Don't Fear Man, Trust God

We are afraid of the COVID-19 pandemic affecting us or our loved ones at this time. 

The newspapers report daily counts of COVID-19 deaths. It increases our anxiety. We also cannot connect in person with more than those that we live with currently. We maintain six feet separation from others. As our fear increases, we need ways to combat that fear.

Personally, I have found that counseling, writing, and religious observance has eased my fears. I believe that my faith in God has helped me the most through this time. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love us and are aware of our pain.

My greatest fear, and any parent’s fear, is losing a child. I almost lost my son a year ago when he accidentally strangled himself with a jump rope. He was unresponsive and blue. My husband revived him, but then we feared what bodily or brain damage he would have. My son fully recovered with no damage except some ligature marks on his neck. I don’t believe they are even visible now.

My fears continued as I struggled to let my sons play outside. My husband and I had frequent night terrors of my son’s lifeless body. Through counseling, prayer, and priesthood blessings, my fear has greatly lessened. I still have some night terrors. I can handle letting my sons play in the backyard. I remind myself that they most likely won’t die. My son’s accident was a random accident.

As many parents feel, I feared what others would think of me if I were a careless parent, or worse. I had seen people rip into the Utah family of the boy who lost his arm to the neighbor dogs only weeks before. Animal activists cared more for the dogs than the boy’s fate or the family’s well-being. Would others attack me like they had that family? Would I have my children taken away?

I reminded myself that it matters more what God thinks of me more than other people. People are flawed; our Heavenly Parents and Jesus Christ are perfect.

Only God’s opinion matters. And only He heals.

In high school, I read Doctrine and Covenants 122:9 where God comforts Joseph Smith while he is incarcerated in Liberty Jail:

“Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.”

I wrote a poem because of how strongly the verse spoke to me. I remembered Corrie ten Boom who had survived Ravensbruck concentration camp during World War 2 as I wrote the poem. I repeat these lines when I need to calm my fears:

Do not fear what man can do
For I am with you.

I am your Guard
When the times get hard.

I am your Hiding Place
When you can’t face.

I am your Rock
To whom you can knock.

I am your Friend
Beyond this life’s end.

I am the One who died
So death could be defied.

I am the One:
Only Begotten Son.

What fears do you currently face? Do you have a way to cope with them?

I employed the different metaphors and quotes of Jesus Christ while writing this poem. Here is a list of verses that match:

“fear not…” Doctrine and Covenants 122:9; Psalm 27:1

Guard or shield- Psalm 3:3

Hiding Place or hid in Christ- Psalm 27:5; Colossians 3:3; D&C 86:9

Rock- Helaman 5:12 (Book of Mormon); Matthew 7:24

Only Begotten- John 3:16

Three Ways to Brighten this Holiday Season

It’s been a tough year and we can create more light this holiday season.

Via Public Domain Pictures

Some have dubbed the conjunction of Jupiter and Saturn in the night sky as the “Christmas star” this holiday season. During this year, we have sought meaning from celestial events just as the ancients did. We want the heavens to provide answers for us today. As we seek answers from the heavens, we can also seek answers within to brighten this holiday season. We just need to be more creative this year. 

1. Use Technology to Gather

Luckily, we have better technology than what Skype used to be at the height of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? popularity. The options include Zoom, FaceTime, Google Duo, Skype, and so many others. Each option has strengths and weaknesses. Personally, my family and I use Zoom to gather virtually each Sunday.

Video chat software has been such a blessing during this time, so we can still gather in some form. I especially love being able to see and hear my siblings, nieces, and nephews who live thousands of miles away. I can also safely gather with my parents who live locally when any of us feel ill.

The distance can feel smaller as we engage the two senses of sight and hearing to gather. At Thanksgiving, my high school girlfriends and I chatted like it was yesterday. We visually and aurally shared laughs and tears over our triumphs and struggles.

So this holiday season, use video chat for the first or the hundredth time to gather virtually. Try out the different options.

How have you gathered using technology? 

2. Go Old School: Use Snail Mail

A handwritten note feels special and it stands out from all the junk mail. We eagerly anticipate its content as we can peruse it over and over. This is also a physical object that we can keep for years to come. Besides, other communications disappear into the cloud. 

Before my grandma died in September, I sent her letters because she couldn’t answer her telephone anymore. I don’t know if she read my letters, but I know I tried. Since my grandma had sent me cards and letters for almost four decades, she deserved a few notes near the end of her life. Thankfully, I still have some of my letters from my grandma and other friends and relatives.

So write and send a letter. It may be late in the season for mail to arrive on time, but it will still mean much to the recipient.

Do you enjoy sending or receiving physical letters?

3. Give of Your Time and Talents

Many of us are under financial strain during this time so we can’t afford the usual store-bought gifts. But we generally have time or talents that we can share at little or no cost. For example, my mother-in-law recorded herself reading children’s books so she could share literature with her grandchildren. She borrowed library books for free and used her phone that she already pays for to create a video. Without spending much, my sons enjoyed seeing and hearing Grandma and Grandpa tell funny stories.

With household members, we can spend physical time together playing board games, putting together puzzles, or cooking together. And if we are particularly tired, we can watch a movie.

To give time to those farther away, we can call or instant message them. Some have found creative ways to still spend time together long distance. For example, my nieces and nephews play board games through video chat with friends. Each player sets up their own board and moves their pieces and their opponents’ pieces throughout gameplay.

During this time, many have found ways to virtually share their talents. Several of my musical friends post their videos playing music or singing on social media. In my amateur singing voice, I recorded myself singing Edelweiss in German to share with my dad who served in Germany for two years.

How will you spend time together (or apart) this season? Have you shared any talents as presents before?

Shine Light in the Darkness

As celestial lights guide us during the night, we need each other’s light to guide one another through the proverbial night this year. We can try these three ideas and many others. Really, the stars are the limit.

Christmas Blahs: My Tired Brain Is Racing a Mile a Minute

 An incident reminded me of a hurtful time that sent my thoughts racing.

Tired Me

Christmastime can be a difficult time for me as my body is overproducing melatonin. I feel tired yet I have difficulty sleeping. Last Christmas I felt suicidal two days before my GRE exam. I spiraled when babysitting plans fell through last minute and my husband hesitated on canceling his plans to watch the children. Then I took the GRE and had a bout of diarrhea midway through the exam. I thought it was really bad gas, but no, I discovered it was diarrhea the hard way. Oh, that was an uncomfortable two hours finishing the exam.

This Christmas season feels easier than last year because I am not applying to graduate school. Luckily, I didn’t get accepted for Fall 2020 because I would have really hated attending college during this pandemic.

Naturally, I had to tell you about last year’s Christmastime because my mind has been running forward and backward in time. Now I can get to the matter at hand.

Yesterday, I talked with someone who mentioned knowing someone that had hurt me several years ago. This old someone had refused to communicate with me when we had several commitments to fulfill together. It snowballed. I wrote through my feelings several years ago in my journal, so I thought my feelings had been resolved. I explored my emotions last night to understand why what happened still bothered me. I realize I wanted a connection with this other person, but it became impossible when she refused to communicate with me. Our communications have remained shallow ever since. And that is how it will stay because of her choice.

One incident involved shaming a child over what I viewed as inconsequential. My mind spun on this incident because I have had people shame my children and other children for something all children do (and many adults do in private — like picking plaque off teeth). This action is viewed as “gross” and unclean. In our current climate of this pandemic, some may view this action as possibly “killing” someone because a person may spread germs. (Hey, I thought germs just do what germs are genetically coded to do: multiply and spread in human hosts.) Yet children doing this “dirty” deed attend school daily and don’t spread Covid-19 nearly as much as adults do.

So, my mind thought of all the ways we shame each other over normal bodily functions. Many examples flitted through my mind while I lay in bed for hours. Eventually, I fell asleep and woke too soon. I tried resting twice through today, but my mind keeps racing.

I read through old journal entries to understand myself better so I can improve. I recognized that I had a lot of pain because of some adults and some children shaming me for years. I don’t want other children to feel that same shame I felt. That’s why I approached this person years ago about her shaming methods. However, she passed it off as a difference of opinion. Sure, we can have a difference of opinion, but the true problem is forcing that opinion on other children and other adults. It is fine to teach children sanitary habits, but it isn’t fine to guilt-trip them to stop an action.

Tomorrow I have a counseling appointment so maybe I can talk through some of these negative feelings instead of writing about them to you dear reader. But I am sure you needed this information in your life. It is unbelievably valuable information to know:

Don’t try to figure out mutual acquaintances with others. That’s what Facebook stalking is for.

So, reader, have you ever regretted discovering a mutual acquaintance? Do your thoughts race often? Finally, how is your Christmas season going?

I Already Regret My Vote, But I Would with Any Choice

Photo by Author

 First, Donald Trump and Joseph Biden are a reflection of what this country has become. Too many Americans resort to name-calling, shaming, and passive-aggression to make their points instead of logically arguing their points. We have fostered enmity instead of civility.

Second, our all-or-nothing voting system needs revamping. In the current system, we can only show support for one candidate instead of multiple candidates. Ranked-choice voting changes that dynamic where the voter can choose the level of support (first, second, third, etc.) he or she prefers. Votes are then tallied to show who has the most overall support, even if it may be many voters’ second choice. In this way, the candidate with the most overall support would win.

Third, the Democratic and Republican parties need to change their primary voting process. These two parties have dominated for so long without competition, they have become lazy in their approach to engage voters. If they truly cared for a better process, they would implement ranked-choice voting or just do one big primary without months of hullabaloo. Due to prolonged primaries many candidates who have less money drop out, even though they may be better choices.

Fourth, the media and presidential debate commission need to cover third-party candidates. Voters are not as aware of these possibly better candidates because the media largely ignores them. If news organizations want a fairer process, they ought to cover all candidates. And we the consumers should ask for it. Next, the debate commission needs to include third-party candidates no matter how “popular” they are. Then voters will be better able to compare all their options.

Finally, I have a more exhaustive list for improvements in this post.

My Voting History

In 2016, I voted for Evan McMullin because I felt he was a moral person. I considered the libertarian candidate but felt Evan McMullin would garner more votes in Utah. (Now Evan McMullin and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez are calling for lists of Trump backers in order to shame them.) Trump showed he engaged in “locker room” talk, had an adulterous past and antagonized many people. He also proposed immigration stances, which I disagree with. Hilary Clinton never entered my radar because with her came a rapist — Bill Clinton. There were other issues with Benghazi, her email server, and many of her political stances. I could go on longer.

Reflections on Trump’s Presidency

Four years later, Trump has shown more promise than I thought he would on his actions. He has helped the economy (besides the states’ manufactured COVID shutdown). Trump has chosen originalist judges instead of activist judges. He has been pro-life. I agree with several other actions he has taken, but he has been abrasive with his opposition many times a day. He lacks a filter from his brain to his mouth and Twitter fingers. I still disagree with his immigration stance (I also disagree with children in cages, which started under Obama’s administration). Trump pardoned Joe Arpaio who abused illegal immigrants. Next, I believe Trump shows a preference toward Christians more than other religions. I could go on longer.

Really? Both Candidates Are Disappointing

This 2020 Presidential election disheartened me again because the major candidates are both disappointing. I disagree with many of Joe Biden’s political positions except immigration. I believe he is kind, but Biden is sometimes a flatterer. In my experience, flatterers insult people in couched words that look nice but are more harmful because these veiled insults are harder to detect and counter. Also, Biden has violated females’ personal boundaries multiple times. Finally, Joe Biden makes many gaffes, but his gaffes have increased with age, which may show signs of senility. It leads me to believe others will manipulate his decisions.

In the Republican primary, I voted for Bill Weld. That was my chance to vote my conscience. Truthfully, I wished that Tulsi Gabbard had won the Democratic primary. I wonder if I should have voted in the Democratic primary instead. I value Gabbard’s more moderate positions, but mostly her willingness to listen to both sides. She is also willing to call out bad behavior on both parties.

If Tulsi Gabbard had been the Democratic nominee, I would have voted for her.

I researched Jo Jorgensen, the libertarian candidate, and her stances largely fit my political persuasions. I feel that the libertarian stance with immigration is kinder and in better order. I don’t know much about her personally since she is rarely in the news.

While staring at my ballot a week ago, I prayed about who I should vote for. I felt multiple candidates would be okay. In the end, I voted for Jo Jorgensen who best fits my political persuasions.

But I have debated that decision many times. Sometimes, I would rather vote Trump or Romney (as a write-in). I recognize that no matter who I voted for, I would have regretted it.

I half-wish I would have voted for Trump because I believe he defends the Constitution better than Biden will. Trump definitely tries to intimidate people into silence with his tweets and lawsuits. In that way, he has attacked free speech. Because citizens and judges largely recognize free speech as essential, free speech is better guarded than other natural rights, such as the right to bear arms. Biden plans to heavily regulate the right to bear arms, which personally endangers my family when I have a child molester still loose who tried to stalk my son his first-grade year.

Now it is just insane that the voting results are so close together in multiple states. Biden is the current president-elect, but if enough votes change as a result of Trump’s lawsuits, Trump may still be president for another four years. Personally, I hope the results change but doubt the election results will change.

Moving On

My life will continue with Biden as president. Some things will change for the better and for the worst. I am concerned about the worst possibilities, but there will be legislative and judicial checks and balances on those. I will adjust; Americans will adjust. I still feel America has great freedom and potential. I hope as citizens we work toward humility, goodness, and protecting liberty.

Struggling to Write

 My brain is either too tired or too wired to write

Via Public Domain Pictures

Since I was ten years old, I have been writing stories and dreamed of being published. Many novelists have the same dream from a young age, so I am one of many. It is about finishing a work, yet I struggle to finish.

Today I am tired after substituting a kindergarten class, taking my son to the clinic, and making dinner. I want to write fiction, but that doesn’t come as easily to me. I have trained myself to write a blog post over the last six years. It is harder to get back into writing fiction seriously.

I have been too tired for sixteen years since leaving on my Latter-day Saint mission. During the mission, I only wrote letters. After I came home early, I reordered my life to cope with my new diagnosis of bipolar 2. I worked two jobs until marriage. Then I worked more, attended college, fell asleep after work, and had children. I felt tired for 9 years. After my third son, I managed to have some energy to blog and ghostwrite two novellas. Then I felt too tired during my fourth pregnancy. About two years later, I felt I could blog again. In the meantime, I wrote several chapters in several books. I made minute progress and then I lost interest.

Having bipolar 2, my brain is also wired at times. I have many shiny new ideas for novels (and blog posts) that I never finish. I start some novels but struggle to go beyond a week or month. I become bored with the project. In high school and college, I managed to write “novels” of 20,000 words. They were rough drafts that became second drafts. I sent these to publishers with no bites. I understand why I had no bites now. They were not detailed enough. As my creative writing teacher at BYU stated, the novels lacked immediacy. I had mostly dialogue, but no details to ground the reader in the setting or action.

The novels I wrote needed reworking and the plots have changed over time. I have my list of plot ideas for the novellas I wrote in high school and college. Many ideas will fall by the wayside. That’s the nature of the beast.

Currently, I have ideas for a humanoid species who have different powers, such as mind-reading, object-reading, lip-reading, mind control, and empath powers. They are in a hierarchy of who rules over another species. This idea came from the BLM riots. History could be rewritten according to the prejudices and enslaving different “readers.” So far, I have written the creation stories of the mind-readers and lip-readers.

In order to finish many of my partial drafts, I need to reacquaint myself with the characters, settings, and plots. That can take several days or weeks that I just don’t want to “waste” during the hour or so I have time each day. I also find that I want to write about issues currently troubling me. I need to itch that scratch, per se.

What I can finish easily are poems. When my mind catches onto an idea, I can usually write a poem within days. Albeit, they may be excellent poems or mediocre poems. I may rework them later. I know others who struggle writing poetry yet can write fiction quickly. I have that momentary excitement and hyperfocus that can channel writing poetry. Not so much with novels.

Editing is another aspect of my writing. I can catch some errors quickly, while others are not so obvious. Some words I misspell almost every time: piece, niece, opportunity, and so on. Yet I can spell most words with great ease. Grammarly has been very helpful with the self-editing process.

I wondered if I still had my editing prowess since I haven’t been a tutor for 17 years. Recently, a relative and friend asked me to proofread their writing. My skills came back. I recognized error patterns that I could point out and revising for a specific audience. My friend said I retained her writing style, which makes me very pleased. That is the goal of editing: to retain the writer’s style through editorial changes.

Now here I am writing another blog post about writing instead of writing fiction. I can manage some blog posts within 2–4 hours, which is why I usually devote my time to blog posts.

One day I will write fiction with ease again. When my children are older. When my youngest leaves the house. When I finish vacationing during retirement. Okay, maybe that time will never come unless I change my habits.

C’est la vie.

My Thoughts on 2020 Latter-day Saint General Conference

I crocheted part of this during April Conference

For the last two days, I have watched around eight hours of my religion’s semiannual broadcast of church leaders. Being a lifelong member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have listened to hundreds of hours of religious talks. At age ten, I started crocheting during conferences on the first weekends of April and October. I still crochet to keep my hands busy. I occasionally write notes.

Weekly church meetings changed in mid-March to home worship. In June, our congregation met in small groups every third Sunday. I had been wearing street clothes for home worship for so long, I hesitated to wear a dress. I used to love wearing dresses, but I dislike them now chasing after children. So, the first Sunday back at regular church, I wore a nice shirt and pants. The next time we met, I reluctantly wore a dress.

This weekend I wore pajamas and street clothes watching General Conference, but it still tested my resolve because my typical home worship only lasts 15–30 minutes on Sundays.

While watching, I noted how many of the apostles have aged. Apostle David A. Bednar had brown hair when he became an apostle sixteen years ago (right before my mission). Now he has gray hair. Several of the apostles from my youth look very different today. For example, Matthew Holland, son of Apostle Jeffrey R. Holland, appeared much like the younger version of his father from the 90s. Wow! I am old and they are old too. Mostly, wiser.

Saturday Morning Session

President Russell M. Nelson opened General Conference sharing what blessings we have had through the pandemic despite the challenges. Families feel closer as they worship together. Missionaries are teaching more lessons, many online. Latter-day Saints have participated in many pandemic-related service projects, such as making masks. President Nelson stated that Heavenly Father is aware of us during this time. Many of my Priesthood blessings of late have that same phrase in them.

Elder David A. Bednar related his scripture study of the idea of tests. The word test is nowhere in the Bible, Book of Mormon, or Doctrine and Covenants (LDS scripture), but the words prove, try, and examine dot the pages. This life is our test to prove ourselves. Jesus grew incrementally in wisdom and spirituality. We can take his example of growing line upon line and grace to grace.

This talk reminds me of my college assignment to study Doctrine and Covenants 121:7 where Joseph Smith cries to God to release him from Liberty Jail. It states:

“… if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.”

I researched the etymology of experience and good for my assignment. I discovered experience is related to try. Thus when we are tried, we gain experience. The root for good may be related to Sanskrit gadhya, which means to seize (booty). So, when we are tried do we seize the good?

Young Women First Counselor Michelle D. Craig discussed how we desire to be seen deeply. Vice versa, we need to see others deeply. Sister Craig shared dhow she felt prompted to stop looking at her phone when she stood in lines. While in one line, she asked an older man about his cat because he had cat food in his cart. The man shared that it was his birthday. Sister Craig wished him a happy birthday. She likened this situation to the Good Samaritan parable. Being on a phone in line is similar to the priest and others passing the injured man.

Apostle Quentin L. Cook noted how the Church is around the 200-year mark, similar to when the Nephites and Lamanites in the Book of Mormon began dividing themselves about 200 years after Jesus visited them in the Americas. We are at a pivotal moment today to stay unified in purpose. Diversity strengthens our unity. Our different cultures, races, ethnicities, etc. contribute to each other’s knowledge. He noted some of the poor past actions within the Church toward Blacks and other minorities.

Manic Monday Musings

by Author's husband

Sunday nights and Mondays are just rough times. I used to have sleepless Sunday nights from my preteens to early twenties. Sunday nights are better now that I am not in school fulltime. I also take a sleeping pill. That probably makes a difference.

Homework Woes

My boys sometimes have rough Mondays or rough weeks. My teenager with anxiety struggles the most. He shuts down mentally and emotionally when he feels overwhelmed. Currently, school and homework present the largest challenges. He is failing in many of his classes because he has missed a lot of school days and he prefers to finish only his favorite classes first. He stated that he had finished homework each day. We discovered he had not finished all of his homework when staying at home. I kept him home for several days because he was sick. Other days, he had a case of nerves with stomachaches and headaches. My son’s anxiety can cause him to vomit. So it’s confusing to know when he is really sick.

My son is a video game addict. He obsesses about one game and moves onto another. His favorite games are on the PC. Sometimes he switches to multiple games within a day as a result of his limited attention span. Gaming probably contributes to that hyperactivity.

Today he stayed home with a headache, stomachache, and leg pain. I believe his leg pain is growing pain. He shoots up like a weed before his muscles and fat can catch up. His lanky body concerns me that he isn’t eating enough.

My son completed several of his computer class assignments without my assistance, but I helped him with English homework. I sat next to him so he stayed on task. I encouraged him to finish. I felt like I had to hold his hand through the entire process. We completed four or five assignments together over four-and-a-half hours.

Today he has had several meltdowns. He is worried he will fail all his classes and not be able to finish his homework. I suggested a father’s blessing and he said yes. My husband performed a blessing of comfort for him. I hope it helps my firstborn.

Monday has been hectic because my third son is at home too. I helped him with his homework for one-and-a-half hours. I really do have to “hold his hand” through homework since he has a specific learning disability.

Hanging Curtains

We have been hanging curtains in our basement over the weekend and today. We have twelve windows down there. It is nice to have so much light, but also a pain to hang curtains so we have some privacy. The TV Room has four five-foot by five-foot windows. All that light glares on the TV. We hung blackout curtains so we can watch movies during the day.

The curtains in my second son’s room were too sheer, so I had to buy more curtains to replace those. I needed to exchange another set of curtains because they didn’t have grommets like I thought they did. We only buy curtains with grommets so we can slide open the curtains. My husband and I switched around curtains this evening. Now no one can see my second son in his bedroom. Privacy is nice.

Counseling Appointment

I visited with my counselor tonight. We discussed ways to help my son complete his homework. She suggested making gaming his reward instead of him just expecting it every day. This has been a challenge and a blessing that all his homework is online. He can easily do it at home, but he is often tempted and distracted by games. I have to monitor his homework time. Sometimes I am just too busy or tired.

I expect some flak for changing his computer access because he has had issues since being a toddler. We have off times and on times of limiting his access. It was especially difficult last spring when school was online, he couldn’t visit friends, and the playgrounds were closed.

Smoke-filled Sinuses

Over the last four or five days, my sinuses have hurt due to the smoke particles collecting in them. Thank you wildfires. I irrigate my sinuses every day, take ibuprofen, and an expectorant/decongestant. That has helped to a degree. Finally today, my sinuses have cleared some. I am waiting for them to clear more. Unfortunately, post-nasal drip irritates my throat. My throat hurt terribly yesterday. I drank warm honey and lemon water to soothe my throat, which helped significantly. With all the congestion, I am coughing too. With COVID-19 in the air, I am concerned people will think I have it. But I don’t.

Saturday night, my husband gave me a blessing of healing. Heavenly Father promised to reduce the pain as I do my part to clear my sinuses. I hope this is true. I have had some epiphanies like drinking lemon juice and honey to ease my throat pain.

End of the Day

I am writing this entry to process my day. In a way, it is my journal since I have neglected regular journal writing. I used to write every day as a preteen and teenager. I wrote the most boring details, but I recognize now that the mundane moments shape us the most.

I plan to read some, play a mobile game, listen to music, and fall asleep.

Just relax. Just breathe.

How was your Monday?