The Painful Quest for Truth

From the beginning of humankind, we have sought for the truth. We want to know the answers to those deep questions about life and search through science, religion, philosophy, and society. God wants us to ask the tough questions because it builds our faith. He will answer our questions...but in different times or ways then we expect.

Satan intervenes during our quest with half-truths, flattering words, distractions, and lies. He yearns to discourage us when we face troubling questions and moral dilemmas.

We then have a choice of where and how we search for the truth.

"The Serpent and Eve Banner" by Circe Denyer

The First Desire for Truth & Knowledge

In the Garden of Eden, God imparted eternal truth and knowledge to Adam and Eve. This included the plan to return to Heavenly Father and to be like Him. However, Adam and Eve's paradise--which literally means to form walls around--soon became a prison. Particularly, this commandment of warning and choice halted their progress:

Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat, But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it, nevertheless, thou mayest choose for thyself, for it is given unto thee; but, remember that I forbid it, for in the day thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die (emphasis added; Moses 3:16-17).

Eve desired more knowledge to be like God as he had taught her. And she desired to follow every commandment, including multiplying and replenishing the earth. Thus, Eve recognized truth--but not the lie yet--in Satan's half-truth about the forbidden fruit:

"Ye shall surely not die: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as the gods, knowing good from evil" (emphasis added; Genesis 3:4-5).

Adam and Eve chose to not heed God's warning, but follow the other commandments. They fell on the double-edged sword of seeking knowledge, experiencing sorrow and joy. Their fall led to our existence (see 2 Ne. 2:25).

Paradoxically, God cast Adam and Eve out on their journey back to Him.

Satan Manipulates Our Desire for Truth

Satan manipulates our drive for knowledge with half-truths, philosophies of men, and knowledge for knowledge sake. He drives us into whatever wind of doctrine that distracts us from the whole truth of God. We get stuck on one passion and neglect the rest. Satan seeds doubt and casts out faith.

We sometimes search for truth from questionable sources. Instead of searching for answers from the source, we go to the opposition's camp. We can become swamped with so much useless knowledge, we never attain the highest truths of existence.

How do We Receive Answers?

First, we need to have faith to seek eternal truth. Without the foundation of faith, we are blown off course. We must hold on to what we know until we find the other answers we seek.

Jesus Christ told Oliver Cowdery during the restoration of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, "you must study it out in your mind" (D&C 9:8). The Lord wants us to use our brains and hearts to find answers. This inherently means to ask questions.

We prepare ourselves for an answer when we pray and clear our minds. Then we listen for answers. We allow the quiet to settle upon us.

How do we know if something is true? When the Holy Ghost speaks peace to our hearts and our minds (D&C 8:2).

The Answers that Never Come

I have had questions that sometimes I don't have a satisfactory answer to in my quest for truth.

I wonder why women don't have the Priesthood in the Latter-day Saint faith. I read Church messages and books by members on my truth quest. For example, I read Sheri L. Dew's book Women and the Priesthood, which gave me some answers. When men would say that she didn't have the Priesthood in her home, Sheri Dew responded she had access to the Priesthood through her baptismal and temple covenants. 

Covenant-keeping women have access to the Priesthood authority of God when we keep our baptismal and temple covenants. I can't rely on my husband or any other Priesthood holder to be present all the time. On the other hand, a man alone cannot give himself a Priesthood blessing. Another Priesthood holder has to do it.

What do women have that correlates with the Priesthood? I've concluded that it is not motherhood, but service. We have an authority that is veiled from the world.

I wonder why some--including myself--feel same-sex attraction. I realize I have a bisexual orientation. Since my first experience of same-sex attraction 21 years ago, I have studied this topic in Church messages, scientific findings, and a gay friend's blog. 

I believe that sexual orientation is neutral, including homosexuality and bisexuality. Same-sex attraction is neither good nor bad. I reason acting on the attraction is contrary to the eternal law of multiplying and replenishing, an eternal law God must abide by. In his mercy, God counsels against same-sex romantic behavior to prevent future heartache for same-sex couples. (These thoughts have been shaped from reading my friend's blog.) I may or may not be correct in my thoughts. I await further revelation.

I wonder why Black men stopped receiving the Priesthood and Blacks of African descent couldn't receive temple ordinances from the mid-1800s to 1978. Joseph Smith had ordained a few black men to the Priesthood, but the ordinations stopped after his martyrdom. In 1852, Brigham Young expressly forbid Black Priesthood ordination while stating the Lord would one day restore the Priesthood and temple ordinances to Blacks. Black members, particularly Jane Manning James and Elijah Abel, petitioned the Church for full Priesthood and temple blessings for 100-plus years. Prophets asked when the Priesthood and temple blessings would be available to all. In 1978, the Lord revealed to President Spencer W. Kimball and the Apostles to grant the Priesthood and temple blessings to Black people.

To me, it is very unfair Black people had to wait so long. The 1978 revelation still didn't include why the Lord waited so long and no reason has been revealed since then. Sadly, Brigham Young and other white Church members through 100-plus years fell into the temptation of speculating about why Black people were "less worthy" of the Priesthood and temple blessings. Racial rhetoric of their time contributed to the speculation. Their deviated quest for truth discounted the truth that all humans are created equal.

From an outside perspective, it seems Prophets should have changed the policy from the beginning. However, members feel they need revelation from God to change doctrine, not pressure from society. All I know is God loves everyone, no matter their skin color.

With all my questions, I feel some answers will only come after mortal life. In the meantime, I hold on to what I know.

Historical Quests for Truth

Questioning aspects of religion has led to many breakthroughs throughout history. The Bible records many of the answers to spiritual questions from Adam to Paul. And I believe the quest continued through Joseph Smith.

According to Latter-day Saint belief, Jesus Christ's entire church apostatized after His apostles died. Only records remained, but no Priesthood authority. A few hundred years later, Catholicism and Orthodoxy took shape with parts of the truth intact.

Many questioned the power and doctrine of Roman Catholicism. These questions resulted in multiple belief systems and improved Catholicism itself.

Via Public Domain Photos

Martin Luther questioned the doctrine of indulgences in his 95 Theses. Anne Boleyn convinced Henry VIII to break from Catholicism, though he used it only for his selfish desires. Thus, the Church of England was formed. Separatists from the Church of England split into multiple denominations. Baptists questioned how baptism should really take place. Many Separatist congregations fled to America, including pilgrims on the Mayflower.

During the Second Great Awakening in America, a 14-year-old Joseph Smith was on a quest for spiritual knowledge. He received an answer that no church was true, which wasn't what he expected at all. With each question Joseph Smith had, he received answers (whether he liked the outcome or not, such as plural marriage).

Joseph Smith's questions led to the formation of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, restoration of the gospel, Priesthood, and temple ordinances, and the translation of the Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ. He and others made mistakes along the way because they had no predecessors to rely on.

In our time, we continue the quest for spiritual truth. Like science, spirituality is a lifetime exploration that adjusts to new discoveries.

I Compare Myself to "Normal"

Via Public Domain Photos

My husband said that I probably had more trouble with a situation over the last two weeks because of my bipolar. It exacerbates my emotions.

Yea, I didn't take that kindly. My thought was, "I'm a crazy witch/*itch."

I had a fit of inner temper and some outer temper at him. I cried.

I try to separate "normal" emotion from "bipolar" emotion all the time. I don't know which is which. So, I compare myself to "normal."

I asked my husband, "What is normal?"

He said that we consider "normal" as perfect so it is an unfair comparison. We compare ourselves to an impossible standard that doesn't exist.

However, I still wonder what my emotions would be like without bipolar.

I wrote this two weeks ago.

Managing Bipolar this Pregnancy

I wrote this after the Orlando shooting last June. I never posted this, I don't know why I didn't immediately. The next day, my peace waned.

At my first ultrasound, the maternal fetal medicine doctor said that pregnant women urinate or metabolize their medication faster during the third trimester of pregnancy. She suggested I visit my psychiatrist before 26 weeks.

My family practice doctor suggested I see the psychiatrist too. He said the pregnancy and medication guidelines have changed. There are no more pregnancy medication categories like X will kill the baby. Each medication has individual guidelines. Whatever medication keeps the mother stable and won't harm the baby. Some medicines just require extra folic acid to prevent cleft palate.

I set up the psychiatric appointment with the expectation that I would need more medication. I felt anxiety over national, local, and family events before going in.

I sought peace about these events. I reminded myself that I am not in control of the world. God is closer than we know. He is watching out for us. My mind grasped the principle of agency. God respects our agency to the point that he lets people do bad things...and good things. Good can only exist in opposition of bad.

So facing my stresses, I walked into my appointment. My psychiatrist surprised me when she said I seemed at peace and relaxed. That I was rolling with the punches...must be the third boy. She kept me on the same dosages. Really? I'm not worse. I'm even doing better?

Truthfully, I feel more at peace even though politics and other events concern me. But I can only do what I can do. I can only influence toward good. Opinions are just opinions. The serenity prayer put me at ease:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

I concentrate on the basics of my spiritual, mental, and physical health. Basically, I go to bed on time more often!

Two nights ago, I couldn't fall asleep and cried that morning. I'm done with being sweaty, uncomfortable, nauseous, and just plain pregnant. My head hurt with congestion and aches from a cold. I wanted my mom! I want the baby OUT.

My husband stayed home that day.

My home is more at peace since my husband feels more at peace too. He has sought for peace with his anxieties. He has made more progress over the past year. We just keep swimming.

I expect my boys to help out. They need to clean some before they can get on the computer. Luckily, two of them are old enough to do harder chores, carry laundry, and capture their toddler brother. Since I can't bend, they are my benders! Since I can't chase a toddler, they are my chasers!

I "called in the cavalry" for my oldest to capture his brother, and now he gladly says he will "call in the cavalry."

My boys complain some, don't always do what I ask, and other times jump at the chance to help. They choose what to do, and luckily, they usually they help out. I hope it's because of the greater peace we strive for in our home.

I go to counseling every 5-8 weeks. My insurance changed, so now I'm in the process of finding a new counselor. I like my previous counselor. I thought of paying the full price for each session, which I did for three months, but I couldn't keep up with that. It has taken me four months to finally call a new counselor.