about what really happened since it may be a case of he said/she said. Several scenarios are possible where the victim blamed the wrong person, or the victim is really the offender. The situation may be very complex because of manipulation. We may have to accept that we will never know the truth. Whatever happens, the victim, whistle blower, and offender all need understanding and love.

Stopping Desire to Hurt before It Worsens

"SIN" by april

We've all found ourselves frustrated with children. It's a normal reaction. My children know how to press my buttons. Sometimes, we may cross the line of annoyance and hurt our children. This is the time to nip it in the bud!

We may need extra help to overcome a desire to hurt others. So many people can help. Talking to another adult, counselor, or religious leader can help. Sometimes, we just need to take a break to regain our equilibrium. Pray for help too. Do what it takes to change now.

Like a Caged Animal

"get out of my Photo!!!" by chefjancris

Abusers hate when they lose control. They do everything within their power to maintain their power, but that doesn't work on everyone. Eventually, someone will push back and their secret will become shouted upon the rooftops. This is when they feel like a caged animal.

Animals feel desperate in cages and attack even when someone wants to help. Abusers sometimes become more careless or more aggressive in their attacks. They do not want to be caught! But they don't see that being caught is actually a freeing experience. Now they can be released from the cage of their sins.

When abusers are held accountable, they can use that opportunity to repent. They will have access to professional help. They can come closer to their Savior and suffer only a fraction of what they will in the eternities.

Jesus Christ said that "It were better for him a millstone was hanged about his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones" (Luke 17:2). Abusing a child is a serious offense. Only Jesus can remove that millstone.

Reasons to Stay Together in a Marriage

Heavenly Father weeps when two good people separate or divorce. He weeps seeing selfishness enter on either side. He weeps when lies and silence tear apart a family.

Husbands and wives create so many reasons to separate and divorce, but that energy would be better spent finding reasons to stay together. Here's my list:

1. You don't have to go back into the meat market of dating. (Believe me, that sobers me.)

2. You have a companion to help you through hard times.

3. You have a partner to raise your children.

4. You are in a better financial position.

5. You have someone who understands you even more than your mother.

6. You have someone who wants to forgive you (eventually).

7. You have a person to hug and kiss anytime.

8. You have someone who loves you despite your flaws.

Heavenly Fathers smiles when a husband and wife put aside their differences and work on loving each other. He knows that this brings so much more happiness.


Naturally, there are exceptions to the cases of divorce and separation. But the exceptions are few and far between. So often selfishness blinds us to seeing situations as they really are.

Hating the Opposite Sex

Marriages and relationships fall apart because females hate males, or males hate females. Why should there be enmity between males and females? The devil loves to create divisions along the lines of male versus female. That has been one of his tools since the beginning of time. Enmity between the sexes frustrates the plan of God for marriage and stable families.

A woman hates men because she had a bad relationship, but that doesn't mean all men are bad. A man hates women because he had a bad relationship, but that doesn't mean all women are bad. An apple tree will have good and bad apples. Just because you ate the bad apple, doesn't mean that you still can't find a good apple.

That "bad" apple may not be bad at all. It may just be your perception. Most people are not all bad. We look for the negative instead of the positive in the opposite sex. There will always be something to not like about someone. Look at Jesus--so many people still hated him and he was perfect. Ironically, sometimes the best people are most hated because they speak the truth.

So rethink when you man-bash or woman-bash. You are serving the devil. We all fall into the trap and we can do better.

Clean Entertainment

I've read Regency Romance novels for several years without coming across one that is erotic in any nature (probably because they're from moral authors). Well, I stopped reading one today. I got third-way through the book without anything beyond kissing. Now I'm just upset because I was hoping it wouldn't be like that. I still want to finish the book because I'm invested in the story.

I stopped reading it anyway. But the devil sure makes certain entertainment enticing. We all have sexual desires that are so easy to stimulate. It's just so tempting to give into viewing, listening, or reading erotica, explicit jokes, and pornography. Good thing God allows for repentance since most of us have fallen into this trap.

Sexual desires are God-given, so that humans procreate and men and women can express love toward one another. Those desires are meant to only be used within the bonds of marriage. God has a purpose for marriage--so that the family is stable. Anything stimulating those desires outside of marriage is inappropriate.

We are all human and trying our best to make it through this life. Choosing wholesome entertainment helps our lives go smoother.



The Lord's Standard of Morality

Some find this article controversial because the author stated that women usually get the kind of man they dress for. Some women were upset about this article because they felt that it excused men from being responsible for their thoughts and actions. The author states later that men and women have a responsibility to control their own thoughts. We women show respect for ourselves and for all men when we dress modestly. Women who dressed modestly and still ended up with a jerk are upset about this comment too. Unfortunately, these women are the exception, which the author can't address every exception. The Lord has compassion on these women--and all men and women.

I'm Right, You're Wrong

How often do I want to say these words? I think "I'm right; you're wrong!" many times. That's because I am right, even if it doesn't matter :).

Abraham Low, a cognitive behaviorist, taught that we don't need to go for the "symbolic victory." This only raises our tempers and raises our physical tension.

Often there is no right or wrong to many situations. It's merely a matter of opinion. Sometimes we just beat our heads against the wall.

Really, everyone wants to be heard and understood. We want to feel validated, whether we are right or wrong. We can disagree agreeably.

There are moral absolutes, but often these absolutes can be communicated in a kind way. We need to avoid contention.

Sometimes we just need to swallow our pride and say "I'm sorry." I'll keep working on it.

Forgiving Seven Times Seven

I am thinking of Jesus saying to forgive seventy times seven (Matthew 18:21-22). I thought of it as forgiving someone completely. Today I have a new thought about forgiving.

Sometimes we forgive someone once and we have flare-ups of anger. Now I realize that anytime I have a flare-up, which may happen 490 times, I need to forgive again.

I feel the anger build and I want revenge. I don't feel at peace. Abraham Low said that we excuse rather than excuse for our own mental health. I need to forgive so I can maintain my mental health. My mental and spiritual health are more important than revenge and bitterness.

I'll keep working to forgive 490 times.

We are spirit sons and daughters of Heavenly Father

"And if children, then heirs; heirs with God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may also be glorified together"
 -Romans 8:17

We have infinite worth because we are sons and daughters of Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother. Our potential is limitless. Our potential goes beyond this mortal life. We will continue as immortals with physical bodies after our resurrection. We have the potential to be like God himself.

This life is a test; thus, it is hard. We have to earn our way, through the Savior's grace, back to the presence of Heavenly Father. When we earn our own money to buy something, we appreciate it so much more than if our parents casually bought it for us.

Remember who you are, and remember that God loves you so much that he sent his Son to suffer and die for you.


Links to my poems about eternal worth:

Princess in Disguise
Moses Told God: Man Is Nothing
A Dying Ember

Truth Is a Hard Taskmaster

"And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." John 8:32

We think of this phrase that the truth will set us free in a physical sense. But that scripture has so much more power. Jesus instructed us to follow eternal truths so we could be set free from the captivity of the devil.

Truth is a double-edged sword. If you abide by truth, you will be spiritually free. If you don't abide by truth, you will be spiritually captive.

Unfortunately, mortals treat the truth casually. We only wish to see the truth that will benefit us personally. We don't want to think of the truth that will damn us. Truth hurts.

If someone is brave enough to tell the truth, support that person. Don't let them stand alone.

In a court of law, truth does not always prevail because of human limitations and corruption. Sometimes, the innocent look like they are mentally unstable. The guilty get away because they lied, bribed, or wormed through a loophole (or because there wasn't enough evidence beyond reasonable doubt).


Random lines--

Truth is a hard taskmaster.
Truth demands justice.
Truth demands confession.
Truth demands growth.

Are we brave enough
To face the truth?
Are we brave enough
To tell the truth?