Struggling to Write

 My brain is either too tired or too wired to write

Via Public Domain Pictures

Since I was ten years old, I have been writing stories and dreamed of being published. Many novelists have the same dream from a young age, so I am one of many. It is about finishing a work, yet I struggle to finish.

Today I am tired after substituting a kindergarten class, taking my son to the clinic, and making dinner. I want to write fiction, but that doesn’t come as easily to me. I have trained myself to write a blog post over the last six years. It is harder to get back into writing fiction seriously.

I have been too tired for sixteen years since leaving on my Latter-day Saint mission. During the mission, I only wrote letters. After I came home early, I reordered my life to cope with my new diagnosis of bipolar 2. I worked two jobs until marriage. Then I worked more, attended college, fell asleep after work, and had children. I felt tired for 9 years. After my third son, I managed to have some energy to blog and ghostwrite two novellas. Then I felt too tired during my fourth pregnancy. About two years later, I felt I could blog again. In the meantime, I wrote several chapters in several books. I made minute progress and then I lost interest.

Having bipolar 2, my brain is also wired at times. I have many shiny new ideas for novels (and blog posts) that I never finish. I start some novels but struggle to go beyond a week or month. I become bored with the project. In high school and college, I managed to write “novels” of 20,000 words. They were rough drafts that became second drafts. I sent these to publishers with no bites. I understand why I had no bites now. They were not detailed enough. As my creative writing teacher at BYU stated, the novels lacked immediacy. I had mostly dialogue, but no details to ground the reader in the setting or action.

The novels I wrote needed reworking and the plots have changed over time. I have my list of plot ideas for the novellas I wrote in high school and college. Many ideas will fall by the wayside. That’s the nature of the beast.

Currently, I have ideas for a humanoid species who have different powers, such as mind-reading, object-reading, lip-reading, mind control, and empath powers. They are in a hierarchy of who rules over another species. This idea came from the BLM riots. History could be rewritten according to the prejudices and enslaving different “readers.” So far, I have written the creation stories of the mind-readers and lip-readers.

In order to finish many of my partial drafts, I need to reacquaint myself with the characters, settings, and plots. That can take several days or weeks that I just don’t want to “waste” during the hour or so I have time each day. I also find that I want to write about issues currently troubling me. I need to itch that scratch, per se.

What I can finish easily are poems. When my mind catches onto an idea, I can usually write a poem within days. Albeit, they may be excellent poems or mediocre poems. I may rework them later. I know others who struggle writing poetry yet can write fiction quickly. I have that momentary excitement and hyperfocus that can channel writing poetry. Not so much with novels.

Editing is another aspect of my writing. I can catch some errors quickly, while others are not so obvious. Some words I misspell almost every time: piece, niece, opportunity, and so on. Yet I can spell most words with great ease. Grammarly has been very helpful with the self-editing process.

I wondered if I still had my editing prowess since I haven’t been a tutor for 17 years. Recently, a relative and friend asked me to proofread their writing. My skills came back. I recognized error patterns that I could point out and revising for a specific audience. My friend said I retained her writing style, which makes me very pleased. That is the goal of editing: to retain the writer’s style through editorial changes.

Now here I am writing another blog post about writing instead of writing fiction. I can manage some blog posts within 2–4 hours, which is why I usually devote my time to blog posts.

One day I will write fiction with ease again. When my children are older. When my youngest leaves the house. When I finish vacationing during retirement. Okay, maybe that time will never come unless I change my habits.

C’est la vie.

My Thoughts on 2020 Latter-day Saint General Conference

I crocheted part of this during April Conference

For the last two days, I have watched around eight hours of my religion’s semiannual broadcast of church leaders. Being a lifelong member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have listened to hundreds of hours of religious talks. At age ten, I started crocheting during conferences on the first weekends of April and October. I still crochet to keep my hands busy. I occasionally write notes.

Weekly church meetings changed in mid-March to home worship. In June, our congregation met in small groups every third Sunday. I had been wearing street clothes for home worship for so long, I hesitated to wear a dress. I used to love wearing dresses, but I dislike them now chasing after children. So, the first Sunday back at regular church, I wore a nice shirt and pants. The next time we met, I reluctantly wore a dress.

This weekend I wore pajamas and street clothes watching General Conference, but it still tested my resolve because my typical home worship only lasts 15–30 minutes on Sundays.

While watching, I noted how many of the apostles have aged. Apostle David A. Bednar had brown hair when he became an apostle sixteen years ago (right before my mission). Now he has gray hair. Several of the apostles from my youth look very different today. For example, Matthew Holland, son of Apostle Jeffrey R. Holland, appeared much like the younger version of his father from the 90s. Wow! I am old and they are old too. Mostly, wiser.

Saturday Morning Session

President Russell M. Nelson opened General Conference sharing what blessings we have had through the pandemic despite the challenges. Families feel closer as they worship together. Missionaries are teaching more lessons, many online. Latter-day Saints have participated in many pandemic-related service projects, such as making masks. President Nelson stated that Heavenly Father is aware of us during this time. Many of my Priesthood blessings of late have that same phrase in them.

Elder David A. Bednar related his scripture study of the idea of tests. The word test is nowhere in the Bible, Book of Mormon, or Doctrine and Covenants (LDS scripture), but the words prove, try, and examine dot the pages. This life is our test to prove ourselves. Jesus grew incrementally in wisdom and spirituality. We can take his example of growing line upon line and grace to grace.

This talk reminds me of my college assignment to study Doctrine and Covenants 121:7 where Joseph Smith cries to God to release him from Liberty Jail. It states:

“… if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.”

I researched the etymology of experience and good for my assignment. I discovered experience is related to try. Thus when we are tried, we gain experience. The root for good may be related to Sanskrit gadhya, which means to seize (booty). So, when we are tried do we seize the good?

Young Women First Counselor Michelle D. Craig discussed how we desire to be seen deeply. Vice versa, we need to see others deeply. Sister Craig shared dhow she felt prompted to stop looking at her phone when she stood in lines. While in one line, she asked an older man about his cat because he had cat food in his cart. The man shared that it was his birthday. Sister Craig wished him a happy birthday. She likened this situation to the Good Samaritan parable. Being on a phone in line is similar to the priest and others passing the injured man.

Apostle Quentin L. Cook noted how the Church is around the 200-year mark, similar to when the Nephites and Lamanites in the Book of Mormon began dividing themselves about 200 years after Jesus visited them in the Americas. We are at a pivotal moment today to stay unified in purpose. Diversity strengthens our unity. Our different cultures, races, ethnicities, etc. contribute to each other’s knowledge. He noted some of the poor past actions within the Church toward Blacks and other minorities.

Manic Monday Musings

by Author's husband

Sunday nights and Mondays are just rough times. I used to have sleepless Sunday nights from my preteens to early twenties. Sunday nights are better now that I am not in school fulltime. I also take a sleeping pill. That probably makes a difference.

Homework Woes

My boys sometimes have rough Mondays or rough weeks. My teenager with anxiety struggles the most. He shuts down mentally and emotionally when he feels overwhelmed. Currently, school and homework present the largest challenges. He is failing in many of his classes because he has missed a lot of school days and he prefers to finish only his favorite classes first. He stated that he had finished homework each day. We discovered he had not finished all of his homework when staying at home. I kept him home for several days because he was sick. Other days, he had a case of nerves with stomachaches and headaches. My son’s anxiety can cause him to vomit. So it’s confusing to know when he is really sick.

My son is a video game addict. He obsesses about one game and moves onto another. His favorite games are on the PC. Sometimes he switches to multiple games within a day as a result of his limited attention span. Gaming probably contributes to that hyperactivity.

Today he stayed home with a headache, stomachache, and leg pain. I believe his leg pain is growing pain. He shoots up like a weed before his muscles and fat can catch up. His lanky body concerns me that he isn’t eating enough.

My son completed several of his computer class assignments without my assistance, but I helped him with English homework. I sat next to him so he stayed on task. I encouraged him to finish. I felt like I had to hold his hand through the entire process. We completed four or five assignments together over four-and-a-half hours.

Today he has had several meltdowns. He is worried he will fail all his classes and not be able to finish his homework. I suggested a father’s blessing and he said yes. My husband performed a blessing of comfort for him. I hope it helps my firstborn.

Monday has been hectic because my third son is at home too. I helped him with his homework for one-and-a-half hours. I really do have to “hold his hand” through homework since he has a specific learning disability.

Hanging Curtains

We have been hanging curtains in our basement over the weekend and today. We have twelve windows down there. It is nice to have so much light, but also a pain to hang curtains so we have some privacy. The TV Room has four five-foot by five-foot windows. All that light glares on the TV. We hung blackout curtains so we can watch movies during the day.

The curtains in my second son’s room were too sheer, so I had to buy more curtains to replace those. I needed to exchange another set of curtains because they didn’t have grommets like I thought they did. We only buy curtains with grommets so we can slide open the curtains. My husband and I switched around curtains this evening. Now no one can see my second son in his bedroom. Privacy is nice.

Counseling Appointment

I visited with my counselor tonight. We discussed ways to help my son complete his homework. She suggested making gaming his reward instead of him just expecting it every day. This has been a challenge and a blessing that all his homework is online. He can easily do it at home, but he is often tempted and distracted by games. I have to monitor his homework time. Sometimes I am just too busy or tired.

I expect some flak for changing his computer access because he has had issues since being a toddler. We have off times and on times of limiting his access. It was especially difficult last spring when school was online, he couldn’t visit friends, and the playgrounds were closed.

Smoke-filled Sinuses

Over the last four or five days, my sinuses have hurt due to the smoke particles collecting in them. Thank you wildfires. I irrigate my sinuses every day, take ibuprofen, and an expectorant/decongestant. That has helped to a degree. Finally today, my sinuses have cleared some. I am waiting for them to clear more. Unfortunately, post-nasal drip irritates my throat. My throat hurt terribly yesterday. I drank warm honey and lemon water to soothe my throat, which helped significantly. With all the congestion, I am coughing too. With COVID-19 in the air, I am concerned people will think I have it. But I don’t.

Saturday night, my husband gave me a blessing of healing. Heavenly Father promised to reduce the pain as I do my part to clear my sinuses. I hope this is true. I have had some epiphanies like drinking lemon juice and honey to ease my throat pain.

End of the Day

I am writing this entry to process my day. In a way, it is my journal since I have neglected regular journal writing. I used to write every day as a preteen and teenager. I wrote the most boring details, but I recognize now that the mundane moments shape us the most.

I plan to read some, play a mobile game, listen to music, and fall asleep.

Just relax. Just breathe.

How was your Monday?