Nocturnal Geometry

Photo by Eileen Davis

Inverted bowl of blackish blue 

Over rural acute-angled roofs, 

Girls giggle, bouncing on canvas circle. 

Then circumference springs support reclined friends 

Musing of sacred mysteries. 

Soon we slumber under Perseus’s protection.

- ---

Under beams of immortal moon, 

Westward of any plotted town, 

Youth leaders guide my eyes 

Through magnified lenses 

Upon reflective rocks, 

Cratered orbs, clouded globes, 

Dusted iced rock ovals-- 

Mere mirrors of superior suns. 

----

Under shroud of bluish black

Adjacent steepled spaces,

Sacred silence encompasses.

My gaze reaches Orion’s belt.

Unlike Orion who hunted beasts,

We’d hunted, nay gathered, ancestors home,

Mortals to achieve immortal mansions.

----

Like spilled milk across dark granite top, 

Within wire perimeters,

Feet sink in the grass,

My finger aims to Polaris

Guiding my son's eyes above.

Two dippers stream celestial serene, 

Intersect upon our axis.

----

Beneath sky's stalactites

Over suburban pentagonal homes 

Lighted linear paths, darkened rectangle yards 

My house obscured; no lights left on. 

Two perched on back porch steps. 

Warm wind brushes over our squared legs; 

Two entwined hands triangulate. 

As one outstretched grasp, 

our corporeal compass circumscribes 

Charted pinpoints, like glimmering glass fragments, 

Pressed upon a mosaic map. 

I capture the moments throughout my life where I have gazed at the stars and been infused with God's love. I refer to a sleepover, stargazing at a Young Women's activity, looking at Orion's belt after doing baptisms for the dead in the Monticello Latter-day Saint temple, and stargazing with my sons and my husband.

Why I Quit My Second Job

Secret Garden at Thanksgiving Point (photo by Author)

Many of us operate on the cordiality principle where we want to please others around us. This desire helps bind us as a community, but can also backfire. We can overcommit ourselves when we won't say no to another person. I fell into this trap this spring (as I have many springs when my energy returns).

A Second Job

Feeling extra pressure from rising inflation, I applied for a second job at a grocery store. The "Now Hiring" sign advertised up to $15 an hour and a $500 bonus. When I didn't hear from the store for a week, I increased my hours as a tutor. Weeks later, the store hired me during the interview at $12 an hour and a six-month bonus. I started two weeks later on a Tuesday night. Because I had written my availability before increasing my hours at my tutoring job, they scheduled me for too many hours and at inconvenient times.

I enjoyed working at the grocery store because I socialized with many acquaintances I rarely see, but I missed seeing my children for two days in a row. So I reduced my hours at both my jobs to reduce stress and increase family time. Yet I wouldn't say no as many people-pleasers do. I wanted to please my coworkers at both jobs to the detriment of my mental health.

Before a Saturday evening shift, my husband and I talked about the impact of working too much when I felt an oncoming panic attack and suicidality. I debated working more, but I had to disappoint others to maintain my mental health. Otherwise, I have no strength to help anyone. Finally, I felt the peace I had prayed for when I made the decision to quit. About an hour before my shift, I handed in my uniform and said I needed to quit for my mental health. The supervisor said, "Okay."

I still hated to disappoint him.

Do you feel conflicted when you say no, even when it is for your health? Are you overworking yourself to relieve financial stress?

Effects of Stress

I am told to play mother,

Scholar, wife, CEO, or another.

I can’t fulfill all these roles

Without access to all controls.

I cannot rule a boss or a man;

I can only do what I can.

--"As a Woman" by Eileen Davis

In my health coach's group, we often discuss saying "no" to protect our health. My coach sees too many women gain weight because they stretch themselves too thin. As a result of too much stress, I know women who lose weight too. We learn overcommitting ourselves affects our physical and mental health because of negative stress. The constant state of stress and overproduction of cortisol increases our hunger, headaches, muscle tension, and more. Thus, our bodies and minds need short and long periods of recovery.

And yes, we need to unwind away from electronic devices, which actually stimulate the brain. I have a hard time with this because I still play puzzle games on my phone (but I listen to calming music!). Instead, I need to increase my recovery time. I've listed that drawing, stretching, deep breaths, calm music, swinging, and looking at the stars help me destress. I am working on these techniques, an ongoing process.

How has stress affected you? What activities calm you?

A Time and a Season

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven...a time to break down, and a time to build up... A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away...a time to keep silence, and a time to speak.

Ecclesiastes 3:1, 3, 6, 7

The ancients knew that there is a time and season for activity and rest--that we need moderation in all things. This is difficult in our present emphasis on productivity. But as the seasons change, we need seasons of rest and recovery too.

Particularly, there are times "to speak" no and times to "keep silence" to indicate a no. "No" can be powerful to restore balance in our lives, so we can say "yes" to more important matters. Thus, we will be more present and productive during the important activities.

How do you think setting boundaries by saying "no" will help you?

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Coming to Terms with My Bisexuality Within a My Moral Framework

selfie

I didn't "come out" as bisexual until Summer 2021 partially because I didn't have a term for my sexuality until a few years ago. Even when I did mention my sexual orientation almost two years ago, I only mentioned it briefly in a blog post. Later, I mentioned it in the context of tribalism on my personal Facebook page. No one said anything about my subtle "coming out". In a way, this comforted me because my friends and family viewed me as the same person.

When I Knew

In January 2000, I first felt same-sex attraction at sixteen years old during a school practice. This shocked me because I had an almost constant attraction to males, so it just didn't make sense. I knew Ellen Degeneres was a lesbian. My distant relative was gay. And Leonardo DiCaprio was bisexual--whatever that was. Despite DiCaprio, 90s media mainly portrayed the binary of straight or gay/lesbian, so I didn't understand where I "fit" in. I feared I might be a lesbian, but that didn't fit my experience of only fleeting attraction to females.

After this, I trusted my body's signals less. My libido already exceeded the normal level of my peers due to bipolar 2 symptoms (still undiagnosed). And already dealing with the shame associated with preteen compulsive self-stimulation, I only felt more shame and confusion. Generally, I feared my own sexuality. I only dared to share about self-stimulation--and not same-sex attraction.

Trusted adults reassured me self-stimulation was a natural inclination, and they encouraged me to forgive myself. Instead, I absorbed the shame my peers communicated subconsciously. So this definitely meant not admitting to same-sex attraction to anyone, especially in light of a few peers' degrading remarks on homosexuality.

College

While at college, I had a resurgence of same-sex attraction when I felt depressed during my second semester at BYU. Ironically, my attraction to males decreased significantly. I didn't share my feelings with anyone, but I think some people may have understood. For example, my sister had the impression that one of my struggles was same-sex attraction. She shared her impression later on and I confirmed it.

One college friend expressed that women can feel attracted to each other because they share their feelings openly. And she expressed that some teenagers die by suicide because they freak out when they feel same-sex attraction. Her words helped me cope with my own feelings, whether she knew it or not. Then I understood that it's okay to feel same-sex attraction and it isn't worth ending a life over it.

Also, a counselor at BYU talked about thoughts being like leaves in the wind. This simile aided my understanding that my thoughts of self-stimulation and same-sex attraction were fleeting ideas. They would disappear. This helped me cope with my feelings within my moral framework. (I know others have different experiences where same-sex attraction remains a constant.)

Before my proselyting mission, I wrote an essay entitled "The Genetics of Homosexuality." I tried to understand why some feel same-sex attraction. Subconsciously, I was trying to understand myself.

Why I Waited to "Come Out" in My 30s

In 2020, I started a post that I never published. I wrote:

"I don't want to be called brave, gross, or sinful for sharing. ... I don't want my story as part of an agenda. I don't want to be the bisexual woman who followed the commandments, so why can't you? I don't want to be the bisexual woman who is told to ignore my [beliefs] because others perceive it as anti-gay. I don't want straight women to feel uncomfortable around me.

I want to be me."

On Twitter, I follow or check out others' tweets about religious LGB individuals. There I see some on both sides mock, besmirch, cancel, and dox each other. I wonder at such hate and pettiness. And this is partly why I hesitated to share my experience beyond family and close friends. But I decided that my perspective and experience add to the variety of LGB experiences. My perspective may help other LGB individuals understand themselves.

My Marriage

I shared my same-sex attraction with my husband a few years ago. (I didn't understand myself well enough to tell him before then.) He accepted it as a part of my sexuality. We had already discussed that though we are married, we still feel attracted to other people. I am just attracted to a wider variety of people than my husband. We have worked for years to foster honesty and trust with each other about various sexual feelings. It hasn't been easy, but we know we want to be together.

Being married, I recognized that part of me is a sexual being. Sexual feelings are healthy when channeled in a positive direction. Thus, I learned my libido helps me express affection to my husband. And it helps propagate the species in families. When I feel same-sex attraction, I believe that sexual desire stems from a desire for a deeper connection. I first made this connection when pondering Jillian Michaels' first marriage with Heidi Rhoades.

My understanding that my sexual orientation didn't define me deepened over the years. My true identity is that I am human and a child of God. My sexual orientation is a secondary characteristic, along with others like my creativity. I have intrinsic worth for being alive. And so too does every person with same-sex, opposite-sex, or asexual orientations.

I learned self-acceptance largely through the example of a friend who I met through volunteer English teaching 18 years ago. While reading his blog and essays over the years, his words helped me put my bisexual feelings into perspective along with my spiritual beliefs. Soon I shaped new beliefs.

Talking with My Son

When I was 15, I overheard my mom talking with a relative and mentioning a sexual term. I felt very uncomfortable asking my parents or others about this, though my mom would have answered my question. Instead, I turned to the dictionary (the internet was still new). Still, I had only a vague idea of what the term meant. Though I am glad I sought a factually accurate source. Because of my reticence as a teenager, I hoped to develop that trust with my son so he will come to my husband or me first.

My husband and I have tried to help my oldest son feel comfortable talking to us about sexuality. One time he ran to his room so that one attempt didn't work well. I'm learning that it needs to come up naturally in conversation. While driving him home from school, I casually mentioned that maybe boys may date boys. He seemed to think I was a chill mom for that comment. Mostly, I want him to feel comfortable sharing his orientation with my husband and me. In another conversation with my son, my husband, and me, we discussed different orientations. We had a fruitful discussion where my husband and I reiterated: "Please come to us for your questions first". We hope to provide accurate information without him sorting through explicit or inaccurate internet sources.

My Political Take

Over my lifetime, the acceptance of the LGB community has increased, and they feel safer opening up about their experiences. Conversion therapy techniques once caused more harm than good. However, the pendulum has swung too far so that schools refuse to tell parents about a child's orientation. Many religions have softened their stance toward LGB individuals.

After Obergefell v. Hodges, same-sex marriage became legal in the US. Some accepted this as the new law of the land, while others still balked at it. Personally, same-sex marriage seemed an inevitable outcome, even if I questioned its morality. Instead, my husband and I discussed that marriage should be a religious ceremony and no longer the government's role. Before legalization, many insurance companies wouldn't include a same-sex partner on the other partner's plan. This type of situation definitely needed nondiscrimination legislation in the US before legalization.

Sadly, for many years (and still today) religious people, traditional marriage allies, LGB allies, and the LGB community fought instead of seeking compromises and peaceful resolutions. Both sides sometimes show signs of intolerance, being easily offended, and bigotry. We can love each other, seek understanding, hold boundaries, and agreeably disagree. This takes practicing humility on an individual level. Recognize you can only choose how you act and react.

If you want more of my take on LGB issues, consider tipping, subscribing, pledging, or following me on Facebook or Twitter @oeileend_oed.

New Mattress, New Job, New Year to Better Sleep

Photo by Author

 

Since my husband started working from home because of the pandemic, I have subconsciously taken advantage of that fact. I know he can tackle the morning routine without me, even if it's half-shod. Midnight used to be staying up late for me on weekdays, but it became 1 am or 2 am during the pandemic. I felt so stressed and wanted downtime--"me" time. Some nights I waited until 3 or 4 am.

I know lots of other parents stay up later for "me" time too. I totally get it. It feels so blissful to do housework, homework, or hobbies during this time with no interruptions. Maybe other parents fall into a pattern of procrastinating at bedtime because you don't want to face another difficult day too. Just one more hour of silence, please.

Revenge Procrastination

“Revenge bedtime procrastination” describes the decision to sacrifice sleep for leisure time that is driven by a daily schedule lacking in free time.

-Eric Suni on Sleep Foundation website

So I have been working on sleep hygiene for years, but it hasn't been as critical before having kids (BTW, bipolar and PTSD affect my sleep too). I could make my own work or school schedule when single. My revenge procrastination has also contributed to considerable weight gain. Last September I finally contacted a health trainer who is now specializing in helping moms. We've set small goals that I can be successful at. It helps on and off, but I am making some progress.

I had also been discussing a part-time job with my previous counselor. She thought it would help me revamp my bedtime. After all, we've been working on my sleep hygiene for five years. I started applying for jobs three months ago.

A Small Responsibility: a New Job

This has been a catch-22 for me if I have a responsibility in the morning. When I have multiple appointments, I can stress for several hours at night. I try to keep the stress at bay by "relaxing" more. This is the ultimate procrastination revenge.

But some small responsibilities have encouraged me to seek rest at an earlier time. Before the pandemic, I had to get my son on the bus in the morning. I still skirted the edge of a good bedtime--7-8 hours before I have to wake last minute--but I did it. When my husband switched to remote work, I knew I didn't have to take children to the bus or to school. Thus, my sleep habits worsened.

As hinted above, I started a new job outside my home beginning of this year. Now I am retiring two to three hours earlier because I am accountable to someone else. I know I need to function to perform my work duties. And I am "rewarded" with a paycheck. Perhaps, a reward may motivate you too.

Having a job may not work for some parents. It depends on the work hours and the work atmosphere. I looked for a part-time job so I still had downtime for other parts of the day. I still have time for my kids too. Personally, a full-time job would increase my anxiety since I would be away from my family longer.

Now my husband reports he has seen me more since I began working part-time. I wake in the morning and help with preparing our sons for school. I am also awake in the evenings.

I also found I retire earlier when I have an activity to look forward to. For example, when I scheduled my physical therapy appointments in the morning, I retired slightly earlier. I know I have pain relief coming. Additionally, I look forward to socializing with others at work and having tasks that end, unlike housework.

A New Bed

"By the end there, I was barely hanging on."

-My husband's description of dozing with me on a queen bed

Last year my lower back hurt so much I couldn't sleep at night. This created a cycle of pain preventing sleep and sleep deprivation increasing sensitivity to pain. So I looked for some solutions to sleep. My brother suggested a two-sided body pillow for side sleepers. I ordered one and it helped relieve some pain.

Additionally, my husband and I needed a new bed after tossing and turning on our queen bed for several years. I sprawled across most of the bed and hogged the covers, so my husband felt colder and scrunched on 1/3 of the bed. (My husband corrected me when he read this section: he had "1/5 of the bed".)

We settled on a king-size Serta memory foam mattress with cooling "technology". Now both my husband and I sink into the memory foam with room to spare. The memory foam (plus physical therapy and stretching) has almost erased my lower back pain. Now I rarely need the body pillow and I can stand for more than an hour. I also look forward to my mattress keeping me cool during the summer months.

So what is useful to look for in a mattress to improve your sleep? For me, it came down to size, firmness, pain relief, and my sleeping position. Other factors may include allergy prevention or a partner's different needs. For example, one couple I know have different sleeping preferences, so they chose a sleep number bed.

For a guide to buying a mattress, check out this article by Good Housekeeping.

I Never Regret Retiring Early

Children may complain about an early bedtime, but I've rarely heard any adult regretting going to bed early. Have you? Last Fall, I had the realization that I have never regretted going to bed early. The moment I hit the pillow, I only regret staying up later and wonder why I avoided my soft bed and firm pillow so long.

After writing about sleep, now I want to fall asleep. Are you ready for a good night's rest too?

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