October 20, 2020

Struggling to Write

 My brain is either too tired or too wired to write

Since I was ten years old, I have been writing stories and dreamed of being published. Many novelists have the same dream from a young age, so I am one of many. It is about finishing a work, yet I struggle to finish.

Today I am tired after substituting a kindergarten class, taking my son to the clinic, and making dinner. I want to write fiction, but that doesn’t come as easily to me. I have trained myself to write a blog post over the last six years. It is harder to get back into writing fiction seriously.

have been too tired for sixteen years since leaving on my Latter-day Saint mission. During the mission, I only wrote letters. After I came home early, I reordered my life to cope with my new diagnosis of bipolar 2. I worked two jobs until marriage. Then I worked more, attended college, fell asleep after work, and had children. I felt tired for 9 years. After my third son, I managed to have some energy to blog and ghostwrite two novellas. Then I felt too tired during my fourth pregnancy. About two years later, I felt I could blog again. In the meantime, I wrote several chapters in several books. I made minute progress and then I lost interest.

Having bipolar 2, my brain is also wired at times. I have many shiny new ideas for novels (and blog posts) that I never finish. I start some novels but struggle to go beyond a week or month. I become bored with the project. In high school and college, I managed to write “novels” of 20,000 words. They were rough drafts that became second drafts. I sent these to publishers with no bites. I understand why I had no bites now. They were not detailed enough. As my creative writing teacher at BYU stated, the novels lacked immediacy. I had mostly dialogue, but no details to ground the reader in the setting or action.

The novels I wrote needed reworking and the plots have changed over time. I have my list of plot ideas for the novellas I wrote in high school and college. Many ideas will fall by the wayside. That’s the nature of the beast.

Currently, I have ideas for a humanoid species who have different powers, such as mind-reading, object-reading, lip-reading, mind control, and empath powers. They are in a hierarchy of who rules over another species. This idea came from the BLM riots. History could be rewritten according to the prejudices and enslaving different “readers.” So far, I have written the creation stories of the mind-readers and lip-readers.

In order to finish many of my partial drafts, I need to reacquaint myself with the characters, settings, and plots. That can take several days or weeks that I just don’t want to “waste” during the hour or so I have time each day. I also find that I want to write about issues currently troubling me. I need to itch that scratch, per se.

What I can finish easily are poems. When my mind catches onto an idea, I can usually write a poem within days. Albeit, they may be excellent poems or mediocre poems. I may rework them later. I know others who struggle writing poetry yet can write fiction quickly. I have that momentary excitement and hyperfocus that can channel writing poetry. Not so much with novels.

Editing is another aspect of my writing. I can catch some errors quickly, while others are not so obvious. Some words I misspell almost every time: piece, niece, opportunity, and so on. Yet I can spell most words with great ease. Grammarly has been very helpful with the self-editing process.

I wondered if I still had my editing prowess since I haven’t been a tutor for 17 years. Recently, a relative and friend asked me to proofread their writing. My skills came back. I recognized error patterns that I could point out and revising for a specific audience. My friend said I retained her writing style, which makes me very pleased. That is the goal of editing: to retain the writer’s style through editorial changes.

Now here I am writing another blog post about writing instead of writing fiction. I can manage some blog posts within 2–4 hours, which is why I usually devote my time to blog posts.

One day I will write fiction with ease again. When my children are older. When my youngest leaves the house. When I finish vacationing during retirement. Okay, maybe that time will never come unless I change my habits.

C’est la vie.

October 04, 2020

My Thoughts on 2020 Latter-day Saint General Conference

I crocheted part of this during April Conference


For the last two days, I have watched around eight hours of my religion’s semiannual broadcast of church leaders. Being a lifelong member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have listened to hundreds of hours of religious talks. At age ten, I started crocheting during conferences on the first weekends of April and October. I still crochet to keep my hands busy. I occasionally write notes.

Weekly church meetings changed in mid-March to home worship. In June, our congregation met in small groups every third Sunday. I had been wearing street clothes for home worship for so long, I hesitated to wear a dress. I used to love wearing dresses, but I dislike them now chasing after children. So, the first Sunday back at regular church, I wore a nice shirt and pants. The next time we met, I reluctantly wore a dress.

This weekend I wore pajamas and street clothes watching General Conference, but it still tested my resolve because my typical home worship only lasts 15–30 minutes on Sundays.

While watching, I noted how many of the apostles have aged. Apostle David A. Bednar had brown hair when he became an apostle sixteen years ago (right before my mission). Now he has gray hair. Several of the apostles from my youth look very different today. For example, Matthew Holland, son of Apostle Jeffrey R. Holland, appeared much like the younger version of his father from the 90s. Wow! I am old and they are old too. Mostly, wiser.

Saturday Morning Session

President Russell M. Nelson opened General Conference sharing what blessings we have had through the pandemic despite the challenges. Families feel closer as they worship together. Missionaries are teaching more lessons, many online. Latter-day Saints have participated in many pandemic-related service projects, such as making masks. President Nelson stated that Heavenly Father is aware of us during this time. Many of my Priesthood blessings of late have that same phrase in them.

Elder David A. Bednar related his scripture study of the idea of tests. The word test is nowhere in the Bible, Book of Mormon, or Doctrine and Covenants (LDS scripture), but the words provetry, and examine dot the pages. This life is our test to prove ourselves. Jesus grew incrementally in wisdom and spirituality. We can take his example of growing line upon line and grace to grace.

This talk reminds me of my college assignment to study Doctrine and Covenants 121:7 where Joseph Smith cries to God to release him from Liberty Jail. It states:

“… if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.”

I researched the etymology of experience and good for my assignment. . Thus when we are tried, we gain experience. . So, when we are tried do we seize the good?

Young Women First Counselor Michelle D. Craig discussed how we desire to be seen deeply. Vice versa, we need to see others deeply. Sister Craig shared dhow she felt prompted to stop looking at her phone when she stood in lines. While in one line, she asked an older man about his cat because he had cat food in his cart. The man shared that it was his birthday. Sister Craig wished him a happy birthday. She likened this situation to the Good Samaritan parable. Being on a phone in line is similar to the priest and others passing the injured man.

Apostle Quentin L. Cook noted how the Church is around the 200-year mark, similar to when the Nephites and Lamanites in the Book of Mormon began dividing themselves about 200 years after Jesus visited them in the Americas. We are at a pivotal moment today to stay unified in purpose. Diversity strengthens our unity. Our different cultures, races, ethnicities, etc. contribute to each other’s knowledge. He noted some of the poor past actions within the Church toward Blacks and other minorities.

October 01, 2020

Manic Monday Musings

by Author's husband


Sunday nights and Mondays are just rough times. I used to have sleepless Sunday nights from my preteens to early twenties. Sunday nights are better now that I am not in school fulltime. I also take a sleeping pill. That probably makes a difference.

Homework Woes

Hanging Curtains

Counseling Appointment

End of the Day

September 22, 2020

My Gratitude and Ingratitude for COVID-19

Among Latter-day Saints, some share this idea that trials are a blessing. A group of women I associate with repurposed this idea: the growth from trials is a blessing. In this paradigm, I share what positives I see with our growth during the worldwide trial.

  1. We realize how meaningful physical affection and gathering together is. Thus, we look forward to when we have greater opportunities to gather.
  2. We appreciate technology more. Technology has kept many working, connected, and learning.
  3. Businesses and organizations recognize that more jobs can be done from home. Work from home options create greater flexibility for childcare and home locations. We have less pollution thanks to working from home.
  4. We appreciate the efficiency of gathering at the workplace.
  5. Many united in a worldwide fast to alleviate the effects of COVID-19.
  6. We connect virtually more with those who live far away. For example, my siblings, parents, and I have weekly Zoom gatherings. My husband’s family does too.
  7. We have serious discussions about the meaning of liberty.
  8. We appreciate simplicity more.
  9. Schooling has become more flexible with online options.
  10. We recognize the need to be healthy.
  11. We now express our creativity with masks.

Naturally, there have been negatives with COVID-19. Here are some negatives I have observed:

  1. Bats. I hate bats who spread their cold to humans. Bats need to practice social distancing and wear masks.
  2. Sadly, many have suffered ill effects or death because of this disease.
  3. Many have succumbed to fear during this time. Some have forgotten to hope.
  4. Domestic violence has increased.
  5. Murders have increased.
  6. Anxiety and depression have increased. This has led to an increase in suicides and suicidality.
  7. Many lost their jobs during extended quarantines or lockdowns.
  8. Some politicians have leveraged the situation to infringe on their citizens’ rights beyond temporary emergency powers. Also, some preventive measures have been unequally applied.
  9. Some have engaged in blaming, shaming, namecalling, and passive-aggression. We can discuss without ad hominem attacks.
  10. Where incivility in our arguments occurs, enmity sometimes festers.

Instead of letting these negatives bring us down, we can seek growth from them. First, we can recognize the values of physical life and quality of life. Second, we can learn to be kinder and more patient during disagreements. And finally, we can address joblessness and mental health challenges. Overall, we can increase our resilience during this worldwide pandemic.

How has the worldwide pandemic helped you grow? What negatives do you see that we can overcome?

September 09, 2020

My Mourning Prayer on 9/11

9/11 memorial
Via Public Domain Photos
I remember my paternal grandmother on her birthday, 9/11, each year. She died six years before the 9/11 terrorist attack. My father thinks she would have been very upset knowing her birthday was on such a sad day. This year she would have turned 115. My maternal grandmother passed away last week at 90 years old. She witnessed almost a century of history — 89 elevenths of September. I remember 19 elevenths of September since 2001.

September 03, 2020

My Moonbeam Spills on Your Face

As a teenager, I often gazed at the moon and stars through my bedroom window. God’s creations bore witness of his love for me. I contemplated how I could personify this message in poetry.

Screenshot of comments
Screenshot by Author
Second poem with suggested edits screenshot
Screenshot by Author
Third revision
Photo by Author
Final revision
Photo by Author

August 20, 2020

My Son's Speech Therapy and School Mask Mandate Conundrum

As an infant and toddler, my youngest son had frequent ear infections. The infections were indicative of fluid retention in his middle ear. The fluid prevented his eardrums from vibrating properly, thus causing conductive hearing loss. The doctor placed ear tubes in his ears two years ago so his middle ear can drain since his Eustachian tubes weren’t draining properly.

My son’s expressive language is stuck in the babbling and one-word stage, which is the spoken language level of a one-year-old. He says a few words like tickle, no, ma, and da. Mostly, he babbles. Occasionally, his intonation sounds like a word or phrase. Overall, we have to repeat sounds many times before he imitates them. He responds better when he imitates his brothers or the sound is linked with an action.

His receptive language is much higher. He can point to objects or follow one-step commands. For example, when I say “Where’s the ball?” with a book, he will point to it. And he will throw trash away if I ask him to as a one-step command.

Because my son is stuck in the one-word/babbling stage, seeing is important to his language development.

What role does sight play in learning language?

From the moment children are born, they are imitating our facial expressions. Psychologists believe this imitation derives from our “mirror neurons.” One such imitation and expression is when an infant smiles around eight weeks old. They also imitate the manner of articulation from what they see and hear their parents say. The imitations carry through an infant’s cooing and babbling stages. Babies will take conversational turns of smiles, coos, gestures, babbling, and other actions. For example, if you stick your tongue out, a baby will copy that, but usually at a slower pace.

The School Mask Mandate

Ever since Utah Governor Gary Herbert ordered that all students should wear masks (or face shields), I have wondered how this would affect my toddler in special ed preschool and speech therapy. He would probably be covered under the disability category, but I didn’t know. I figured I could do a face shield for my son and the teacher would be wearing only a face shield. I discussed this with the preschool speech therapist when she visited for extended school year visits. She hoped that it would only be face shields.

On August 14, Gov. Herbert ordered that teachers must wear a mask with the face shield. All students must wear a mask unless they have a doctor sign a medical exemption form. Section (3)(e) of the mandate states a communication exemption:

an individual engaged in an activity where the ability to see the mouth is
essential for communication, including an individual who is deaf or hard of
hearing while communicating with others, an individual who is
communicating with an individual who is deaf or hard of hearing, or a
teachers-student dyad participating in speech therapy, in which case the
individual shall wear a face shield without a mask or use alternative
protection, including a plexiglass or similar barrier;

I tried to get some clarification from my son’s previous preschool teacher during our extended school year conversations about this. She stated students and teachers must wear masks from the last update. She didn’t seem to know anything about the exceptions for speech therapy. It seems there is a lack of communication about the exceptions.

Overall, I am very confused; some teachers are confused too. Because the rules change frequently, parents and teachers are both scrambling to figure this out. Preschool starts next week, so the kinks are yet to be determined.

Last week, I made five masks for each of my four sons to last a school week. I included my toddler because I don’t know exactly what is going on. Amid the confusion, my older children have adjusted to school with masks. Maybe my youngest will adjust well too.

On Monday, I read that deaf BYU students were considering clear face masks for themselves and their interpreters. Some read lips and also want to see the facial cues in ASL. I had an epiphany that they would work well for my son and his teacher.

I asked my son’s new preschool teacher if she would wear a clear mask. She said she’d try it out. I will be purchasing one for her most likely. This will all cost more money, but I don’t know what to do. My son needs to see the teacher’s mouth in order to imitate speech sounds better. I believe he could copy some sounds, but not as accurately.

What can I learn from blind babies’ language development?

While writing this post, I realized that sight is not absolutely critical to learning language. For example, blind babies learn how to talk. I wondered how they learn to communicate. I found some answers on Family Connect. A blind baby learns more through touch and sound. An adult can put a baby's hands on their lips or hands.

So masks will not stop my son from learning to talk but may make the process longer.

However, children are very resilient. Their plastic neurons forge new connections to adapt to the different learning circumstances.

This school year may be different, but children will still learn.

A Year Later

I witnessed how the mask exemption at my third son’s grade school worked when I substituted his special education class. The speech therapist, special education staff, and students wore face shields during therapy sessions. Otherwise, they wore masks. The face shield exception only applied when my third son attended therapy. My son could take off the face mask during recess, P.E., and lunch. I noticed he pulled it down to suck his thumb occasionally. For more details on masks and my substitute experience go here.

My third son also had frequent ear infections. After ear tube placement, his language returned to normal except for his “s/sh”. He first backed his tongue placement as an “h” and glottal stop. Now his “s” usually sounds like “s” or “sh”. Over the last year, my third son’s reading level improved one grade level (he is still one level behind). His “s” improved a significant percentage, mostly in the initial and final syllable slots. His “s” blends are still lagging behind.

I am unsure how the staff enforced the mask mandate in my youngest son’s preschool. I sent a mask in his backpack, usually a mask with a clear center. I offered the teacher adult masks with a clear plastic middle, which she accepted. I don’t know if she ever wore it. Those masks were harder to breathe and talk through when I wore one once substituting. I believe the speech therapist used a face shield during therapy. I don’t know what my son wore. I suspect he rarely wore the mask correctly or at all considering my fourth son usually wore it under his chin, over his eyes, or not at all during church service.

Over the last year, he increased his word count with banana ‘nana’, shoe, water, and possibly a few others. The speech therapist implemented a communication board, which he uses at home for more, want, and help. He signed more before the pandemic, then stopped. He increased his sign usage this year to more, help, stop, go, all done, and water. His “t” no longer sounds like “d”.

2021 School Year Mask Recommendations

This school year, Utah rescinded the school mask mandate because the legislature restricted the emergency powers of the governor and health departments. Grand County reimplemented the mandate because their county government approved it for 30 days. The Salt Lake County Council overturned Salt Lake County’s health department mask mandate for children under 12. Mayor Erin Mendenhall is looking to overturn that decision. President Biden may challenge Utah’s and other states’ lack of a school mask mandate. All Utah mandates still have the same exceptions as before. Other schools across the nation vary with their mask mandates despite the CDC’s school mask recommendations. 

The American Academy of Pediatrics states:

“While this is a natural concern, there is no evidence that use of face masks prevents or delays speech and language development.”

Their article addresses parents’ concerns, contains tips to work around the mask, and work with speech therapists.

On the other hand, the UK, Sweden, and Holland largely do not require masks for children 12 and under. UNICEF recommends children under 5 not wear masks, and children 5–11 only wear them under certain circumstances. The website states for 5–11:

“You should also consider the potential impact that wearing a mask could have on your individual child’s learning and psychosocial development. Decide this in consultation with your child’s teachers and/or medical providers.”

Obviously, mask recommendations vary for children and those with speech delays. 

With my background in linguistics and my parental intuition, I believe children learn language better without masks. But I know they can learn in masked settings too. For now, I send my children to school without masks because I “consider the potential impact that wearing a mask could have on [my]individual child’s learning and psychosocial development.” If a mask mandate comes, I will mask my children.

This I know, children are resilient.