Lehi High Chemistry Teacher Let Fear Turn into Bullying Some Students

Learning from this teacher’s mistakes, how can we channel our fear into positive outcomes?

Via Public Domain Photos

Scrolling through Facebook, a post mentioned chemistry teacher Leah Kinyon’s berating students on the first day of school. I searched through the news and my Facebook feed. Some parents on Facebook understandably called for her to be fired. After school on the first day, Alpine School District put the teacher on administrative leave. In the afternoon, the district announced she is no longer an employee (either fired or resigned).

After watching videos and reading comments, I determined Kinyon acted out of fear. She has let her fear of COVID-19, Trumpism, climate change, and anti-LGBTQIA sentiment turn into secondary anger toward others. Her anger manifested as intimidation, bullying, and name-calling toward some students and their parents for several years. Some parents and students feel fear from her actions too. In a way, Kinyon’s actions and the student’s actions represent how we all react to fear.

How can we address these fears in positive ways?

Summary

• Address fear of the pandemic to civil advocacy of your beliefs
• Apply the scientific method to parents’ beliefs
• Understand the fear LGBTQIA and their families face, and the fear on the other side. Understand that we can disagree agreeably about LGBTQIA issues and achieve a compromise of “fairness for all.”
• Recognize free will creates chaos in a democracy
• Address abuse with the offender and then authorities kindly and privately
• Strive to love those outside your circle

Coping with the Pandemic

Many of us fear the effects of COVID-19 and government policies, which fear may manifest as anger or despair. For Kinyon, she fears unvaccinated students passing the COVID variants to her and her family. She understands the suffering it has caused and feels frustrated others aren’t doing their part, just as we all feel about our “side”. 

In our fear, like Kinyon’s, we sometimes place blame on human “spreaders” for the suffering and death caused by the Covid-19 virus. We hate that we can’t control the virus because it isn’t a flesh and blood enemy to conquer. Instead, we dehumanize anyone not following our rules into the virus to retain our false sense of control. After all, we have some ability to control people. Yet we balk when others resent or defy our control over their free will. We justify banning free will under the banner of “right to life.” We fail to see that suffering or dying from the virus is a natural cause. No human deprived someone of their right to life. Nature did.

We can acknowledge the loss of control, to find what is within our individual control, such as personal hygiene and vaccination. We can share our experiences to encourage others to do the same. For example, Kinyon could be a compassionate advocate for the vaccine. She congratulated one student on the vaccine. Why not encourage, instead of shaming, others to vaccinate too?

Instead of turning to anger or despair, we can turn our fear into action, hope, and courage. Hope that the vaccine offers better protection. Hope that the virus is rarely fatal. Hope that we can adjust and thrive despite a virus. Courage to serve others in time of need. Courage to wear a mask, or not to wear a mask. Courage to maintain and encourage civility. 

What positive emotions do you turn your fear into?

Examining Parents Opinions VS Calling for Rebellion

Kinyon drew on teenagers’ desire to question or rebel against what their parents believe. She stated, “My parents were freakin’ dumb!” and that her world opened up after she stopped believing them. She admonished students to follow suit. This statement shows she has partially stayed in a rebellious mindset. Instead, this science teacher could teach students to apply the scientific method, to rigorously examine their parents’ political and scientific beliefs. Then let students form their own conclusions from presented facts, so they may adopt, adapt, or reject their parents’ beliefs. In this way, Kinyon could have promoted healthy independence.

Have you changed your childhood beliefs? Why?

Caring for LGBTQIA Individuals and Others

Bullying and shunning LGBTQIA individuals happen in Utah despite the urging of political and spiritual leaders to love them. According to the 2019 SHARP survey, LGB students experienced about 30% more suicidal ideation than heterosexual students. During my high school years, two classmates expressed their fear negatively that suicide or bestiality was better than being homosexual. Thus, when I felt same-sex attraction as a junior, I panicked. These attitudes, the weaponization of traditional marriage, and a subculture of perfectionism contribute to the LGBTQ suicidal ideation in Utah.

So I get why Kinyon fears for the LGBTQIA students as a Gay-Straight Alliance mentor. She wants to help them feel accepted and loved. However, her fearful approach backfires because she is excluding those who disagree with her (evidenced by “Get out!” in the video). Her exclusive approach alienates those who disagree on LGBTQ issues, instead of inviting them to the discussion where persuasion usually happens. Maybe on her better days, she shows kindness to all students when she sets aside politics.

How can we show love for both LGBTQIA individuals and others? 

Understand Free Will is Chaotic

Politics in a democracy center around free will and persuasion, thus multitudinous viewpoints. The hope is to argue the points kindly, listen to others, adjust positions, and hopefully find solutions fair for everyone. This process appears contentious and chaotic at times when everyone can voice their opinion. Why other countries consider Americans crazy! We will step on each other’s toes. We will offend each other (there is no right to not be offended). What one person does will affect another person. Yet that doesn’t mean someone has always violated another’s free will when it is a natural consequence.

We circumvent the free exchange of ideas when we engage in name-calling, shaming, shunning, or any other method to control another. Because Kinyon fears the influence of Trump and his supporters in the US, she intimidated students with Trumpist views to shut down their speech. This type of attitude on any side of the debate hurts the democratic process.

Kinyon also allowed her burnout and students’ comments to fester her. Understandably, she expressed her frustration, but in the wrong place and time. She probably needs mental rest, like the rest of us.

What do you do to rejuvenate your mind before a difficult discussion?

Overcome Fear to Report Bullying and Abuse

According to parents and students on my Facebook feed, Leah Kinney has acted similarly for eight years. Comments implied students had reported her behavior before. Maybe she received discipline. If she did, it failed to correct the mistakes. Sadly, it took a video to social media to initiate correction. Eric Moutsos revealed Kinyon’s name, workplace, and appearance, which publicly shamed her whether Moutsos intended to or not. Moutsos could have withheld identifying details and blurred her face in the video to let the content speak for itself.

The victims, or students, in Kinney’s case, feel intimidated because the teacher has power over them. I understand that fear as a student. In fifth grade, Mr. L. told D.S., “Damn you to hell” and threatened to paddle us with “Big Bertha” for disobedience. I circulated a classroom petition for him to stop swearing (really verbal abuse). Mr. L. justified to weepy me that he only used biblical words. I directed my fear into action to rectify a problem. Yet I didn’t know to report the verbal abuse to the principal, or even higher.

In my experience schools create an insular space where others fear to report harassment and bullying because of indifferent administrators. For example, I experienced retaliation when I reported workplace harassment as a school substitute. I privately addressed my concerns to the offender, then the school administration yet all justified her badgering. Days later, I received a notice that the substitute agency banned me from subbing at that school due to my “contentious and unprofessional” behavior. Despite my suicidality upon receiving the news, I engaged that fear to report to the district’s human resources department and the substitute agency’s local representative. HR and the representative concluded I could sub the next year at that school, and they would address the teacher’s behavior confidentially. I discovered the agency’s policy was to ban subs at schools whenever the faculty reported issues. In other words, retaliation against subs is a de facto policy.

Those reporting infractions show courage for their actions because of the potential fallout. Yet it matters how and why they report too. Reporting abuse needs to make an effort to correct — not punish — the offender and support the victim. In our society, some desire to destroy and avenge the offender. Both sides deserve love.

What happened when you blew the whistle? Why did you do it?

Love Your Enemies

Kinyon and most of us easily love those who show loyalty and have similar beliefs. We enjoy it when someone aligns their free will with ours. We may create a “tribe” of loyal friends that eventually excludes others. When someone threatens a friend, we defend our tribe, in turn attacking another “tribe.” Hurt feelings may fester into enmity. Thus, we need to remove our mental barriers and expand our circle to those with different viewpoints. And to those who hurt us too within certain boundaries.

Some Pandemic Measures to Stop COVID-19 Deaths Increase Mental Illness and Deaths of Despair

Photo by Author

My thoughts are somewhat scattered writing this. I have tried multiple times to write about the mental health crisis for myself and others, but I struggle to make it coherent since I am often overwhelmed when beginning. Initially published on my Medium page 1/15/21.

I feel like this pandemic has hurt so many people mentally — more than we will know for years. We put the value on physical life — as in not dying from the coronavirus or other diseases — but some in the government and media and some regular Joes care less about those who are at increased risk of a “death of despair.” We don’t matter because we are not obvious to the world. Our deaths are recorded as something other than suicide. We are recorded as the man run over by a train or the “selfish” man who dared defend himself. We are another gun violence statistic quoted to deny us guns needed for our self-protection.

I understand that COVID-19 is a deadly disease for many. I don’t want my parents to get it. I don’t want people to live in fear of getting it. But it has spread because no human can stop nature. We can only take a few measures to mitigate the damage. Yes, masks and social distancing help. And living a healthier life would help too. But the pandemic has been used for the reason to deny people work and critical social interaction.

Talking with My Therapist about the Mental Health Impacts

I discuss many of my feelings with my therapist as I go through this. She has shared that the normal burnout people experience in late winter happened in October. Her office waitlist has increased exponentially. My son who was put on the top of that waitlist, waited three months to be seen. Current patients have also doubled their normal visits, including me who quadrupled my visits over the summer. She expresses how mental health professionals must deal with the anxiety of both clients wearing the mask and not wearing the mask, of clients’ fears when others wear or not wear a mask, those who lose loved ones to COVID-19, and those who lose loved ones to deaths of despair. They counsel those who have lost their jobs, lost social connection due to shutdowns and social distancing, and an overall sense of powerlessness. Truly, mental health professionals are left to deal with all the negative consequences.

The Mentally Ill Need Help Too

My opinion and so many other opinions on our personal mental health have been poo-pooed because we don’t fit the current narrative. The 11-year-old boy who died by suicide while attending virtual school doesn’t fit the agenda that children are adjusting to all-day online school. We are only worth listening to if it fits the majority opinion’s agenda. I am tired of being on the agenda when it is only about denying me access to firearms or increasing the federal budget. Our needs and lives matter as much as anyone else’s needs and lives. Yes, we disagree on the different approaches. Sometimes it feels like we have to fight harder to receive the help we need.

And what is the help we need IMO? Access to firearms to protect ourselves. Access to “nonessential” jobs. Access to therapy that isn’t so overrun due to the media and government (both parties) stoking our fear of physical death. Access to robust healthcare, but our healthcare has been crippled through government interference in the healthcare industry. Access to the money that we earn instead of withholding it in payroll taxes. If we want the money back, we have to wait until tax return time or navigate the impossible network of applying for disability. Access to housing, which property taxes threaten to take away. Physical access to friends and family (guess what? hugs increase happiness and immunity).

A Doctor, the Media, and Politicians Downplay Mental Illness

In the current environment, mentally ill people are treated like we don’t exist if we don’t fit a person’s narrative. It feels the only people being acknowledged as having a mental illness are those who fear themselves or loved ones dying of COVID-19. One local pediatrician posts regularly (and friends and family repost) that our anxiety is only temporary whereas those who experience COVID-19, die from it, or have a loved one die of it experience greater mental and physical health consequences. Are others who relapse into addiction, self-harm, or hurt others due to loneliness, joblessness, and homelessness only experiencing “temporary” anxiety? Are suicide and drug overdose deaths “temporary” anxiety?

Having that “temporary” anxiety mixed with bipolar 2 and PTSD, I know that my scars from suicide attempts are only “temporary.” And it would have only been “temporary” if I died (except my husband stopped me).

The media dishonestly covers the lockdown’s effect on mental illness because they downplay its effects. A one-sided article appeared that the Utah Suicide Prevention Commission claimed that those wearing a mask felt better mentally because they feel protected, yet failed to mention those who experience anxiety due to masks. They also stated that there was not an increase in suicides in Utah when we don’t know if there is a suicide increase until the CDC publishes the information in 2022. Personally, I lost trust in this commission because they won’t delve into the multi-faceted effect of the “stop the spread” campaign’s effect on the mentally ill.

If I have reservations about the Coalition’s opinion, it is because I read accident reports that I know are suicides or are most likely suicides. I also know that statistics in other countries show a different story. In Japan, suicide has increased by 83% for women and 22% for men in October 2020. Sixty-six more people have died from suicide than COVID-19 in Japan as of October. Both COVID-19 and mental illness are deadly. Neither should be downplayed.

Accusing Others of Murder Denies Physical and Mental Reality

On Veteran’s Day, the Deseret News ran a story on a WW2 vet who passed away from COVID-19 and old age. The story delves deeply into how the family claims people are so selfish for not obeying the pandemic rules. It is only the fault of “selfish” people that they couldn’t gather at his death bed and that he died. There was no mention that it is actually the nursing home and hospital policies restricting access to dying loved ones. And that this is all in place because of the VIRUS. It is no one’s fault. The family will understandably feel rage, but it isn’t appropriate for the news to publish that without any counterbalance in the article or another article. Instead, the stories of those who are suffering from psychological distress or dying deaths of despair are lost in the police/criminal section.

When a relative broke down emotionally via telephone last summer, she accused me and “Utahans” of murdering my parents. I told her no. It is COVID-19 or nature that kills. It is not me or other Utahans. I soothed her fears, but I didn’t express my pain to her. At that moment, she couldn’t handle it. Later I approached her about my pain. She thought it hadn’t affected me because I didn’t show the personal pain or loneliness. Conversely, she felt suicidal due to others mocking her for wearing a mask and concern for her health and our older relatives’ health. We both worried about losing our older relatives. Yet the pandemic measures also stopped this older couple’s home health care. In Spring 2020, one almost fell into a diabetic coma and another had a stroke. Thankfully, another relative lives near the older couple so he could check on them.

Heavy-handed Lockdown Measures Increase Potential for Riots

There are additional consequences to the lockdown. I believe the protests have more easily turned into riots because of the heavy-handed measures. George Floyd had lost his job due to the government shutdown when he was being arrested for paying with fake money. If he hadn’t lost his job (and a bad cop kneeling on him), would he be alive today? Some minorities lost their “nonessential” jobs. When the racial tension built, the jobless minorities joined in protests that sometimes turned into deadly riots.

Politicians make more laws to “slow the spread” that the police have to enforce. When we already have increased tension with police, why are we increasing the need for police? And why are these measures mostly for the people and not the politicians? Overall, this is bad for mental health.

My Personal Struggles

I don’t often share how often and how difficult my struggles have been through the pandemic. I have tried to kill myself many times from March 27 to January 14. Each time, my self-harm has escalated. I am lucky because I have a counselor, medication, a home, a husband with a job. Yet I still have been on the physical brink of death despite increased help. The times of self-harm have been affected by pandemic measures such as the closure of parks, a teacher bullying me about an obsessive level of cleanliness for several weeks, people on Facebook bullying me for stating others have a different opinion on masks, lack of social interaction, and the cost for increased mental illness care for myself and family. Other factors come into play, but my suicidality has been greater than the eight years previously.

We need to find a better balance to increase everyone’s mental health, instead of a small minority’s mental health, while taking reasonable measures to “slow the spread.”

See the Whole Person: both Good and Bad

During my high school chemistry class, I thought I had a perfectly funny comeback in my head. My guy friends would sometimes joke, “Die!” when playing war or video games. Thus, I felt it was okay to blurt out, “I hope you die!” to a guy friend. The whole class of six people froze. Stunned, the teacher told me not to say that. Most were flabbergasted because that didn’t fit my character at all. I fumbled an apology with a strange explanation. They ignored me for the rest of class. The next day everyone talked to me like normal. They had forgiven me for my stupidity.

Via Wikipedia

Five years later, I read Orson Scott Card’s book, Speaker of the Dead and one lesson stuck with me: People have a mix of good and bad. Andrew “Ender” Wiggins in Ender Games destroyed the hostile aliens because he empathized with them. In Speaker of the Dead, Andrew Wiggins shared the good and bad qualities of the hostile aliens, which opened the eyes of the public years later. His new mission changed to sharing deceased persons’ narratives of their good and bad points.

Like Ender, we understand people better when we empathize with them. We recognize the good and bad actions and personality traits they have. We understand their motivations for their actions. Whether or not we agree with those actions, we understand why people act as they do.

In our current day, we need to see people from the past and present as an entire person before “canceling” them. We need to put their words and actions into context before making a final judgment. In the meantime, we can set temporary boundaries around inappropriate words and actions. For example, my chemistry teacher corrected me and my classmates looked at me strange and ignored me for a day. They saw I recognized my error and we all moved on.

Thus, it behooves me to forgive others their stupidity as I have been forgiven of my stupidity.

We have all made mistakes, or sinned terribly, but most of us have learned from those mistakes and sins. Look at how the person is acting now. Has the person apologized? Has the person deleted those awful words? Have they made appropriate compensations?

Instead of “canceling” a person, how can we encourage a person to change?

Overall, we need more positivity and love in our world to change lives for the better.

My Thoughts on Impeachment

As a sophomore in high school 21 years ago, we were assigned to write a persuasive essay over Christmas Break. I stayed at my cousin’s grandparent’s turn-of-the-century home while on vacation. The light flooded through their parlor windows on the piano and on my fingers as I revised and rewrote my essay. I chose to write about the importance of having righteous leaders in our country and when to oust them as leaders. I used scripture references from The Book of Mormon where King Mosiah instructs his people on setting up a representative democracy.

Via Public Domain Photos

My parents watched the Clinton impeachment hearings almost every day. When I visited my parents recently, the Senate impeachment hearing was on the background while my parents, brother and I talked. Twenty-one years ago and now, we had discussions about the freedom of our country and the role of the President. I imbued those values in my writing and speaking. I lost that persuasive essay from 21 years ago, but I still have one poem.

To the Senate

I hope with all my heart
Each one will do their part —
With courage stand tall
And make the giant fall.

I hope they won’t take light
The judgment for not doing right.
Why do they cower
Now at the eleventh hour?

Why do they not defend
Truth to the very end?
Why do they fuel the battery
Of the giant’s flattery.

I compare Bill Clinton’s actions to Donald Trump’s actions now to evaluate whether we should oust one President or not. Bill Clinton and Donald Trump are both womanizers, but Bill Clinton raped women and lied about it. He was impeached because he lied and obstructed justice about his actions toward Monica Lewinsky and Paula Flowers. Donald Trump paid for prostitutes, but it was between two consenting adults. I imagine Trump could easily be convicted for sexual harassment on multiple charges.

Bill Clinton is a slippery man and a flatterer. Donald Trump is an arrogant jerk. Trump purposefully pushes peoples buttons in obvious ways. I believe if people ignored him, some of his poor behavior would go away. Is he a good president? Sometimes he accomplishes good things depending on who you talk to. I appreciate that the economy has improved under Donald Trump’s presidency. Personally, I think some of his actions — or inaction — has been good. But he can be nasty too.

Do I think Donald Trump should be outed as President?

I believe he has overstepped some of his bounds as far as power goes. Maybe not purposefully, but because he is brash. He isn’t one for formal rules. I believe he abuses power when it suits his purposes. But I don’t think it would be useful to impeach him. There is only one year left in his presidency. I would prefer Mike Pence over Donald Trump.

I trust Trump will act in his self-interest; thus, he will be predictable. He acts rashly on Twitter with no filter, but he is a strategist.

I won’t vote for Donald Trump in the next election. Either major party — give us a morally decent centrist candidate. Anyone who follows the Constitution and Bill of Rights. I will probably vote libertarian or some third party candidate.

No One Has Privilege When We Pull Each Other Down

I hear of males having privilege or females having privilege. The whites have privilege or blacks have privilege. In the intersectional hierarchy, white males have the ultimate privilege. But you go down and people of color, LGBTQ, and women don't have privilege. You talk to others that say that women have more privileges than men now because they are in the majority attending college and so forth.

Who really has the privilege? No one, yet everyone.

Via Public Domain Photos

My high school Spanish teacher taught us a life lesson he learned on the beach in Mexico from a man catching crabs. The teacher asked the man why he didn't cover the bucket of crabs. Surely, the crabs would escape. No, he reassured him, the crabs pull each other down.

We are all crabs in a bucket trying to get out, only we are pulling the other crab's legs in our struggle to climb the ladder.

I believe that sometimes men have advantages and sometimes women have advantages. Sometimes, white skin has advantages, but sometimes black skin has advantages. Historically, black skin in America most often meant slavery or subhuman treatment. Sometimes, being a minority helps a person land a job or a scholarship. But being a minority also might mean getting your braids whipped by a TSA agent.

Occasionally, I felt at a disadvantage in China with white skin and being a tourist. I was charged more at times and whispered about some. I was told not to look "poor" by the school I volunteered at when I crocheted blankets on a trip. I was supposed to be the "rich American." Well, I was a poor American then. My white skin has advantages in the US for not being profiled for crime.

Man versus woman plays out in the courtroom so often with rape claims, sexual harassment claims and divorces. Generally, men have a physical advantage over women. Some men physically or emotionally abuse their girlfriends or wives and children. On the other hand, some women physically or emotionally abuse their boyfriends or wives and children. There is also legal abuse that is a huge problem. We have false accusations that tarnish reputations of men or women. These come with restraining orders and child custody battles. Fathers or mothers sometimes won't see their children for years. Depending on which gender you favor most, the legal, religious, and social leaders tend to side with that person and defend with that man or woman to the end. I watch cases where it doesn't matter what the truth is: only ideology matters.

I really hope people look at their biases clearly here with who is right or wrong. Sometimes, we feel that a woman is weaker and has been trampled on by her abusive husband. Other times, we look at the man and feel he has been nagged to death by his wife. But are we really looking at the truth? Sometimes one or both parties is lying. We need to do our best to discern truth from error. Nevertheless, in a breakup situation, both need love. Both need help within the necessary boundaries people can give.

Ultimately, evil and pride are what prevails in winning the battle in a fallen world at times. It is what destroys individuals, marriages, families, and nations. It is the pitting of one group against another based on some characteristic such as gender, race, nationality, and so on. Satan or the humanistic tendency toward pride and chaos causes the divisions among us. Paul stated "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus." Our differences are fine as long as we don't use them as a tool to divide one another.

Addicts and their Families Need Support

Via Public Domain Photos

For a summer, I was a case manager at a day treatment center where several of the clients dealt with multiple addictions. I was too young to recognize all that I really could have done. But I have learned so much more about addiction and recovery.

Most of us know someone who deals with an addiction or compulsion. We may deal with an addiction or compulsion ourselves. It can be very difficult to be supportive for someone who has an addiction or compulsion. It is a balance between support and not enabling them in their bad habits.

The journey is very personal and not something we can always openly talk about. Sometimes, we suffer in private. There are resources for those who are the support system of addicts. We need to take that support for ourselves. We need to engage in regular self-care. If we haven't taken care of ourselves, we have nothing to give to anyone else. We need to also recognize that we cannot change the addict. Only the addict can change themselves.

Many spouses or other long-time support of addicts suffer from betrayal trauma. It is a form of relationship trauma and PTSD from dealing with the subtle or sometimes outright abuse. The abuse is sometimes unintentional, but it still hurts other people.

Professional help and support groups can help the support person and addict on the journey to healing and recovery.

When I was 10 years old, I stepped on a broken beer bottle at a local reservoir. I bled from the circle wound in my foot. My mom took me to the clinic where the doctor put in stitches. Someone's addiction to alcohol (and littering) caused my injury. But there was also a way to heal that injury.

Glass Shards

One bottle smashed to the ground
Two bottles smashed to the ground
One step into the street
Two steps into the street
One shard into my foot
Two shards into my feet

One bottle crushed in the puddle
Two bottles crushed in the puddle
One jump into the water
Two jumps into the water
One fragment in my calf
Two fragments in my calves

One truth smashed to the ground
Two truths smashed to the ground
One step down to hell
Two steps down to hell
One soul shred in two
Two souls shred in two

One lie crushed beneath our feet
Two lies crushed beneath our feet
One rung up the ladder
Two rungs up the ladder
One stitch in the wound
Two stitches in the wound


I believe in hope with the Savior for those hurt by addiction and the addicts. It may be long and difficult road, but worth the journey.


Spouse and Family Support:

Church of Jesus Christ Spouse and Family Guide
Al-Anon
Smart Recovery
PalGroup
American Addiction Centers

Sexual Compulsion Help:

Addressing Pornography-Church of Jesus Christ
Utah Coalition Against Pornography
Lifestar
The Betrayed, The Addicted, The Expert podcasts
Betrayal Trauma Recovery (spouse)

Addiction Recovery:
Church of Jesus Christ 12 step groups
Alcoholics Anonymous
List of Alcohol Addiction Recovery article
US National Helpline Substance Abuse 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
Narcotics Anonymous

Jesus Suffered for the Victim and Abuser

"New Growth" among the ashes
Via Public Domain Pictures

This subject is sensitive and this is my opinion. Readers are welcome to take what helps them and ignore what doesn't.

As I grew up, I knew that Jesus suffered for the sins of the every person. I learned that he suffered for every pain and sickness and other infirmities (Alma 7:11-13). The Atonement covers all human suffering. Jesus felt all that pain in the Garden of Gethsemane and again on the cross. Through his pain we become new creatures (2 Corinthians 5:17).

I knew that I was a person who sinned who needed to be forgiven. I also knew that at times people hurt me, and I needed that hurt taken away. I was not perfect and no one else was perfect.

In our world, Satan lies to people that no one is worthy of redemption. He discourages individuals from praying: that we are unworthy to pray, or that we have sinned too much to repent (See 2 Ne. 32: 8).

Victims sometimes are mistreated in the process of seeking healing. (Here are healthy ways to help.) They run into people blaming them instead of the abuser for the abusive act. The abuse is not their fault. This victim-blaming is not good. Sometimes it is intentional; sometimes, it is unintentional. This complicates the wounds of the victim. They feel that they are unworthy.

Jesus understands a victim's pain and shame. He can empathize in that dark hole.

Victims understandably feel anger because of some of the shaming they have felt. Their anger is a part of the natural process of grieving. However, it is not okay to hurt others, hurt oneself, or hurt things when a victim is angry. Satan can sometimes twist the step of anger into contention. Satan can lead victims to lash out against those who make mistakes trying to heal them and those who propose healing or forgiveness. Victims can choose how, when, or if to forgive.

Some in our culture have put victimhood on a pedestal and made redemption and forgiveness a horrible act. Now it is guilty before proven innocent with little or no due process. We just need moderation and truth. Ironically, the pendulum swung the other way during the late 90s when forgiveness without boundaries was preached.

The word 'abuse' has been so hackneyed and thrown out for every offense in the world. Abuse has almost lost it's meaning or has become such a shock word that people almost always overreact. I used to overreact at 'abuse.' I had to redefine this word without the shock value after two people shamed me over child abuse.

I have had moments of suicidal thoughts that I have expressed aloud. My son heard me a few years ago. It is abuse in front of children. However, I need help, not shaming by society to overcome such a problem. My son and I both received counseling. I have seen others in society shame the mentally ill for abuse of their children over this. This is a call for help, not an opportunity to shove someone when they are down.

Being a victim of intimidation by a child predator, I felt powerless for a time. But I had to act. I informed police and religious leaders of instances of stalking. I would not take the intimidation lying down. I love this abuser, so I knew he needed to be held accountable for his actions. This is how he will hopefully change his heart and he may repent one day. Very little has happened, but that's how life is. I don't believe anything will happen, but because key people are aware of the situation, he is limited in how many children he can hurt. I hope and I pray he repents. I know that Jesus Christ suffered for his sins. I know that Jesus Christ suffered the pain of every one of his victims. They can find healing in the Savior. The morass can only be made fair through the Atonement. Redemption is for the sinner and the saint.

Stress Is a Killer--or a Weight Gainer!

"Stress, it's a killer, sir." Source

I attended a stress management class recently. As the bat Bartok in the animated Anastasia says, "Stress, it's a killer, sir." Chronic stress hurts the body: increased risk of heart disease, high blood pressure, weakened immune system, depression, muscle and joint problems, weight gain, and more.

Stress Curve

The psychiatrist presented several ideas that revealed insight for me. One is the stress curve. The curve shows where a functional level is. Some stress is good, but not too much or too little (ironically). Some stress motivates us to solve our problems or hone coping skills. However, you can reach the burnout end of the curve and literally shut down. I hope to be at the low end of the optimum stress curb, though I sometimes feel at the overload phase. Burnout happens to me every few months (especially when I don't sleep enough).

Source

Stresses

She had us identify our stresses. I wrote them down and realized I have a lot on my plate. Well, I know there's a lot on my plate. Most people have a lot on my plate.

Here's what's on my plate:

1. Abusers hurting beloved children.
2. My body image and weight.
3. Raising a family (this is good and bad stress).
4. My aging parents struggling physically and emotionally.
5. Feeling limited to help others in need or do all the ideas that come to mind.

Levels of Control

The group discussed different methods of stress relief. There are two ways to manage stress: problem-solving and coping skills. The type of stress management depends on the level of control we have over the situation. Some is in our direct control, under our influence, or a concern completely out of our control. 

Steven Covey model (from here)

Looking at my stresses only some of it is under my control or influence. Much of it is out of my hands. I focus on what I can do now. I work on my goals to go to sleep earlier, eat better, and exercise. I've taken steps to protect my children and report to proper authorities. I visit my parents and extend a helping hand when I am physically and emotionally able. That is in my direct control.

Within my circle of influence, I write and talk about protecting others, repenting, and coping strategies. I comfort who I can comfort. I keep my children alive and maybe they absorb other lessons along the way. I pray for myself, my family, my friends, my acquaintances, my enemies, and strangers. I pray my enemies repent!

Several of my stresses fall within the concern circle, which I have no control over. I have reported abusers to authorities, but these practiced and calm liars deceive family, friends, and religious leaders. Many reported crimes fall through the cracks of bureaucracy or have insufficient evidence to convict. Mortal life isn't fair, but God will make eternal life fair.

Stress Management Ideas

The psychiatrist and the group discussed ideas for stress relief. I liked some of the ideas and some of them I already do. Most were coping skills. I do these:

• Work for adequate sleep
• Work on physical, spiritual and emotional self-care
• Counseling and proper bipolar medication
• Listen to music and stretch
• Recovery International techniques (when I remember)

The psychiatrist emphasized mindfulness, three good things activity, and gratitude. She encouraged focus on the positive for at least 15 seconds. It takes that long for the brain to register. Positive thoughts before bed promote better sleep and dreams.

"Children's Masks" by Lucy Toner

The three good things appealed to me. I told my husband three good things last night: married for 10 years (it was my anniversary), a comfortable bed for 10 years, and something forgotten. I expressed gratitude in my prayers too. The positive seeped into my dreams at 4 am. I envisioned when a friend "unfriended" me decades before Facebook. Her mother then showed me a scrapbook of the imaginary good times we had as friends. She had cared all along.

The three good things changed my dreams!

Here is what I will work on:

• Expressing gratitude
• Expressing three good things before bedtime
• Savoring moments for 15 seconds
• Stretching
• Continuing my other coping skills

So tonight, I'll tell my husband three good things...well I should write it down.

How do you manage stress? How do you handle stresses outside of your control?

Reducing Rape Culture Pt. 2: Personal Responsibility and Holding Others Accountable

"Close-up of The Thinker" by Brian Hillegas

Many in our society won't take responsibility for their own actions and we sometimes excuse each other's bad behavior. This promiscuity promotes rape culture as "boys will be boys," "girls just want to have fun," willful ignorance, and excuse for excuse. Lack of personal responsibility and excuses is a hallmark of sexual predators according to Dr. Leigh Baker. So how can we combat this?

Personal Responsibility

Reducing rape culture begins with the individual. We can't control others, but we can control ourselves. It begins at the level of thought. Consider, what do we feed our minds? Continual thought patterns leads to speech and action. I can make good choices; you can make good choices. When we make mistakes, we can hold ourselves accountable for our actions. No one else has to do that for us; we can do it for ourselves!

Teaching Responsibility

All of us can teach others responsibility who fall under our stewardship. First, we model responsible behavior. Then we teach responsibility in our homes, schools, churches, and other organizations. A large part of teaching responsibility is holding others accountable for their actions: praise for good things and natural consequences, or discipline, for bad things.

Holding Each Other Accountable

Many times we have excuses for sexual offenders that we believe: "It was so long ago" or "such a nice person wouldn't do such a thing." Sometimes offenders don't even have to defend themselves because their charmed followers do it for them. We enable sexual offenders when we excuse their behaviors in any way; or excuse any bad behavior, as simple as telling a crude joke at the workplace or locker room.

Sexual offenders rarely repent when they aren't held accountable by society, religions, and the government. They will try to get away with as much as they can for as long as they can. Many offenders are only afraid of jail and a tarnished reputation. For this reason, we need to report sexual offenses to the police and other government authorities. Reporting to clergy or an employer is not enough. Offenders simply move onto other unsuspecting organizations. Don't pass the buck!

Guardians

As parents, we have the power to shape our sons and daughters into responsible citizens. This begins with the mother and father showing respect to one another. Children will then model respect and empathy for others. Next, hold our children accountable for their actions and they will learn to self-govern over time. Since no one is an expert at parenting your child but you, find an approach that works for you and your child.

Sometimes, parents struggle to teach their children responsible sexual behavior, but you are the best source for that information! Encourage open communication with your child, so if they come across a problem, they feel comfortable coming to you. RAINN has more information here about communicating with your child.

Hold anyone responsible who hurts your child! Many parents don't want to rock the boat if it is a likable relative, coach, teacher, neighbor, or family friend. Your responsibility is your child's well-being, not maintaining a facade or a relationship with a "nice" sexual offender. Sexually abused children are at risk for depression, PTSD, anxiety, sexual dysfunction, infertility, STDs, death, suicide, and more. Your child is your treasure.

Religious Organizations

Churches should discipline their members and report to government authorities. Pastors, bishops, and religious leaders should take a victim seriously who reports to them. On occasion, victims may blame the wrong person or lie, but only the Spirit will witness the truth.

Some religious leaders shut off their brains when a likable member turns out to be a rapist, pedophile, or other sexual predator. Religious leaders need to take off their rose-colored glasses and rely on facts and spiritual intuition. In her book, Anna C. Salter lamented how religious people blind themselves that everyone has good in them. Some people are truly evil and brilliant practiced liars! Or their sin far outweighs the good.

Society and Media

Some in society and media celebrate sexual promiscuity and how many sexual partners someone has had. It becomes a game of sexual conquests--male and female. The foul language and crude jokes present in society and media fuels rape culture. Some media objectifies men's, women's, and adolescents' bodies, leading to disrespect for the opposite gender and children. Don't participate in such media! Gently offer correction when you see someone promoting rape culture.

Society and media should hold sexual offenders accountable for their actions--not run sensationalized stories on them or publish excuses for their behavior. Only report the facts and respect the privacy of the victims and the offender's families. It is traumatizing enough without total strangers judging them.

Government

The government plays a central role in holding criminals accountable. Politicians can take actions to catch and punish sexual predators. Reduce or eliminate government spending on anything non-essential. The savings can go toward catching sexual predators, funding rape kits, education, counseling for offender and victim, and prison time. Reduce salaries and retirements to the lower middle class level for elected and appointed officials. After all, the government is meant to serve, not enrich politicians! It's inexcusable for rape kits to be backlogged when a politician makes six figures. Hold your own accountable and only hire responsible and honest employees. And the list goes on...

In democratic countries we have more control over our government. How can we influence our government? First, vote in responsible representatives. Second, offer ideas, support, or correction to your elected leaders in a respectful manner. We can also pray for our government officials: they can use all the help they can get.

The Work Place

After I married, I worked in a hostile work environment. Employees imitated masturbation and other sex acts in front of rest home and mentally ill patients (some sex offenders) and other employees. They used sexually violent language and gestures: f***, b****, and the middle finger. I witnessed this several times a week. But it was all in a joking manner, so it didn't count according to the manager. No one approached me or touched me, but I felt violated and belittled. Continual crude language, jokes, gestures are sexual harassment whether directed at you or not. The manager condoned the sexual harassment under the guise of free speech. It isn't free speech when it violates someone else's rights. The US Equal Employment Opportunity Commission lists facts here on sexual harassment.

My employer promoted rape culture by her actions and inaction, whether intentional or not. We should have had mandatory education on this issue and employees reprimanded or fired for their behavior. Any criminal behavior should be reported to the police.

No one has to tolerate this and you can take action to prevent this. Address anyone committing sexual harassment. If it continues, report it to management. If your employer ignores the complaint or retaliates, report it to the EEOC or similar government agency. The EEOC will assist you to rectify the situation.

More than I Can Say

There are many ways to promote responsibility and reduce rape culture that I can't list here. With each step forward, we may prevent more sexual abuse and rape. It is worth the effort to save anyone from the horror of rape and to assist offenders in rehabilitation.

What are your thoughts on this issue?

The "I'm Right; You're Stupid" Argument

"Talking Heads 1" by Fran Hogan

As humans, we debate over many issues, which way is right or wrong or more useful. We call these arguments. The word argue is based on the reconstructed Proto-IndoEuropean root *arg- "to shine, be white, be clear" (also related to Latin argentum for silver). Arguments should shine light on an issue and make it clear. Expressing opinions in a respectful manner leads to issues becoming clearer. Usually we can combine approaches to reach a solution.

However, some "opinions"  are truth, belief, or scientific fact. You can argue all you want with gravity, but stepping off a cliff will still lead to a certain injury or death.

Argumentum Ad Hominem or the Personal Attack

Resorting to personal attacks is a common tactic in our society. These attacks vary and can be outright, subtle, or sarcastic. No matter how the attack is presented it is still a logical fallacy. It hurts others, and it only makes it more difficult to come to a real solution. We may question someone's actions, motivations, and credibility if it is relevant to the argument. 

Passive-Aggressive Put-downs

Passive-aggressive arguments often appear witty or educated, but they are still personal attacks! They may not say directly that you are stupid, unhinged, too emotional, but they imply it. These manipulations are more insidious than direct attacks. It is designed to make someone feel stupid or worthless without implicating the aggressor. Passive-aggressive manipulation is a form of dishonesty because the aggressor hides behind a facade of civility.

Direct Put-downs

I don't condone outright name-calling, but I prefer it over passive forms of put downs. It is more honest. And hey--it is more exciting! Kidding. I'm tired of politicians, activists, fanatics, and news pundits on any side calling each other names. Stick to the issues or talk about something else. Sometimes two sides won't ever agree, so there is no point for the debate.

Truth Matters

The truth matters whether it be spiritual, physical, scientific, and so on. We cannot deny truth when discussing issues because this will not lead to a solution. In this case, errors--whether intentional or accidental--should be called out in a respectful manner. This is not a personal attack, but seeking the truth. After all, the purpose of an argument is to shine light and make things clear. When an opponent is dishonest in any form, their credibility should be questioned.

Absolute Rights, Wrongs, and Neutrals

Many things are absolute rights or wrongs, no matter what people call it. Good cannot be called evil, nor evil called good. Most arguments are over neutral or trivial subjects. A trivial, neutral subject would be whether soccer or football is better. It doesn't matter in the eternal scheme of things. There are also situations where there are multiple ways to approach a solution. How we solve the problem of poverty has several approaches from the public and private sectors, many which are viable. The key is to maintain civility, respect agency, and dignify the poor in such discussions.

The Spirit of the Argument

When the spirit of contention enters an argument, the truth is lost amid the fight for dominance (see 3 Ne. 11:29). This is true even if someone may be technically right, but contentious. Arguments only achieve solutions when there is respect and truth-seeking on both sides. If one or both sides have the spirit of contention, then the argument achieves only hurt feelings. When someone testifies of truth in the spirit of meekness, others who are receptive will understand the truth too, even when the other person is contentious. After stating the truth, it is time to walk away.

Common Ad Hominem Attacks

We come across several different types of personal attacks when discussing issues: "I'm right, you're stupid;" "I'm right, you're crazy;" and "I'm right, shut up." These attacks, whether direct or indirect, hurt people and can become abuse as gaslighting.

I'm Right; You're Stupid

Is there any reason to insult someone's intelligence? Everyone has innate intelligence, with or without formal education. Everyone has a brain to think things through. All we need are the facts. Someone may have less formal education, but that doesn't mean they haven't spent the time studying or have experience in that area. Sometimes you don't have to study something in-depth to have an informed opinion. Sometimes, we instinctively know whether something is right, wrong, or neutral.

I'm Right; You're Crazy

First off, "crazy" is a relative term. Calling someone crazy is an abusive technique and throws logic out the window. This attack is often used on anyone an opponent disagrees with, whether that person has mental illness or not. Mental illness--like anxiety or depression--does not affect a person's reasoning capability. In the case of paranoia or hallucinations, this only interferes with reasoning for a time. Unfortunately, we discount the mentally ill too often, thus making them frequent targets of abuse.

Attacking Beliefs as Deceived or Delusional

Some claim moral or religious people are delusional or deceived because of their beliefs. Everyone has a belief system or religion, whether it be secularism, Judaism, humanism, Islam, atheism, Christianity, Buddhism, and so on. Some religious beliefs are truths that are spiritual and not quantifiable. It is a matter of faith. Other beliefs can be proven, but people will still choose not to listen. Some say they can speak with God, but they are sometimes ridiculed as delusional. That would make the majority of the world delusional. Praying is not delusional: it is an act of faith.

If we chose to ignore our moral beliefs, we would have complete anarchy. We don't have to agree on all beliefs to have a meaningful discussion. We need to respect each other.

I'm Right; Shut Up!

If this isn't an obvious affront to logical argument, I don't know what is. This defeats the purpose of seeking a solution. There are several ways to shut up an opponent: tell them to shut up, ignoring them, walk away, discredit them unfairly, jail them, sue them, hurt them. Several tactics are "legal": to sue someone into silence, threaten them with allegations, invade their privacy and so on.

There are times when you have to walk away from an argument in the case of personal attacks, lies, and contention. There is nothing to be accomplished at this point. Simply state the truth and go. 

Agree or Disagree Agreeably

There is no winner or loser in an argument. Anyone going for the symbolic victory only causes contention. Both sides "win" when they show respect to one another (including apologies). If there's no consensus afterward, simply disagree agreeably. There can be other discussions, or a truce. Really, everyone wants to be heard and understood. We want to feel validated, whether we are right or wrong.

The goals of an argument are to shine light on truth, make a clear path for solutions, and to show respect.

How have you dealt with these type of attacks? How do you disagree agreeably?