December 13, 2018

Applying for Grad School

I have wanted to apply to graduate school for the past five years, but it has been all about timing and money. It is still about timing and money. I am not sure we still have quote enough "money" because we need to get out of debt to expand our house. The timing with the age of our children still isn't ideal, but I started the process this year anyway.

This is a bit daunting for me because I have not had a college class for eleven years now. I feel old to be applying to graduate school, but I know there are many "older" students. I am only in my mid 30s. It's strange because I have been a homemaker for twelve years and only done a little freelance writing. Graduate school is a large step outside my comfort zone.

I really felt old studying for the GRE because I have not done geometry for 20 years. I fulfilled my college math credit with high school dual enrollment credit, so I have not had math since high school. I practiced my times tables and worked through questions on one and half books with my toddler's "help."

Last week I took the GRE. My brain almost exploded halfway through four and half hours of testing. To think that I paid $205 for this voluntary torture! It is a means to an end...

So I have debated what to apply for graduate school. I thought I may want to go to law school or get my master's in linguistics or creative writing. I realized that linguistics is the niche I want, but I am still a creative writer. I love to study language and to craft language into stories.

My biggest stumbling block in this process has been writing my statement of intent because I don't know what I want to focus on studying in linguistics. With bipolar, I want to study the next shiny object. I am writing this post to gather some of my thoughts.

I want a broad understanding of linguistics that I didn't quite get from my undergraduate degree. I have gaps in first and second language acquisition, historical linguistics, and comparative linguistics. I am interested in phonetics and word etymologies.

My career goal is to be able to teach writing, English linguistics, or general linguistics at a post-secondary institution. On the side, I plan to write my own poetry and novels.

I believe each word is poem. It's sound adds meaning. Its history adds weight. Its function in a sentence as a noun, verb, or as perhaps both.

And yet language is so imprecise that it cannot capture our thoughts adequately. It is merely a set of symbols.

Now I wax philosophical.

Good night.

August 30, 2018

Give Me Silence and a Nap

Via Public Domain Pictures
My husband's insurance has a health coach system. I have one coach emailing me about sleep. Right now I am just tired. The health coach keeps mentioning putting down electronics at night. How can I put children down at night?

I figured out that I like silence at night away from my husband and sons. That's why I stay up. I was the youngest child who was spoiled with silence when everyone moved out. I could escape to the empty rooms into silence. I lived in a rural town where I could wander out into silence in nature. Now I have four boys who are not silent.

My youngest has been crying a lot the last 18 hours, so I am a zombie. I haven't been able to relax last night or sleep in. I don't know when I am going to get a nap with doctor appointments and picking up kids and all the other hoopla today.

And that comes to my sleep hygiene. I probably need to avoid reading news or religious or political opinion close to bedtime. Stick to mindless games. I am still on my phone, but I know that it still relaxes me. I just need to relax my brain. I don't care what the health coach says about electronics.

I want sleep and silence!

September 08, 2017

The Elusive Night's Sleep

Via Public Domain Pictures

My baby was supposed to be sleeping through the night consistently now. No, he does not. He still wakes in the early morning several times a week.

I have retired before 10:30 almost every night for 3 weeks, and I am still tired.

Whatever. Who needs sleep anyway?

Unfortunately, my Fitbit tells me how little sleep I get. Oh, look, 6 hours of sleep 3 nights in a row. I may lay in bed for 9 hours, but I spend 2-3 hours up with my baby or toddler or whatever. Hunger wakes me at 4 am. This morning, I was able to fall back asleep without eating for the first time in several weeks. My husband takes turns too with the baby and toddler. We are just doomed.

I am switching my mood stabilizer to a different one that is an appetite suppressant too. I don't believe it has affected my sleep. (It's the 2 foot army crawler affecting my sleep.) The new mood stabilizer helps racing thoughts, which I still experience on my current mood stabilizer. I won't go off my current mood stabilizer until I tolerate a high enough dose on the new one.

I adjust my sleep medicine to how tired I am the night before. Last night I took a higher dose, so that is why I am probably still tired today, but I am trying to make up for several missed hours earlier this week.

Do naps help? They keep me sane for an hour or three.

My baby and toddler never nap together or long enough together for the past month. What happened! By the time I wind down, my baby usually wakes.

I love when my toddler climbs in his baby brother's crib and shakes him awake. Such brotherly love.

I look forward to this weekend because I can sleep in!!!!!

March 21, 2017

The Painful Quest for Truth

From the beginning of humankind, we have sought for the truth. We want to know the answers to those deep questions about life and search through science, religion, philosophy, and society. God wants us to ask the tough questions because it builds our faith. He will answer our questions...but in different times or ways then we expect.

Satan intervenes during our quest with half-truths, flattering words, distractions, and lies. He yearns to discourage us when we face troubling questions and moral dilemmas.

We then have a choice of where and how we search for the truth.
"The Serpent and Eve Banner" by Circe Denyer

The First Desire for Truth & Knowledge

In the Garden of Eden, God imparted eternal truth and knowledge to Adam and Eve. This included the plan to return to Heavenly Father and to be like Him. However, Adam and Eve's paradise--which literally means to form walls around--soon became a prison. Particularly, this commandment of warning and choice halted their progress:
Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat, But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it, nevertheless, thou mayest choose for thyself, for it is given unto thee; but, remember that I forbid it, for in the day thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die (emphasis added; Moses 3:16-17).

Eve desired more knowledge to be like God as he had taught her. And she desired to follow every commandment to multiply and replenish the earth. Thus, Eve recognized truth--but not the lie yet--in Satan's half-truth about the forbidden fruit:
"Ye shall surely not die: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as the gods, knowing good from evil" (emphasis added; Genesis 3:4-5).
Adam and Eve chose to not heed God's warning, but follow the other commandments. They fell on the double-edged sword of seeking knowledge, experiencing sorrow and joy. Their fall led to our existence (see 2 Ne. 2:25).

Paradoxically, God cast Adam and Eve out on their journey back to Him.

Historical Quests for Truth

Questioning aspects of religion has led to many breakthroughs throughout history. The Bible records many of the answers to spiritual questions from Adam to Paul.

According to LDS belief, Jesus Christ's entire church collapsed when His apostles died. Only records remained, but no Priesthood authority. A few hundred years later, Catholicism and Orthodoxy took shape with parts of the truth intact.

Many questioned the power and doctrine of Roman Catholicism (which led to eventual change in Catholicism).

Martin Luther questioned the doctrine of indulgences and his 99 points. The Baptists questioned how baptism should really take place. Anne Boleyn convinced Henry VIII to break from Catholicism, though he used it only for his selfish desires.

The Separatists, pilgrims, suffered because of their quest for knowledge outside of the Church of England. Eventually, these questions improved Catholicism itself. Many more questioned practices found in religion, and the contradictions in the Bible.

During the Second Awakening in America, a 14-year-old boy Joseph Smith was on a quest for spiritual knowledge. He received an answer that no church was true, which wasn't what he expected at all!

I believe Jesus Christ restored His Church through Joseph Smith. With each question Joseph Smith had, he received answers (whether he liked the outcome or not, such as plural marriage).

In my church, Joseph Smith's questions led to the restoration of the priesthood, temple ordinances, Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ. He and others made mistakes along the way because they had no predecessors to rely on.

Other prophets received revelation about other aspects. Of great concern was why the black men weren't allowed to have the Priesthood. Joseph Smith had ordained a few black men to the Priesthood, but the ordinations stopped after his martyrdom. After Brigham Young, subsequent prophets asked when the Priesthood would be available to all men, no matter their color. The answer came in 1978 to Spencer W. Kimball and the Apostles. This quest for truth lasted for over 100 years. For more information, read this article.

Satan Manipulates Our Desire for Truth

Satan manipulates our drive for knowledge with half-truths, philosophies of men, and knowledge for knowledge sake. He drives us into whatever wind of doctrine that distracts us from the whole truth of God. We get stuck on one passion and neglect the rest. He seeds doubt and casts out faith.

We sometimes search for truth from questionable sources. Instead of searching for answers from the source, we go to the opposition's camp. We can become swamped with so much useless knowledge, we never attain the highest truths of existence.

How do We Receive Answers?

First, we need to have faith to seek eternal truth. Without the foundation of faith, we are blown off course. We must hold on to what we know until we find the other answers we seek.

Jesus Christ told Oliver Cowdery during the restoration of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, "you must study it out in your mind" (D&C 9:8). The Lord wants us to use our brains and hearts to find answers. This inherently means to ask questions.

We prepare ourselves for an answer when we pray and clear our minds. Then we listen for answers. We allow the quiet to settle upon us.

How do we know if something is true? When the Holy Ghost speaks peace to our hearts and our minds (D&C 8:2).

The Answers that Never Come

I have had questions that sometimes I don't have a satisfactory answer to. I try to hold on to what I do know. Some answers remain for eternity.

I wonder why the women don't have the priesthood in the LDS faith. I have some answers, but mostly more questions. I read Sheri L. Dew's book Women and the Priesthood, which gave me some answers. When men would say that she didn't have the Priesthood in her home, Sheri Dew responded that she had access to the Priesthood in her home through her baptismal and temple covenants. 

I have access to the Priesthood authority of God when I keep my baptismal and temple covenants. I can't rely on my husband or any other Priesthood holder to be present all the time. On the other hand, a man alone cannot give himself a Priesthood blessing. Another Priesthood holder has to do it.

What do women have that correlates with the Priesthood? I've concluded that it is not motherhood, but service. We have an authority that is veiled from the world.

I wonder why some struggle with same-sex attraction and gender dysphoria. My thoughts are that it is an affliction similar to bipolar, but it does throw in a lot of kinks. The jury is still out.

Some answers will only come in the eternities. In the meantime, I hold on to what I know. Like science, spirituality is a lifetime exploration that adjusts to new discoveries.

I Compare Myself to "Normal"

Via Public Domain Photos
My husband said that I probably had more trouble with a situation over the last two weeks because of my bipolar. It exacerbates my emotions.

Yea, I didn't take that kindly. My thought was, "I'm a crazy witch/*itch."

I had a fit of inner temper and some outer temper at him. I cried.

I try to separate "normal" emotion from "bipolar" emotion all the time. I don't know which is which. So, I compare myself to "normal."

I asked my husband, "What is normal?"

He said that we consider "normal" as perfect so it is an unfair comparison. We compare ourselves to an impossible standard that doesn't exist.

However, I still wonder what my emotions would be like without bipolar.

I wrote this two weeks ago.

March 05, 2017

Managing Bipolar this Pregnancy

I wrote this after the Orlando shooting last June. I never posted this, I don't know why I didn't immediately. The next day, my peace waned.

At my first ultrasound, the maternal fetal medicine doctor said that pregnant women urinate or metabolize their medication faster during the third trimester of pregnancy. She suggested I visit my psychiatrist before 26 weeks.

My family practice doctor suggested I see the psychiatrist too. He said the pregnancy and medication guidelines have changed. There are no more pregnancy medication categories like X will kill the baby. Each medication has individual guidelines. Whatever medication keeps the mother stable and won't harm the baby. Some medicines just require extra folic acid to prevent cleft palate.

I set up the psychiatric appointment with the expectation that I would need more medication. I felt anxiety over national, local, and family events before going in.

I sought peace about these events. I reminded myself that I am not in control of the world. God is closer than we know. He is watching out for us. My mind grasped the principle of agency. God respects our agency to the point that he lets people do bad things...and good things. Good can only exist in opposition of bad.

So facing my stresses, I walked into my appointment. My psychiatrist surprised me when she said I seemed at peace and relaxed. That I was rolling with the punches...must be the third boy. She kept me on the same dosages. Really? I'm not worse. I'm even doing better?

Truthfully, I feel more at peace even though politics and other events concern me. But I can only do what I can do. I can only influence toward good. Opinions are just opinions. The serenity prayer put me at ease:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
I concentrate on the basics of my spiritual, mental, and physical health. Basically, I go to bed on time more often!

Two nights ago, I couldn't fall asleep and cried that morning. I'm done with being sweaty, uncomfortable, nauseous, and just plain pregnant. My head hurt with congestion and aches from a cold. I wanted my mom! I want the baby OUT.

My husband stayed home that day.

My home is more at peace since my husband feels more at peace too. He has sought for peace with his anxieties. He has made more progress over the past year. We just keep swimming.

I expect my boys to help out. They need to clean some before they can get on the computer. Luckily, two of them are old enough to do harder chores, carry laundry, and capture their toddler brother. Since I can't bend, they are my benders! Since I can't chase a toddler, they are my chasers!

I "called in the cavalry" for my oldest to capture his brother, and now he gladly says he will "call in the cavalry."

My boys complain some, don't always do what I ask, and other times jump at the chance to help. They choose what to do, and luckily, they usually they help out. I hope it's because of the greater peace we strive for in our home.

I go to counseling every 5-8 weeks. My insurance changed, so now I'm in the process of finding a new counselor. I like my previous counselor. I thought of paying the full price for each session, which I did for three months, but I couldn't keep up with that. It has taken me four months to finally call a new counselor.

January 31, 2017

Bored But Busy While Feeding

"Sheep Feeding Lambs" by Vera Kratochvil
With an infant, I get bored while bottle-feeding him for 2-3 hours a day. However, I am stuck in one position. My brain roams around in circles while one hand holds a bottle and the other holds a book or my phone. There's only so much smiling at my kid I can do.

The fourth boy is the slowest eater of all my boys.

I have found a few things I can do while bottle-feeding: anything my smart phone can do, reading, watching TV, talking, ineffectively commanding my troop of boys, and eating.

On my smart phone, I check email, text, thumb through Facebook and Twitter, read online articles, and play games. But I can't type long comments or blog posts or create memes easily on my phone. I am so limited!

I can't stop my toddler from pouring/spilling milk or tossing everything off tall furniture. It is playtime for the third when I feed the fourth. When I am free, I am not free. I chase the other three and do chores.

I really fall into trouble thumbing through Facebook and Twitter. My brain explodes with the cultural and political events of the day. Do I read that article? Do I respond to that person's comment?

Oh, the trouble I could stir!

I don't like offending others, and I don't like always agreeing either. I have friends and family who are polar opposites on the political spectrum. Besides, I don't want to look stupid. Quite the paradox.

My former counselor wondered at how many politically-minded Facebook friends and family I have. Yes, you all are! And then you have to take a Facebook/Twitter break too like me.

Thus, I may start an alternative facts Twitter or Facebook account where I only deal in politics and current events. Have a separate space for the controversial.

Then I think of the businesses or jobs I could start: a used clothing store, writing, teaching English online at ridiculously early hours, a kids' language exchange program, a homeless shelter, earn my Master's degree, ad infinitum.

I look forward to when my infant can feed himself. Then I will have my hands free--to catch the fourth as he crawls away.