COVID-19: Letting Fear Dictate Instead of Love

This article is my opinion and contains my beliefs. Beliefs and opinions shared freely and respectfully open understanding and promote good policy. Some of you may disagree with this essay, yet we can disagree agreeably.

Our amygdala, or lizard brain, acts on survival, which often reduces to fear as motivation. It requires more thought to act from nobler motivations. During the COVID-19 panic, many people and governments are acting out of fear instead of hope and love. Acting from fear poses problems to our well-being and freedoms.

As the world faces the novel coronavirus pandemic, governments feel it necessary to deny their citizens of inalienable rights. Some countries may not recognize all of these natural rights. The crux is that governments are forcing their citizens into certain actions instead of educating them to make wise choices. Many citizens will follow guidelines voluntarily, if given the opportunity. The government is there to serve individuals and families, not the other way around.

Serving in Love

Love respects everyone’s free will. Loving others and providing hope brings about greater and more lasting change than fear tactics. When we love each other, we teach and persuade one another with patience and kindness. Love maintains natural boundaries that have good or bad consequences depending on our actions. We have commandments to guide us in making just laws and just rules. Some people will defy the rules and will need correction. The correction shouldn’t be harsher than the crime.

Often our love usually encompasses our friends and family. As time goes on, we learn to love others, including our enemies. We also need to love ourselves with the same love and understanding we would give our friends and vice versa.

During this time, we can show love for ourselves through personal hygiene, adequate rest, and exercise. We can follow the advice of our health departments and governments to prevent disease from spreading to friends, family, acquaintances, strangers, and enemies. Our motivation to follow the guidelines can be from love and hope, which is stronger than fear.

How can governments show hope and love?

Governments can give guidelines for citizens to follow. They educate their citizens to empower them. They can quarantine those who are sick in compassionate ways. They can respect our free will on which our inalienable rights are based. No one’s freedom of speech, freedom of the press, freedom of assembly, freedom of religion, or other freedoms should be denied. Governments are welcome to put advisories on limiting group sizes and shelter-in-place.

Businesses, churches, and other organizations would be wise to follow practical health guidelines during this time. They can modify their services to online, delivery, or take out. Private individuals and organizations can deny anyone to enter their property as a boundary— it’s their space. Many religious organizations have transferred their services online or to home meetings.

Types of Fear

There are several types of fear during the COVID-19 pandemic. People and governments may feel or be acting from fear of a damaged reputation, fear of suffering and death, fear for their loved ones’ health, or fear of threats and punishment.

Fear of a Damaged Reputation

The accelerated spread of COVID-19 stems from the Wuhan, Hubei province, China police afraid of damaging the reputation of China. Dr. Li Wenliang first warned the Chinese people of COVID-19 on December 30, 2019, but the Wuhan police forced him to recant his statement as false. The police violated Dr. Li’s freedom of speech. As a result, the Chinese public didn’t have the proper information to prevent or slow down the spread of the disease for three weeks.

Officials waited until January 20, 2020 to warn the Chinese public and take action. The motivations for preventive measures still originated from the fear of a damaged reputation. They forcefully shut down travel in or out of Wuhan on January 23, 2020. The government officials and media touted their responsibility about the forceful tactics against their people. They forced the people to stay inside, wear masks, have mandatory temperature checks, or not to gather in groups.

The government violated their people’s right to freedom of assembly and movement through these measures. The Chinese government is not the only culprit. Other governments have forced some of these same measures around the world.

Some individuals and groups around the world only take preventive measures because they fear the damage to their reputation. They don’t want to be seen as “hating” the young, immunocompromised, and elderly. They fear others will shame them. They fear that people will label them as ableist, ageist, and so on. The fear is real because of the shame and cancel culture. People run the risk of losing friends, fans, money, or their jobs. So let’s stop shaming others and motivate others through love.

Shame and Blame Culture

The last decade has seen a rise in shaming others in person and online to produce desired results. This passive-aggressive manipulation often derives from selfishness.

Some people want to be seen as pedestals of virtue, so they shame others to create the effect of virtue. Yet this is not a virtuous act; it is a selfish act. It is for self-preservation.

Selfishness disguises itself as love in these situations. You can tell it is from selfishness if someone shames you, unfriends you, or tries to force you into action. True love never forces others. True love respects another person’s free will. Others act from selfishness because they do not want themselves or their loved ones to suffer or die.

The vaccination debate is a perfect example of the shame and blame culture. People call these parents stupid for not vaccinating themselves or their children. These people are also considered a physical threat as disease carriers. People cease to see them as human.

Naturally, none of us want to see babies, the immunocomprised, or the elderly suffer or die from preventable diseases. We want to stop the suffering. The answer is so simple: widespread vaccination.

But the answer isn’t so simple because we have to force parents to vaccinate their children. Or vaccinate children without the parents’ permission. We want to trample on free will in the name of public health. But we need to respect that parent’s choice.

There are risks involved with vaccinations, though rare and most are minor. I believe the benefits far outweigh the risks, which is why my children and I are vaccinated.

Many of these anti-vax parents are just as concerned about their children’s health. Calling them names only alienates these parents. They only want to be understood. Empathy and education about vaccinations will touch these parents’ hearts much faster than name calling and shaming.

Sometimes, we have to accept that matters like this our beyond our control. We can only control our own choices. Otherwise, matters are within our circles of influence.

Fear of Personal Suffering

Our lizard brain acts on self-preservation. We want to feel comfortable and free from pain and suffering. The thought of suffering causes us to curl up in our shell and not reach out to others. We only protect the core group. For example, Florida governor Ron DeSantis refused to let two ships, Zaandam and Rotterdam, with COVID-19 victims dock in Ft. Lauderdale because he didn’t want foreign nationals clogging up the healthcare system. There were people suffering and four died from COVID-19 on the Zaandam. Multiple South American countries had already refused them. President Trump intervened and begged for Ron DeSantis to let them in. The governor reversed his decision, but claimed he didn’t know U.S. citizens, including Floridians, were on board. So basically, only Floridians are worth saving — not anyone else.

Essentially, this fear is often selfish where we put blinders on human suffering. It only matters if it is ourselves or someone we know who is suffering or dying.

Conversely, this applies to healthy people who flout reasonable guidelines. People may reason that it is okay to not follow the guidelines since they and their loved ones aren’t sick. They suppose nothing will happen to them.

Fear of Threats or Punishment

Governments are using threats and punishment to control citizens’ behavior. They instill fear of punishment instead of educational guidelines. Some citizens only follow the rules because they fear they will be fined or jailed. Why not instill love for your fellow humans? Governments are restricting their citizens’ inalienable rights in order to do this. Mostly, the freedom of assembly. Group sizes are limited to ten or one hundred or some other random number. No person agrees on the exact number. It just keeps getting smaller. Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer has stated that there should be no gatherings with rare exceptions (along with no buying seeds or plants; really?).

In mid-March, the Utah County and Salt Lake County health departments declared that people in gatherings of ten and over would be charged with a criminal offense. Apparently, families with ten or more people would get a Class B misdemeanor, fined $1000 or six months of jail time. While this isn’t true, it could be mistaken to be true. People joked that they would have to send some of their children to live in the backyard as a result. Governor Gary Herbert clarified that this was a recommendation, not a prohibition. Governor Herbert hoped people would follow the gathering recommendations voluntarily.

Fear of Death

Our base instinct is to survive. Therefore, our lizard brain usually fears death. We will go to extreme measures to avoid death. Some people are unwilling to live because of their fear of death. This is unhealthy. Life involves risk to enjoy it.

Basically, we can’t accept our own vulnerability and fragility. Yes, we can die at any minute. And it’s okay. Death is normal part of life. We have been sheltered for so long from extreme disease and frequent death, that some overreact when there is a chance of disease spreading or death. Our parents and grandparents lived in fear of deadly and debilitating illnesses, such as polio. Some died, some became disabled, and others survived with little effect. But they didn’t restrict people’s rights to prevent disease. They looked for solutions — such as vaccinations.

Some solutions included gatherings to catch diseases all at one time. These gatherings were meant to create a controlled atmosphere. People tried to get the disease when their bodies could best recover from it. For example, my friend would visit people’s houses who had chicken pox. She and her parents hoped she would get the chicken pox before it could kill her during her advanced years.

Fear for Loved Ones’ Suffering or Death

There is a real fear of seeing our loved ones suffering or dying. It is excruciating. The fear is even greater right now because hospitals won’t let any visitors come in. There are limits on how many people can attend a funeral. It is horrible that we can’t be there to help our loved ones as they suffer or may die. This creates even greater grief than normal. We can’t mentally process death as easily.

I have had a fear of my children dying. I remember a blessing my second son received that he would not die from an illness. I was grateful. Yet that wasn’t the case for all my children. My third son accidentally strangled himself with a jump rope on our slide. Somehow the jump rope had caught around the playhouse window and looped around his neck. The jump rope was never tied to the slide, but people making comments online thought the jump rope was tied to the swing set. My son’s strangulation was a random accident.

I died inside as I saw his blue and lifeless body. The ligature marks on his neck stood out in blue.

My husband revived our son. We lived in fear of brain damage for two days while he was intubated and kept cool. Because of God’s grace and competent medical staff, my son had no lasting damage.

For months, I lived in fear of jump ropes, plastic bags, cords, and letting my sons play outside. I have talked through some of that fear during counseling sessions. I don’t think I will ever get over my fear of jump ropes. I will never buy one or let my family own one again, but I am not taking away anyone’s jump ropes as a result. I’ve tried to take that suffering and pain to empathize with others. My friendships strengthened with my neighbors, family, and community.

Fear of my children’s suffering and death paralyzes me at times. I try to remember that life is only enjoyed when we live outside the bubble. I can let my children play outside. If death does come knocking again, I have my support system.

We can make it through this COVID-19 pandemic as long as we bind ourselves together in love. We can be each other’s support system. We can do this.

Benefits of Staying Up Late

Many nights, I binge watch, read, or play Scrabble on my phone until the wee hours of the morning. I want to finish the plot of the story line. Or my mind races with thoughts of grandeur. Generally, I have an all or nothing attitude when it comes to staying up late. It is SO healthy, I know.

The first benefit of staying up late is that I have time alone in a household of four rambunctious boys. It can be very loud in my house during the day. I am in 1590 square feet of space full of toys, boys, and noise. I need an hour or two of silence at night. Being the youngest child, I became used to silence. The problem is staying awake beyond an hour of two of silence.

The second benefit of staying up late is the brain function.  First comes the headaches. Then comes the feeling of decreased decision making. For example, my boys watch the game show Awake on Netflix where contestants are awake over 24 hours and they perform poorly. After 72 hours of sleep deprivation, people are certifiably mentally ill.

The third benefit of late nights is gazing at the stars. I grew up in Southeastern Utah where I could see the Milky Way in all its glory. The night is so crystal clear in the rural desert. When I look at the stars, I feel connected to my Creator.

Via Public Domain Photos

The fourth benefit of late nights includes enjoying more food. I increase my calorie intake by at least one extra meal. This leads to the overall weight gain. The issue is mindless eating and making poor food choices the next day.

I know the roots of my addiction and much of it has to do with bipolar too. I have stayed up late since I was eight or nine-years-old. It began on weekends when I would read a book late. But I would sleep regularly the rest of the week. As a teenager, I knew I could stay up late reading books or watching TV over the weekends or school breaks. I often did when I had no schedule. I carried this mentality into college of late-night weekends. When I worked and went to school, I only had one day a week I could stay up late. As a stay-at-home-mom, my hours are more flexible, but I have greater stress. I turn to staying up late to "cope" with stress. I have times I reset to a better sleep schedule.

It has been more difficult since last March when my third son accidentally strangled himself and my husband revived him. (My third son fully recovered.) My husband, the older boys, and I have PTSD from the event. I have "coped" more with food and staying up late. We all have had individual counseling. Other events have upset my equilibrium as well.

Bipolar makes it harder to change addictions because it is more difficult to focus on a habit long term. That is a difficulty with losing weight. I have two separate "personalities" from day to night. I can be a planner for an hour until my impulsive side kicks in. Then I am ready to just go get it done. It can drive my husband nuts sometimes because he is likes to think about purchases for a long time.

Obviously, the benefits of late nights have consequences. I continue to work on my mental and physical health with mixed results. One day I will go to sleep before midnight.

*I write about this hoping that someone else can benefit from my mistakes. That they can improve where I am trying to improve too. I hope others can gain insight into why their loved ones might be so stuck in their addiction and maybe find a way to empathize or know how to help.

My First Big Utah Earthquake

I have lived in Utah for most of my life and only felt tiny tremors that I usually associate with dynamite blasts. There is a military testing site nearby that can sometimes cause shaking in the house.

When I lived in Blanding, Utah as a preteen to young adult, I never noticed any earth tremors. I heard that there was an earthquake in 1905 from my Young Women’s leader. Her home had structural damage dating from then. It was cool to see a little bit of history.

I have lived in North Utah County for the last 9 years. I have felt tiny tremors that I thought might be earthquakes. But I never really knew until other people mentioned on Facebook that they were earthquakes. It really didn’t affect many at such low levels. A picture might fall.

Today felt different. It was a bigger earthquake than I ever felt before. I noted the time of 7:10 am after it ended. The earthquake took place at 7:09. I fell back asleep since I knew it probably wouldn’t be a big deal. None of the other tremors had been. I looked at the news when I woke up later.

It was a 5.7 earthquake four miles away from Magna, Utah. That’s the biggest earthquake Utah has had since 1992. I contacted my brother and parents who live closer to Magna in Salt Lake Valley. I asked if they were okay. My brother said they were okay. I was relieved. I doubted much would happen, but I didn’t know. My brother and parents used to live in Magna, Utah. I felt very glad that they moved away a few years ago.

Unfortunately, my husband’s relatives live closer. They had some minor damage, but still scary. I contacted his aunt to see if there was anything they needed. Right as we were texting, I felt an aftershock around 1:10. She said that she had been feeling aftershocks throughout the day.

I talked with my husband where he was during the morning earthquake. Apparently, he was on the bathroom throne. He felt very exposed and frightened. Being on the toilet, stuck with your pants down, would be a terrible place if the building fell.

On Facebook, I saw various neighbors, friends, and relatives reactions. Anyone from California shared their wisdom of surviving earthquakes. They gave useful advice while the rest of us are thinking of standing in doorways.

I feel like the earth is angry today. It is an odd feeling. I have never been in a natural disaster, so it feels weird. I wonder if Mother Earth has a message for us.

My family and I read from the Bible and the Book of Mormon. Natural disasters are mentioned as a sign of the times. Albeit, natural disasters have always happened. But this put in my mind prophets warning the people. In the Bible and the Book of Mormon, the narrators summarize how the natural disasters were a result of people’s sins. It made me think: Is this due to a sin? Are we sinning in Utah?

I thought of a possible warning:

Thus saith the Lord: Henceforth, cease from thy selfishness. Share with thy neighbor like unto thyself. In times of trouble, let everyone have their toilet paper.

My Husband and I Default to Masculine Nouns and Pronouns

While serving a Latter-day Saint mission in Uruguay, my husband chose a name for his first daughter before he met me. It was the Spanish feminine subject pronoun ella with the Uruguayan pronunciation of double l — aysha. Meanwhile, I roomed with his sister south of Brigham Young University campus.

After I came home early from my mission due to bipolar, my former roommate arranged for her brother and I to have a blind date. My husband and I married four months later. He shared his desire to name a girl Ella. The name sounded fine to me. I said let’s adopt a Chinese girl one day because I had taught English in China. Anything seemed possible.

Fifteen months after our marriage, we found out we were having a boy. We were stumped what to name him. More like what name to agree on. I had the name Edmund in mind from The Chronicles of Narnia, but my husband nixed that name. He had an annoying college classmate by the name Edmund, so naturally we couldn’t name our firstborn that. We asked other people for name ideas as weeks passed by. My maternal grandma mentioned two names that she liked. My husband and I didn’t dislike one name she suggested, which we both liked after awhile. So that’s what we named our son.

On our second pregnancy, we hoped for a girl still. We still had a name picked out. Perfect pronoun Ella. We felt some disappointment when we discovered the second was another boy. But there would be a third time to try.

Only now we had to choose another boy name. I liked the name Liam, but I wasn’t sure how different it was. I don’t remember my husband’s feelings about the name. We went for the easy naming strategy of family names. We shared a male family name on both sides of the family. Thus, we named our second-born after his two grandpas.

Officially, my husband and my default nouns and pronouns changed to “Boys!”, sons, he, and him. It wasn’t children or kids or they or them.

The third time is the charm.

That’s what the saying says. That’s what my husband hoped. That’s what I hoped, but I would be okay either way. My psychiatrist said that I should expect a boy and be surprised if it was a girl.

When the radiologist performed the ultrasound on our third child, she acted strangely. She announced it was a boy, but then she exited the room to consult with the doctor. My husband and I silently wept. Our oldest son was sad too. No girl. But I recovered quickly. I could tell something else was wrong when the doctor returned, which wasn’t procedure. The doctor showed us the baby’s left club foot and explained how treatable it was.

My husband and I cried more over the lost opportunity of a daughter than our son’s club foot. That was treatable, almost reversible. His club foot has required casting, minor surgeries, and orthotic shoes. But we wouldn’t trade our third for a daughter. He fits in perfectly.

At this point, my husband let me choose the name because he was out of ideas. I chose a friend’s brother’s name who was kind, smiled big, and teased. Somehow that seemed destined to be my son’s name. He smiles big and teases his brothers.

At a restaurant several years ago, my husband yelled “Boys! Boys! Boys!” to round them all up. Many looked at him strangely. My husband realized that they thought he could be calling any boys from any family. But our boys know our voices. They sometimes respond to our calls — selective hearing (or fluid in their ears).

Friends, relatives, and strangers asked if my husband and I would try a fourth time for a girl. I wondered if the fourth time could be the charm. It had been for my family’s history. My paternal grandma had my aunt after three boys and my sister had my first niece after my first three nephews.

On my fourth pregnancy ultrasound, I recognized the anatomy of a boy before the radiologist announced what the gender was. My husband felt some disappointment. I felt fine with another boy. It is what I was used to. My oldest two sons were disappointed.

I wanted to name our son after my uncle and use the nickname that sounds like a girl’s name. I fell in love with the name from a children’s book too. But my husband didn’t like it for the first name. So I mentally searched more family names. My great uncle’s real name sounded good — not his nickname. My husband approved that name with my other uncle’s name as the middle name.

After my son was born, receptionists said “she” at doctor’s offices when they called for my son. I cringed. I had chosen a boy name. I went to the library and a mother called for her child with my son’s same name— but a girl. No! This was a classic boy name for hundreds of years and suddenly it had been co-opted as a girl’s name. Then I realized that I knew of a girl in her teens named that. Had I subconsciously named my son a girl name? Well, an androgynous name.

“Boys!” became a louder noun as my husband and I yell over the chaos of four male children. Our boys occasionally bring home female friends. Usually, it’s more male friends. More boys. Boys. Boys. More noise. Noise. Noise.

I am surrounded by testosterone as my boys come closer to teenage-hood. I feel outnumbered. I am the only she/her among the he/hims. Other boy moms and I bond together in unity. We understand the chaos of boys, but the world of girls seems foreign. Some of us still yearn for a girl. Some of us have accepted our fate. We enjoy boys. All children have their challenges at different ages.

Yet a neighbor family recently had a girl after four boys. Our realtors tease us about having a fifth child to have a girl. They are an older couple who had four boys and their fifth child was a girl. The fifth time could be the charm. But then I see my former mission companion having her sixth boy and a fellow boy mom having a fifth boy.

It is all a game of chance.

If my husband and I ever roll again, we just have to bet on a boy.

My Thoughts on Impeachment

As a sophomore in high school 21 years ago, we were assigned to write a persuasive essay over Christmas Break. I stayed at my cousin’s grandparent’s turn-of-the-century home while on vacation. The light flooded through their parlor windows on the piano and on my fingers as I revised and rewrote my essay. I chose to write about the importance of having righteous leaders in our country and when to oust them as leaders. I used scripture references from The Book of Mormon where King Mosiah instructs his people on setting up a representative democracy.

Via Public Domain Photos

My parents watched the Clinton impeachment hearings almost every day. When I visited my parents recently, the Senate impeachment hearing was on the background while my parents, brother and I talked. Twenty-one years ago and now, we had discussions about the freedom of our country and the role of the President. I imbued those values in my writing and speaking. I lost that persuasive essay from 21 years ago, but I still have one poem.

To the Senate

I hope with all my heart
Each one will do their part —
With courage stand tall
And make the giant fall.

I hope they won’t take light
The judgment for not doing right.
Why do they cower
Now at the eleventh hour?

Why do they not defend
Truth to the very end?
Why do they fuel the battery
Of the giant’s flattery.

I compare Bill Clinton’s actions to Donald Trump’s actions now to evaluate whether we should oust one President or not. Bill Clinton and Donald Trump are both womanizers, but Bill Clinton raped women and lied about it. He was impeached because he lied and obstructed justice about his actions toward Monica Lewinsky and Paula Flowers. Donald Trump paid for prostitutes, but it was between two consenting adults. I imagine Trump could easily be convicted for sexual harassment on multiple charges.

Bill Clinton is a slippery man and a flatterer. Donald Trump is an arrogant jerk. Trump purposefully pushes peoples buttons in obvious ways. I believe if people ignored him, some of his poor behavior would go away. Is he a good president? Sometimes he accomplishes good things depending on who you talk to. I appreciate that the economy has improved under Donald Trump’s presidency. Personally, I think some of his actions — or inaction — has been good. But he can be nasty too.

Do I think Donald Trump should be outed as President?

I believe he has overstepped some of his bounds as far as power goes. Maybe not purposefully, but because he is brash. He isn’t one for formal rules. I believe he abuses power when it suits his purposes. But I don’t think it would be useful to impeach him. There is only one year left in his presidency. I would prefer Mike Pence over Donald Trump.

I trust Trump will act in his self-interest; thus, he will be predictable. He acts rashly on Twitter with no filter, but he is a strategist.

I won’t vote for Donald Trump in the next election. Either major party — give us a morally decent centrist candidate. Anyone who follows the Constitution and Bill of Rights. I will probably vote libertarian or some third party candidate.

No One Has Privilege When We Pull Each Other Down

I hear of males having privilege or females having privilege. The whites have privilege or blacks have privilege. In the intersectional hierarchy, white males have the ultimate privilege. But you go down and people of color, LGBTQ, and women don't have privilege. You talk to others that say that women have more privileges than men now because they are in the majority attending college and so forth.

Who really has the privilege? No one, yet everyone.

Via Public Domain Photos

My high school Spanish teacher taught us a life lesson he learned on the beach in Mexico from a man catching crabs. The teacher asked the man why he didn't cover the bucket of crabs. Surely, the crabs would escape. No, he reassured him, the crabs pull each other down.

We are all crabs in a bucket trying to get out, only we are pulling the other crab's legs in our struggle to climb the ladder.

I believe that sometimes men have advantages and sometimes women have advantages. Sometimes, white skin has advantages, but sometimes black skin has advantages. Historically, black skin in America most often meant slavery or subhuman treatment. Sometimes, being a minority helps a person land a job or a scholarship. But being a minority also might mean getting your braids whipped by a TSA agent.

Occasionally, I felt at a disadvantage in China with white skin and being a tourist. I was charged more at times and whispered about some. I was told not to look "poor" by the school I volunteered at when I crocheted blankets on a trip. I was supposed to be the "rich American." Well, I was a poor American then. My white skin has advantages in the US for not being profiled for crime.

Man versus woman plays out in the courtroom so often with rape claims, sexual harassment claims and divorces. Generally, men have a physical advantage over women. Some men physically or emotionally abuse their girlfriends or wives and children. On the other hand, some women physically or emotionally abuse their boyfriends or wives and children. There is also legal abuse that is a huge problem. We have false accusations that tarnish reputations of men or women. These come with restraining orders and child custody battles. Fathers or mothers sometimes won't see their children for years. Depending on which gender you favor most, the legal, religious, and social leaders tend to side with that person and defend with that man or woman to the end. I watch cases where it doesn't matter what the truth is: only ideology matters.

I really hope people look at their biases clearly here with who is right or wrong. Sometimes, we feel that a woman is weaker and has been trampled on by her abusive husband. Other times, we look at the man and feel he has been nagged to death by his wife. But are we really looking at the truth? Sometimes one or both parties is lying. We need to do our best to discern truth from error. Nevertheless, in a breakup situation, both need love. Both need help within the necessary boundaries people can give.

Ultimately, evil and pride are what prevails in winning the battle in a fallen world at times. It is what destroys individuals, marriages, families, and nations. It is the pitting of one group against another based on some characteristic such as gender, race, nationality, and so on. Satan or the humanistic tendency toward pride and chaos causes the divisions among us. Paul stated "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus." Our differences are fine as long as we don't use them as a tool to divide one another.

Fear Blocking Truth

Via Public Domain Photos

Last year I had applied to two linguistic MA programs, which had been my dream to be accepted for over a decade. When I was not accepted, I asked for the reasons why from one school: my GRE essay score was too low and my thesis topic was not a fit for the school. The school had an unusual number of applicants last year too.

I felt the logical steps were to pick a topic that faculty has some specialties in and retake the GRE. So I formed an idea of a second language acquisition project based on peer learning. I would start making a peer-to-peer website that people can match with each other to play games to learn language with each other. I started my TESOL certificate and beginning programming with this goal in mind. I am signed up to continue these online classes. I have some passion for this idea because I would love to make quality, free peer learning available worldwide.

But my passion isn't necessarily all in this area of linguistics. I wrote a focused draft of my statement of intent about peer learning and second language acquisition. I sent this to a professor and my idea to another professor. These professors suggested I look into different majors of TESOL and Second Language Teaching because of my focused idea. I felt defensive because I wanted linguistics. I wanted to learn about phonetics, spelling, comparative/historical linguistics, poetics, philology, and language acquisition. But I hadn't communicated that to them. I had lied to them and to myself. So they gave me suggestions based on my lies. I had been afraid of being rejected a second time from the linguistics MA. I sent emails back to them explaining my fear and lie to myself and them.

I feel like an idiot, but I am only human. I never felt like I was lying because I felt I was acting logically. I am recognizing that I was acting out of fear. Fear is not a good place to act from because it brings poor results. I am working on a new statement of intent that better reflects my general interest in linguistics. I can still have the same tentative Master's project, maybe.

By the way, I retook the GRE and scored one point higher on the essay score out of six points. I have an almost average essay score, so it's significantly better than before. Much more focused.

Whatever the future brings will be fine.