April 29, 2014

I'm Right, You're Wrong

How often do I want to say these words? I think "I'm right; you're wrong!" many times. That's because I am right, even if it doesn't matter :).

Abraham Low, a cognitive behaviorist, taught that we don't need to go for the "symbolic victory." This only raises our tempers and raises our physical tension.

Often there is no right or wrong to many situations. It's merely a matter of opinion. Sometimes we just beat our heads against the wall.

Really, everyone wants to be heard and understood. We want to feel validated, whether we are right or wrong. We can disagree agreeably.

There are moral absolutes, but often these absolutes can be communicated in a kind way. We need to avoid contention.

Sometimes we just need to swallow our pride and say "I'm sorry." I'll keep working on it.

April 28, 2014

Forgiving Seven Times Seven

I am thinking of Jesus saying to forgive seventy times seven (Matthew 18:21-22). I thought of it as forgiving someone completely. Today I have a new thought about forgiving.

Sometimes we forgive someone once and we have flare-ups of anger. Now I realize that anytime I have a flare-up, which may happen 490 times, I need to forgive again.

I feel the anger build and I want revenge. I don't feel at peace. Abraham Low said that we excuse rather than excuse for our own mental health. I need to forgive so I can maintain my mental health. My mental and spiritual health are more important than revenge and bitterness.

I'll keep working to forgive 490 times.

April 26, 2014

Now I'm hungry for something sweet

So I told my husband to buy me some cookies at the store. He had to go to buy some other things and I pestered him about getting me cookies. He came home with cookies. Such a good husband--or should I say such an enabler? Anyway, I like the cookies :).

Icing on the Cake--Take a Look Inside

I see a beautifully iced cake. It has delicate piping on the sides and a pile of roses on it. It looks delicious. I hope it's not white cake. Personally, I'm in the mood for chocolate and raspberries.

I approach the cake and see edible family pictures pasted to the side. The family looks happy and normal. My mouth salivates. I'm done looking at the cake. I want to eat a slice.

I take the knife next to the cake and cut into it. As I slice it open, cockroaches skitter out of the cake. What the heck?

Suddenly, the images on the cake are different. The children look afraid and the parents look angry. Why didn't I see their negative emotions earlier?

I cry as I see the family's cake tumble and cockroaches skitter into the wall cracks.

I see remnants of pictures hidden inside the cake. The mother screams obscenities at her children and they cower. The father drags his toddler into another room and lays the toddler on the bed. The toddler screams and the father muffles the screams with a pillow. I have a feeling I know what comes next--not death, but something worse. The mother and father both hit the problem child and the toddler huddles in the corner.

The children grow and they lie and manipulate. They learned this from their parents. They live in fear and they wield fear on others. Some of the children stop the cycle. The world can see what really happened to this family.

The family appeared normal. They iced over the abuse. They made everything look pretty--even enviable. Others wanted to be them, but not anymore.

April 23, 2014

We are spirit sons and daughters of Heavenly Father

"And if children, then heirs; heirs with God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may also be glorified together"
 -Romans 8:17

We have infinite worth because we are sons and daughters of Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother. Our potential is limitless. Our potential goes beyond this mortal life. We will continue as immortals with physical bodies after our resurrection. We have the potential to be like God himself.

This life is a test; thus, it is hard. We have to earn our way, through the Savior's grace, back to the presence of Heavenly Father. When we earn our own money to buy something, we appreciate it so much more than if our parents casually bought it for us.

Remember who you are, and remember that God loves you so much that he sent his Son to suffer and die for you.

Links to my poems about eternal worth:

Princess in Disguise
Moses Told God: Man Is Nothing
A Dying Ember

April 21, 2014

Truth Is a Hard Taskmaster

"And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." John 8:32

We think of this phrase that the truth will set us free in a physical sense. But that scripture has so much more power. Jesus instructed us to follow eternal truths so we could be set free from the captivity of the devil.

Truth is a double-edged sword. If you abide by truth, you will be spiritually free. If you don't abide by truth, you will be spiritually captive.

Unfortunately, mortals treat the truth casually. We only wish to see the truth that will benefit us personally. We don't want to think of the truth that will damn us. Truth hurts.

If someone is brave enough to tell the truth, support that person. Don't let them stand alone.

In a court of law, truth does not always prevail because of human limitations and corruption. Sometimes, the innocent look like they are mentally unstable. The guilty get away because they lied, bribed, or wormed through a loophole (or because there wasn't enough evidence beyond reasonable doubt).

Random lines--

Truth is a hard taskmaster.
Truth demands justice.
Truth demands confession.
Truth demands growth.

Are we brave enough
To face the truth?
Are we brave enough
To tell the truth?

April 17, 2014

The Sanctity of Marriage and Family

The family is ordained of God and has been since Adam and Eve. Families are central to Heavenly Father's plan for us to return to heaven. This is why Satan seeks to destroy the family.

The purpose of the family is to create a unit of love and support for a husband, wife, and children. Children need both their mother and their father who love and forgive each other. The husband and wife relationship cements the family together. 

How does Satan seek to destroy families?

Others Butting In

Satan tries to divide husband and wife through outside influences. Sometimes, parents, friends, and other relatives put strain on the marital relationship. If we find ourselves interfering in someone else's marriage, we need to butt out. We can only offer helpful advice. A husband and wife can choose to follow that advice, but, ultimately, they need to work out their differences together in a civil manner.

Once children are adults, they create a new family unit. Adult children can seek help from their parents and other relatives, but they need to rely on their spouses.

Divorce and Single Parenthood

Satan makes divorce and single parenthood look fashionable. Hollywood glamorizes broken families. So many stars have broken marriages, so they want to justify their actions by portraying divorce and single parenthood as healthy. 

Being a single parent sucks. I know single mothers who are jealous of healthy marital relationships. They would love to find a supportive spouse. (Sometimes being a single parent is inevitable because of death, abuse, an unrepentant ex-spouse, etc.) Single parents have the opportunity to find someone else when they are ready.

Children as Pawns

Too often a mother or father will refuse visiting rights to the other parent. One parent will claim he or she has something else planned for the children. Or the parent won't contact the other parent. Or the parent will not show. Parents are the adults and should act like adults. Only selfish parents refuse to let their children see the other parent. (Exception: an abusive parent--not just one falsely accused of abuse.)

Visiting children should not be used for revenge on the other parent because of a grudge. Children need to see, hear, and physically feel that the other parent loves them. This includes video chats, calls, and physical visits. Email and letters do not cut it. The mother or father may not share emails and letters; the mother or father may even delete emails or destroy letters.

Sex Outside of Marriage

Cheating on a spouse or having sex before marriage destroys families. A spouse deserves a faithful companion in thought and action. Adultery often begins with being emotionally involved with someone else. 

Having sex outside of marriage shows disrespect to that partner and to any possible child. And, no, birth control is never one hundred percent effective; only abstinence in 100% effective. Abstinence is possible: it takes great self-control. When you practice abstinence, you gain self-confidence.

Living Together or Being Eternally Engaged

An unmarried couple living together often says they don't need a piece of paper to show commitment. Or else they say that being engaged is enough. There is nothing legally binding that couple together. God does not view living together as a proper marriage. Children don't benefit from this situation. It sets the example to children that their parents aren't committed to them as fully as they could be. 

Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Relationships

Same-sex attraction is difficult. God knows this and loves you. He gives everyone challenges of a different nature. There are many factors that cause these desires, but it is just like any other challenge that can be overcome. (I do not advocate dating or marrying the opposite gender as therapy. Until that person is ready, he or she cannot fully commit to a heterosexual relationship.)

Same-sex attracted individuals cannot physically bear biological children in a homosexual relationship. Adopted, foster, and surrogate-birthed children brought into homosexual and bisexual relationships do not learn how to treat the opposite gender. They are socially inhibited. (I believe same-sex attracted individuals can still be good parents. If a child is legally adopted by both parents, the law has to recognize visitation rights to both parents.)

Finally, same-sex marriages are not binding in heaven. No one can change the eternal law of marriage between a man and a woman. God does not change his mind. He will change policies, but never eternal laws.


We all need a cohesive family unit. We make the best of whatever family situation we are in. We have hope that any family can be mended. During the Millennium, any families that are broken will have the chance to come together again. God makes all things possible.

Here are links to pages of religions that support the sanctity of marriage and family:

Southern Baptist Convention (go to the bottom of the page)

April 16, 2014

Making a Simple and Secure Password

"Computer Keyboard" by Charles Rondeau
Some people and many IT departments think passwords have to be complicated with numbers, symbols, upper and lowercase letters to make it harder to hack. But the human brain usually can't handle remembering such complex sequences. A password should be easy to remember, but not easy for other people to guess or a robot to hack.

Complex Passwords Aren't as Secure as We Think

Some companies require employees to change their passwords weekly or monthly for an illusion of security. So what do employees do so their brains will remember complex passwords? They write down their passwords and put it in their desks, which defeats the entire purpose of a "secure" password. IT Departments need to consider the human brain when making password requirements instead of only the mathematics of hacking a password.

The Default Password

So often we follow a basic pattern for making a password when it has to be complicated. Most of us use a single word and add numbers before or after the word. These passwords are easy to hack. Many hackers and robots just use brute force by repeating the same word with different number combinations. It's way too obvious when you use the @ sign for an a, the 3 for an E5 for an S, or the number 1 for a lowercase l or an uppercase I. Never use the words passwordpassword1, password2.... Need I say more?

Blending Words or Phrases as Passwords

To accommodate the human brain and better security, IT departments need to think differently. A better approach is to combine two or more words that you can remember because there are infinite more combinations of words than there are of numbers, symbols, and letters. For example, take the words flimsy and icicle and combine them into flimcicle. (Obviously, this is not my password and neither should you use this password.) Passwords can be phrases which are harder to hack than two words.

Choose words or phrases that aren't too closely related to your favorite food, color, saying, or favorite anything else because the most successful hackers are relatives and friends. Stick with few passwords--or variations of them--so you aren't tempted to write them down.

Following the Extra Security Measures

Since many websites require a number, symbol, or upper or lowercase letters, create variations on your main password. Add a number or symbol somewhere within the password instead of at the beginning or end. You can create different levels of secure passwords. For non-financial and suspicious websites, use a less secure version of the password. Have a medium security password. Finally, for websites containing more sensitive information have a more secure variation of your password.

Now you can create a simple and secure password that you don't have to stress about remembering. Remember, if you have to write down the password, change it!

P.S. My husband is a software engineer, so I absorb a lot of technical information through him. I vicariously earned a Bachelor's in Computer Science.

Have you ever written your down your passwords because they were too complex?

Recommended Web Filter, Antivirus, and Anti-spyware Programs

"Global Business Background" by Dawn Hudson
My husband and I use different programs to protect our computer from computer viruses, spyware, and web filters. We've experimented with several programs and found these to be effective and free for home use.

Antivirus and Anti-spyware

We use Avast antivirus and SuperAntiSpyware on our computers. Most of us know that we need an antivirus program, but you also need an anti-spyware program to block malware and spyware. These programs also help keep your from being computer bogged down. Avast is more comprehensive and up-to-date than McAffee and Norton antivirus.

Web Filters

Adults and children both need web filters. Yes, even adults need web filters. We all have addictions that we are susceptible to--gambling, movies, online shopping, etc. It's best if the person with the least temptation (even if it's a teenager) has the password to web filters. It should be someone who will not let you give into temptation. Also, keep computers in public spaces.

Do not let children have a computer or mobile device in their own bedroom! This is a safety issue when it comes to online predators, cyber-bullying, and exposure to pornography. According to missingkids.com, 1 in 7 youth were exposed to unwanted sexual solicitations; 1 in 3 unwanted exposure to sexual material; and 1 in 11 exposed to direct harassment. Also teach children to keep personal information private.

Web Filter on Your Hardware

Layer web filters. You need a layer installed on your computer and then a layer for your router. K9 web protection is an internet filter that you install individually on each computer or each mobile device. Since it is installed on an individual computer instead of based over the internet or on a router, k9 still works when you plug into a land-line for internet. It cannot be removed except by the password holder. However, k9 does not have a program for Linux. For this reason, you may need to block Linux download sites.

There is a program called Virtual Box, which acts as a separate operating system on your computer. Whatever operating system is on Virtual Box should have k9 put on it too. You also have the option to block websites that offer downloads of Virtual Box.

Router Web Filter

For your router, use settings through openDNS to block categories and similar sites. Your individual router will also do this. This a good place to block sites for downloading Linux and Virtual Box.

Proxy sites are another issue. Basically, you ask another computer to access a website and then that computer gives you the website. Therefore, you have bypassed router blocks to access a website. Both k9 and openDNS block proxy sites, but they don't catch all of them. Proxy sites are constantly being set up and taken down. It just takes more time to find new proxy sites. That extra time allows you or someone else time to rethink the decision. (Proxy sites can be used in good ways in places where freedom of speech is limited.)

For Good or Bad

Overall, the internet is a neutral tool that can be used for good or bad. We can expand our minds, connect with others, telecommute with the internet. Or feed addictions, expose ourselves to criminals, and more. So protect yourself and others using these programs, so you can enjoy the good the internet has to offer.

What web filters, antivirus, and anti-spyware programs have worked for you?

April 13, 2014

Beware of Social Media and Use It Wisely

(Much of the information in this post comes from my computer savvy husband.)

So many of us have Facebook or Twitter accounts. We have LinkedIn profiles and so forth. We can use social media to our benefit or to our detriment. Many of us love to share our thoughts and pictures with others.

In general, consider what you post as available to the entire world. Avoid putting personal information such as birth dates, addresses, certain photos, and your daily habits. People can use this information to steal your identity, stalk you, or break into your home. Victims of abuse should use more caution since abusers can find them more easily through social media. You have to weigh your options.

Facebook has some advantages and disadvantages. You can adjust your privacy settings, but that isn't full-proof. You can block people from seeing your wall. Facebook does not respect your privacy when it comes to sharing information with government entities. Police have full access in the United States to your wall and any private messages you send. Most police and politicians are fine, but not all. Some police and politicians use this as a way to exact revenge and stalk others. Also, abusers who work for law enforcement have access to their victims' accounts.

I don't know as much about Twitter, but I do know more about their privacy record dealing with the government. Twitter will not reveal your messages to any government entity unless a court orders it. Even then, Twitter will fight for your privacy.

LinkedIn is unreliable. It does little to protect your information and password. So if you use LinkedIn, use a different password from all of your other accounts.

Recently, someone found a flaw in internet security where it's possible for hackers to easily get your password. This flaw has been fixed on many websites, but you should change all your passwords anyway. You can't be sure any hacker hasn't already stolen your password before the flaw was found.

April 12, 2014

Overcoming Fear and Anxiety

We all have fears and anxieties. Some are worse than others. Really it's how we deal with our fears and anxiety that defines us.

I had a fear of germs when I was ten. As a result, I washed my hands until they were raw. Lotion didn't help because I'd scrub it off my hands only a short time later. I realized I had to stop washing my hands so often. Over time, my hands healed. I couldn't let fear and anxiety rule my life and ruin my god-given hands. Germs wouldn't kill me. In fact, some "germs" or bacteria are healthy for our bodies. (I was so excited when I discovered hand sanitizer.)

Many of us also suffer from anxiety in the pursuit of perfection. Abraham Low says, "Perfection is a myth." We won't attain perfection in this life. We simply try to improve ourselves line upon line. In school, I had panic attacks on occasion because I didn't score as well as I wanted to. I eventually realized that grades do not define me. Now I stress to my oldest that he doesn't need to excel, but he still needs to work.

So how do we overcome fear and anxiety? (1) Express our fears and anxiety. (2) Determine if the fear is real. (3) Take active steps toward resolving that fear. (4) Seek peace from Heavenly Father.

Here's a link for spiritual help https://www.lds.org/ensign/1997/05/his-peace?lang=eng

April 11, 2014

"Excuse Rather than Accuse" -Abraham Low

We all find ourselves in positions where we need to forgive and be forgiven. We are on both sides of the coin. We forgive so that others and God will forgive us.

Often, we need help from Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ to forgive others. Concentration camp survivor Corrie ten Boom found she had to ask God to help her at one Sunday service. A former prison guard approached her and asked for her forgiveness. She didn't want to forgive him, but she prayed for help. She felt the feeling of forgiveness flow through her arm as she shook the man's hand. She no longer felt bitterness toward him. Similarly, we can pray to receive help to forgive others and ourselves.

Part of forgiving is having empathy for others. While reading the second book in the Ender's Game series, Speaker for the Dead, I realized more about empathy. Ender spoke the whole truth about the dead--the good and the bad. Most people are a mix of good and bad. This helps us realize that when we forgive, we look for the good in the other person.

We forgive in order to move forward. As Abraham Low says, we "excuse rather than accuse for our own mental health." Forgiving lets us redirect our former negative energy of holding a grudge into positive energy.

So often, spouses, family members and friends offend us, whether purposefully or accidentally.  We let bitterness build with every small offense since we live with these people every day. But we need to let go of the bitterness in order to love those who we really love the most.

Note: Forgiving others does not mean returning to a dangerous person or a dangerous situation.

Here's a great article on forgiveness https://www.lds.org/ensign/2014/01/choosing-to-forgive?lang=eng

April 05, 2014


Last October, my women's church group (Relief Society) held an activity about self-defense. I learned new ideas to defend myself and my family.

Prevention is your best self-defense. (1) Follow the Spirit. (2) Be with someone else, especially in the dark. Criminals don't like witnesses. (3) Avoid dangerous places, especially in the dark. (4) Lock your car or house. Always lock the deadbolt because a doorknob lock is very easy to break. Lock your windows too. Block pet entrances. (5) Have a loud dog--even if it's small. The dog will alert the neighbors there might be an intruder. (6) Get in good physical shape so you can hit, kick, block, bite and run. (7) Review an escape plan with your family. (8) Stay in well-lit areas. (9) Possibly carry a self-defense item. This is a personal choice. (10) Take some sort of self-defense course. (11) Teach your children to defend themselves.

If someone captures you, run! It doesn't matter if that person has a knife or a gun. You have a better chance at survival if you run. (Wear good running shoes.) Most knife wounds and gun wounds will not kill you. Besides, the abductor will most likely kill you after he or she beats you.

Scream. That draws attention to the criminal. He or she most likely doesn't want to be recognized or caught.

Fight dirty. Give the criminal bruises, bite marks, and wounds. Use whatever techniques you need to.

Scratch. Now you've got the criminal's DNA under your fingernails.

Take a good look at his or her face. That way you can describe his or her appearance to legal authorities and identify him or her later on.

Best rule of all, follow the Spirit. Heavenly Father wants you to stay safe.

Other resources: RAD, RAD kids

Courage to Speak Against Your Abuser

Abusers instill fear through physical and emotional threats. It's hard to testify against your abuser because of fear that is sometimes present from birth.

Fear can only be cast off with faith. You need faith in your own worth as a child of God. You are worth saving. Your abuser will continue to have a hold on you until you choose faith and courage over fear. Is it worth it to cower when you can save yourself, perhaps your children, and future victims?

You gain confidence when you withstand abuse. You gain confidence when you help yourself and others escape abuse. You gain confidence when you speak up for yourself.

Speaking up is the only way to prevent future abuse. When you speak up, other victims may speak up. Other victims may remember their abuse when their minds are ready to face the memory.

Let the Spirit guide you when, where, and to whom you tell.

Who needs to know who your abuser is? (1) Parents and children exposed to a child abuser need to know. This way parents can determine if their children were abused or prevent their children from being future victims. (2) Religious leaders need to know who the abuser is. These leaders have the responsibility to help victims, to call the abuser to repentance, and to keep the abuser away from situations with children at church. (3) Legal authorities often need to know who the abuser is. Legal authorities need to have as much evidence as they can to prosecute any abuser. Sometimes you may not have enough evidence to convict, but you are leaving a paper trail. That paper trail lends credibility to another victim's testimony. It may lead to a future conviction.

Victims who speak up hold their abusers accountable--on earth and in heaven. You serve as a witness to their sins. This is the only way for them to receive earthly justice. Also, abusers can use this opportunity to repent (not to be trusted again). Many won't, but they need that opportunity.

Some victims may want to exact revenge (self-defense is just fine). Vengeance is never satisfied. Only legal authorities and God should exact vengeance (see D&C 64). If you never forgive, you are holding onto a weight that is sapping your energy. You wield courage when you forgive and you gain confidence.

April 04, 2014

Rescue Me: Escaping Abuse

Biggest Loser contestant Tanya Winfield had wanted someone to save her as a child from her abusive mother. Over the course of her weight loss, she realized that she had to save herself. Escaping abuse begins with the victim.

Abusers don't let their victims go easily--mentally or physically. Abusers instill fear. As the victim, you need to conquer that fear with faith. You need courage to tell others, and to escape. Escaping takes planning, effort, timing and praying.

Your first ally is Heavenly Father. He knows what's going on. Pray to him to help you find an opportunity to leave an abusive situation. Heavenly Father will guide you to others that can help you. He will present opportunities at certain places and times.

If you are a parent or guardian, you have a responsibility toward your children to prevent child abuse. You may think that if only you or only one child is abused that your children have escaped the effects of abuse. That isn't true. (1) You cannot guarantee that the abuser won't change his or her target. (2) An abusive home breaks a person's spirit because the abuser instills fear. (3) The abuser's actions invite evil spirits. (4) Staying in an abusive situation teaches children that it's okay to hurt others emotionally, physically or sexually. A son or daughter learns it's acceptable to ridicule the opposite sex.

Others can help you escape. In some cases, it's best to plan a quiet escape. Other times, it isn't. You may need to fight or use a weapon to escape. This is in self defense. Even if your abuser has a weapon, you're more likely to live if you run away. Any consequent wound usually won't kill you.

If you are a child or teenager, tell a reliable adult, call 911, fight or use a weapon, whatever it takes to escape. It can be more difficult to escape since you have fewer legal rights, less strength, and often need to rely on adults. Sometimes, your escape may only be spiritual.

There will be negative and positive consequences to any escape. The abuser defames your character. He or she claims you have lied or you have lost your sanity. Friends and family may ignore you. The abuser may physically hurt you, stalk you, sue you, and so on.

The abuser fights any legal charges. Sometimes there isn't enough evidence to convict or the abuser's lawyer finds a loophole. Abusers threaten legal action for defamation of character. In the case of marriage, abusive spouses fight for custody of the children. Seek legal help. Truly, the law should be on your side, but that isn't always the case. The truth will set you free. However, sometimes the truth only sets you free spiritually, mentally and emotionally.

The positive aspect is that you will regain your confidence, freedom and life. The healing process begins.

The spiritual escape follows the physical escape. Your spirit needs healing. You need to root out the fear instilled in you. You need to go through the grieving process of losing your hope, confidence, and a relationship. Counselors, religious leaders, and friends can help you during your spiritual escape. However, Jesus Christ is the only one who can wholly heal you. He suffered the abuse you felt. He understands your pain better than anyone else.

See these websites for more practical information:
Women: www.womenslaw.org http://www.aish.com/ci/s/My_Escape_from_Child_Abuse.html
Men: www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic-violence-men-abused-by-women.htm
Child Abuse:

Using Mental Illness as an Excuse to Behave Inappropriately

Mental illness is a real physical, mental, and emotional ailment. Some symptoms of illness include inappropriate behavior.

Personally, I become annoyed more easily because of bipolar. My children sometimes whine or demand things, and my hairs rise on the back of my neck. Now I have a choice about what to do: act or react. I can choose to yell at them, ignore them, or prompt my children to ask nicely. The okay choice is to ignore it, but that won't help my children improve in the long run. The better choice is to address my children's misbehavior. Sometimes, it's best to walk away for a moment.

I sometimes use Recovery spots like "it's average" for children to misbehave, or to "excuse rather than accuse."

So often people will shop, use sex, use drugs, gamble, play video games, overeat, or watch TV to bury the problem. None of these actions truly help. And mental illness is not an excuse to fall into addictions.

Mental illness needs to be faced head on. Take care of your body; pray for help; talk to someone. There are many healthy coping techniques out there. Find what works for you.

April 03, 2014

Abusers Play the Victim

Abusers play the role of the victim. Many are victims of abuse, but that doesn't excuse their actions. They make the choice whether or not to continue the vicious cycle of abuse onto other generations. Abusers choose to hurt others and pass the blame to others. They aren't the victim any longer: they make the victim.

Abusers are depressed because they feel guilty about hurting others. However, they claim depression as an excuse for any number of bad behaviors.

"Don't make me angry!" abusers may threaten. No, they choose to be angry. After the fact, abusers may say, "You made me do it!" No, victims don't cause bruises or other effects. So often sexual assault victims receive the blame--"She's so beautiful," "She wore slutty clothes," "He liked it when I touched him," and so on. Abusers blame the real victims. Sometimes, other friends or family members blame the victims too.

Often, abusers claim they are victims of libel, assault, and harassment when victims or others reveal the truth. Abusers use the law for vengeance. A police woman monitors her husband's private messages on Facebook. (Facebook doesn't protect your privacy.) A victim reports abuse and the abuser claims libel. Victims, or a friends of victims, physically defend themselves, and they are charged with assault. Abusers file for protection orders. They claim others are the real abusers.

Be careful not to let abusers fool you into thinking they are the victim. Following the Spirit is the best way to discern other's motivations even if they appear friendly.