Coming to Terms with My Bisexuality Within a My Moral Framework

selfie

I didn't "come out" as bisexual until Summer 2021 partially because I didn't have a term for my sexuality until a few years ago. Even when I did mention my sexual orientation almost two years ago, I only mentioned it briefly in a blog post. Later, I mentioned it in the context of tribalism on my personal Facebook page. No one said anything about my subtle "coming out". In a way, this comforted me because my friends and family viewed me as the same person.

When I Knew

In January 2000, I first felt same-sex attraction at sixteen years old during a school practice. This shocked me because I had an almost constant attraction to males, so it just didn't make sense. I knew Ellen Degeneres was a lesbian. My distant relative was gay. And Leonardo DiCaprio was bisexual--whatever that was. Despite DiCaprio, 90s media mainly portrayed the binary of straight or gay/lesbian, so I didn't understand where I "fit" in. I feared I might be a lesbian, but that didn't fit my experience of only fleeting attraction to females.

After this, I trusted my body's signals less. My libido already exceeded the normal level of my peers due to bipolar 2 symptoms (still undiagnosed). And already dealing with the shame associated with preteen compulsive self-stimulation, I only felt more shame and confusion. Generally, I feared my own sexuality. I only dared to share about self-stimulation--and not same-sex attraction.

Trusted adults reassured me self-stimulation was a natural inclination, and they encouraged me to forgive myself. Instead, I absorbed the shame my peers communicated subconsciously. So this definitely meant not admitting to same-sex attraction to anyone, especially in light of a few peers' degrading remarks on homosexuality.

College

While at college, I had a resurgence of same-sex attraction when I felt depressed during my second semester at BYU. Ironically, my attraction to males decreased significantly. I didn't share my feelings with anyone, but I think some people may have understood. For example, my sister had the impression that one of my struggles was same-sex attraction. She shared her impression later on and I confirmed it.

One college friend expressed that women can feel attracted to each other because they share their feelings openly. And she expressed that some teenagers die by suicide because they freak out when they feel same-sex attraction. Her words helped me cope with my own feelings, whether she knew it or not. Then I understood that it's okay to feel same-sex attraction and it isn't worth ending a life over it.

Also, a counselor at BYU talked about thoughts being like leaves in the wind. This simile aided my understanding that my thoughts of self-stimulation and same-sex attraction were fleeting ideas. They would disappear. This helped me cope with my feelings within my moral framework. (I know others have different experiences where same-sex attraction remains a constant.)

Before my proselyting mission, I wrote an essay entitled "The Genetics of Homosexuality." I tried to understand why some feel same-sex attraction. Subconsciously, I was trying to understand myself.

Why I Waited to "Come Out" in My 30s

In 2020, I started a post that I never published. I wrote:

"I don't want to be called brave, gross, or sinful for sharing. ... I don't want my story as part of an agenda. I don't want to be the bisexual woman who followed the commandments, so why can't you? I don't want to be the bisexual woman who is told to ignore my [beliefs] because others perceive it as anti-gay. I don't want straight women to feel uncomfortable around me.

I want to be me."

On Twitter, I follow or check out others' tweets about religious LGB individuals. There I see some on both sides mock, besmirch, cancel, and dox each other. I wonder at such hate and pettiness. And this is partly why I hesitated to share my experience beyond family and close friends. But I decided that my perspective and experience add to the variety of LGB experiences. My perspective may help other LGB individuals understand themselves.

My Marriage

I shared my same-sex attraction with my husband a few years ago. (I didn't understand myself well enough to tell him before then.) He accepted it as a part of my sexuality. We had already discussed that though we are married, we still feel attracted to other people. I am just attracted to a wider variety of people than my husband. We have worked for years to foster honesty and trust with each other about various sexual feelings. It hasn't been easy, but we know we want to be together.

Being married, I recognized that part of me is a sexual being. Sexual feelings are healthy when channeled in a positive direction. Thus, I learned my libido helps me express affection to my husband. And it helps propagate the species in families. When I feel same-sex attraction, I believe that sexual desire stems from a desire for a deeper connection. I first made this connection when pondering Jillian Michaels' first marriage with Heidi Rhoades.

My understanding that my sexual orientation didn't define me deepened over the years. My true identity is that I am human and a child of God. My sexual orientation is a secondary characteristic, along with others like my creativity. I have intrinsic worth for being alive. And so too does every person with same-sex, opposite-sex, or asexual orientations.

I learned self-acceptance largely through the example of a friend who I met through volunteer English teaching 18 years ago. While reading his blog and essays over the years, his words helped me put my bisexual feelings into perspective along with my spiritual beliefs. Soon I shaped new beliefs.

Talking with My Son

When I was 15, I overheard my mom talking with a relative and mentioning a sexual term. I felt very uncomfortable asking my parents or others about this, though my mom would have answered my question. Instead, I turned to the dictionary (the internet was still new). Still, I had only a vague idea of what the term meant. Though I am glad I sought a factually accurate source. Because of my reticence as a teenager, I hoped to develop that trust with my son so he will come to my husband or me first.

My husband and I have tried to help my oldest son feel comfortable talking to us about sexuality. One time he ran to his room so that one attempt didn't work well. I'm learning that it needs to come up naturally in conversation. While driving him home from school, I casually mentioned that maybe boys may date boys. He seemed to think I was a chill mom for that comment. Mostly, I want him to feel comfortable sharing his orientation with my husband and me. In another conversation with my son, my husband, and me, we discussed different orientations. We had a fruitful discussion where my husband and I reiterated: "Please come to us for your questions first". We hope to provide accurate information without him sorting through explicit or inaccurate internet sources.

My Political Take

Over my lifetime, the acceptance of the LGB community has increased, and they feel safer opening up about their experiences. Conversion therapy techniques once caused more harm than good. However, the pendulum has swung too far so that schools refuse to tell parents about a child's orientation. Many religions have softened their stance toward LGB individuals.

After Obergefell v. Hodges, same-sex marriage became legal in the US. Some accepted this as the new law of the land, while others still balked at it. Personally, same-sex marriage seemed an inevitable outcome, even if I questioned its morality. Instead, my husband and I discussed that marriage should be a religious ceremony and no longer the government's role. Before legalization, many insurance companies wouldn't include a same-sex partner on the other partner's plan. This type of situation definitely needed nondiscrimination legislation in the US before legalization.

Sadly, for many years (and still today) religious people, traditional marriage allies, LGB allies, and the LGB community fought instead of seeking compromises and peaceful resolutions. Both sides sometimes show signs of intolerance, being easily offended, and bigotry. We can love each other, seek understanding, hold boundaries, and agreeably disagree. This takes practicing humility on an individual level. Recognize you can only choose how you act and react.

If you want more of my take on LGB issues, consider tipping, subscribing, pledging, or following me on Facebook or Twitter @oeileend_oed.

Reframing My Mindset to One of Abundance

Photo by Author

I don't want to go back to work on Monday. I suppose that's a normal feeling, but I need to be okay with it. Perhaps even be excited. I've had the last week off with my kids and I was sick for a week before that. So I am "out of practice". I have messed up my sleep schedule so 2 am is my normal again. But guess what? I need to go to sleep by 12 am to function.

Scarcity vs Abundance

On my health coach's page, I mentioned that I was rebelling by staying up late. She shared the insight that I had a scarcity mindset versus an abundance mindset. I view my time alone as a scarcity: why I stay up late. I am digesting her comments. So I guess I need to change my mindset that I have time alone--that I schedule it. Maybe I need to say no to a few things. Maybe say no to so much time on social media, the news, and phone games. I believe those are my biggest time wasters that increase my stress instead of destressers like drawing, writing, deep breathing, and looking at the stars.

What activities destress you?

Energy

Besides time, I realized I view my energy as a scarce resource instead of an abundant resource. Truly, energy isn't a limited resource. I realize my energy is only limited when I am ill or haven't slept well. I can largely control my sleep pattern. Also, energy begets energy. Another goal has been to set minimums. In the mini-lessons and coaching sessions, minimums often bring momentum to further the task. Thus, energy then begets energy. So while writing this I hope to reframe my mindset, besides just intellectually knowing it. Applying it.

My nephew used to run around the house right before bed until he'd crash. All that running energized him until he suddenly conked asleep. Thus, energy begets energy.

We also need to achieve a balance between energy and recovery. I've noticed there are different types of recovery. One type of recovery is doing something you love even when it's hard. For example, I love writing and drawing, yet those hobbies can mentally drain me. It is a creative outlet. On the flip side, looking at the stars, deep breathing, and naps rest my body and mind. It's a physical recovery versus a creative recovery.

You Got This

I chose the picture with "You got this" at the beginning of the article because my coach says it often in group meetings. In fact, her welcome package included a decal "You got this", which I pasted to my mirror. When I see it sometimes, it reminds me that I can take the next small step on my health journey.

Does the phrase "You got this" help you? Or perhaps another phrase?

Non-scale Victory

The health coach asks on the Facebook group every week what is one non-scale victory. That mindset takes away the uncontrollable weight outcome to the controllable victories of eating veggies three days a week. I realize more the journey has been about celebrating those small victories centered around a healthier mindset.

Personally, my weight has fluctuated within a five-pound range. I haven't achieved much there, but I have achieved a healthier lifestyle. I am finding more balance. My mental health has improved significantly since beginning my journey with my coach (seven months without self-harm episodes).

My coach focuses mostly on mindset so clients can achieve lasting health. She saw clients lose weight only to gain it back when that was the sole focus. She wants her clients to succeed in the long run.

This isn't fat acceptance BS. This is a healthy body positivity that encompasses an abundance of health in multiple areas. And that lasting change that will result in a healthier body (whether lighter, heavier, breathing easier, etc).

So, we got this.

If you want to see more of my coach's thoughts, you can visit her TRH Fitness FB page.

You can find me on Twitter @oeileend_oed. 

Let's See Ourselves as More Than One-dimensional

Red Canyon displays the diversity of Earth

Many times we look at ourselves in the mirror and only notice our physical appearance. We pick on one feature we dislike or preen at another feature we like. For me, I focus too much on my obesity. Yet, we often neglect to see ourselves as multidimensional--like a disco ball. We are so much more: our talents, weaknesses, memories, knowledge, thoughts, and feelings. We may take that perspective outward to judge others based on their most obvious characteristic too.

Indeed, we have let ourselves be categorized in so many ways by race, ethnicity, religion, political persuasion, beliefs, sexuality, gender expression, nationality, and so on. These categories can be useful to help us identify our past, our needs, our beliefs, and so on if we keep it in perspective that we are multi-dimensional human beings. The harm comes when we focus only on one identity of ourselves or one identity of another person.

Overview

1. A mask says nothing about the person behind it.
2. An obsession with race can lead to enmity, but it can be a jumping point to understand our heritage better.
3. Labels for sexual orientation can lead to a greater personal understanding when kept in perspective.
4. We need to love our personal diversity (including weaknesses) in order to love others.
5. Growth comes from responsible reactions to a diversity of thought, culture, etc.

Only the Mask

This last year has taught us the preciousness of our physical bodies. We are taking so many actions to protect our physical bodies. However, we have judged one another based on the outward appearance of "obedience" to these actions. We judge a person on whether they wear a mask or not as if that determines their intelligence, political party, or religious affiliation.

We have taken this one measure to determine so much about a person. Some judge an unmasked person as being stupid, lazy, uncaring, disobedient, etc. Others judge the masked as woke, snobbish, liberal, unAmerican, stupid, etc. This piece of cloth tells us nothing about a person's character besides that they are wearing a mask.

We don't know their health history, their attitudes, their vaccination status, their compassion, or their political affiliation based on a mask.

But we can ask someone why they wear or don't wear a mask to understand them better. I know people who differ on mask-wearing for similar reasons.

Only Race

When we become hung up on race as a sole identifier, we may think our race is either superior or inferior. And we may view other races as either superior or inferior. Thus, enmity can distort our view that someone is an oppressor or a weakling, or it develops into self-hate or self-conceit. Either outcome denies the beauty of our personal and societal diversity.

Overall, we don't need to be prideful or humiliated by our skin color. Instead, we can let our skin color show us our heritage, our culture, and our human diversity. For example, I know my ancestors are most likely Northern Europeans because I am pale with freckles. Surprisingly, I also have some Semitic DNA (though my mom hasn't found a link in her family history research).

Sadly, sometimes certain characteristics have been attached to race. We may mistakenly associate whites with bigotry, blacks with stupidity, or Asians with excessive achievement. The list goes on. With any of these stereotypes, we create division with a member of our race or another race. When we look at more than skin color, we see a diversity of ideas too.

Our differences of experience, skin tone, and ideas provide us the opportunity to see new perspectives. Thus, diversity and opposition produce greater progress scientifically, spiritually, politically, or emotionally. Ultimately, it is part of our journey toward objective truth.

Only Sexuality

I recognized my occasional same-sex attraction since my junior year in high school but didn't have a label for it. In the 90s, only lesbian and gay labels floated as alternative sexual orientations. I still felt attraction toward males, so I knew I wasn't a lesbian. In the 2010s, I heard the label bisexual and asexual. Then I had a term for my sexuality: bisexual. It helped to have this label so I could process my sexuality as one of my many dimensions.

Some have an "us vs. them" mentality toward sexuality that focuses only on heterosexuality vs. LGBTQIA. Some straight people feel the need to identify as allies. Others call LGBTQIA the alphabet people (you have to admit the acronym keeps getting longer). This focus on only sexual identity creates division within our communities.

LGBTQIA individuals may feel alone, divided within themselves, or cluster in groups according to sexuality. Their allies and these individuals band together sometimes excluding those who disagree. Some persecute LGBTQIA individuals, whether intentional or not. In the end, both may resort to defensiveness. Hopefully, when we focus on loving the whole individual instead, the division and defensiveness will fall away concerning sexual orientation.

I know LGBTQIA individuals struggle to see themselves multi-faceted, which can lead to suicidal ideation. For example, David Archuleta had trouble even acknowledging his gayness to himself within his belief system, so he felt he needed to die by suicide. Sadly, he had difficulty seeing he could be gay and a Latter-day Saint Christian simultaneously (I know it's a tricky balance). He has a difficult road ahead of him, whatever path he takes. Plus, I am so glad he is still around.

Personally, I felt unity when I "came out" as bisexual to friends and family (I told my husband when I realized it myself). One sister was surprised, one sister knew it intuitively, one brother said he loved me, and my mom opined about the origin of my feelings, but all my family said they loved me. Then I shared my orientation on social media in a post about tribalism. No one commented on my sexuality. I felt unsure about that, but the non-reaction revealed to me that my friends and family view all of me already.

I hope others have similar social support. In my experience, it helps when relationships are rooted in more than one identity. In fact, having respect for disagreeing disagreeably makes a relationship stronger.

Love Yourself More Wholly to Love Others

Since self-hate often begins with thinking errors, it can be reversed through developing healthier thinking patterns.

I follow one person on Twitter who I notice can be harsh toward other people who profess different opinions (race, religion, culture, etc. don't play a factor). I wondered at her harshness until I saw a post about how she is harsh with herself. It clicked. Her frequent negative self-talk saps her energy to love herself and those ideologically different from her.

So how can we love ourselves more (to love others)? Truly, there isn't a one-size-fits-all answer. First, we need to remember we are intrinsic and eternal beings full of potential. Second, we need to address our physical needs--food, movement, sleep, needed medication, etc.--so our brains have the energy to rewire themselves. Finally, we can practice mindfulness, gratitude, and recognizing thinking errors (cognitive behavioral therapy). With practice, we can replace negative self-talk with realistic, kind, and positive self-talk.

The Value of Diversity

As humans we desire homeostasis--we don't want to rock the boat. But with the diversity within our own selves and the diversity of others combats that status quo. We cannot stay the same because we are in constant flux as we rub shoulders. Overall, we can use diversity, change, and opposition to create greater beauty.

We can let our beauty be like multi-faceted disco balls reflecting a rainbow of colors on each other and on the dance floor.

We are beautiful.

New Mattress, New Job, New Year to Better Sleep

Photo by Author

 

Since my husband started working from home because of the pandemic, I have subconsciously taken advantage of that fact. I know he can tackle the morning routine without me, even if it's half-shod. Midnight used to be staying up late for me on weekdays, but it became 1 am or 2 am during the pandemic. I felt so stressed and wanted downtime--"me" time. Some nights I waited until 3 or 4 am.

I know lots of other parents stay up later for "me" time too. I totally get it. It feels so blissful to do housework, homework, or hobbies during this time with no interruptions. Maybe other parents fall into a pattern of procrastinating at bedtime because you don't want to face another difficult day too. Just one more hour of silence, please.

Revenge Procrastination

“Revenge bedtime procrastination” describes the decision to sacrifice sleep for leisure time that is driven by a daily schedule lacking in free time.

-Eric Suni on Sleep Foundation website

So I have been working on sleep hygiene for years, but it hasn't been as critical before having kids (BTW, bipolar and PTSD affect my sleep too). I could make my own work or school schedule when single. My revenge procrastination has also contributed to considerable weight gain. Last September I finally contacted a health trainer who is now specializing in helping moms. We've set small goals that I can be successful at. It helps on and off, but I am making some progress.

I had also been discussing a part-time job with my previous counselor. She thought it would help me revamp my bedtime. After all, we've been working on my sleep hygiene for five years. I started applying for jobs three months ago.

A Small Responsibility: a New Job

This has been a catch-22 for me if I have a responsibility in the morning. When I have multiple appointments, I can stress for several hours at night. I try to keep the stress at bay by "relaxing" more. This is the ultimate procrastination revenge.

But some small responsibilities have encouraged me to seek rest at an earlier time. Before the pandemic, I had to get my son on the bus in the morning. I still skirted the edge of a good bedtime--7-8 hours before I have to wake last minute--but I did it. When my husband switched to remote work, I knew I didn't have to take children to the bus or to school. Thus, my sleep habits worsened.

As hinted above, I started a new job outside my home beginning of this year. Now I am retiring two to three hours earlier because I am accountable to someone else. I know I need to function to perform my work duties. And I am "rewarded" with a paycheck. Perhaps, a reward may motivate you too.

Having a job may not work for some parents. It depends on the work hours and the work atmosphere. I looked for a part-time job so I still had downtime for other parts of the day. I still have time for my kids too. Personally, a full-time job would increase my anxiety since I would be away from my family longer.

Now my husband reports he has seen me more since I began working part-time. I wake in the morning and help with preparing our sons for school. I am also awake in the evenings.

I also found I retire earlier when I have an activity to look forward to. For example, when I scheduled my physical therapy appointments in the morning, I retired slightly earlier. I know I have pain relief coming. Additionally, I look forward to socializing with others at work and having tasks that end, unlike housework.

A New Bed

"By the end there, I was barely hanging on."

-My husband's description of dozing with me on a queen bed

Last year my lower back hurt so much I couldn't sleep at night. This created a cycle of pain preventing sleep and sleep deprivation increasing sensitivity to pain. So I looked for some solutions to sleep. My brother suggested a two-sided body pillow for side sleepers. I ordered one and it helped relieve some pain.

Additionally, my husband and I needed a new bed after tossing and turning on our queen bed for several years. I sprawled across most of the bed and hogged the covers, so my husband felt colder and scrunched on 1/3 of the bed. (My husband corrected me when he read this section: he had "1/5 of the bed".)

We settled on a king-size Serta memory foam mattress with cooling "technology". Now both my husband and I sink into the memory foam with room to spare. The memory foam (plus physical therapy and stretching) has almost erased my lower back pain. Now I rarely need the body pillow and I can stand for more than an hour. I also look forward to my mattress keeping me cool during the summer months.

So what is useful to look for in a mattress to improve your sleep? For me, it came down to size, firmness, pain relief, and my sleeping position. Other factors may include allergy prevention or a partner's different needs. For example, one couple I know have different sleeping preferences, so they chose a sleep number bed.

For a guide to buying a mattress, check out this article by Good Housekeeping.

I Never Regret Retiring Early

Children may complain about an early bedtime, but I've rarely heard any adult regretting going to bed early. Have you? Last Fall, I had the realization that I have never regretted going to bed early. The moment I hit the pillow, I only regret staying up later and wonder why I avoided my soft bed and firm pillow so long.

After writing about sleep, now I want to fall asleep. Are you ready for a good night's rest too?

If you enjoyed this article, please consider tipping or pledging so I can pay off my new bed. Or you can keep your money for your new bed.

Dear Brother Wright, Thank You for Listening to a Teenager

Dear Brother Frank Wright,

One overcast Friday in '95 or '96 I knocked on your creaky door and you answered, hands on your walker. I told you who I was and who my parents were. I had seen you at church on occasion, but you couldn't always attend because you were unable to navigate the stairs of the South Chapel (dubbed Blanding Tabernacle). I knew of you from your son and his wife, who "home taught" my family. I called you Brother Wright because that was the sign of respect used in my Mormon pioneer hometown.

I don't know if you knew what would happen for the next few years of your Friday afternoons from that first day. Truly I took a chance that you weren't some "creepy old man" like a few others I met in my adulthood. That never entered my mind, which may have stopped me from knocking on your door. You also took a chance on me.

Instead, you were a patient and loving old man. You treated me with kindness, listened to my weekly woes, let me borrow your books, and told me some about your week. Occasionally I asked about your history, but most of it didn't sink into my teenage mind. You and many others had built the town of Blanding. I believe you built your own home. Now I wonder what buildings you or your ancestors built.

I walked northwest (view outside my side door, but facing NE) to Br. Wright's house (Photo by Author)

In the late 90s, there were no smartphones, so I don't think I ever took a picture of you. I didn't capture your blue eyes, often clouded with cataracts, or your wrinkly face and bald head. It cost a lot of money to buy a disposable camera and develop the prints. Instead, we had time not interrupted by electronics, since you turned off your blaring TV when I came in. However, two electronic devices often interrupted when working improperly--your hearing aids. The high-pitched squeals pierced my eardrums until you adjusted them to the right level. Then I yelled during our conversations so you could hear me. I had to repeat myself several times.

I think I talked with you about many teenage things and occasionally about your past. You encouraged me to share about my week before we moved on to your week. Sometimes we discussed San Juan County history or politics in general. I still didn't know the full breadth of your contribution to Blanding. Also, I wonder if I ever mentioned Bill Clinton, one of the real creepy old men.

I look back and I wish I had asked more about the past. I was more interested in American history, Joan of Arc, and the Roman siege of Masada. Maybe now that I'm older the past is more appealing because I have lost my grandparents' connection to the past. They had so much history that I never discovered. How much history did I not discover from you? Admittedly, it would have been hard with your hearing impairment.

My Gerald Lund Book Collection (Photo by Author)

Because you wanted to share history, you let me borrow some of your historical fiction books, which I couldn't get my hands on at the local library. I remember Gerald Lund's Work and the Glory series that you let me borrow most of all. I felt so bad when I left a carrot stain on a page, but you waved it off. You weren't worried about it. Instead, you discussed the book with me.

Later, I became acquainted with your daughter who built a blue module house in your large garden. She'd lived in Arizona before. She and your sons shared their appreciation that I visited you weekly. I felt blessed having shared that time with you too. I could talk to you about random things and you listened (though you may not have heard).

I struggled when you were sick enough that you needed to be closer to specialty doctors 250 miles "up North" (Utah County). I was busier with high school, but I missed you. One time my mom and I visited you at your granddaughter's home up North. Sadly, you weren't as coherent and you tired easily. I talked more with your daughter and granddaughter than you. After you retired, we women admired a freehand vine painting on the wall.

The dynamic changed because you now resided in a hospital or nursing home for the remainder of your 90s. I visited infrequently at the nursing home. I struggled--because you struggled to communicate. Everything smelled like urine and cleaner, which reminded me of visiting my grandpa in the hospital. It was just hard. Our visits only lasted a few minutes. Soon your great-granddaughter moved into your home, so your white stucco home no longer welcomed me in the same way. After all, you weren't there.

After I left to attend BYU, my mom told me you had passed away. I wish I could have said goodbye one last time. I wish I could have attended your funeral. Instead, I was stuck doing schoolwork. But you were proud of how well I performed in high school and junior college; you would have understood.

In your final years, your children and grandchildren befriended me. After I married, I still felt your hand in my life. Five hundred miles north of Blanding, I occasionally ran into your daughter and granddaughter. We talked of visiting more, but it never happened. I regret it, but I also know I was a busy new mom.

Now your legacy lasts when I share my used set of Work and the Glory books with my children. I have that set to teach my children of Mormon Pioneer history, which we had shared together. My oldest son said he read them. My children stain my books, which I can accept graciously from your gracious example. (Though, I still won't let my kids touch my new Chinese history books.)

I hope my children encounter similar kind old gentlemen like you. I'm trying to raise them to be kind gentlemen like you, though I worry often when I hear their occasional fights. Well, my boys open doors for others, so they must be learning some kindness. Luckily, they have good grandparents and kind great-grandparents who they had a brief time to know.

At times I still miss you. And miss so many other "grandparents" in my life. I want to pick your brain and their brains again. I asked my family for more details about you and searched for you online. Apparently, you were a mechanic and river raft guide in Southern Utah and Northern Arizona before the Colorado River was dammed in multiple places. I catch glimpses of you and your wife Dora (who I never met) in several photo archives. I see I only knew part of you, but then you lived 99 years!

One day I will see you again, Brother Wright. Then we can chat without squeaky hearing aids interrupting us.

Sincerely,

Sister Eileen Mellor Davis

Links to Frank Wright photos and letters:

Utah River Running Photo Archives

"J. Frank Wright. Blanding, Utah. At end of Glen Canyon trip of 1951, May 11-17. Lees Ferry." Dudziak, Joseph Lawrence. Papers of Otis R. Marston: Still images, 1870-1978. The Huntington Library, San Marino, California.

Letter from Dora and J. Frank Wright to Eliot Porter

Photo of J. Frank Wright and the boat "Andy"

How the Grinch Stole Thanksgiving

Photo by Author

Music Schpiel

I really think the Grinch stole Thanksgiving and replaced it with Halloween hoopla and early Christmas decorating. Of course, I may be a grinch because I am annoyed with the blaring Christmas music on the radio. It starts November 1 and goes until New Year's. I can't find pop, soft rock, or rock-n-roll on any station. Only the rowdy "Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer" and "Here Comes Santa Claus". Probably the music, in general, turns me off, which is why I prefer only five weeks. We miss out on grateful songs like "For the Beauty of the Earth" or "Thankful" by Kelly Clarkson. Then maybe we can move into the more mellow spirituals, like Amy Grant's 1992 Christmas album, mixed with the rowdy songs after Black Friday.

Spending Time Together

I remember Thanksgivings of visiting with aunts, uncles, and cousins. One cousin and I played board games for hours. Of course, her brother and my brother hogged the Nintendo 64, so we could never play on that. Thanksgiving seemed magical too when I only had to peel a few potatoes and set the table. As an adult and mother, Thanksgiving has less "magical" appeal but is still a grateful time to gather with family. (By the way, THANK YOU to my parents and extended family who hosted Thanksgiving dinner for many years.)

When we rush into Christmas planning shopping, I believe we neglect the calm moments with family and friends.

As a teenager, I overlooked the importance of family to participate in high school plays. In my Freshman year, the school play called for a set of triplets. The student director cast my two redheaded, freckled, scrawny classmates and me as the triplets, but the schedule ran through Thanksgiving week. After I announced I had the part, my mom was not happy. As the high school assistant librarian, my mom knew how stubborn the drama teacher could be. She never budged on the three performances Thanksgiving week, particularly Wednesday night before Thanksgiving, despite students and parents asking her to. After all, Wednesday night constituted the largest audience since many extended families returned to rural Blanding. However, my older siblings and extended family lived in Northern Utah, Idaho, and Arizona--all 5-10 hours away.

In the end, my parents accommodated their plans for me and we left Thursday morning. But my immediate family and I missed extra time with my older siblings and extended family. I hope I thanked my parents. Now I wonder if it was fair my drama teacher demanded those around her accommodate their plans to hers, or that I insisted on being in the play.

The Benefits of Gratitude

But there is no medication or operation that can fix the many spiritual woes and maladies that we face.

There is, however, a remedy — one that may seem surprising — because it flies in the face of our natural intuitions. Nevertheless, its effects have been validated by scientists as well as men and women of faith.

I am referring to the healing power of gratitude.

-Russell M. Nelson

Personally, I found healing power myself in expressing gratitude. Several years ago, I wrote "three good things" in my journal almost nightly after I learned of it in a women's support group. This act of expressing gratitude helped me overcome some depression and love my family more.

After Russell M. Nelson's broadcast on November 20, 2020, many friends and family took his challenge to express gratitude on social media. Many of us felt a sense of unity when we couldn't physically gather. Some close high school friends and I chatted over Zoom, which buoyed our spirits. It also healed a lot of bitter feelings for me after the contentious 2020 election.

So I repeat, we need Thanksgiving this week and beyond.

Don't let the grinch steal your Thanksgiving this year.

A Meeting and Munchkin Remix

My son playing with my phone

 Crying babies are like good intentions: Both should be carried out immediately!

-Brigham Young



Inside the meeting

In overflow seating

One baby will bawl

Brothers will brawl

 

One smile, one glare

One laugh, one stare

One hand on hips

One finger on lips

 

Quiet “Shh”, resounding “Shh”

“How cute!” “How loud!”

 

Parent and child

Willing or shamed

Set free or exiled

Hidden tears tamed

 

Outside the meeting

Inside the hall

Limited seating

Begins the sprawl:

 

Babies bawling, toddlers crawling, teens appalling, adults stalling

 

Some feel afraid

To offer parents aid

Some advice filed

Or compare their child

 

“Do this” “Do that” “My child never…” “Can I help?”

 

So many voices

So many choices

 

Give up? Lecture? Walk the hall? Intimidate? Comfort? Hug? Or force still?

 

A myriad felt

Heartache, guilt

Uncertainty, fear

Laughter or cheer

 

God knows: no one knows