It's a Blessing to Be a Burden

 In my downward spiral, I felt I was only a burden. But I learned differently.

Photo by Sung Jin Cho on Unsplash

At some point, most of us feel like we are a burden to others. When we struggle mentally, emotionally, or physically, we may feel like a burden because we require additional care. We cannot fulfill all of our physical and emotional needs without assistance. It’s oh-so frustrating to rely on others for our basic needs. This summer I struggled with additional anxiety and feeling like a burden too.

My Experience of Feeling Like a Burden

In the spring, I started medication to help me manage my weight like many other individuals. One prescribed medication was a stimulant that could exacerbate my bipolar and anxiety. At first, I took a small dose of the stimulant and only experienced some anxiety as a side effect. My weight and blood pressure went down. My doctor said I could experiment with a larger dose. I varied between a full dose and half-dose to find a balance, yet my anxiety still increased.

Some paranoia appeared. I worried certain friends had abandoned me because some hadn’t responded to my messages. I felt like I was too much of a burden to respond to. Logically, I knew they were busy, but emotionally, I felt they had abandoned me. On the other hand, I felt like such a flake because I canceled on two other friends because I was tired. I tried to push through the paranoia and anxiety because I had results with physically feeling better.

On Father’s Day weekend, I took the stimulant too late in the day and slept poorly. On Monday, I was switching the laundry over when my husband suddenly announced he had to go into the office because of our boys’ loudness. My sleep-deprived brain flipped. I pleaded to my husband I needed a nap. At first, I cried. Then my brain spiraled down to the thought I was a burden to my husband; therefore, I must not exist. I self-harmed and my husband restrained me. I still struggled because he still might have gone to the office. After all, the boys are usually loud. My husband continued working from home. I tried napping, but I was too jittery from the medication. I reasoned no one loved me, God hated me, and I was a burden to my husband. Part of me knew my thinking was very skewed, yet the emotional pain and mental fog prevented reason. 

I slipped away from the house to disappear. I shut off my phone so my husband couldn’t locate or contact me. God had abandoned me. No one was looking for me. 

I kept hearing a boy yell “Mom!” I turned around on the path and no one appeared.

At the end of the trail, a young woman said “hi” to me. Maybe the universe cared about me, but then I could be wrong. No one had come to rescue me, unlike other times people had come to my rescue. I kept walking until I felt impressed one of my boys might be hurt looking for me. I returned home still angry and emotionally wrought. I saw my husband in the car. Once home, my husband said he and my oldest had been looking for me and called me. I still said God didn’t care for me because no one had noticed I was gone. No one had contacted me, though I usually contact my mom or siblings. Albeit, I turned off my phone. I cried, yelled, and rocked back and forth for a time. I calmed outwardly, but decided I would be a wooden puppet.

How do you react when you feel like extra weight to someone else?

Counseling Appointment

I debated going to my counselor appointment that evening. I attended. I broke down and my counselor employed some techniques to calm me. I knew this had to be a process she used. I still complained I was a burden and God didn’t care for me. 

She told me everyone is a burden to each other. That’s just a fact of life. 

That thought calmed me. I still felt upset with God. She said maybe God doesn’t exist. I recognized that calming myself mattered more than belief in order for me to stay alive. I could believe it when I had returned to a proper mindset. At the end of the session, I could look at my counselor for a few moments. She asked if I would be okay going home. I said yes.

How do you feel knowing that being a burden is a fact of life?

Aftershock

At home, I tried talking with my husband. I spiraled downward again, but not as severely. I blamed my husband for using me, and so on. I blamed God for someone not reaching out to me. I asked for a priesthood blessing. In the blessing, my husband voiced that angels would help me. I looked and no angels appeared. No one contacted me, but my son hugged me. The dog ignored me, but my husband hovered. No one called or texted me. Where were my angels? I had a test for God. He had to show me angels. Then I thought the angels may be my son and my husband. But they weren’t angels. They were just there to calm me down, so I’d make them regular meals.

Do you discount loved ones' efforts to help you sometimes? Why?

Only an Outside Angel Would Do

My sister texted me late that night. We texted then talked for hours. Then I felt like maybe an angel had come. My husband and son just didn’t count. They are angels, just too familiar angels for me to always recognize.

Do you have angels closer than you think? Do mortals count as angels?

The Paradox of Wanting Attention, But Not Wanting Attention

During the whole downward spiral, I didn’t want to reach out to anyone despite that it is my usual coping skill. Surely, they should know I needed help without my asking. The universe would tell them. I kept waiting. I wanted specific people to reach out in order for my prayer to count as answered.

I thought of posting on Facebook, but I often feel like I am begging for attention, or I am a burden. I struggle with the words of sympathy afterward. I think friends only respond to be nice or feel social pressure to do so. Some comment “Call me. Text me. Anytime.” My brain thinks, “why don’t you just, ‘Call me. Text me. Anytime’ before my plea?” Friends’ sincere reassurance feels futile because it is after my crisis and often only occurs when I draw attention to my distress. Sometimes, I am caught in the paradox of I don’t want attention, but I want it.

On the other hand, I only comment or call when I see someone struggling. I haven’t “been there” daily. I will bear your burden in an emergency yet the daily bearing of that burden feels overwhelming. After all, we have limits on how much we can do.

What reasons stop you from reaching out for help? Have you found a way to balance bearing another’s burdens while practicing self-care?

Follow-up

I made a primary care doctor appointment and stopped taking the stimulant. At the doctor’s office, the doctor told me to stop the medicine and he increased the dosage on another med. Eventually, I stopped all weight management medicine due to side effects. 

Mentally, I can open up about my burden now because it’s solved. My brain is thinking clearer. I still wonder about what to do for the next time when I don’t want to share my messy burden.

Do you make a plan for when you break down?

It’s a Blessing to Be a Burden

I tell myself, it is okay and normal to be a burden. I take on the burden of caring for my family because I love them. They take on my burdens because they love me. My friends and I reciprocate sharing our burdens and triumphs. Sometimes we have the strength to lift another. Other times we need someone to lift us. I hope many of us have the support system to bear one another’s burdens.

For all of our independence, we are an interdependent species. We depend on our parents or guardians as children. As adolescents, we depend more on ourselves and our peer group. As adults, we become as independent as our circumstances allow, yet we still need to rely on each other emotionally. In our weak moments, we can remember that we are each other’s angels. And if it helps, we can depend on God too.

Lehi High Chemistry Teacher Let Fear Turn into Bullying Some Students

Learning from this teacher’s mistakes, how can we channel our fear into positive outcomes?

Via Public Domain Photos

Scrolling through Facebook, a post mentioned chemistry teacher Leah Kinyon’s berating students on the first day of school. I searched through the news and my Facebook feed. Some parents on Facebook understandably called for her to be fired. After school on the first day, Alpine School District put the teacher on administrative leave. In the afternoon, the district announced she is no longer an employee (either fired or resigned).

After watching videos and reading comments, I determined Kinyon acted out of fear. She has let her fear of COVID-19, Trumpism, climate change, and anti-LGBTQIA sentiment turn into secondary anger toward others. Her anger manifested as intimidation, bullying, and name-calling toward some students and their parents for several years. Some parents and students feel fear from her actions too. In a way, Kinyon’s actions and the student’s actions represent how we all react to fear.

How can we address these fears in positive ways?

Summary

• Address fear of the pandemic to civil advocacy of your beliefs
• Apply the scientific method to parents’ beliefs
• Understand the fear LGBTQIA and their families face, and the fear on the other side. Understand that we can disagree agreeably about LGBTQIA issues and achieve a compromise of “fairness for all.”
• Recognize free will creates chaos in a democracy
• Address abuse with the offender and then authorities kindly and privately
• Strive to love those outside your circle

Coping with the Pandemic

Many of us fear the effects of COVID-19 and government policies, which fear may manifest as anger or despair. For Kinyon, she fears unvaccinated students passing the COVID variants to her and her family. She understands the suffering it has caused and feels frustrated others aren’t doing their part, just as we all feel about our “side”. 

In our fear, like Kinyon’s, we sometimes place blame on human “spreaders” for the suffering and death caused by the Covid-19 virus. We hate that we can’t control the virus because it isn’t a flesh and blood enemy to conquer. Instead, we dehumanize anyone not following our rules into the virus to retain our false sense of control. After all, we have some ability to control people. Yet we balk when others resent or defy our control over their free will. We justify banning free will under the banner of “right to life.” We fail to see that suffering or dying from the virus is a natural cause. No human deprived someone of their right to life. Nature did.

We can acknowledge the loss of control, to find what is within our individual control, such as personal hygiene and vaccination. We can share our experiences to encourage others to do the same. For example, Kinyon could be a compassionate advocate for the vaccine. She congratulated one student on the vaccine. Why not encourage, instead of shaming, others to vaccinate too?

Instead of turning to anger or despair, we can turn our fear into action, hope, and courage. Hope that the vaccine offers better protection. Hope that the virus is rarely fatal. Hope that we can adjust and thrive despite a virus. Courage to serve others in time of need. Courage to wear a mask, or not to wear a mask. Courage to maintain and encourage civility. 

What positive emotions do you turn your fear into?

Examining Parents Opinions VS Calling for Rebellion

Kinyon drew on teenagers’ desire to question or rebel against what their parents believe. She stated, “My parents were freakin’ dumb!” and that her world opened up after she stopped believing them. She admonished students to follow suit. This statement shows she has partially stayed in a rebellious mindset. Instead, this science teacher could teach students to apply the scientific method, to rigorously examine their parents’ political and scientific beliefs. Then let students form their own conclusions from presented facts, so they may adopt, adapt, or reject their parents’ beliefs. In this way, Kinyon could have promoted healthy independence.

Have you changed your childhood beliefs? Why?

Caring for LGBTQIA Individuals and Others

Bullying and shunning LGBTQIA individuals happen in Utah despite the urging of political and spiritual leaders to love them. According to the 2019 SHARP survey, LGB students experienced about 30% more suicidal ideation than heterosexual students. During my high school years, two classmates expressed their fear negatively that suicide or bestiality was better than being homosexual. Thus, when I felt same-sex attraction as a junior, I panicked. These attitudes, the weaponization of traditional marriage, and a subculture of perfectionism contribute to the LGBTQ suicidal ideation in Utah.

So I get why Kinyon fears for the LGBTQIA students as a Gay-Straight Alliance mentor. She wants to help them feel accepted and loved. However, her fearful approach backfires because she is excluding those who disagree with her (evidenced by “Get out!” in the video). Her exclusive approach alienates those who disagree on LGBTQ issues, instead of inviting them to the discussion where persuasion usually happens. Maybe on her better days, she shows kindness to all students when she sets aside politics.

How can we show love for both LGBTQIA individuals and others? 

Understand Free Will is Chaotic

Politics in a democracy center around free will and persuasion, thus multitudinous viewpoints. The hope is to argue the points kindly, listen to others, adjust positions, and hopefully find solutions fair for everyone. This process appears contentious and chaotic at times when everyone can voice their opinion. Why other countries consider Americans crazy! We will step on each other’s toes. We will offend each other (there is no right to not be offended). What one person does will affect another person. Yet that doesn’t mean someone has always violated another’s free will when it is a natural consequence.

We circumvent the free exchange of ideas when we engage in name-calling, shaming, shunning, or any other method to control another. Because Kinyon fears the influence of Trump and his supporters in the US, she intimidated students with Trumpist views to shut down their speech. This type of attitude on any side of the debate hurts the democratic process.

Kinyon also allowed her burnout and students’ comments to fester her. Understandably, she expressed her frustration, but in the wrong place and time. She probably needs mental rest, like the rest of us.

What do you do to rejuvenate your mind before a difficult discussion?

Overcome Fear to Report Bullying and Abuse

According to parents and students on my Facebook feed, Leah Kinney has acted similarly for eight years. Comments implied students had reported her behavior before. Maybe she received discipline. If she did, it failed to correct the mistakes. Sadly, it took a video to social media to initiate correction. Eric Moutsos revealed Kinyon’s name, workplace, and appearance, which publicly shamed her whether Moutsos intended to or not. Moutsos could have withheld identifying details and blurred her face in the video to let the content speak for itself.

The victims, or students, in Kinney’s case, feel intimidated because the teacher has power over them. I understand that fear as a student. In fifth grade, Mr. L. told D.S., “Damn you to hell” and threatened to paddle us with “Big Bertha” for disobedience. I circulated a classroom petition for him to stop swearing (really verbal abuse). Mr. L. justified to weepy me that he only used biblical words. I directed my fear into action to rectify a problem. Yet I didn’t know to report the verbal abuse to the principal, or even higher.

In my experience schools create an insular space where others fear to report harassment and bullying because of indifferent administrators. For example, I experienced retaliation when I reported workplace harassment as a school substitute. I privately addressed my concerns to the offender, then the school administration yet all justified her badgering. Days later, I received a notice that the substitute agency banned me from subbing at that school due to my “contentious and unprofessional” behavior. Despite my suicidality upon receiving the news, I engaged that fear to report to the district’s human resources department and the substitute agency’s local representative. HR and the representative concluded I could sub the next year at that school, and they would address the teacher’s behavior confidentially. I discovered the agency’s policy was to ban subs at schools whenever the faculty reported issues. In other words, retaliation against subs is a de facto policy.

Those reporting infractions show courage for their actions because of the potential fallout. Yet it matters how and why they report too. Reporting abuse needs to make an effort to correct — not punish — the offender and support the victim. In our society, some desire to destroy and avenge the offender. Both sides deserve love.

What happened when you blew the whistle? Why did you do it?

Love Your Enemies

Kinyon and most of us easily love those who show loyalty and have similar beliefs. We enjoy it when someone aligns their free will with ours. We may create a “tribe” of loyal friends that eventually excludes others. When someone threatens a friend, we defend our tribe, in turn attacking another “tribe.” Hurt feelings may fester into enmity. Thus, we need to remove our mental barriers and expand our circle to those with different viewpoints. And to those who hurt us too within certain boundaries.

Poem: Noon Day Sun

He hangs by nails

Above rocks of skull

The noon sun fails

Black clouds overfull

Three hours of dark

Three hours of pain

Three hours no spark

Three hours dark reigns

The guttural cry

The final plea

His breaths die

His Spirit rests free

Rocks slash ajar

Graves yield their saints

The earth shudders

A soldier utters:

“Truly, this was the Son of God”

Behind hewn rock,

His body stays

Earthen waves shock

Lightning strikes blaze

Two angels declare:

“He is gone; He is risen”

Women search elsewhere

For He fled death’s prison

Brighter than noon day sun

He parts the clouds

He blesses one by one

His love enshrouds

Truly He is the Son of God

How Can We Help Someone with Suicidal Thoughts?

Photo by Hasan Almasi on Unsplash

This post is personal advice and not a professional opinion.

Burnout has been worse this year for me and others. Personally, I have self-harmed multiple times and tried to die by suicide twice and I know of four adults who have died by suicide recently. I believe we all know someone who has passed away or is suffering emotionally, besides those suffering from COVID-19.

After a very rough night in January, I contemplated how we can address these problems. First, I wondered how loved ones felt. I asked how my parents felt when my siblings or I experienced suicidal ideation or attempts. My mom responded that she felt “helpless.” My dad concurred. At times, I felt helpless to assist my siblings when they suffered suicidality too.

Despite this feeling of helplessness, my family and I have helped each other through our mental illness struggles. Other friends, family, professionals, and strangers have helped too.

Here are the contents of what I will cover:

• Self-care
• Modeling healthy behavior
• Accepting your efforts
• QPR training
• Recognizing suicidality is complex, and not anyone’s “fault”
• Recognizing suicidal expressions are usually a desire to end the pain
• Being kind
• Holding each other accountable
• Following your gut
• Seeking professional help
• Pinkslipping
• Ideas for when a loved one is on a waitlist

Self-care

This may seem simple, but self-care enables you to have a clear and active mind. Your thoughts and actions to help others will flow more freely. Some basics of self-care include sleep, a balanced diet, exercise, meditation, social interaction, and spiritual practices. Make these basics easy to do and part of your routine.

How do you practice self-care?

Model Healthy Behavior

Modeling self-care will show your loved ones how to take care of themselves. Some of them will follow your example, but others may not. Keep modeling healthy behavior anyway. With some self-care routines, you can invite your loved ones to join you. For example, my mom invited me to walk with her in the morning.

What self-care activity do you think your loved one would enjoy?

Accept Your Efforts As Worthy

As humans, we will fail each other. You will fail your loved one at some point. However, you can use those failures to know how to do better next time. Successful people are the ones who fail the most and learn from their mistakes.

Many times, we can’t do much to help our loved ones, but we can do something. Work on what you can do within your physical and mental limitations. It may be small, but it adds up. Sometimes what you do will be a small act in a host of larger acts that will help someone recover.

So please don’t beat yourself up if you feel like you haven’t done enough. You can only do what you were emotionally, physically, and spiritually capable to do at the moment. Your efforts are imperfectly perfect.

Besides, you really don’t know all the good you do.

Like a dandelion seed, your small act can seed blossoms in every yard.

QPR (Question, Persuade, or Refer)

I am unfamiliar with QPR, but I know that it is training to identify and help someone contemplating suicide. Individuals can train in QPR to act as informed gatekeepers to “recognize the warning signs of suicide[,] know how to offer hope[, and] know how to get help and save a life.” The website lists “the known warning signs of a suicide crisis: expressions of hopelessness, depression, giving away prized possessions, talking of suicide, [and] securing lethal means[.]” For QPR training and further information, visit this website.

Along with this, don’t hesitate to ask your loved ones if they feel suicidal. I appreciate it when my family and friends will do this, despite how awkward it may feel. I will also ask my boys, husband, or others the same question when I see warning signs.

For advice on how to ask your loved one such a tough question, read this NAMI article.

What do you know about QPR?

It Is Not Your Fault, But a Variety of Factors

Sometimes we blame ourselves if a loved one self-harms or even dies by suicide. Occasionally, a loved one will blame you or others for their self-harm. But it is rarely someone else’s fault, or even the loved one’s fault. People’s poor actions may contribute to someone’s suicidality. These actions usually are abuse, severe shaming, bullying, restrictive government regulations, or fearmongering. It is a complex web of stress factors that lead to someone choosing suicide.

To explain this web, I occasionally blame my husband or another loved one for not being present enough. For example, nine months into my marriage I stayed home from a church meeting while my husband attended. I tried to guilt-trip him to stay home with me. He chose to practice spiritual self-care. While at the meeting, my husband sent his thoughts heavenward that I would be okay. I was angry with him when he returned. I said I almost didn’t make it, which was partially true. In reality, several factors played into my suicidality:

1. A bishopric counselor shamed me during my BYU ecclesiastical endorsement interview. He said I wasn’t thankful enough because I hadn’t properly done my visit teaching (despite my best efforts).
2. I had experienced sexual and religious harassment at a previous job where the employer and an Idaho Human Rights Council employee called it free speech.
3. I experienced betrayal trauma from an intimate relationship.
4. I felt shame over my continued attraction to a previous crush.
5. I overextended myself by taking too many college courses.
6. I suffered from burnout, SAD, and bipolar “spring fever.”
7. I was switching medications.

Ultimately, my suicidality wasn’t directly someone else’s fault, but a combination of a few people mistreating me, mental illness, and my actions. The people who mistreated me are culpable for their actions and some of the effects on me, but not my reactions. I chose my reactions (while under the influence of mental illness) to their mistreatment.

Overall, it is too complex to “fault” anyone for a loved one’s suicide.

Has a loved one ever blamed you for their suicidality? If so, how did you deal with it?

Recognize They Want to End the Pain

A loved one may say they want to die, but what they most likely mean is that they want to end the pain. I know that’s the case for me. So to help someone, we need to look at how we can help them handle the pain in a healthy way. Often validating their feelings helps considerably.

Be Kind

We need to treat ourselves and others with kindness and patience because we are all “children” learning how to live. When we focus on kindness to all, we will have a greater influence on others. And the chances of intentionally hurting someone diminishes.

Hold Each Other Accountable

As mortals, we hurt each other intentionally and unintentionally. Your loved one will hurt you, and you will hurt your loved one. As a consequence, we need to hold ourselves accountable and our loved ones accountable. We can do this kindly and firmly. We can develop ways to kindly express hurt, employ reasonable consequences, and foster forgiveness with one another.

About two decades ago, my family and I had to hold my brother accountable for wrongdoing for him to receive additional mental health care. One afternoon, my brother destroyed parts of the house, charged at me with a knife, and threatened to kill me. My other brother knocked him down while I called the police. The police and an emergency counselor helped calm my brother. My parents charged him, which put my adult brother under state custody.

My family and I acted with love so my brother would receive vital help. Occasionally, I yelled at my brother that everything wrong was his fault and I apologized. And my brother apologized in his own way. We forgave one another. I knew his actions stemmed largely from mental illness and anxiety.

With help from his social network, my brother now has a stable life, marriage, and family.

What is your experience holding a loved one accountable?

Seek Professional Help

You and your loved one need additional help to overcome suicidality. Depending on the situation, a loved one will need a therapist, a doctor or psychiatrist, group therapy, or medication. You will need a support network too, whether that be friends, family, support groups (like NAMI), a doctor, or a therapist. Caregivers may experience burnout, anxiety, depression, or PTSD.

Did you know that it’s normal for caregivers to experience compassion fatigue?

Follow Your Gut Feeling

We each have an intuition that we may call vibes, a gut feeling, empathy, or a spiritual prompting. Personally, I believe that intuition is our spirits and the Holy Ghost. Our intuition will sometimes guide us when to help another. Almost fifteen years ago, a neighbor followed a spiritual prompting to visit me. I heard her knock while I was attempting suicide. I had prayed for help minutes before. I stopped my attempt and answered the door. She was headed back to her apartment, but she returned and talked with me. Because she followed her intuition, she may have saved my life.

Your experience may not be as dramatic, but it is those small warnings and promptings that will often guide us to help our loved ones. This doesn’t mean our intuition is always accurate or always works, but it does mean it can work. And we can develop that intuition through mindfulness.

What do you call your “gut feeling”? Where do you think this intuition comes from?

For Immediate Intervention

This section is based on a conversation with my counselor. So you know, I am unfamiliar with pinkslipping.

When you need immediate intervention for a loved one, see what you can safely do to stop them from physically harming themselves. Or employ help from others. Call emergency services or take them to the Emergency Room. If they are already injured, they will need medical help.

If a suicidal loved one refuses help in an emergency, asking police or other legal authorities to “pink-slip” or probate an individual allows authorities to speed up the intake process.

“Probating” via an affidavit filed with the court and “pink-slipping” filed by doctors, psychologists, police or other healthcare professionals are the two ways to involuntary hospitalize someone suffering mental health issues.

-Lori Steinock, CantonRep.com

Through this process, a mental health professional will assess the individual within a 24–72 hour period. After that, a judge must approve the stay based upon the evidence.

Personally, I have not been involuntarily committed, but two of my siblings have. One stayed for several months (under state custody) and the other stayed only a few days. I went to the psychiatric unit voluntarily a few days after I gave myself a concussion. I stayed five days to start new meds. They put me in touch with a psychiatrist upon leaving. That said, I won’t ever voluntarily commit myself again. I reach out for help from my husband, a suicide hotline, or other family members. I schedule an additional appointment with my psychiatrist or therapist if the suicidality persists. The best way is to seek help as early as possible.

Do you know more about immediate interventions?

Ideas for When A Loved One Is on a Waitlist

Currently, there is a long waitlist in some areas for mental health professionals. To fill that gap, a loved one can visit a school counselor, religious leader, support group, regular doctor, or call or text a crisis hotline. For two or three years, I attended a free, peer-led Recovery International support group based on Abraham Low’s cognitive behavioral therapy books.

If a loved one needs financial help, look into temporary disability, charitable organizations, or your church. Psychoeducation can be very powerful too. Many professionals have written workbooks a person can process their emotions through. An individual can employ certain therapies on their own, such as emotional freedom technique (EFT) tapping, journaling 3 good things, and mindfulness.

And the best free therapy is routine, exercise, sleep, a healthy diet, and socializing.

Do you know of other free resources or support groups? Share in the comments.

Some Pandemic Measures to Stop COVID-19 Deaths Increase Mental Illness and Deaths of Despair

Photo by Author

My thoughts are somewhat scattered writing this. I have tried multiple times to write about the mental health crisis for myself and others, but I struggle to make it coherent since I am often overwhelmed when beginning. Initially published on my Medium page 1/15/21.

I feel like this pandemic has hurt so many people mentally — more than we will know for years. We put the value on physical life — as in not dying from the coronavirus or other diseases — but some in the government and media and some regular Joes care less about those who are at increased risk of a “death of despair.” We don’t matter because we are not obvious to the world. Our deaths are recorded as something other than suicide. We are recorded as the man run over by a train or the “selfish” man who dared defend himself. We are another gun violence statistic quoted to deny us guns needed for our self-protection.

I understand that COVID-19 is a deadly disease for many. I don’t want my parents to get it. I don’t want people to live in fear of getting it. But it has spread because no human can stop nature. We can only take a few measures to mitigate the damage. Yes, masks and social distancing help. And living a healthier life would help too. But the pandemic has been used for the reason to deny people work and critical social interaction.

Talking with My Therapist about the Mental Health Impacts

I discuss many of my feelings with my therapist as I go through this. She has shared that the normal burnout people experience in late winter happened in October. Her office waitlist has increased exponentially. My son who was put on the top of that waitlist, waited three months to be seen. Current patients have also doubled their normal visits, including me who quadrupled my visits over the summer. She expresses how mental health professionals must deal with the anxiety of both clients wearing the mask and not wearing the mask, of clients’ fears when others wear or not wear a mask, those who lose loved ones to COVID-19, and those who lose loved ones to deaths of despair. They counsel those who have lost their jobs, lost social connection due to shutdowns and social distancing, and an overall sense of powerlessness. Truly, mental health professionals are left to deal with all the negative consequences.

The Mentally Ill Need Help Too

My opinion and so many other opinions on our personal mental health have been poo-pooed because we don’t fit the current narrative. The 11-year-old boy who died by suicide while attending virtual school doesn’t fit the agenda that children are adjusting to all-day online school. We are only worth listening to if it fits the majority opinion’s agenda. I am tired of being on the agenda when it is only about denying me access to firearms or increasing the federal budget. Our needs and lives matter as much as anyone else’s needs and lives. Yes, we disagree on the different approaches. Sometimes it feels like we have to fight harder to receive the help we need.

And what is the help we need IMO? Access to firearms to protect ourselves. Access to “nonessential” jobs. Access to therapy that isn’t so overrun due to the media and government (both parties) stoking our fear of physical death. Access to robust healthcare, but our healthcare has been crippled through government interference in the healthcare industry. Access to the money that we earn instead of withholding it in payroll taxes. If we want the money back, we have to wait until tax return time or navigate the impossible network of applying for disability. Access to housing, which property taxes threaten to take away. Physical access to friends and family (guess what? hugs increase happiness and immunity).

A Doctor, the Media, and Politicians Downplay Mental Illness

In the current environment, mentally ill people are treated like we don’t exist if we don’t fit a person’s narrative. It feels the only people being acknowledged as having a mental illness are those who fear themselves or loved ones dying of COVID-19. One local pediatrician posts regularly (and friends and family repost) that our anxiety is only temporary whereas those who experience COVID-19, die from it, or have a loved one die of it experience greater mental and physical health consequences. Are others who relapse into addiction, self-harm, or hurt others due to loneliness, joblessness, and homelessness only experiencing “temporary” anxiety? Are suicide and drug overdose deaths “temporary” anxiety?

Having that “temporary” anxiety mixed with bipolar 2 and PTSD, I know that my scars from suicide attempts are only “temporary.” And it would have only been “temporary” if I died (except my husband stopped me).

The media dishonestly covers the lockdown’s effect on mental illness because they downplay its effects. A one-sided article appeared that the Utah Suicide Prevention Commission claimed that those wearing a mask felt better mentally because they feel protected, yet failed to mention those who experience anxiety due to masks. They also stated that there was not an increase in suicides in Utah when we don’t know if there is a suicide increase until the CDC publishes the information in 2022. Personally, I lost trust in this commission because they won’t delve into the multi-faceted effect of the “stop the spread” campaign’s effect on the mentally ill.

If I have reservations about the Coalition’s opinion, it is because I read accident reports that I know are suicides or are most likely suicides. I also know that statistics in other countries show a different story. In Japan, suicide has increased by 83% for women and 22% for men in October 2020. Sixty-six more people have died from suicide than COVID-19 in Japan as of October. Both COVID-19 and mental illness are deadly. Neither should be downplayed.

Accusing Others of Murder Denies Physical and Mental Reality

On Veteran’s Day, the Deseret News ran a story on a WW2 vet who passed away from COVID-19 and old age. The story delves deeply into how the family claims people are so selfish for not obeying the pandemic rules. It is only the fault of “selfish” people that they couldn’t gather at his death bed and that he died. There was no mention that it is actually the nursing home and hospital policies restricting access to dying loved ones. And that this is all in place because of the VIRUS. It is no one’s fault. The family will understandably feel rage, but it isn’t appropriate for the news to publish that without any counterbalance in the article or another article. Instead, the stories of those who are suffering from psychological distress or dying deaths of despair are lost in the police/criminal section.

When a relative broke down emotionally via telephone last summer, she accused me and “Utahans” of murdering my parents. I told her no. It is COVID-19 or nature that kills. It is not me or other Utahans. I soothed her fears, but I didn’t express my pain to her. At that moment, she couldn’t handle it. Later I approached her about my pain. She thought it hadn’t affected me because I didn’t show the personal pain or loneliness. Conversely, she felt suicidal due to others mocking her for wearing a mask and concern for her health and our older relatives’ health. We both worried about losing our older relatives. Yet the pandemic measures also stopped this older couple’s home health care. In Spring 2020, one almost fell into a diabetic coma and another had a stroke. Thankfully, another relative lives near the older couple so he could check on them.

Heavy-handed Lockdown Measures Increase Potential for Riots

There are additional consequences to the lockdown. I believe the protests have more easily turned into riots because of the heavy-handed measures. George Floyd had lost his job due to the government shutdown when he was being arrested for paying with fake money. If he hadn’t lost his job (and a bad cop kneeling on him), would he be alive today? Some minorities lost their “nonessential” jobs. When the racial tension built, the jobless minorities joined in protests that sometimes turned into deadly riots.

Politicians make more laws to “slow the spread” that the police have to enforce. When we already have increased tension with police, why are we increasing the need for police? And why are these measures mostly for the people and not the politicians? Overall, this is bad for mental health.

My Personal Struggles

I don’t often share how often and how difficult my struggles have been through the pandemic. I have tried to kill myself many times from March 27 to January 14. Each time, my self-harm has escalated. I am lucky because I have a counselor, medication, a home, a husband with a job. Yet I still have been on the physical brink of death despite increased help. The times of self-harm have been affected by pandemic measures such as the closure of parks, a teacher bullying me about an obsessive level of cleanliness for several weeks, people on Facebook bullying me for stating others have a different opinion on masks, lack of social interaction, and the cost for increased mental illness care for myself and family. Other factors come into play, but my suicidality has been greater than the eight years previously.

We need to find a better balance to increase everyone’s mental health, instead of a small minority’s mental health, while taking reasonable measures to “slow the spread.”

Three Teambuilding Ideas for Remote Work

My office via Author

Many work teams are experiencing additional strain with the switch to remote work. Some have found ways to still connect during social distancing. Observing my spouse working from home, I have noted some of their strategies and others my spouse would like to implement at his job. Here are some of those ideas:

1. Start the day with a brief “How are you?” meeting

In the normal office environment, team members connect more naturally through greetings and asking how others are while in passing. The social niceties that bond the team together are harder to achieve in the remote workplace. For this reason, a brief “How are you?” meeting online will encourage the bonding ritual of greetings. Consequently, this time will improve team members’ mental health so they perform tasks better. 

To add variety to these meetings, team members can play different icebreaker activities such as Never Have I Ever. Teammates will discover new things about each other that they wouldn’t normally share at work. 

Other game ideas can be found here (some may need to be adjusted for remote work). Let’s Roam also has icebreaker games designed for remote workplaces.

2. Socially-distanced lunch

Set up a socially-distanced lunch at a park, someone’s yard, or another outdoor venue. The company can pay for the lunch or team members can bring their own lunch. Each person can sit or stand six feet apart to observe social distancing recommendations.

I highly recommend it because I have observed my husband’s team morale improve for the rest of the workday.

3. Play online games together

Prior to the pandemic, team members sometimes played games together during breaks. For now, teams can take those games temporarily online. Some good game websites include Jackbox and Roblox. Roblox is free and has many game options. For Jackbox, only one person needs to buy it for the whole group to use it. There are many other games where teams can play online that will fit any team personality.

So, try some of these ideas and see what works for your team. These can be adjusted as needed. Also, share what ideas work for your team in the comment section. Or gather ideas from the comment section.

Happy team building!

What ideas has your team used? What ideas do you think would work?

 

Finding Treasures in my Preteen Journal

Via Public Domain Pictures

While dictating and typing my journal into a Word document, I am discovering interesting themes in my preteen life. I see linguistic features of a preteen, emotional ups and downs, and how my family showed love toward me.

Dictation Oddities

Putting together poems for a potential anthology, I opened my journals to read the backstory. In the process, I chose to type my journals since I had to read them anyway. Because I can't keep my journal open and type at the same time, my husband suggested the dictation feature in Word. I tried it out and it mostly works.

I discovered some quirks dictating numbers and punctuation marks. While recording the date, the software will type numbers randomly in a number/word combination. Thus, I type the date. I don't see any pattern as to why it chooses the symbol or word. Number homophones are challenging for the computer too. For example, "ate" becomes "8" when it isn't next to a food word.

For punctuation, the dictation won't change parenthesis or quotation marks into punctuation, but it recognizes words like comma, period, and exclamation point. Sometimes period is recorded as the word and not the mark. MS Word will sometimes leave a space before a period too.

Names are a nightmare to record if they are not common or not the common spelling. I have two friends' names that have unique spellings. Those have to be changed by hand. One name records in two or three variations, Millera, Llera, etc. My sister's nickname is a homophone, which the dictation software never gets right. I doubt it ever will because it isn't a standard name. Sometimes I use the find feature to change multiple names back to the correct spelling.

I probably could work out several of these bugs, but I am too lazy to figure it out. I may or may not do it within the next week, month, or year.

Linguistically Speaking

I spelled my way to state level my sixth-grade year, yet I find many interesting spellings in my journal. My favorite is "doddled" or "doodled" for "dawdled." I frequently "doddled." I misspell "i before e" words often, especially piece and receive. Another word that has always stumped me is opportunity and Cincinnati.

Some interesting punctuation features include my obsession with ALL CAPS, parentheses, brackets, and excessive exclamation points. I counted 20 exclamation points after one word. Think I got my point across? I often put ANNOYED in all caps. My writing tended to be parenthetical, and it is still parenthetical. I noticed dictation mode won't add parentheses, instead, it spells out the word. So I gave up on adding parentheses (and brackets) while dictating. I add the parentheses, brackets, and ALL CAPS while revising.

ANNOYED

I record being annoyed almost every day in my journal. I mentioned this and the general negativity in my journal on a social media post. My friends mentioned how they often only record negative events to process them, which makes sense. One friend said it described her preteen daughter. Consequently, annoyed would describe my teenage son too.

According to my preteen self, everyone was annoying, especially middle school boys, my cousin who lived with us, my siblings, and my parents.

The boys qualified for a special category of annoying, which is laughable now. Being from a small town, most of the boys were in my Sunday School class, my German class, and other school classes. Some called me a robot or coppertop. One or two hit me. One boy swore at me when I asked him to dance. But then there was one boy who was the knight in shining armor that I mention over and over again. Generally, the knight in shining armor changed every year.

Most of these annoying boys changed attitudes in high school. They went from being mean to very nice. We girls suddenly changed to potential dates and girlfriends. Currently, I am friends on social media with most of these "boys," their wives, or their parents.

The Mundane

In my journal, I listed every step I took during the day. I thought it was a terrible idea to list every step in my day when I grew older, but it's interesting to read details that I would have otherwise forgotten. At the beginning of the journal, I wrote details in long sentences. After a few months, I shortened it to one or two words for the beginning and end of my day, e.g. "woke up, thought, ate, scriptures, showered, groomed, went to school" and "read, this, bed, bye!"

Mood Swings

I recognize patterns in my undiagnosed bipolar from my journal. I am a rapid cycler, which I see in my descriptions of feeling mad, sad, annoyed, and happy in quick succession. In one entry, I mentioned how I was having one of my "BIG" emotions. Now I call those emotional moments my "bipolar moments." I displayed these emotions toward my family and friends of disliking them one moment and loving them the next.

For example, I enjoyed visiting with my sister one day of Christmas Break, but I yelled at her the next day. She had accidentally broken my CD cover while sitting on my bed. She probably came to see how I was after I had a trying day. My cousin had thrown food at me in the morning and schoolboys had thrown my school stuff across the hall. Yet I recorded how "RUDE" she was along with those "horrid boys."

I wrote poems to deal with my mood swings. Many times I wrote of loneliness, yet I had friends and family support me. I isolated myself without realizing it. I wonder if it was my bipolar, hormones, or undeveloped brain that blinded me from recognizing the love others showed me despite the meanness or indifference of others.

My Love of Amy Grant Music Interrupted by Limbaugh

I listed every time I listened to a different music artist multiple times in a day. Amy Grant and 80s ballads made the top lists. The conundrum was having access to the CD player. Before my sister moved away to college, we had her stereo system. Then there was only my parent's CD player in their room. So one day when I stayed home sick, I complained that I had to relinquish the stereo to my dad during his lunch hour.

My dad had turned my Amy Grant music off to listen to Rush Limbaugh. I had occasionally listened to AM radio with my parents, but I wanted my music at that moment. For some reason, my dad thought he should have control over his possessions. And my parents often set the car radio to Rush Limbaugh, Dr. Laura, or other AM radio talk shows. These shows tortured me to the point of head pain because Limbaugh and others talked so loudly (or my dad turned the volume too high). Ironically, I dictated this journal entry about a week before Rush Limbaugh died. I am sad to see such a notoriously loved (and hated) man pass away--especially from cancer.

When my family traveled to the nearest Walmart 90 miles away, I begged my mom for a CD player. I wrote:

I fought (words) my mom over me getting a present. I need a bike and want a CD player. My mom said to find something under $50 for a present. I looked through the CD players. I had my mom come and see what I wanted. (A CD player for $78.96 [about]). My mom said to get a tape player. I said “NO!” I said to let me go back to the car so they could buy me a present. I went out when my mom was buying everyone else presents.

I rode home mad. Listened to Amy Grant Heart in Motion [on a Walkman].

Well, I didn't get a CD player for Christmas, so I resorted to recording CDs to tape. I never mentioned what my Christmas presents were, but I didn't seem disappointed according to my journal.

Feeling the Love

In the subtext, I recognize how much my family and friends truly loved me. My sister recognized I had a bad day and came to talk, but I became angry when she broke my CD case. My brother gave me two Amy Grant CDs without me ever asking him. My mom and dad gave me rides home from school almost every day. My mom brought me dinner during play practice. And the list goes on.

I record how often I looked forward to spending time with my friends at school. We laughed during class and play practices. I talked with "Millera" and my other friends at school, play practice, and tryouts. I looked up to a girl the grade above me because she brought so much fun to play practice. Overall, I remember the giggles more than the loneliness.

Many times when I felt lonely or sad, I recorded how I prayed for comfort. In those moments, I felt God's love envelop me. Even though others may have hurt me or I didn't recognize others' love, God ensured I could feel his love.

What do you remember from middle school? Do you recognize how others loved you despite not recognizing their love then?

This post is on Medium and my personal blog.