An incident reminded me of a hurtful time that sent my thoughts racing.
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| Tired Me |
Christmastime can be a difficult time for me as my body is overproducing melatonin. I feel tired yet I have difficulty sleeping. Last Christmas I felt suicidal two days before my GRE exam. I spiraled when babysitting plans fell through last minute and my husband hesitated on canceling his plans to watch the children. Then I took the GRE and had a bout of diarrhea midway through the exam. I thought it was really bad gas, but no, I discovered it was diarrhea the hard way. Oh, that was an uncomfortable two hours finishing the exam.
This Christmas season feels easier than last year because I
am not applying to graduate school. Luckily, I didn’t get accepted for Fall
2020 because I would have really hated attending college during this pandemic.
Naturally, I had to tell you about last year’s Christmastime
because my mind has been running forward and backward in time. Now I can get to
the matter at hand.
Yesterday, I talked with someone who mentioned knowing
someone that had hurt me several years ago. This old someone had refused to
communicate with me when we had several commitments to fulfill together. It
snowballed. I wrote through my feelings several years ago in my journal, so
I thought my feelings had been resolved. I explored my
emotions last night to understand why what happened still bothered me. I
realize I wanted a connection with this other person, but it became impossible
when she refused to communicate with me. Our communications have remained
shallow ever since. And that is how it will stay because of her choice.
One incident involved shaming a child over what I viewed as
inconsequential. My mind spun on this incident because I have had people shame
my children and other children for something all children do (and many adults
do in private — like picking plaque off teeth). This action is viewed as
“gross” and unclean. In our current climate of this pandemic, some may view
this action as possibly “killing” someone because a person may spread germs.
(Hey, I thought germs just do what germs are genetically coded to do: multiply
and spread in human hosts.) Yet
children doing this “dirty” deed attend school daily and don’t spread Covid-19
nearly as much as adults do.
So, my mind thought of all the ways we shame each other over
normal bodily functions. Many examples flitted through my mind while I lay in
bed for hours. Eventually, I fell asleep and woke too soon. I tried resting
twice through today, but my mind keeps racing.
I read through old journal entries to understand myself
better so I can improve. I recognized that I had a lot of pain because of some
adults and some children shaming me for years. I don’t want other children to
feel that same shame I felt. That’s why I approached this person years ago
about her shaming methods. However, she passed it off as a difference of
opinion. Sure, we can have a difference of opinion, but the true problem is
forcing that opinion on other children and other adults. It is fine to teach
children sanitary habits, but it isn’t fine to guilt-trip them to stop an
action.
Tomorrow I have a counseling appointment so maybe I can talk
through some of these negative feelings instead of writing about them to you
dear reader. But I am sure you needed this information in your life. It is unbelievably
valuable information to know:
Don’t try to figure out mutual acquaintances with others.
That’s what Facebook stalking is for.
So, reader, have you ever regretted discovering a mutual
acquaintance? Do your thoughts race often? Finally, how is your Christmas
season going?
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