That Pee Smell

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When I lie on the couch to read, I want to relax, but that smell keeps coming to my nose: pee. It is somewhere in our house. I want to find the source, but the source is everywhere: the dirty diaper pail seven feet away, dirty laundry underneath the changing table, the toddler sitting next to me, the couch cushions, everywhere!

I remember going to friends' houses with babies and it would smell like pee. I swore that my house would never smell like that that. I knew that my house would stay clean. I kept my parent's home clean as a youngest child.

Now the pee smell never goes away as a mother of four boys. My toddler rips off his diapers multiple times a day. I find the diapers stuffed in random places. He pees and poops all over the house until I catch him. I wrangle a diaper on his bare butt. My husband taped his diaper on one night.

This doesn't include when the diaper overflows. The pee and poop leak on the couch and bed. Oh, it is just wonderful.

We potty-trained our third child last fall, but he still wears a pull-up for night time. He sometimes changes into underwear independently in the morning. Other times he doesn't. This is when the pull-up is leaking all over the couch in the morning. This is why I sniff pee on the couch when I read.

I thought once my boys were potty-trained the problems went away. Oh no, it doesn't. No one ever talks about bed-wetting. Enuresis. It's there. It keeps going. And you give your child the medication the doctor recommends...no it doesn't work. They just have a nasty reaction to it. Does your child reduce drinking before bedtime? Maybe for a few days. Then I am just too busy for the reminders anymore.

And then there is the advice from doctors and well-meaning people on potty-training and bed-wetting. One lady said she started poop training at six months old and potty-training at eighteen months old. She pressured me to potty train my oldest for a month. I had several people unnaturally pressure me to potty-train my oldest. I tried multiple times during eight moves in eighteen months and I only felt frustrated with my oldest. Outside pressure only made things worse for both of us.

Leave parents alone!

What can I expect from my children when I can't control my own bladder anymore? I rarely practiced all those Kegel exercises. When I sneeze from sun exposure, it comes it triples. My underwear is wet. And I still have occasional accidents when I have diarrhea. I just know how to clean it up myself.

So, I have become really good at cleaning pee in my house. I use baking soda laundry detergent, vinegar, and occasionally super washing soda and borax. My husband complained that his underwear smells like vinegar. That's because I use scent-free dryer sheets. My only goal is to have everything have a neutral smell in my home. I don't want to cover up the smell of pee with floral scents. I want it gone with pure and natural chemicals!

Bipolar Spring Fever and Eliminate the Time Change

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I feel burned out at this time of year. My body has experienced a mild form of Seasonal Affective Disorder or maybe just the winter blues since November. December I had it particularly bad. But mid-February I have this strange beast from the equalizing of the light. The spring equinox disturbs bipolar people's circadian rhythms. It is so random. I read about it my local newspaper three years ago. This is March Madness or spring fever for bipolar people.

I made another connection last year when I saw the Business Insider article about the time change causing an increase in heart attacks, car accidents, bipolar suicides, workplace injuries and so on. I have made suicide attempts a couple times within a few days after the spring time change.

This year I feel a little more prepared because I am aware of what the spring equinox and the time change do to my mental health. I have been working on a few extra steps to prepare myself, but I have had a hard time the past four days.

I sent an email to my state representative about the time change. I even got a thoughtful response back. I felt so proud of myself for doing that before the actual time change happened!

I sent in a letter to the editor to one of the state newspapers. I don't know if I care if the letter is published or not. Really, I feel quite validated that my representative responded to me.

What is so simple about eliminating the time change is that it violates no one's second amendment right, yet has the potential to reduce suicide. That has been my soapbox thinking in all my rough drafts that will never see the light of day.

Anyway, one day at a time.

Grad School May Come Another Year

I received the letter today that I was not accepted to the linguistics MA program at BYU. I am disappointed. I have cried some tears, but that is to be expected. I believe that is a normal reaction.

Now I am trying to stay on a positive focus, so I am not on a downward spiral. I can feel tugs of the negative voice telling me I am stupid. But the reality is that there are only so many open slots each year in a program. I don't know why my application was rejected. I will probably ask for more details so I can improve those aspects. I may try to apply again next year. I know that my GRE scores were low.

Anyway, I am intelligent. But it is hard to see that intelligence as a mother sometimes. I don't have the time to sit and write intelligently thought out papers like I used to. Bipolar doesn't limit my intelligence, but it impacts my ability to concentrate. I have racing thoughts and my thoughts often go on tangents. I have a difficult time focusing. I love the next shiny thing. In this way, my writing is often choppy or stream of consciousness. It can be confusing. I have to focus very hard to complete tasks with bipolar and with four boys distracting me. I want peace.

I wonder about God's timing in all of this. What is in store for me? I still have a toddler at home I watch during the day. I just am antsy having been a homemaker for 12 years. I feel stuck in my growth. I've applied for a few part-time jobs, but I am only available in the evenings. This is just a pity party.

We save money since I won't be in grad school. We will save thousands of dollars.

I will keep my sanity, right?

Haha!

I am going crazy!

Applying for Grad School

I have wanted to apply to graduate school for the past five years, but it has been all about timing and money. It is still about timing and money. I am not sure we still have quote enough "money" because we need to get out of debt to expand our house. The timing with the age of our children still isn't ideal, but I started the process this year anyway.

This is a bit daunting for me because I have not had a college class for eleven years now. I feel old to be applying to graduate school, but I know there are many "older" students. I am only in my mid 30s. It's strange because I have been a homemaker for twelve years and only done a little freelance writing. Graduate school is a large step outside my comfort zone.

I really felt old studying for the GRE because I have not done geometry for 20 years. I fulfilled my college math credit with high school dual enrollment credit, so I have not had math since high school. I practiced my times tables and worked through questions on one and half books with my toddler's "help."

Last week I took the GRE. My brain almost exploded halfway through four and half hours of testing. To think that I paid $205 for this voluntary torture! It is a means to an end...

So I have debated what to apply for graduate school. I thought I may want to go to law school or get my master's in linguistics or creative writing. I realized that linguistics is the niche I want, but I am still a creative writer. I love to study language and to craft language into stories.

My biggest stumbling block in this process has been writing my statement of intent because I don't know what I want to focus on studying in linguistics. With bipolar, I want to study the next shiny object. I am writing this post to gather some of my thoughts.

I want a broad understanding of linguistics that I didn't quite get from my undergraduate degree. I have gaps in first and second language acquisition, historical linguistics, and comparative linguistics. I am interested in phonetics and word etymologies.

My career goal is to be able to teach writing, English linguistics, or general linguistics at a post-secondary institution. On the side, I plan to write my own poetry and novels.

I believe each word is poem. It's sound adds meaning. Its history adds weight. Its function in a sentence as a noun, verb, or as perhaps both.

And yet language is so imprecise that it cannot capture our thoughts adequately. It is merely a set of symbols.

Now I wax philosophical.

Good night.

Give Me Silence and a Nap

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My husband's insurance has a health coach system. I have one coach emailing me about sleep. Right now I am just tired. The health coach keeps mentioning putting down electronics at night. How can I put children down at night?

I figured out that I like silence at night away from my husband and sons. That's why I stay up. I was the youngest child who was spoiled with silence when everyone moved out. I could escape to the empty rooms into silence. I lived in a rural town where I could wander out into silence in nature. Now I have four boys who are not silent.

My youngest has been crying a lot the last 18 hours, so I am a zombie. I haven't been able to relax last night or sleep in. I don't know when I am going to get a nap with doctor appointments and picking up kids and all the other hoopla today.

And that comes to my sleep hygiene. I probably need to avoid reading news or religious or political opinion close to bedtime. Stick to mindless games. I am still on my phone, but I know that it still relaxes me. I just need to relax my brain. I don't care what the health coach says about electronics.

I want sleep and silence!

The Elusive Night's Sleep

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My baby was supposed to be sleeping through the night consistently now. No, he does not. He still wakes in the early morning several times a week.

I have retired before 10:30 almost every night for 3 weeks, and I am still tired.

Whatever. Who needs sleep anyway?

Unfortunately, my Fitbit tells me how little sleep I get. Oh, look, 6 hours of sleep 3 nights in a row. I may lay in bed for 9 hours, but I spend 2-3 hours up with my baby or toddler or whatever. Hunger wakes me at 4 am. This morning, I was able to fall back asleep without eating for the first time in several weeks. My husband takes turns too with the baby and toddler. We are just doomed.

I am switching my mood stabilizer to a different one that is an appetite suppressant too. I don't believe it has affected my sleep. (It's the 2 foot army crawler affecting my sleep.) The new mood stabilizer helps racing thoughts, which I still experience on my current mood stabilizer. I won't go off my current mood stabilizer until I tolerate a high enough dose on the new one.

I adjust my sleep medicine to how tired I am the night before. Last night I took a higher dose, so that is why I am probably still tired today, but I am trying to make up for several missed hours earlier this week.

Do naps help? They keep me sane for an hour or three.

My baby and toddler never nap together or long enough together for the past month. What happened! By the time I wind down, my baby usually wakes.

I love when my toddler climbs in his baby brother's crib and shakes him awake. Such brotherly love.

I look forward to this weekend because I can sleep in!!!!!

The Painful Quest for Truth

From the beginning of humankind, we have sought for the truth. We want to know the answers to those deep questions about life and search through science, religion, philosophy, and society. God wants us to ask the tough questions because it builds our faith. He will answer our questions...but in different times or ways then we expect.

Satan intervenes during our quest with half-truths, flattering words, distractions, and lies. He yearns to discourage us when we face troubling questions and moral dilemmas.

We then have a choice of where and how we search for the truth.

"The Serpent and Eve Banner" by Circe Denyer

The First Desire for Truth & Knowledge

In the Garden of Eden, God imparted eternal truth and knowledge to Adam and Eve. This included the plan to return to Heavenly Father and to be like Him. However, Adam and Eve's paradise--which literally means to form walls around--soon became a prison. Particularly, this commandment of warning and choice halted their progress:

Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat, But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it, nevertheless, thou mayest choose for thyself, for it is given unto thee; but, remember that I forbid it, for in the day thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die (emphasis added; Moses 3:16-17).

Eve desired more knowledge to be like God as he had taught her. And she desired to follow every commandment, including multiplying and replenishing the earth. Thus, Eve recognized truth--but not the lie yet--in Satan's half-truth about the forbidden fruit:

"Ye shall surely not die: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as the gods, knowing good from evil" (emphasis added; Genesis 3:4-5).

Adam and Eve chose to not heed God's warning, but follow the other commandments. They fell on the double-edged sword of seeking knowledge, experiencing sorrow and joy. Their fall led to our existence (see 2 Ne. 2:25).

Paradoxically, God cast Adam and Eve out on their journey back to Him.

Satan Manipulates Our Desire for Truth

Satan manipulates our drive for knowledge with half-truths, philosophies of men, and knowledge for knowledge sake. He drives us into whatever wind of doctrine that distracts us from the whole truth of God. We get stuck on one passion and neglect the rest. Satan seeds doubt and casts out faith.

We sometimes search for truth from questionable sources. Instead of searching for answers from the source, we go to the opposition's camp. We can become swamped with so much useless knowledge, we never attain the highest truths of existence.

How do We Receive Answers?

First, we need to have faith to seek eternal truth. Without the foundation of faith, we are blown off course. We must hold on to what we know until we find the other answers we seek.

Jesus Christ told Oliver Cowdery during the restoration of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, "you must study it out in your mind" (D&C 9:8). The Lord wants us to use our brains and hearts to find answers. This inherently means to ask questions.

We prepare ourselves for an answer when we pray and clear our minds. Then we listen for answers. We allow the quiet to settle upon us.

How do we know if something is true? When the Holy Ghost speaks peace to our hearts and our minds (D&C 8:2).

The Answers that Never Come

I have had questions that sometimes I don't have a satisfactory answer to in my quest for truth.

I wonder why women don't have the Priesthood in the Latter-day Saint faith. I read Church messages and books by members on my truth quest. For example, I read Sheri L. Dew's book Women and the Priesthood, which gave me some answers. When men would say that she didn't have the Priesthood in her home, Sheri Dew responded she had access to the Priesthood through her baptismal and temple covenants. 

Covenant-keeping women have access to the Priesthood authority of God when we keep our baptismal and temple covenants. I can't rely on my husband or any other Priesthood holder to be present all the time. On the other hand, a man alone cannot give himself a Priesthood blessing. Another Priesthood holder has to do it.

What do women have that correlates with the Priesthood? I've concluded that it is not motherhood, but service. We have an authority that is veiled from the world.

I wonder why some--including myself--feel same-sex attraction. I realize I have a bisexual orientation. Since my first experience of same-sex attraction 21 years ago, I have studied this topic in Church messages, scientific findings, and a gay friend's blog. 

I believe that sexual orientation is neutral, including homosexuality and bisexuality. Same-sex attraction is neither good nor bad. I reason acting on the attraction is contrary to the eternal law of multiplying and replenishing, an eternal law God must abide by. In his mercy, God counsels against same-sex romantic behavior to prevent future heartache for same-sex couples. (These thoughts have been shaped from reading my friend's blog.) I may or may not be correct in my thoughts. I await further revelation.

I wonder why Black men stopped receiving the Priesthood and Blacks of African descent couldn't receive temple ordinances from the mid-1800s to 1978. Joseph Smith had ordained a few black men to the Priesthood, but the ordinations stopped after his martyrdom. In 1852, Brigham Young expressly forbid Black Priesthood ordination while stating the Lord would one day restore the Priesthood and temple ordinances to Blacks. Black members, particularly Jane Manning James and Elijah Abel, petitioned the Church for full Priesthood and temple blessings for 100-plus years. Prophets asked when the Priesthood and temple blessings would be available to all. In 1978, the Lord revealed to President Spencer W. Kimball and the Apostles to grant the Priesthood and temple blessings to Black people.

To me, it is very unfair Black people had to wait so long. The 1978 revelation still didn't include why the Lord waited so long and no reason has been revealed since then. Sadly, Brigham Young and other white Church members through 100-plus years fell into the temptation of speculating about why Black people were "less worthy" of the Priesthood and temple blessings. Racial rhetoric of their time contributed to the speculation. Their deviated quest for truth discounted the truth that all humans are created equal.

From an outside perspective, it seems Prophets should have changed the policy from the beginning. However, members feel they need revelation from God to change doctrine, not pressure from society. All I know is God loves everyone, no matter their skin color.

With all my questions, I feel some answers will only come after mortal life. In the meantime, I hold on to what I know.

Historical Quests for Truth

Questioning aspects of religion has led to many breakthroughs throughout history. The Bible records many of the answers to spiritual questions from Adam to Paul. And I believe the quest continued through Joseph Smith.

According to Latter-day Saint belief, Jesus Christ's entire church apostatized after His apostles died. Only records remained, but no Priesthood authority. A few hundred years later, Catholicism and Orthodoxy took shape with parts of the truth intact.

Many questioned the power and doctrine of Roman Catholicism. These questions resulted in multiple belief systems and improved Catholicism itself.

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Martin Luther questioned the doctrine of indulgences in his 95 Theses. Anne Boleyn convinced Henry VIII to break from Catholicism, though he used it only for his selfish desires. Thus, the Church of England was formed. Separatists from the Church of England split into multiple denominations. Baptists questioned how baptism should really take place. Many Separatist congregations fled to America, including pilgrims on the Mayflower.

During the Second Great Awakening in America, a 14-year-old Joseph Smith was on a quest for spiritual knowledge. He received an answer that no church was true, which wasn't what he expected at all. With each question Joseph Smith had, he received answers (whether he liked the outcome or not, such as plural marriage).

Joseph Smith's questions led to the formation of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, restoration of the gospel, Priesthood, and temple ordinances, and the translation of the Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ. He and others made mistakes along the way because they had no predecessors to rely on.

In our time, we continue the quest for spiritual truth. Like science, spirituality is a lifetime exploration that adjusts to new discoveries.