We all have fears and anxieties. Some are worse than others. Really it's how we deal with our fears and anxiety that defines us.
I had a fear of germs when I was ten. As a result, I washed my hands until they were raw. Lotion didn't help because I'd scrub it off my hands only a short time later. I realized I had to stop washing my hands so often. Over time, my hands healed. I couldn't let fear and anxiety rule my life and ruin my god-given hands. Germs wouldn't kill me. In fact, some "germs" or bacteria are healthy for our bodies. (I was so excited when I discovered hand sanitizer.)
Many of us also suffer from anxiety in the pursuit of perfection. Abraham Low says, "Perfection is a myth." We won't attain perfection in this life. We simply try to improve ourselves line upon line. In school, I had panic attacks on occasion because I didn't score as well as I wanted to. I eventually realized that grades do not define me. Now I stress to my oldest that he doesn't need to excel, but he still needs to work.
So how do we overcome fear and anxiety? (1) Express our fears and anxiety. (2) Determine if the fear is real. (3) Take active steps toward resolving that fear. (4) Seek peace from Heavenly Father.
Here's a link for spiritual help https://www.lds.org/ensign/1997/05/his-peace?lang=eng
April 12, 2014
April 11, 2014
"Excuse Rather than Accuse" -Abraham Low
We all find ourselves in positions where we need to forgive and be forgiven. We are on both sides of the coin. We forgive so that others and God will forgive us.
Often, we need help from Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ to forgive others. Concentration camp survivor Corrie ten Boom found she had to ask God to help her at one Sunday service. A former prison guard approached her and asked for her forgiveness. She didn't want to forgive him, but she prayed for help. She felt the feeling of forgiveness flow through her arm as she shook the man's hand. She no longer felt bitterness toward him. Similarly, we can pray to receive help to forgive others and ourselves.
Part of forgiving is having empathy for others. While reading the second book in the Ender's Game series, Speaker for the Dead, I realized more about empathy. Ender spoke the whole truth about the dead--the good and the bad. Most people are a mix of good and bad. This helps us realize that when we forgive, we look for the good in the other person.
We forgive in order to move forward. As Abraham Low says, we "excuse rather than accuse for our own mental health." Forgiving lets us redirect our former negative energy of holding a grudge into positive energy.
So often, spouses, family members and friends offend us, whether purposefully or accidentally. We let bitterness build with every small offense since we live with these people every day. But we need to let go of the bitterness in order to love those who we really love the most.
Note: Forgiving others does not mean returning to a dangerous person or a dangerous situation.
Here's a great article on forgiveness https://www.lds.org/ensign/2014/01/choosing-to-forgive?lang=eng
Often, we need help from Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ to forgive others. Concentration camp survivor Corrie ten Boom found she had to ask God to help her at one Sunday service. A former prison guard approached her and asked for her forgiveness. She didn't want to forgive him, but she prayed for help. She felt the feeling of forgiveness flow through her arm as she shook the man's hand. She no longer felt bitterness toward him. Similarly, we can pray to receive help to forgive others and ourselves.
Part of forgiving is having empathy for others. While reading the second book in the Ender's Game series, Speaker for the Dead, I realized more about empathy. Ender spoke the whole truth about the dead--the good and the bad. Most people are a mix of good and bad. This helps us realize that when we forgive, we look for the good in the other person.
We forgive in order to move forward. As Abraham Low says, we "excuse rather than accuse for our own mental health." Forgiving lets us redirect our former negative energy of holding a grudge into positive energy.
So often, spouses, family members and friends offend us, whether purposefully or accidentally. We let bitterness build with every small offense since we live with these people every day. But we need to let go of the bitterness in order to love those who we really love the most.
Note: Forgiving others does not mean returning to a dangerous person or a dangerous situation.
Here's a great article on forgiveness https://www.lds.org/ensign/2014/01/choosing-to-forgive?lang=eng
April 05, 2014
Self-Defense
Last October, my women's church group (Relief Society) held an activity about self-defense. I learned new ideas to defend myself and my family.
Prevention is your best self-defense. (1) Follow the Spirit. (2) Be with someone else, especially in the dark. Criminals don't like witnesses. (3) Avoid dangerous places, especially in the dark. (4) Lock your car or house. Always lock the deadbolt because a doorknob lock is very easy to break. Lock your windows too. Block pet entrances. (5) Have a loud dog--even if it's small. The dog will alert the neighbors there might be an intruder. (6) Get in good physical shape so you can hit, kick, block, bite and run. (7) Review an escape plan with your family. (8) Stay in well-lit areas. (9) Possibly carry a self-defense item. This is a personal choice. (10) Take some sort of self-defense course. (11) Teach your children to defend themselves.
If someone captures you, run! It doesn't matter if that person has a knife or a gun. You have a better chance at survival if you run. (Wear good running shoes.) Most knife wounds and gun wounds will not kill you. Besides, the abductor will most likely kill you after he or she beats you.
Scream. That draws attention to the criminal. He or she most likely doesn't want to be recognized or caught.
Fight dirty. Give the criminal bruises, bite marks, and wounds. Use whatever techniques you need to.
Scratch. Now you've got the criminal's DNA under your fingernails.
Take a good look at his or her face. That way you can describe his or her appearance to legal authorities and identify him or her later on.
Best rule of all, follow the Spirit. Heavenly Father wants you to stay safe.
Other resources: RAD, RAD kids
Prevention is your best self-defense. (1) Follow the Spirit. (2) Be with someone else, especially in the dark. Criminals don't like witnesses. (3) Avoid dangerous places, especially in the dark. (4) Lock your car or house. Always lock the deadbolt because a doorknob lock is very easy to break. Lock your windows too. Block pet entrances. (5) Have a loud dog--even if it's small. The dog will alert the neighbors there might be an intruder. (6) Get in good physical shape so you can hit, kick, block, bite and run. (7) Review an escape plan with your family. (8) Stay in well-lit areas. (9) Possibly carry a self-defense item. This is a personal choice. (10) Take some sort of self-defense course. (11) Teach your children to defend themselves.
If someone captures you, run! It doesn't matter if that person has a knife or a gun. You have a better chance at survival if you run. (Wear good running shoes.) Most knife wounds and gun wounds will not kill you. Besides, the abductor will most likely kill you after he or she beats you.
Scream. That draws attention to the criminal. He or she most likely doesn't want to be recognized or caught.
Fight dirty. Give the criminal bruises, bite marks, and wounds. Use whatever techniques you need to.
Scratch. Now you've got the criminal's DNA under your fingernails.
Take a good look at his or her face. That way you can describe his or her appearance to legal authorities and identify him or her later on.
Best rule of all, follow the Spirit. Heavenly Father wants you to stay safe.
Other resources: RAD, RAD kids
Courage to Speak Against Your Abuser
Abusers instill fear through physical and emotional threats. It's hard to testify against your abuser because of fear that is sometimes present from birth.
Fear can only be cast off with faith. You need faith in your own worth as a child of God. You are worth saving. Your abuser will continue to have a hold on you until you choose faith and courage over fear. Is it worth it to cower when you can save yourself, perhaps your children, and future victims?
You gain confidence when you withstand abuse. You gain confidence when you help yourself and others escape abuse. You gain confidence when you speak up for yourself.
Speaking up is the only way to prevent future abuse. When you speak up, other victims may speak up. Other victims may remember their abuse when their minds are ready to face the memory.
Let the Spirit guide you when, where, and to whom you tell.
Who needs to know who your abuser is? (1) Parents and children exposed to a child abuser need to know. This way parents can determine if their children were abused or prevent their children from being future victims. (2) Religious leaders need to know who the abuser is. These leaders have the responsibility to help victims, to call the abuser to repentance, and to keep the abuser away from situations with children at church. (3) Legal authorities often need to know who the abuser is. Legal authorities need to have as much evidence as they can to prosecute any abuser. Sometimes you may not have enough evidence to convict, but you are leaving a paper trail. That paper trail lends credibility to another victim's testimony. It may lead to a future conviction.
Victims who speak up hold their abusers accountable--on earth and in heaven. You serve as a witness to their sins. This is the only way for them to receive earthly justice. Also, abusers can use this opportunity to repent (not to be trusted again). Many won't, but they need that opportunity.
Some victims may want to exact revenge (self-defense is just fine). Vengeance is never satisfied. Only legal authorities and God should exact vengeance (see D&C 64). If you never forgive, you are holding onto a weight that is sapping your energy. You wield courage when you forgive and you gain confidence.
Fear can only be cast off with faith. You need faith in your own worth as a child of God. You are worth saving. Your abuser will continue to have a hold on you until you choose faith and courage over fear. Is it worth it to cower when you can save yourself, perhaps your children, and future victims?
You gain confidence when you withstand abuse. You gain confidence when you help yourself and others escape abuse. You gain confidence when you speak up for yourself.
Speaking up is the only way to prevent future abuse. When you speak up, other victims may speak up. Other victims may remember their abuse when their minds are ready to face the memory.
Let the Spirit guide you when, where, and to whom you tell.
Who needs to know who your abuser is? (1) Parents and children exposed to a child abuser need to know. This way parents can determine if their children were abused or prevent their children from being future victims. (2) Religious leaders need to know who the abuser is. These leaders have the responsibility to help victims, to call the abuser to repentance, and to keep the abuser away from situations with children at church. (3) Legal authorities often need to know who the abuser is. Legal authorities need to have as much evidence as they can to prosecute any abuser. Sometimes you may not have enough evidence to convict, but you are leaving a paper trail. That paper trail lends credibility to another victim's testimony. It may lead to a future conviction.
Victims who speak up hold their abusers accountable--on earth and in heaven. You serve as a witness to their sins. This is the only way for them to receive earthly justice. Also, abusers can use this opportunity to repent (not to be trusted again). Many won't, but they need that opportunity.
Some victims may want to exact revenge (self-defense is just fine). Vengeance is never satisfied. Only legal authorities and God should exact vengeance (see D&C 64). If you never forgive, you are holding onto a weight that is sapping your energy. You wield courage when you forgive and you gain confidence.
April 04, 2014
Rescue Me: Escaping Abuse
Biggest Loser contestant Tanya Winfield had wanted someone to save her as a child from her abusive mother. Over the course of her weight loss, she realized that she had to save herself. Escaping abuse begins with the victim.
Abusers don't let their victims go easily--mentally or physically. Abusers instill fear. As the victim, you need to conquer that fear with faith. You need courage to tell others, and to escape. Escaping takes planning, effort, timing and praying.
Your first ally is Heavenly Father. He knows what's going on. Pray to him to help you find an opportunity to leave an abusive situation. Heavenly Father will guide you to others that can help you. He will present opportunities at certain places and times.
If you are a parent or guardian, you have a responsibility toward your children to prevent child abuse. You may think that if only you or only one child is abused that your children have escaped the effects of abuse. That isn't true. (1) You cannot guarantee that the abuser won't change his or her target. (2) An abusive home breaks a person's spirit because the abuser instills fear. (3) The abuser's actions invite evil spirits. (4) Staying in an abusive situation teaches children that it's okay to hurt others emotionally, physically or sexually. A son or daughter learns it's acceptable to ridicule the opposite sex.
Others can help you escape. In some cases, it's best to plan a quiet escape. Other times, it isn't. You may need to fight or use a weapon to escape. This is in self defense. Even if your abuser has a weapon, you're more likely to live if you run away. Any consequent wound usually won't kill you.
If you are a child or teenager, tell a reliable adult, call 911, fight or use a weapon, whatever it takes to escape. It can be more difficult to escape since you have fewer legal rights, less strength, and often need to rely on adults. Sometimes, your escape may only be spiritual.
There will be negative and positive consequences to any escape. The abuser defames your character. He or she claims you have lied or you have lost your sanity. Friends and family may ignore you. The abuser may physically hurt you, stalk you, sue you, and so on.
The abuser fights any legal charges. Sometimes there isn't enough evidence to convict or the abuser's lawyer finds a loophole. Abusers threaten legal action for defamation of character. In the case of marriage, abusive spouses fight for custody of the children. Seek legal help. Truly, the law should be on your side, but that isn't always the case. The truth will set you free. However, sometimes the truth only sets you free spiritually, mentally and emotionally.
The positive aspect is that you will regain your confidence, freedom and life. The healing process begins.
The spiritual escape follows the physical escape. Your spirit needs healing. You need to root out the fear instilled in you. You need to go through the grieving process of losing your hope, confidence, and a relationship. Counselors, religious leaders, and friends can help you during your spiritual escape. However, Jesus Christ is the only one who can wholly heal you. He suffered the abuse you felt. He understands your pain better than anyone else.
See these websites for more practical information:
Women: www.womenslaw.org http://www.aish.com/ci/s/My_Escape_from_Child_Abuse.html
Men: www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic-violence-men-abused-by-women.htm
Child Abuse:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/child_abuse_physical_emotional_sexual_neglect.htm
Abusers don't let their victims go easily--mentally or physically. Abusers instill fear. As the victim, you need to conquer that fear with faith. You need courage to tell others, and to escape. Escaping takes planning, effort, timing and praying.
Your first ally is Heavenly Father. He knows what's going on. Pray to him to help you find an opportunity to leave an abusive situation. Heavenly Father will guide you to others that can help you. He will present opportunities at certain places and times.
If you are a parent or guardian, you have a responsibility toward your children to prevent child abuse. You may think that if only you or only one child is abused that your children have escaped the effects of abuse. That isn't true. (1) You cannot guarantee that the abuser won't change his or her target. (2) An abusive home breaks a person's spirit because the abuser instills fear. (3) The abuser's actions invite evil spirits. (4) Staying in an abusive situation teaches children that it's okay to hurt others emotionally, physically or sexually. A son or daughter learns it's acceptable to ridicule the opposite sex.
Others can help you escape. In some cases, it's best to plan a quiet escape. Other times, it isn't. You may need to fight or use a weapon to escape. This is in self defense. Even if your abuser has a weapon, you're more likely to live if you run away. Any consequent wound usually won't kill you.
If you are a child or teenager, tell a reliable adult, call 911, fight or use a weapon, whatever it takes to escape. It can be more difficult to escape since you have fewer legal rights, less strength, and often need to rely on adults. Sometimes, your escape may only be spiritual.
There will be negative and positive consequences to any escape. The abuser defames your character. He or she claims you have lied or you have lost your sanity. Friends and family may ignore you. The abuser may physically hurt you, stalk you, sue you, and so on.
The abuser fights any legal charges. Sometimes there isn't enough evidence to convict or the abuser's lawyer finds a loophole. Abusers threaten legal action for defamation of character. In the case of marriage, abusive spouses fight for custody of the children. Seek legal help. Truly, the law should be on your side, but that isn't always the case. The truth will set you free. However, sometimes the truth only sets you free spiritually, mentally and emotionally.
The positive aspect is that you will regain your confidence, freedom and life. The healing process begins.
The spiritual escape follows the physical escape. Your spirit needs healing. You need to root out the fear instilled in you. You need to go through the grieving process of losing your hope, confidence, and a relationship. Counselors, religious leaders, and friends can help you during your spiritual escape. However, Jesus Christ is the only one who can wholly heal you. He suffered the abuse you felt. He understands your pain better than anyone else.
See these websites for more practical information:
Women: www.womenslaw.org http://www.aish.com/ci/s/My_Escape_from_Child_Abuse.html
Men: www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic-violence-men-abused-by-women.htm
Child Abuse:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/child_abuse_physical_emotional_sexual_neglect.htm
Using Mental Illness as an Excuse to Behave Inappropriately
Mental illness is a real physical, mental, and emotional ailment. Some symptoms of illness include inappropriate behavior.
Personally, I become annoyed more easily because of bipolar. My children sometimes whine or demand things, and my hairs rise on the back of my neck. Now I have a choice about what to do: act or react. I can choose to yell at them, ignore them, or prompt my children to ask nicely. The okay choice is to ignore it, but that won't help my children improve in the long run. The better choice is to address my children's misbehavior. Sometimes, it's best to walk away for a moment.
I sometimes use Recovery spots like "it's average" for children to misbehave, or to "excuse rather than accuse."
So often people will shop, use sex, use drugs, gamble, play video games, overeat, or watch TV to bury the problem. None of these actions truly help. And mental illness is not an excuse to fall into addictions.
Mental illness needs to be faced head on. Take care of your body; pray for help; talk to someone. There are many healthy coping techniques out there. Find what works for you.
Personally, I become annoyed more easily because of bipolar. My children sometimes whine or demand things, and my hairs rise on the back of my neck. Now I have a choice about what to do: act or react. I can choose to yell at them, ignore them, or prompt my children to ask nicely. The okay choice is to ignore it, but that won't help my children improve in the long run. The better choice is to address my children's misbehavior. Sometimes, it's best to walk away for a moment.
I sometimes use Recovery spots like "it's average" for children to misbehave, or to "excuse rather than accuse."
So often people will shop, use sex, use drugs, gamble, play video games, overeat, or watch TV to bury the problem. None of these actions truly help. And mental illness is not an excuse to fall into addictions.
Mental illness needs to be faced head on. Take care of your body; pray for help; talk to someone. There are many healthy coping techniques out there. Find what works for you.
April 03, 2014
Abusers Play the Victim
Abusers play the role of the victim. Many are victims of abuse, but that doesn't excuse their actions. They make the choice whether or not to continue the vicious cycle of abuse onto other generations. Abusers choose to hurt others and pass the blame to others. They aren't the victim any longer: they make the victim.
Abusers are depressed because they feel guilty about hurting others. However, they claim depression as an excuse for any number of bad behaviors.
"Don't make me angry!" abusers may threaten. No, they choose to be angry. After the fact, abusers may say, "You made me do it!" No, victims don't cause bruises or other effects. So often sexual assault victims receive the blame--"She's so beautiful," "She wore slutty clothes," "He liked it when I touched him," and so on. Abusers blame the real victims. Sometimes, other friends or family members blame the victims too.
Often, abusers claim they are victims of libel, assault, and harassment when victims or others reveal the truth. Abusers use the law for vengeance. A police woman monitors her husband's private messages on Facebook. (Facebook doesn't protect your privacy.) A victim reports abuse and the abuser claims libel. Victims, or a friends of victims, physically defend themselves, and they are charged with assault. Abusers file for protection orders. They claim others are the real abusers.
Be careful not to let abusers fool you into thinking they are the victim. Following the Spirit is the best way to discern other's motivations even if they appear friendly.
Abusers are depressed because they feel guilty about hurting others. However, they claim depression as an excuse for any number of bad behaviors.
"Don't make me angry!" abusers may threaten. No, they choose to be angry. After the fact, abusers may say, "You made me do it!" No, victims don't cause bruises or other effects. So often sexual assault victims receive the blame--"She's so beautiful," "She wore slutty clothes," "He liked it when I touched him," and so on. Abusers blame the real victims. Sometimes, other friends or family members blame the victims too.
Often, abusers claim they are victims of libel, assault, and harassment when victims or others reveal the truth. Abusers use the law for vengeance. A police woman monitors her husband's private messages on Facebook. (Facebook doesn't protect your privacy.) A victim reports abuse and the abuser claims libel. Victims, or a friends of victims, physically defend themselves, and they are charged with assault. Abusers file for protection orders. They claim others are the real abusers.
Be careful not to let abusers fool you into thinking they are the victim. Following the Spirit is the best way to discern other's motivations even if they appear friendly.
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